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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fed up with my partner

71 replies

Ladybug85789 · 21/01/2023 00:58

We have two children one 5 years old the other 2 years old. I work part time but mainly SAHM I only do 12 hours a week, whilst he works full time. However recently he was let go from his job after failing a drug test at work. He smokes weed and has since I was with him years ago. He’s a daily user I have threatened to leave many times due to smoking cannabis due to cost of the weed and not wanting it around my children. He smokes outside and away from the house. We never go away on holiday or having any days out really due to this and his love for going out. I am a primary school teacher by profession however due to bringing the children up it’s been hard to work full time. My partner is quite lazy and immature therefore when he is looking after the kids whilst I work he doesn’t feed them properly gives them the iPad all day does no cooking or cleaning which makes me really anxious to go into work. He also goes out with his friends at least once a week and gets very drunk, ends up gambling money when he’s drunk and
strolling in at 7am. He did this also when I was pregnant. Without him I worry I won’t be able to afford all the bills and rent etc especially working part time. I have no family help or friends and nursery is to expensive. I do have family around me but they are all busy themselves. He does have good qualities aswell he is loving and caring plays with the kids but I feel like he’s just my extra child like having a teenager that gets stroppy if he doesn’t go out. He’s gone out again today using savings to get drunk whilst he’s been out of work. I would work full time but don’t trust him to look after the kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ladybug85789 · 21/01/2023 00:59

Fed up of partner

OP posts:

Addicted2LoveIsland · 21/01/2023 01:01

I think you should consider your options. I know you're worried about money, but he would have to contribute. Get online and find out how much he would have to pay and look into a more full time role and what money that could bring in and have a look at childminder costs. I'm not saying rush and leave him but just do some investigating for now.

RobertaFirmino · 21/01/2023 01:06

Remember that you would probably be entitled to some top up benefits if you were a single mother. Have a look at the Turn2us benefits calculator, filling it in with your details only:

Turn2us

Thedogscollar · 21/01/2023 01:06

Good God OP read your post back. You say he has good qualities!!!.
He is a drug using drunk who doesn't work, spends your savings on booze and is shit at looking after his kids.
Ffs really why on earth would you stay with this deadbeat.
Bluntness required as I can't actually believe what I've just read that makes any sense to stay with this pathetic creature.

Duchess379 · 21/01/2023 01:10

Thedogscollar · 21/01/2023 01:06

This!! With bells on it!! He's an absolute a-hole & doesn't care about you or the kids. To get himself sacked for drug use shows you where you are in his priorities. Kick the loser out, fgs 🤦🏼

Original poster

Ladybug85789 · 21/01/2023 01:15

I know your totally right I can’t understand why I stay it’s just a toxic relationship he has no qualifications, no driving licence so the jobs he can do are very limited. All the jobs he can do require a pre employment drug test which he can’t pass, as he won’t give up his habit.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 21/01/2023 01:20

Your standards are in the gutter. What is it about your past that would allow you to give this man a passing glance, nevermind have his children? It's unfathomable.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/01/2023 01:24

Yeah you need to leave him asap

I was thinking when you said “fed up” he’d be not putting cups in the dishwasher or something, not something as awful as this.

Duchess379 · 21/01/2023 01:25

Ladybug85789 · 21/01/2023 01:15

Oh ffs, it gets worse! He's a drugged up loser with no job & no drivers licence?! Unless he looks Tom Hardy, wtf are you tolerating him for?!

Thedogscollar · 21/01/2023 01:26

Ladybug85789 · 21/01/2023 01:15

Ok you know he is a total waster but you are actually putting him before your children. He is their role model, God help them. You have to protect yourself and your kids by staying put you are pandering to this utter POS. Harsh but true. Get a plan in place. You can do this.

MissBPotter · 21/01/2023 01:29

This is definitely one where you LTB. Unfortunately he might not have to contribute much/anything if he’s u employed, but at the moment he’s taking your savings anyway and you can’t trust him with the kids due to his drug addiction. He sounds like a total loser.
Leave, claim benefits and when youngest is at school go back to work full time. You’ll be better off financially and you won’t be around this waste of space.
i think you need to work on your self esteem as well and realize that you don’t need to settle for relationships like this! Eventually you may meet someone far better.

iminvestednow · 21/01/2023 01:42

for all those saying LTB, it’s not that easy, I do everything for my children and honestly I doubt he would notice if I stopped. He knows though I would never let my children suffer and even if he was completely absent I will pick up he slack.my children are everything to me and it abundantly clear that is not reciprocated . I’m sorry for ranting.

is there ever a point where your partner starts loving you again?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 21/01/2023 01:50

Put your older child in a school with afterschool care and your younger one in nursery. Won't you get free hours when child is 3? Get a teaching job and apply for every benefit you can get. Ask your family for some help. They might not be too busy if they realized the problem.
Also, withdraw all your money from any joint account and deposit it in a new account in your name only. If you are renting, have the lease put in your name only.
Do this for your children. The longer they are exposed to him, the more dangerous for them.

bakewellbride · 21/01/2023 01:56

You MUST leave him. Your family are 'busy' I'm sorry that is just a weak excuse. I'm sure if they knew what was going on they'd support you and make it work somehow if they're decent people. Please think of the children.

