Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I despise this woman

60 replies

Hiimblahblah · 23/01/2023 08:52

DP’s best friend since childhood has been with a woman that we both truly despise for several years now, and they’re due to be married.

The reason we feel this way toward her is because she’s, in our options, quite abusive.

She demands to check his phone to see what he’s been saying to his family about her, as he’s confided in them before about arguments that they’ve had.

She wants to know clothes that he was wearing in the nights he was with previous sexual partners, and will ask him again several months later to see if he was telling the truth in his original answer.

She gets angry at the mention of any of his previous sexual partners names, even if someone just has the same name as them, and they’re not actually talking about said previous partner. (Hope that makes sense?)

One night, before I realised what type of person she was, she told me that she could easily “kick the fuck out of” her DPs sister over something that his sister said about her in a text message, that she obviously went through his phone and read.

He’s afraid to spend time with his friends without her incase she accuses him of something, or has taken offence to something he has done before he met her in his absence, and he has to go home to her being a twat. She even joined his on his staff Christmas party, because she “missed hers” 🙄

She will ignore him for days after an argument. She’s previously proudly told me (no idea why a person would admit to this) that she has done the same with her family after arguments with them.

In my shoes, how would you handle this person? We used to always ask them round for drinks and plan to meet up with them. However, ever since I realised what type of person she was I’ve stopped bothering and started keeping my distance from her.

OP posts:
MistyGreenAndBlue · 23/01/2023 08:56

You don't do anything. Just keep your distance as now. What else is there to do?

Renlea · 23/01/2023 08:59

I'd keep ignoring her, and if the friend asks why I'd be fully honest

Original poster
Hiimblahblah · 23/01/2023 08:59

MistyGreenAndBlue · 23/01/2023 08:56

You don't do anything. Just keep your distance as now. What else is there to do?

My DP has been keeping a distance too. They talk over text and phone calls every day, but they don’t meet up. I guess I want to know if he’s doing the right thing?

OP posts:
EmailMeDontcall · 23/01/2023 08:59

My DH family would say all this about me. The thing is it’s not possible to know all the facts so it’s best to keep out of it

superplumb · 23/01/2023 09:00

If it were my friend I'd speak to them about this. It makes no diff if the friend is male or female
If the genders were turned, what would you say to a female friend who was about to marry someone abusive

ReneBumsWombats · 23/01/2023 09:02

There's nothing you can do. He's an adult. All you can do is make it clear that you care about him and you'll always be there for him, and be supportive when he needs you for whatever reason.

If he asks what you think, you can tell him, but it's unlikely to make any difference. He'll have to come to this conclusion himself.

ReneBumsWombats · 23/01/2023 09:03

EmailMeDontcall · 23/01/2023 08:59

My DH family would say all this about me. The thing is it’s not possible to know all the facts so it’s best to keep out of it

They'd say you demand to check his phone all the time, talk about kicking the fuck out of his sister and display insanely jealous behaviour over previous partners and anyone with the same names as them?

Thesenderofthiscard · 23/01/2023 09:06

@EmailMeDontcall 'My DH family would say all this about me. The thing is it’s not possible to know all the facts so it’s best to keep out of it'

The you too are controlling, abuse and incredibly insecure because this isn't normal behaviour between 2 consenting adults regardless if the controlling partner is a man or a woman.

newtowelsplease · 23/01/2023 09:06

Agree with PPs that you don't do anything, you just wait. My dad was with a woman like this for nearly a decade, it was losing his friends that finally made him split up with her

EmailMeDontcall · 23/01/2023 09:06

ReneBumsWombats · 23/01/2023 09:03

They'd say you demand to check his phone all the time, talk about kicking the fuck out of his sister and display insanely jealous behaviour over previous partners and anyone with the same names as them?

Show quote history

No not the threats of violence etc !!! But they would say I was controlling and check phone etc they’ve made up all sorts of things about me because they’ve judged me to be ‘weird’ (im autistic and they don’t know) so if I call dh to ask something they hear half a conversation and thing I’m being controlling from his answers etc etc but it’s not the case !

Swimmingpoolsally · 23/01/2023 09:11

Fairly sure there is two sides to this …

Badgirlriri · 23/01/2023 09:18

EmailMeDontcall · 23/01/2023 09:06

No not the threats of violence etc !!! But they would say I was controlling and check phone etc they’ve made up all sorts of things about me because they’ve judged me to be ‘weird’ (im autistic and they don’t know) so if I call dh to ask something they hear half a conversation and thing I’m being controlling from his answers etc etc but it’s not the case !

Show quote history

Are you saying your autism means you are controlling and insecure?

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 23/01/2023 09:25

You write it all down and try and flog it to Netflix as a situation comedy.

The famed actress Meghan Markle could play the demanding woman whilst her partner could be played by... err, I can't think of anyone for that role at the moment.

RandomMan2 · 23/01/2023 09:29

I was in a situation similar to this. It would have been nice if I'd have had a friend check in on me and make sure I was OK. It might not have changed things but it would have made me feel better. Ultimately there's not much you can do, your friend has to make his own path, but you can be there and be supportive. But checking in with him would make him feel not alone.

