Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fed up with my partner

71 replies

Ladybug85789 · 21/01/2023 00:58

We have two children one 5 years old the other 2 years old. I work part time but mainly SAHM I only do 12 hours a week, whilst he works full time. However recently he was let go from his job after failing a drug test at work. He smokes weed and has since I was with him years ago. He’s a daily user I have threatened to leave many times due to smoking cannabis due to cost of the weed and not wanting it around my children. He smokes outside and away from the house. We never go away on holiday or having any days out really due to this and his love for going out. I am a primary school teacher by profession however due to bringing the children up it’s been hard to work full time. My partner is quite lazy and immature therefore when he is looking after the kids whilst I work he doesn’t feed them properly gives them the iPad all day does no cooking or cleaning which makes me really anxious to go into work. He also goes out with his friends at least once a week and gets very drunk, ends up gambling money when he’s drunk and
strolling in at 7am. He did this also when I was pregnant. Without him I worry I won’t be able to afford all the bills and rent etc especially working part time. I have no family help or friends and nursery is to expensive. I do have family around me but they are all busy themselves. He does have good qualities aswell he is loving and caring plays with the kids but I feel like he’s just my extra child like having a teenager that gets stroppy if he doesn’t go out. He’s gone out again today using savings to get drunk whilst he’s been out of work. I would work full time but don’t trust him to look after the kids.

OP posts:
Cherrypicks · 21/01/2023 07:28

It is difficult to leave, you don’t deserve to be going through what you are. I agree with all posters that are suggesting you need to leave him, this does not mean it isn’t difficult. To those writing what kind of parent are you, OP is obviously a parent doing both roles. You all mean well but this bashing does not help someone who already clearly has self esteem/confidence issues. It is easy to say these are excuses to not leave but a drug addicted gambler, drunk with little education. I’m sure he would handle her leaving him well, no of course not. OP could be very scared to leave because of how he may react.

Families can be relied upon but to be that clueless (this is not aimed at you OP) that there may be other factors involved where OP family can’t be relied upon full time or depending on the family background how much they’re willing to help. Again, it isn’t as simple as ltb.

Op you are under financial strain, you may be able to get some more help of the government to see yourself through until the 2 year old is at nursery, if you have free hours you could use them to free up some more time for you to be able to work. A childminder is also a good idea from what another poster has written, it could be worth seeing how much they are. Right now, if he’s unemployed there’s no point for you to stay with him. His money will run out and he will turn to you on the little money you have and you will be left with nothing.

Leaving any relationship is difficult, but a man who you had children with is even harder. Having that conflict of protecting the dads image for your children and when you are to leave the back and forth childcare between you both, if he cannot be trusted is an extremely difficult battle. However, it isn’t your job to protect his image, even for the sake of your children and that’s something you need to remember if you are to leave. There are people that can help, and would want to help.

OP you deserve to have a life without this much hurt, toxic relationships can really affect your ability to have any self confidence once you’ve been shut in dealing with the things you have, take it step by step. Try to work on your self esteem, from what you wrote it seems like you’ve always had quite a low self esteem because of how much you’re tolerating.

You’re doing a good job raising both children on your own, you’ll do an even better job once he is no longer around.

JudgeRudy · 21/01/2023 08:11

I'm not sure what you're hoping for here OP. 😔 it sounds like you're with him simply because he's better than nothing....but is he?
He can't be trusted to give even the most basic level of care for his children. He has a drug habit and is taking family money to feed this. He doesn't participate in family life or do his fair share of work around the home......and above all this he makes you feel stressed and miserable. I'm failing to see the appeal.
I think the children would thrive better in a nursery or with a childminder whilst you work. Theres financial helpnout there for working parents. You'll be relaxed and stable, have school holidays and best, not worrying what's round the corner. What is next? Will he lose his drivers licence? Be brave OP, get your ducks in a row then do it for your children. You all deserve more

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 21/01/2023 08:20

This is the third post this week where the OP knows how shit their partner is and just comes on for a whinge.

I know it’s not that simple to leave a toxic relationship but seriously, if you can type paragraphs about how awful they are, they you can start the plan to leave them, however long it takes.

A woman that stays with a shit dad knowing how awful he is has to take responsibility too, sorry but it’s true.

(Obviously I don’t mean in cases where the woman is truest trapped due to fear).

Whatatimetobealivetoday · 21/01/2023 08:20

Trapped*

Bananalanacake · 21/01/2023 08:22

How does he pay for all this weed and gambling without a job, is he actually looking for a job.

Original poster
Ladybug85789 · 21/01/2023 08:51

I’m not @iminvestednow that poster has come on my thread and just wrote a post about her life lol. Which is fine but I can see how that could be confusing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladybug85789 · 21/01/2023 08:54

Thanks for replying but I only made this account two days ago and this is my second post. First one complaining about my partner. If you think my post is connected to @iminvestednow totally different person.

