Page 2 | I despise this woman

Hiimblahblah · 2023-01-23T08:52:58+00:00

DP’s best friend since childhood has been with a woman that we both truly despise for several years now, and they’re due to be married. The reason we feel this way toward her is because she’s, in our options, quite abusive. She demands to check his phone to see what he’s been saying to his family about her, as he’s confided in them before about arguments that they’ve had. She wants to know clothes that he was wearing in the nights he was with previous sexual partners, and will ask him again several months later to see if he was telling the truth in his original answer. She gets angry at the mention of any of his previous sexual partners names, even if someone just has the same name as them, and they’re not actually talking about said previous partner. (Hope that makes sense?) One night, before I realised what type of person she was, she told me that she could easily “kick the fuck out of” her DPs sister over something that his sister said about her in a text message, that she obviously went through his phone and read. He’s afraid to spend time with his friends without her incase she accuses him of something, or has taken offence to something he has done before he met her in his absence, and he has to go home to her being a twat. She even joined his on his staff Christmas party, because she “missed hers” 🙄 She will ignore him for days after an argument. She’s previously proudly told me (no idea why a person would admit to this) that she has done the same with her family after arguments with them. In my shoes, how would you handle this person? We used to always ask them round for drinks and plan to meet up with them. However, ever since I realised what type of person she was I’ve stopped bothering and started keeping my distance from her.

Whataretheodds · 23/01/2023 10:08

If my best friend observed me in an abusive relationship I'd hope they would take me aside and express their concerns and offer help. How sad that your DP has simply withdrawn from his 'best friend'.

Original poster

Hiimblahblah · 23/01/2023 10:09

Cormick · 23/01/2023 09:55

It's totally understandable why you have taken a back seat. I may have thought about doing the same in your position. But taking a step back to look at the situation, I would say for his sake I'd hang in there to support him. You don't have to see her, I hope. But her successfully driving you and your dp away is leaving him even more vulnerable and isolated. A coffee once a fortnight and checking in with him via text sounds like a really good idea. Don't let her drive you away.

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Thank you for this ❤️ you’re right, that’s literally what’s happened and we haven’t seen it that way 😢 I’ve just spoken to DP and he’s dead keen to start meet ups again, so long as she isn’t there.

I’ve told him that I have no interest in double dates, it’ll just be the two of them meeting.

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Cormick · 23/01/2023 10:14

Best of luck op. I really hope things work out for your friend and he manages to break free from this abuse.

DanseAvecLesLoups · 23/01/2023 10:16

I have a very good male friend who embarked on a relationship with an increasingly controlling and very unpleasant woman. You could see the abusers script being followed insofar as the slow isolation of him from well established friendship groups and family, the constant checking on him when out without her, her displeasure with him doing any long established hobbies, the constant fucking drama, tears, emotional blackmail, the complete inability for us all to go out as group without her kicking off over some perceived slight. I absolutely loathed her. I kept my thoughts to myself under the fear of losing the friendship if I spoke out but when I started to hear hints and noises of engagement I arranged a long walk in the park and basically aired what I, and several others thought about how toxic this woman was and how we thought he was being abused. He had been in one very long relationship before that with someone he met at school and to be honest I don't think he even knew he was being controlled. He was displaying all the 'it's my fault she gets angry' rhetoric. It was hard, extremely hard to have that conversation and try to describe what a healthy relationship looks like. I sent him some material to read about abusive relationships and the tell tell signs of being in one. To our horror he did get engaged and to our delight ended it a month later and we were all on hand to hold his hand and help his escape. It was a high risk strategy to intervene but I so glad we did, he was a good man being absolutely fucked over by this person.

GrinAndVomit · 23/01/2023 10:20

I had a friend in this situation.
I realised if I said anything, it would mean that her partner had more reason to isolate her from me so I played nice.
I was polite to him. I never slagged him off but never sang his praises. I made a conscious effort to not speak about him at all.
I wanted to make sure she would feel safe coming to me when she was ready to leave. I knew if I said anything negative about him, she’d cut me off like she did other friends and family. I knew if I was too nice about him, she’d feel like I wouldn’t believe her.
A year or so later, she left. We are still friends.
It was a difficult rope to balance on.

