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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to know about DP finances?

56 replies

purplepencilcase · 23/01/2023 10:10

But if perspective please ladies!

We've been together for 16 years, three children, I'm completely financially independent in that I ask absolutely nothing of him, I pay for myself and the children, all school fees and childcare, sports, clubs, family car, family food etc he pays the modest mortgage and most (again modest) bills.

He is self employed and about 2 months ago I went on his phone (in an attempt to help him!) and totted up his debts as he has a lot on credit cards. I was shocked to find that he owes about £40k on credit cards.

He has locked me out of his phone since.

I've never seen a bank statement of his after 16 years together. I have no idea really what his finances look like.

We are not married and I have no plans to.

AIBU to think it's normal to share financial information between long term partners?

I'm just sad really that he doesn't think it's important that I have some reassurance that he's ok financially.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 23/01/2023 10:45

I could not put up with the situation. He doesn’t see you as a partner and doesn’t treat you as an equal.

Put yourself and your DC first, buy a house only in your name and either leave him behind or if not don’t put anything in his name.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 23/01/2023 10:48

If he has debts of 40K then he's not really paying the rent is he?
You need to leave the farm and he needs to rethink his options

whizzpopping · 23/01/2023 10:50

Ok so all his debts came from his loss-making farming business?

Leaving his secrecy around his finances aside, I think the obvious thing here is that he needs to find a better way of earning a living. What he's doing isn't working.

I'm a big believer in couples a team and supporting each other through ups and downs, but in this case there is too much of an imbalance. You just can't keep subsidising someone who isn't even trying to meet you halfway

ReneBumsWombats · 23/01/2023 10:57

You don't sound like a team at all.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 23/01/2023 10:59

butterfliedtwo · 23/01/2023 10:27

Wtf is he not contributing to THREE children? I honestly think you're a mug.

Seconded.

Irishfarmer · 23/01/2023 11:09

purplepencilcase · 23/01/2023 10:34

None of these, not that exciting. He's a farmer and they work 24/7 and make next to no money.

Show quote history

My DH is a farmer. So I get the working constantly. Even though married we keep out finances fairly separate. BUT I tell him what I want/ need money wise for DS.

Debt on a farm is not always a bad thing. We have a decent bit, but it's for new machinery that was needed and a very large extension on the workshop. CC debt would worry me, what is it for? Our finances are separate but I know 100% what he is doing because I do his account, but leave him to it and don't interfere unless he asks for my opinion.

You partner really needs to contribute towards the kids that is so selfish. I would be very keen to buy a house solely in your name. If he is used to paying rent he can keep handing over that much but you can spend it on the kids

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 11:10

purplepencilcase · 23/01/2023 10:44

His point of view is that our lifestyle is MY choice, and if I want it, I need to pay for it. We'd be on the breadline otherwise and I genuinely think he'd be ok with that, his parents were quite poor.

What?

He reckons he had nothing to do with creating 3 DC?

Why are you still with the selfish, secretive arse?

Lcb123 · 23/01/2023 11:13

That seems very strange to me. I don’t know about every transaction DH makes (and I don’t care) but I know an overview of his savings and credit card. Same for me. Definitely don’t buy a house with his name on the deeds as well

SnackyOnassis · 23/01/2023 11:14

OP, this must make you feel awful. Not least the secrecy and the shutting you down when you try to fix the family financial situation, but the fact that he thinks the breadline is good enough for your children, and for you.
While he might accept that for himself, I'd struggle to find patience to build a life with someone who thinks my children should have a shit life, or at least one without the advantages of the little bit of cushioning a safe income can bring.

Calmdown14 · 23/01/2023 11:22

Would he open up more if you presented it as 'do you want me to help make sure you are paying it off in the best way to help you reduce interest rates, do you know about snowballing etc'? Or I want to help you secure the future of the farm.

I think your set up is different to most but your circumstances are also quite unique.

In this scenario not being married is to your advantage . He probably wants to pretend it's not there more than he wants to cut you out

mrsm43s · 23/01/2023 11:23

Why is everyone saying he's not contributing?

He pays the rent in full and the bills in full. OP doesn't pay at all towards rent or household bills. She has all her money available for extras and nice to haves. If she's choosing stuff like private education, then it's not unreasonable for her to pay for it, as her DP is fully covering the household rent and bills.

He's contributing well.

I agree the secrecy and lack of transparency isn't good, and they don't seem to be working as a team.

FloydPepper · 23/01/2023 11:25

I do wonder if this thread would feel a bit different if he posted. He works hard and doent earn much. He pays (his fair share) all the rent and has so little left over he’s now in debt from making ends meet. He can’t spend on himself, clothes etc.

you pay (your fair share) and have enough left over to have saved enough for a house. However his finances are his problem (he won’t talk out of shame). You won’t share.