OP posts:
Tapitandunwrapit · 21/01/2023 08:54

@Legrandetraitor ”School teacher is an excellent job for being a single mother - your home for holidays and your hours are similar to theirs. The 5 year old should be in reception and the 2 year old will start nursery with 30 free hours”
exactly this!
I brought my two up as a teacher, completely on my own. It is hard and the childcare will be difficult in term time but you can get tax free childcare and maybe some benefits. If you get a job with a pre school section and wrap around care, your children can go in and come home with you when you finish and it may be subsidised . You need to find a full time job, apply for any help you can get and go it alone. My ex drank, gambled and almost ruined me financially but many years later the kids don’t want to see him and he pays nothing. He has no proper home and no job- he’s never changed and neither will your horrible partner.
Put your kids first, it’s all you can do.

thirdtimeluckyorwhat · 21/01/2023 08:55

I think you would be far better without him. He is a looser

AbreathofFrenchair · 21/01/2023 09:00

Ladybug85789 · 21/01/2023 00:58

We have two children one 5 years old the other 2 years old. I work part time but mainly SAHM I only do 12 hours a week, whilst he works full time. However recently he was let go from his job after failing a drug test at work. He smokes weed and has since I was with him years ago. He’s a daily user I have threatened to leave many times due to smoking cannabis due to cost of the weed and not wanting it around my children. He smokes outside and away from the house. We never go away on holiday or having any days out really due to this and his love for going out. I am a primary school teacher by profession however due to bringing the children up it’s been hard to work full time. My partner is quite lazy and immature therefore when he is looking after the kids whilst I work he doesn’t feed them properly gives them the iPad all day does no cooking or cleaning which makes me really anxious to go into work. He also goes out with his friends at least once a week and gets very drunk, ends up gambling money when he’s drunk and
strolling in at 7am. He did this also when I was pregnant. Without him I worry I won’t be able to afford all the bills and rent etc especially working part time. I have no family help or friends and nursery is to expensive. I do have family around me but they are all busy themselves. He does have good qualities aswell he is loving and caring plays with the kids but I feel like he’s just my extra child like having a teenager that gets stroppy if he doesn’t go out. He’s gone out again today using savings to get drunk whilst he’s been out of work. I would work full time but don’t trust him to look after the kids.

You might be able to put up with it but why dont you think your children deserve better?

You say you worry you cant afford to leave and go it alone but how are you currently surviving on just 12 hours pay if he has lost his job?

You need to start finding out your entitlement to benefits and making plans to get out of there for the sake of your children.

He is a drug user which has caused him to lose his job and you don't trust him to look after his own children.

AbreathofFrenchair · 21/01/2023 09:04

Legrandetraitor · 21/01/2023 05:53

i Don’t know if this is true as you seem to have had a name change fail but this post has pissed me off so much. One of my brothers is a cannabis addicted loser like this. So I know what they are like/I’ve met plenty of his friends over the years. Why on Earth did you have TWO children with him?! How could you possibly have him around your children? What sort of parent does that?

you leave, NOW. School teacher is an excellent job for being a single mother - your home for holidays and your hours are similar to theirs. The 5 year old should be in reception and the 2 year old will start nursery with 30 free hours. Your post is full of excuses and no action and there are children at the end of the day being neglected horribly when you’re not around and being exposed to passive weed smoke and a drug addict

2 year old funding is capped at 15 hours, not 30.

The 30 hour funded hours only applies to 3 year olds but you can apply for this when the child is 2 years and 36 weeks old and will start the term after their 3rd birthday.

Zanatdy · 21/01/2023 09:05

Go on entitled to website and put in some figures. You will be entitled to help with childcare and rent if you rent. You could still work part time and get your salary topped up with universal credit. So you wouldn’t need him to look after the kids. You don’t have to stay with a man like this, UC won’t mean you live a luxurious lifestyle but you should get enough to manage, which sounds like you’re doing now, just managing if that. Women always think they need to stay for financial reasons and put up with some terrible behaviour from their partners. Raise your bar and you’ll be fine on your own.

AbreathofFrenchair · 21/01/2023 09:06

Also OP, if you are a primary school teacher and you had children in your class in this home environment, you would be logging concerns, especially if the children repeated anything untoward that they have seen or heard at home. You should now that children are not oblivious to things that happen at home and often repeat or act out things theyve seen.

You wouldn't ignore it as a professional, why are you ignoring it when it's your own children?

Cosycover · 21/01/2023 09:06

If any of your children had a partner like this, what would you tell them to do?