You just need to know your friend quite well to be able to predict his reaction. Would a conversation about her mean the end of your friendship or just give him food for thought?

EmailMeDontcall · 23/01/2023 10:23

ShimmeringShirts · 23/01/2023 10:04

@EmailMeDontcall its not advice, it’s a suggestion to stop blaming abusive behaviour on autism. All it does is give the rest of us a bad name and make everyday life harder for us. So many people blame autism for abusive behaviour but that’s not the case at all, it’s people being entirely unwilling to accept they need to face up to how they’re acting and accept that it isn’t related to the medical condition at all. Autism doesn’t force you to repeatedly call and check up on someone else, you do that by yourself because you can’t cope with how you feel. It’s not right or ok, your DP will eventually realise this.

I’m not abusive. Your comments are extremely offensive. I’ve explained how I need to call my husband more than the average person would NOT to check up on him but for SUPPORT when needed. You have taken a snapshot of something and jumped to conclusions much like MIL etc do which is very offensive. Each person with ASD is different and one of my coping strategies is to have my husband to talk to whenever I need it. It’s not every 10 mins it might be 2/3 times a day it’s not excessive and I don’t need to be attacked or to feel like I have to justify how I manage my medical condition to a random who has jumped on me in a judgemental manner. How I manage MY autism doesn’t give anyone else a bad name

nc1013 · 23/01/2023 10:26

If the friend being controlled/abused was female and had a male partner the responses would be very different here

Guihgesfy5es · 23/01/2023 10:31

EmailMeDontcall · 23/01/2023 10:00

I appreciate the advice I’m sure it’s meant kindly but I’m ok how I am. We are managing things

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It might be worth talking to your partner about whether he is coping with this.

I had an autistic colleague who was an intern and had several meltdowns. As her manager, I became a trusted person and wanted to help. I think I did and hope what I did make a difference to her long term career. However, the meltdowns and coaching took a toll on myself. She didn't recognise the impact this would have on others. I spoke to her about this and she really thought it was not a problem as "lots of people have mental health issues". I don't think I convinced her that she needed to get help for meltdowns but she did get some help. After the year was done, her flatmate couldn't cope, I found it incredibly difficult and stressful. She had a committed boyfriend and parents who she expected to cope with frequent meltdowns.

Everyone is different and I do not think you will be the same as this person. But perhaps her autism made it hard for her to recognise the emotional toll she placed on others so she could cope with her life. Maybe it's worth checking in whether it is causing others significant trauma to make your life easier

daemonologie · 23/01/2023 10:31

They've been together several years. He's obviously okay to talk to everyone about her and she would pick up in this if she's naturally insecure, this would just exacerbate her worries. If he wants to commit to her despite all this then that's his business. It might just end in divorce but you can't police who he is with. You don't have to see her if you don't like her but it would be good for him to feel her can be open about it as he will need support when it all goes tits up

nc1013 · 23/01/2023 10:34

@EmailMeDontcall ..... I’m not abusive. Your comments are extremely offensive. I’ve explained how I need to call my husband more than the average person would NOT to check up on him but for SUPPORT when needed. You have taken a snapshot of something and jumped to conclusions much like MIL etc do which is very offensive. Each person with ASD is different and one of my coping strategies is to have my husband to talk to whenever I need it. It’s not every 10 mins it might be 2/3 times a day it’s not excessive and I don’t need to be attacked or to feel like I have to justify how I manage my medical condition to a random who has jumped on me in a judgemental manner. How I manage MY autism doesn’t give anyone else a bad name.

I wouldn't deem calling a partner 2/3 times a day to be abusive or controlling in its own right. Obviously your DHs family see more to it than that?

EmailMeDontcall · 23/01/2023 10:34

Guihgesfy5es · 23/01/2023 10:31

It might be worth talking to your partner about whether he is coping with this.

I had an autistic colleague who was an intern and had several meltdowns. As her manager, I became a trusted person and wanted to help. I think I did and hope what I did make a difference to her long term career. However, the meltdowns and coaching took a toll on myself. She didn't recognise the impact this would have on others. I spoke to her about this and she really thought it was not a problem as "lots of people have mental health issues". I don't think I convinced her that she needed to get help for meltdowns but she did get some help. After the year was done, her flatmate couldn't cope, I found it incredibly difficult and stressful. She had a committed boyfriend and parents who she expected to cope with frequent meltdowns.