Cormick · 23/01/2023 09:30

That's awful op. It sounds like it could be la really dangerous situation for your friend. Is your dp able to go out with him without her turning up with him. I would let him know how abusive you think she is and that you'll be there for him anytime if he needs your help.

Mariposista · 23/01/2023 09:35

I have a very good friend who is going out with a vile man (same sex relationship). I make it clear to my friend that I will see him, but won't see the boyfriend, and will always be there for him to support if and when it all goes tits up, will only give my opinion when it's asked for, but that I don't like him, and these are the reasons why. I don't sugar coat it, I'm not willy Wonka.

Original poster
Hiimblahblah · 23/01/2023 09:37

I’ve tried to take a back seat because it makes me angry to talk about it with DP. However, I’m actually realising what a selfish idiot I’ve been by not checking in on him. I’ve let my hatred of her stop me from speaking to him for some reason.

I’m going to speak with DP about it. I’ll text his best friend every-so-often to check in, and I’ll tell DP that it might be a good idea to meet him for a coffee once a fortnight or something?

OP posts:
Supertatato · 23/01/2023 09:38

You don't do anything....if your DP is worried about his friend being in an abusive relationship then he should talk to him. Ultimately that's all you can do, the rest is up to the friend.

EmailMeDontcall · 23/01/2023 09:42

Badgirlriri · 23/01/2023 09:18

Are you saying your autism means you are controlling and insecure?

Show quote history

No for example I may need to call him more often about things. Or to know a time he will be back not to be controlling or that it matters if he’s out for ages but I need to have my day planned quite precisely things like that. If I have a meltdown or something unexpected happens I may need to talk to him . His family just think ‘oh why is she calling again’ etc and make assumptions

ShimmeringShirts · 23/01/2023 09:54

@EmailMeDontcall id suggest getting therapy for the meltdowns, it’s not typical for an adult with autism to experience them to the degree they’d interfere with daily life. My last real “meltdown” was as a child, every autistic adult I speak to only mentions meltdowns in relation to when they would lose control of their emotions and actions as a child. You learn ways to cope and adapt as an adult because that’s life, you can’t progress through it having meltdowns and blaming people for you not being able to have meticulous plans. It’s not healthy.

Cormick · 23/01/2023 09:55

Hiimblahblah · 23/01/2023 09:37

I’ve tried to take a back seat because it makes me angry to talk about it with DP. However, I’m actually realising what a selfish idiot I’ve been by not checking in on him. I’ve let my hatred of her stop me from speaking to him for some reason.

I’m going to speak with DP about it. I’ll text his best friend every-so-often to check in, and I’ll tell DP that it might be a good idea to meet him for a coffee once a fortnight or something?

It's totally understandable why you have taken a back seat. I may have thought about doing the same in your position. But taking a step back to look at the situation, I would say for his sake I'd hang in there to support him. You don't have to see her, I hope. But her successfully driving you and your dp away is leaving him even more vulnerable and isolated. A coffee once a fortnight and checking in with him via text sounds like a really good idea. Don't let her drive you away.

JoyPeaceHealth · 23/01/2023 09:56

All you can do is make it really clear that you will be there for him if he wants to disentangle himself.

Meanwhile, try and nurture a stronger sense of himself. What did he like to do between 8 and 14?
Is he ever doing those things?
Any way you can get him back in to those things?
Can he make small decisions that shape his future in some small way?
Does he feel he can control his life?
Start small. Encourage him to make a decision that effects the next month or week.

Things like zip lining made me feel brave.
My friend took me ziplining and the exhilaration carried me. But save that one until he is on the cusp of making the decision and only fear is stopping him.

EmailMeDontcall · 23/01/2023 10:00

ShimmeringShirts · 23/01/2023 09:54

@EmailMeDontcall id suggest getting therapy for the meltdowns, it’s not typical for an adult with autism to experience them to the degree they’d interfere with daily life. My last real “meltdown” was as a child, every autistic adult I speak to only mentions meltdowns in relation to when they would lose control of their emotions and actions as a child. You learn ways to cope and adapt as an adult because that’s life, you can’t progress through it having meltdowns and blaming people for you not being able to have meticulous plans. It’s not healthy.

I appreciate the advice I’m sure it’s meant kindly but I’m ok how I am. We are managing things

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 23/01/2023 10:00

We had similar with my BIL. I hated his girlfriend. She was violent toward him and if anyone mention his daughter (from a previous relationship) she'd pinch him under the table. He turned up at our house in the middle of the night because she'd attacked him but then went straight home to her.

We had to take a backseat and just be there when he needed us. And he eventually saw sense and got rid of her (which was a fucking nightmare because she only agreed to leave if he paid her to fuck off!)

Hopefully your friend will see sense. Just be ready to be there if he needs you.

ShimmeringShirts · 23/01/2023 10:04

@EmailMeDontcall its not advice, it’s a suggestion to stop blaming abusive behaviour on autism. All it does is give the rest of us a bad name and make everyday life harder for us. So many people blame autism for abusive behaviour but that’s not the case at all, it’s people being entirely unwilling to accept they need to face up to how they’re acting and accept that it isn’t related to the medical condition at all. Autism doesn’t force you to repeatedly call and check up on someone else, you do that by yourself because you can’t cope with how you feel. It’s not right or ok, your DP will eventually realise this.