I think if he posted as a woman he’d get some interesting advice

Snoken · 23/01/2023 11:28

I don't see the point of renting a farm that leaves you dept each month. It would be one thing if he owned it and there is at least something there for your kids to inherit. As it stands it's just a money pit and once he gets too old to run it he will be asked to leave one way or another.

Original poster
purplepencilcase · 23/01/2023 11:40

FloydPepper · 23/01/2023 11:25

I do wonder if this thread would feel a bit different if he posted. He works hard and doent earn much. He pays (his fair share) all the rent and has so little left over he’s now in debt from making ends meet. He can’t spend on himself, clothes etc.

you pay (your fair share) and have enough left over to have saved enough for a house. However his finances are his problem (he won’t talk out of shame). You won’t share.

I think if he posted as a woman he’d get some interesting advice

Thanks for this perspective- I'm very aware of the complexities of being the female breadwinner. It's very complex!

OP posts:
Irishfarmer · 23/01/2023 11:51

@mrsm43s I don't know their situation but if they are tenants on the farm it is possible the rent for the farm house is very low. It's the huge debt with on credit cards I'd be concerned about. What will they have to show for it.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 23/01/2023 12:07

OP have you posted about this before?

GirlsNightOut33 · 23/01/2023 12:08

what's his plan longer term?

he can't farm forever.

and in the meantime he's basically been living on subsistence wages, while not paying a fair share towards FAMILY costs (e.g. DC costs etc).

what happens if he has an acccident?
ill?
old?

One or more of them WILL happen.

What's his backup plan for WHEN it happens?

Paq · 23/01/2023 12:10

@FloydPepper but he has been incredibly secretive from OP, she only knows about the debt because she saw it on his phone and now he won't talk about it.

I have every sympathy for farmers but OP should not be using her income, savings and the future financial security of her and their children to prop up a failing business. Where does it end? When they are both penniless?

Bobshhh · 23/01/2023 12:18

Haven't you posted about him before and buying a house and he wouldn't agree to one?

Original poster
purplepencilcase · 23/01/2023 12:30

Bobshhh · 23/01/2023 12:18

Haven't you posted about him before and buying a house and he wouldn't agree to one?

Yes I have. Still all unresolved!!

OP posts:
Original poster
purplepencilcase · 23/01/2023 12:31

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 23/01/2023 12:07

OP have you posted about this before?

Yes I have. It's a recurring issue for us. I'm sorry.

OP posts:
ProudToBeANorthener · 23/01/2023 12:33

If he’s a tenant farmer anywhere it’s hard to make a decent living. If you buy from supermarkets you are the primary reason for this as their buying power scr*ws farmers for every last drop
Misses point of thread completely 🫣🤷‍♀️

Quiettiger · 23/01/2023 12:34

purplepencilcase · 23/01/2023 10:44

His point of view is that our lifestyle is MY choice, and if I want it, I need to pay for it. We'd be on the breadline otherwise and I genuinely think he'd be ok with that, his parents were quite poor.

I'm guessing from the way you describe things, you're living with a farmer on an AHA tenancy. I'm not in the least surprised that he has that level of debt, given the state of farming and also the way banks behave with tenant farmers. I'm also not surprised at his attitude if he inherited the tenancy from his parents.

I know of what I speak, I'm married to a 3rd generation tenant farmer. The difference is, I run the business and the finances so I'm aware of everything regarding our farm business and I manage it. My income, like yours, pays for most stuff. Our farm business is sketchy at best because of costs and margins. Having said that, that state of play is also the case for many farmers who own their ground. But that's a whole different discussion.

My personal feeling is that if you want to stay with your DP, you let him just run the farm. Keep his finances as far as possible away from yours and keep an escape fund in case it all goes tits up and you have to move/split up. In the meantime, you're going to have to reconcile with the fact that it's your money paying for the "luxuries".

Is it right? No. But unless you're going to leave him, you're not going to be able to change very much because the situation with him won't change. Should he give you access to his finances? Yes, but it sounds like he's not going to. And the mindset is entrenched. It won't be just him. I know of several farmers in their 40's and 50's who still aren't allowed to make financial business decisions because their father or mother (who is by now utterly geriatric) won't relinquish the cheque book. They also hate spending money.

And farmers can be some of the most stubborn people on the planet. If the farm business is failing, don't get mired into bailing the business out, make sure your money/finances are secure and you can get out relatively unscathed if you need to.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 23/01/2023 12:35

Obviously you can post as much as you want! I just thought, this one sounds familiar.

And with the added context, my view is that while yes I'd expect my partner to be open with me about finances, him doing that would still be something of a sticking plaster here. The problems go way deeper. He's never shown any indication that he's willing to put farming lower on the priority list than you, providing for his kids or purchasing a home. You knowing exactly what his cash situation is wouldn't change that.

yousmellnice · 23/01/2023 12:36

I would genuinely leave and buy a house for you and the kids. You've done well to afford that without him

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