Shunkleisshiny · 21/01/2023 09:08

As a pp said what on earth made you have one child with this loser never mind two? As you mentioned he has been smoking weed for years, so this is not a new thing.

No job, no qualifications and no prospects. Get shot of him or else you will be lumbered with the useless clot forever, do your children deserve this?

LikeTearsInRain · 21/01/2023 09:10

Sounds like a rubbish relationship. What I don’t get is why this wasn’t apparent by the time your first child got to 2-3 and why you then decided to make a second child with him, would have been an easier opportunity to leave and find someone else to make more children with.

I would still recommend you leave now. He won’t change. You’ve argued about weed and his lifestyle for years. Unless you want two decades more of it and then split once the kids are grown up and miss out on enjoying the rest of your younger years with someone better…

Maray1967 · 21/01/2023 09:10

AbreathofFrenchair · 21/01/2023 09:06

Also OP, if you are a primary school teacher and you had children in your class in this home environment, you would be logging concerns, especially if the children repeated anything untoward that they have seen or heard at home. You should now that children are not oblivious to things that happen at home and often repeat or act out things theyve seen.

You wouldn't ignore it as a professional, why are you ignoring it when it's your own children?

Exactly this. You are leaving your children with a drug user you don’t trust.
GET RID OF HIM

Original poster
Ladybug85789 · 21/01/2023 09:13

I am scared to leave as he threatens me, my family know about it, not my parents but siblings they do tell me to leave. Saying my family is busy means they all work or have children of their own. I haven’t looked into the free childcare I could get if I worked more, it is my fault as i wouldn’t want him in nursery all day and want to be his primary carer. I keep thinking it’s only one more year I can work full time when he goes to school. I do have self esteem issues, bullying as a child. Partner hasn’t worked since Christmas but has worked all his life prior to this. He’s limited in getting more education and skills as he didn’t go to school much therefore reads very basic, and is also dyslexic. Thankyou for all your replies I know I should leave. I am going to look into the childcare options available. I also don’t want to get other people involved when he doesn’t leave as I’m quite a private person I’m a introvert and would rather it just be settled between us as adults than calling family or friends to get him out. I feel like it’s uneccsssary drama. He does know he’s in the wrong. My boys are young and do love their dad I know he’s no good for them but that’s one reason that stops me aswell. I don’t stay with him for myself at all the love has gone from my side,even when he goes out doesn’t come in till 7am I don’t call him I just go to sleep as I’m numb to the pain over all these years as it’s been going on for over 10 years. He obviously has his own demons with drugs and I’m just living in this hole with him with my children. Thanks again for all the replies does open your eyes seeing it from others.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladybug85789 · 21/01/2023 09:14

W

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladybug85789 · 21/01/2023 09:22

I am also studying for my masters online so that I will be in a better financial situation for my children. The stress that I’m under sometimes makes me want to drop out.

OP posts:
Imogensmumma · 21/01/2023 09:47

I know you don’t want to get others involved but if he is threatening you for the safety of you and your boys please tell someone… anyone… family or Woman’s Aid . You may want to keep it private but people can’t help you if they don’t know. It isn’t about your privacy it’s about protecting your boys.

Which is more important your privacy or protecting your boys?

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 21/01/2023 09:48

You won't need to worry about money as he currently pisses what you do have up the wall.

Your siblings aren't too busy. You just don't feel you can impose. They will support you as they've already told you to leave.

Your P has zero redeeming features particularly now you have said he threatens you. Call the police if he does it again.

Your DC's may think he's a great dad but they don't know any different. They can hear what's going on and smell his weed.

If you wait until your kids go to school something will happen where social services will have to be involved. You are not protecting your kids

I don't think I've ever read about such a sorry excuse of a man and his loyal partner. This is very first LTB. Actually kick him out.

You sound lovely and have a great career and future ahead of you. Please create the wonderful life you and your kids deserve. He is taking it all away from you.

findmybalance · 21/01/2023 09:53

MiddleParking · 21/01/2023 05:35

You work as a primary school teacher?

It's in the Op.

findmybalance · 21/01/2023 09:54

OP isnt going to leave. Not yet anyway. Could we cut the nasty and flippant comments and show compassion and patience to a woman who is clearly vulnerable?

Tapitandunwrapit · 21/01/2023 09:57

Keep up your masters! It’ll qualify you to do so much more in education. It’ll be hard but you have to ask friends and family for help. Your 2 year old will probably love nursery, mine were so well prepared for school and happy playing with their friends all day. I was always in bits but they loved it!
I know how hard it is to ask for support but once people are aware, they will be happy to help. It’s not forever. In a little while you will have 2 in school full time and you could be free of that stomach churning feeling, waiting for the key in the door. Your children deserve a lot more, don’t wait until they start asking where Daddy is and what’s wrong with him.