ConsuelaHammock · 21/01/2023 02:03

He’s not a partner . He’s a liability and a shocking parent. Leave him and enquire about help to pay nursery costs so that you can work an extra day . You’ll be ok but you need to get rid of him.

Ihadenough22 · 21/01/2023 03:44

You have 2 small children and your just working 12 hours a week because of this. Meanwhile your partner has a serious weed habitat and lost his job because of a drug test. So now your family has lost his income.

He has very little qualifications, he can't drive and he won't pass a drugs test. I know people who either went back into education as adults or did qualifications to get them say into a junior job. Then with some experience and further training they got a promotion or moved on to a better job say after a year or two.

This man is an adult with 2 children and he only cares about himself. He knew about his employer doing drug tests but still kept smoking weed. So his attitude was so what if I lost my job? Does he expect you to fund his weed and gambling habit now?

The reality is that he shown you his true colours. It's time to end things with him. If he was not living with you maybe able to claim benefits, help towards child minding costs and get back to working full time. If you stay with this man he will expect you to support him and his habits. You have to consider your children as well and the future.

ZekeZeke · 21/01/2023 04:51

Kick the cocklodging, lazy, druggie, alcoholic, gambling waste of space out.
He adds nothing to your life.
He is a leech and will suck you dry.
You and your children deserve so much more.

Stunningscreamer · 21/01/2023 05:00

I'm so sorry he's such a waster. You deserve so much better.

At the moment he's dragging you down. You might think you won't manage on your own but without this dead weight you will feel so much better. Having a useless partner is way worse than no partner at all.

You must be entitled to some top up benefits and he may realise when he's on his own that he can't rely on mummy you any more to look after him and may have to get a job, in which case you'll be entitled to money off him on top of your salary and any other benefits. It won't get better if you do nothing.

Outtasteamandluck · 21/01/2023 05:23

I have threatened to leave many times due to smoking cannabis

But you haven't left so the threats mean nothing.

You're worried about coping financially if you were to split but are you not worried NOW that he's lost his job ? 🤷‍♀️

Shoxfordian · 21/01/2023 05:26

He’s not much of a partner is he? He’s a waste of space op, and you’re allowing your kids to be around him- he’s a loser. Don’t be a mug

daisychain01 · 21/01/2023 05:29

Wait until your children grow up and realise their mother exposed them to a drug addicted lazy arsehole and did nothing about it, other than making empty threats to leave that she never followed through on.

please read back your own post and ask yourself what your doing to those poor children. It isn't like you'd even miss him, you're working and he's lazing around at home doing sweet FA high on weed.

Shouldbesleeping1 · 21/01/2023 05:34

Hi. I'm a working mum and I pay for a childminder when I'm working. Most of my pay is on childcare costs but not all - but I'm working, I've got my foot in the door of a job, and my kids are with someone who is reliable and brilliant. Soon, 30 free hours kicks in for my youngest and I'll have more money.
I honestly think not working and staying with someone crap his a huge mistake. Being a SAHM is only a good idea if - you're happy not having a career, can afford it, in a happy relationship.
You need independence and the only way to do that is take control financially bumpy getting.a job and paying for a childminder. It will be easier when they're both at school.

MiddleParking · 21/01/2023 05:35

You work as a primary school teacher?

Legrandetraitor · 21/01/2023 05:53

i Don’t know if this is true as you seem to have had a name change fail but this post has pissed me off so much. One of my brothers is a cannabis addicted loser like this. So I know what they are like/I’ve met plenty of his friends over the years. Why on Earth did you have TWO children with him?! How could you possibly have him around your children? What sort of parent does that?

you leave, NOW. School teacher is an excellent job for being a single mother - your home for holidays and your hours are similar to theirs. The 5 year old should be in reception and the 2 year old will start nursery with 30 free hours. Your post is full of excuses and no action and there are children at the end of the day being neglected horribly when you’re not around and being exposed to passive weed smoke and a drug addict

Legrandetraitor · 21/01/2023 05:57

@iminvestednow

you said in other threads you have 3 children

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