Everyone is different and I do not think you will be the same as this person. But perhaps her autism made it hard for her to recognise the emotional toll she placed on others so she could cope with her life. Maybe it's worth checking in whether it is causing others significant trauma to make your life easier

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Thankyou for wording it so kindly, I’ll chat with my husband I do regularly feel guilty and he says he’s fine and understands but I’ll make an effort to check regularly he is feeling ok

EmailMeDontcall · 23/01/2023 10:36

nc1013 · 23/01/2023 10:34

@EmailMeDontcall ..... I’m not abusive. Your comments are extremely offensive. I’ve explained how I need to call my husband more than the average person would NOT to check up on him but for SUPPORT when needed. You have taken a snapshot of something and jumped to conclusions much like MIL etc do which is very offensive. Each person with ASD is different and one of my coping strategies is to have my husband to talk to whenever I need it. It’s not every 10 mins it might be 2/3 times a day it’s not excessive and I don’t need to be attacked or to feel like I have to justify how I manage my medical condition to a random who has jumped on me in a judgemental manner. How I manage MY autism doesn’t give anyone else a bad name.

I wouldn't deem calling a partner 2/3 times a day to be abusive or controlling in its own right. Obviously your DHs family see more to it than that?

I think when you always hear one side of a conversation and someone is talking about times etc you could easily assume they were in a controlling relationship if you don’t know the background

Guihgesfy5es · 23/01/2023 10:37

EmailMeDontcall · 23/01/2023 10:34

Thankyou for wording it so kindly, I’ll chat with my husband I do regularly feel guilty and he says he’s fine and understands but I’ll make an effort to check regularly he is feeling ok

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Glad it helps. That's the best you can do. Check in with others to see if they are ok too. He might feel bad about saying he is not ok, sometimes people, especially men feel the need to be "strong" and look after those they love. My advice would be to do as you say and then consider asking in another way in a few months to make sure he has more than one chance to open up

I feel this would be a good way to have an open and mutually supportive relationship.

Best of luck

RudsyFarmer · 23/01/2023 10:39

Why do you think he is with her? Do you think she has redeeming qualities or he is in a domestic abuse situation?

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 23/01/2023 10:43

@DanseAvecLesLoups 👏👏
Well done, having difficult conversations takes courage, your friend really needed that. Thank goodness you were by his side and didn't just look the other way.
My close friends brother didn't get that, now he's married and stays because his abusive wife would cut him off from his kids, hang him out to dry and take it out on the children (one with sen) if he left. He's a shell.
The abusive wife has had a successful career, is lauded as a shining example in her field, but in her personal life she's something else, so cold and nasty and has systematically isolated him from any support.

theseangeldelights · 23/01/2023 10:52

OP, you know that all the examples you've mentioned could be spun to sound bad when there may be another story? I'm not saying that is the case, just be very careful when making assumptions about other people's relationships!

ShimmeringShirts · 23/01/2023 10:55

@EmailMeDontcall but there are better ways to manage it, therapy works massively. But when the world sees one autistic person acting in a way that is abusive for a NT person it affects their views and opinions of all autistic people. They then go on and carry those opinions throughout their lives and apply them to other people with autism they come across. It does affect everybody, and it is on you to find ways to cope with it in real life. Adults with autism or AuDHD aren’t prone to meltdowns, we find ways to cope. When you’re an adult you have the capacity to recognise and control yourself, that’s not the same for children which is where the meltdowns come from.

ReneBumsWombats · 23/01/2023 10:59

theseangeldelights · 23/01/2023 10:52

OP, you know that all the examples you've mentioned could be spun to sound bad when there may be another story? I'm not saying that is the case, just be very careful when making assumptions about other people's relationships!

Talking about kicking the fuck out of his sister? Checking his phone and trying to catch him out regarding previous relationships?

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 23/01/2023 11:02

MN is very interesting.

Talks of an abusive woman, and people say “There’s two sides to every story” “Keep out of it”.

But if this was an OP talking about her female friend and a man who demands to check her phone would be told to call 101 immediately.

