I despise this woman

[Hiimblahblah]

DP’s best friend since childhood has been with a woman that we both truly despise for several years now, and they’re due to be married.

The reason we feel this way toward her is because she’s, in our options, quite abusive.

She demands to check his phone to see what he’s been saying to his family about her, as he’s confided in them before about arguments that they’ve had.

She wants to know clothes that he was wearing in the nights he was with previous sexual partners, and will ask him again several months later to see if he was telling the truth in his original answer.

She gets angry at the mention of any of his previous sexual partners names, even if someone just has the same name as them, and they’re not actually talking about said previous partner. (Hope that makes sense?)

One night, before I realised what type of person she was, she told me that she could easily “kick the fuck out of” her DPs sister over something that his sister said about her in a text message, that she obviously went through his phone and read.

He’s afraid to spend time with his friends without her incase she accuses him of something, or has taken offence to something he has done before he met her in his absence, and he has to go home to her being a twat. She even joined his on his staff Christmas party, because she “missed hers” 🙄

She will ignore him for days after an argument. She’s previously proudly told me (no idea why a person would admit to this) that she has done the same with her family after arguments with them.

In my shoes, how would you handle this person? We used to always ask them round for drinks and plan to meet up with them. However, ever since I realised what type of person she was I’ve stopped bothering and started keeping my distance from her.

This is fair, and I totally understand it. I consider myself an open minded person, and I hate to have an opinion on someone before I’ve seen their character with my own eyes.

However, this woman has told me herself that, when she lived with them, she ignored her family for months on end when they had a row. She (seemingly proudly) told me that it got to the point where her sister cried and screamed at her for ignoring her for several months. She’s admitted to doing this same thing (only for a week, rather than months) to her own DP. She also informed me about demanding to know what clothes he wore on nights he slept with previous partners (and then asking him again months later to see if he lied), and admitted to reading his texts (hence her threatening his sister to me).

Thank you for this ❤️

May I ask how you would recommend I approach it?

Would you say this if the abusive partner was a man? If OP said he friend was with a man who did all of this? You'd come on and say 'fairly sure there are two sides to this...'? No I highly doubt it.

OP just keep your distance and if he asks tell him the complete truth. You feel his in a controlling relationship and you're always there for him but you cannot be around his partner.

Thank you so much for this!

As much as I would love to say it would be an option, I don’t think that he believes that he’s being abused 😞 I can’t explain why tbh, but I just have a feeling if that makes any sense?

These things are usually so slow and insidious you don't know you're in until you're in if that makes sense. 😔
I bet it was incredible and exciting when they got together and all the drama comes from her 'passion for him'... Until one day he wakes up and realises it stopped being fun a long time ago and he's stuck.

Depending on the dynamic, I think you and/or your partner should arrange to meet your friend alone. Preferably at home, as its not a conversation to have in public.

Then I would just be really honest about how you see the relationship. Tell him you want him to be happy, but you're concerned about him and the way he is being treated, and the way his partner behaves. That you'll be there for him no matter what he chooses to do, but that he deserves much, much better. I would tread really carefully with the term 'abuse/abusive' (although that's exactly what this is) as he might panic and get defensive. I think it's fair to say that she is extremely controlling and you do not see this as a healthy relationship.

Most people in abusive relationships are frozen - unable to move backwards or forwards. You lose your ability to think for yourself because all of your decisions are based around making choices that will avoid conflict. You forget how to choose what is right and best for you. When I was in a vaguely similar situation, all I wanted was for the decision to be taken away from me - for someone to ride in on a white horse and shout "Enough is enough!". I am not saying that this is how it is for your friend but he probably feels an element of 'no turning back now' and also, sunk costs (worth googling).

I think it would be really helpful for your DH to resume their friendship, but I also feel strongly that you should try to sit him down once - before he makes any commitment - and show him that there is a way out if he wants it. Tell him that nobody will judge him for leaving her, that you are fairly confident that marriage and kids will only make things worse and that his BEST chance to leave is pre-marraige and pre-kids.

If he is defensive and insists it's what he wants and that he is happy, you just remind him that you care and will always be there.

But please - don't be afraid to have one straight conversation with him and urge him to rethink before it's too late. He may just be waiting for someone to 'okay' his gut feeling. That's how it was for me.

My sister is emotionally abusive -sometimes physically abusive by throwing objects- to her husband. I have had to cut contact with them unfortunately because I was getting fed up with her behaviour.

I feel sorry for her husband he was a nice man and wasn't allowed any friends and only spoke to me and my husband, but I'm sure my sister was reading all of his messages about what he said to us.

He went to a friends bucks party on a boat with friends that came over from his home country to Australia (along with other strangers also on bucks parties of their own) which had topless waitresses as one would imagine might be seen at that kind of party and she got upset and wrote publicly on her Facebook how disgusting he and his friends were and they should he ashamed of themselves for being in the presence of half naked females.

Meanwhile she was a lesbian (and probably still is attracted to females) and said she enjoyed going to strip clubs.

It caused a massive row between them and his friends and he no longer has any friends.

She has totally broken him and he isn't allowed to spend his own money even on a chocolate bar but she could spend his money and her money on whatever she wants calls him horrible names saying he's fat and useless etc.

I so wish I could reach out to him but it's been 4 years and I don't want to cause a fight between them so I have had to let him deal with her on his own. He is just a shell of himself.

If you're in the position to, reach out he may come to a sudden realisation of her behaviour.

She sounds like my brother's girlfriend. She's truly the nastiest person I've ever come across, and is incredibly manipulative and abusive.

Unfortunately all I feel you can do is be supportive, don't sink to her level, and point out when she's being abusive. That's what we do with my brother. It's not really working if I'm honest, but there's nothing else we can do

You have described perfectly my step sons wife. We have had to detach completely as we were getting drawn into situations where we were made to look like the villains when it's all background manipulation by her.

I have been in a similar relationship, many years ago. Eventually there was a 'straw that broke the camels back' moment and I left him. I was aware of his abusive nature but felt unable to leave. Hopefully your DH's best friend will have an eye opening moment too but I suspect she will get pregnant ASAP and he will be tied to her forever then.