Calphurnia88 · 23/01/2023 11:06

@EmailMeDontcall the response you're getting is because you've said that your DH's family would say the same about you. OP hasn't just described this woman as controlling and abusive, she's included really specific examples of controlling and abusive behaviour - demanding to see his phone, interrogating him and getting angry about his previous sexual partners, making violent threats towards his sister, ignoring him for days after an argument, making him feel afraid to spend time with friends.

Surely you're not saying that the same could be said of you, and using autism as an excuse?

@Hiimblahblah I disagree with PP who have said to stay out of it. If this were one of my close girlfriends I would have to say something. It's up to your friend what he chooses to do, but sometimes you need a wakeup call (speaking from experience).

Original poster

Hiimblahblah · 23/01/2023 11:08

GrinAndVomit · 23/01/2023 10:20

I had a friend in this situation.
I realised if I said anything, it would mean that her partner had more reason to isolate her from me so I played nice.
I was polite to him. I never slagged him off but never sang his praises. I made a conscious effort to not speak about him at all.
I wanted to make sure she would feel safe coming to me when she was ready to leave. I knew if I said anything negative about him, she’d cut me off like she did other friends and family. I knew if I was too nice about him, she’d feel like I wouldn’t believe her.
A year or so later, she left. We are still friends.
It was a difficult rope to balance on.

You just need to know your friend quite well to be able to predict his reaction. Would a conversation about her mean the end of your friendship or just give him food for thought?

I’m so sorry to hear this. Thank goodness she got away and your friendship is still intact ❤️

My DP has told his friend exactly what he thinks of the situation he’s in, but it hasn’t changed anything. I’ve know his best friend for a very long time, and I would like to sit down and talk to him about his situation. However, I know in my heart I would only be doing it to vent my own frustrations about his relationship, which would be selfish. It would be different if I had something to say that he didn’t already know, but I don’t 😞

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Original poster

Hiimblahblah · 23/01/2023 11:14

RudsyFarmer · 23/01/2023 10:39

Why do you think he is with her? Do you think she has redeeming qualities or he is in a domestic abuse situation?

Honestly, I think he does love her, but IMHO she’s not the love of his life.

I genuinely believe he’s in a race to get married and have babies because his friends are doing it and he feels like he’s missing out. He was with his previous DP for almost a decade and it went tits up, and I feel like he might be trying to make up for lost time.

I’ve been wrong before though, so I could very well be wrong now 🤷‍♀️

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CandlelightGlow · 23/01/2023 11:16

Swimmingpoolsally · 23/01/2023 09:11

Fairly sure there is two sides to this …

Would you say that if the OP's DP's friend was a woman and the person OP is describing was a man? Please check your biases.

OP he is in an abusive relationship and I would ask your DP to speak to him confidentially. I think it's a really really difficult thing to navigate as a third party, because you don't want to invoke backlash from the abusive partner which would be directed at him, but you want to intervene when you know someone close to you is going through this.

My city's local domestic abuse charity has set up an advertising campaign recently where they tell people who suspect domestic abuse to contact them (not just for victims themselves to contact them). Would this be an option? They can give you professional advice on what might be best to do.

Original poster

Hiimblahblah · 23/01/2023 11:16

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 23/01/2023 10:43

@DanseAvecLesLoups 👏👏
Well done, having difficult conversations takes courage, your friend really needed that. Thank goodness you were by his side and didn't just look the other way.
My close friends brother didn't get that, now he's married and stays because his abusive wife would cut him off from his kids, hang him out to dry and take it out on the children (one with sen) if he left. He's a shell.
The abusive wife has had a successful career, is lauded as a shining example in her field, but in her personal life she's something else, so cold and nasty and has systematically isolated him from any support.

This is absolutely heart breaking 💔

How dare any woman treat their children this way, it fucking sickens me!! Your poor friends brother 😢

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CandlelightGlow · 23/01/2023 11:18

Why do you think he is with her? Do you think she has redeeming qualities or he is in a domestic abuse situation?

There are some really ignorant responses on this thread. All abusers have "redeeming" qualities it's how the dynamic works. Just because they are capable of being nice sometimes does not in any way negate the abuse.