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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fed up with my partner

71 replies

Ladybug85789 · 21/01/2023 00:58

We have two children one 5 years old the other 2 years old. I work part time but mainly SAHM I only do 12 hours a week, whilst he works full time. However recently he was let go from his job after failing a drug test at work. He smokes weed and has since I was with him years ago. He’s a daily user I have threatened to leave many times due to smoking cannabis due to cost of the weed and not wanting it around my children. He smokes outside and away from the house. We never go away on holiday or having any days out really due to this and his love for going out. I am a primary school teacher by profession however due to bringing the children up it’s been hard to work full time. My partner is quite lazy and immature therefore when he is looking after the kids whilst I work he doesn’t feed them properly gives them the iPad all day does no cooking or cleaning which makes me really anxious to go into work. He also goes out with his friends at least once a week and gets very drunk, ends up gambling money when he’s drunk and
strolling in at 7am. He did this also when I was pregnant. Without him I worry I won’t be able to afford all the bills and rent etc especially working part time. I have no family help or friends and nursery is to expensive. I do have family around me but they are all busy themselves. He does have good qualities aswell he is loving and caring plays with the kids but I feel like he’s just my extra child like having a teenager that gets stroppy if he doesn’t go out. He’s gone out again today using savings to get drunk whilst he’s been out of work. I would work full time but don’t trust him to look after the kids.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 21/01/2023 10:01

What do you mean by him threatening you? What does he threaten to do?

lovemelongtime · 21/01/2023 10:02

I voted YABU simply because you are still with this waste of space. Find a way to get out and give yourself and kids the love you all deserve.

theleafandnotthetree · 21/01/2023 10:13

I'm afraid being a stay at home mum is a luxury you cannot afford if the price is staying in this deeply dysfunctional set up. You child is 2, not a baby and with teaching hours and holidays, will spend far less time in childcare than millions of other children. And frankly, any childcare sounds better than the piss poor care offered by their father. You have so many more options than so many women in similar situations. You are an educated professional woman with a supportive extended family - you need to get out of this situation or at least make concrete plans to do so immediately.

Ladybug85789 · 21/01/2023 10:13

@pinkyredrose threatening to take the kids with him. He would go back to his mums house where his other siblings live who are also smoking weed daily. I know he can’t take them full time but he could take them sometimes and that really puts me off as they are so small and need full time looking after not just a bunch of stoners. His mum is really nice she’s a devout Christian and always praying but she’s 75 so she couldn’t keep up with two young children.

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 21/01/2023 10:16

Surely with his long history of drug taking etc and the environment he would be bringing them to, he would only be granted limited access to the children? Would he even be that bothered - apart from getting one over on you? That wouldn't last.

AbreathofFrenchair · 21/01/2023 10:17

Ladybug85789 · 21/01/2023 09:13

I am scared to leave as he threatens me, my family know about it, not my parents but siblings they do tell me to leave. Saying my family is busy means they all work or have children of their own. I haven’t looked into the free childcare I could get if I worked more, it is my fault as i wouldn’t want him in nursery all day and want to be his primary carer. I keep thinking it’s only one more year I can work full time when he goes to school. I do have self esteem issues, bullying as a child. Partner hasn’t worked since Christmas but has worked all his life prior to this. He’s limited in getting more education and skills as he didn’t go to school much therefore reads very basic, and is also dyslexic. Thankyou for all your replies I know I should leave. I am going to look into the childcare options available. I also don’t want to get other people involved when he doesn’t leave as I’m quite a private person I’m a introvert and would rather it just be settled between us as adults than calling family or friends to get him out. I feel like it’s uneccsssary drama. He does know he’s in the wrong. My boys are young and do love their dad I know he’s no good for them but that’s one reason that stops me aswell. I don’t stay with him for myself at all the love has gone from my side,even when he goes out doesn’t come in till 7am I don’t call him I just go to sleep as I’m numb to the pain over all these years as it’s been going on for over 10 years. He obviously has his own demons with drugs and I’m just living in this hole with him with my children. Thanks again for all the replies does open your eyes seeing it from others.

Unfortunately you dont have the luxury of being able to be at home with your children. You need to work and put them into nursery and get them out of the neglectful home life they currently have.

The fact you are prepared to keep your children in a drug fuelled and neglectful household with a second parent who cant look after them and is now verbally abusive is quite shocking really, especially as you have the info and the processes needed to leave.

I know it won't be easy, but it won't get any easier the longer you stay so you need to bite the bullet at some point. He has you right where he wants you and your threats to leave are pointless. You now need the action to back it up.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 21/01/2023 10:18

Why did you have kids with this waste of space

Maray1967 · 21/01/2023 10:19

Does anyone know what would happen if Op refused unsupervised contact to this disgusting man on the grounds of his drug habit that he can’t even stop long enough to pass an interview drug test? Would he be allowed to have the DC at his mums’s house where weed smoking is going on? Can anyone advise her on this point?

Ladybug85789 · 21/01/2023 10:23

Your right when I was at university I worked in 3 different private nurseries part time. What I didn’t like about them was now I’m a mum I’ve realised they hire very young women 16-18 to pay them low wages. Or women that are 50+ menopausal that don’t seem to like children much. These young women don’t usually know about how much a child toddler can eat, choking risk, bed times etc I feel more mature women need these roles however the pay is so poor that many don’t take the role. The older women that I witnessed in these settings usually were fed up and locking children outside in the cold as they were fed up. Telling the younger staff that they can’t cuddle the children when they fall or give hold them. Babies Locked in there high chairs or bouncers for hours on end whilst the under staffed , underpaid nursery staff change nappies and have other toddlers and babies to attend to. I’m not saying every setting is like this but I think if mums did work in a childcare setting they would have a very different view of what actually goes on in
most nurseries. Not usually the staffs fault but always to many children and understaffed. Also no training is provided to the younger staff if they have a level 2 they can automatically care for children when it is much more than a qualification.

OP posts:
Legrandetraitor · 21/01/2023 10:45

Ladybug85789 · 21/01/2023 10:23

Your right when I was at university I worked in 3 different private nurseries part time. What I didn’t like about them was now I’m a mum I’ve realised they hire very young women 16-18 to pay them low wages. Or women that are 50+ menopausal that don’t seem to like children much. These young women don’t usually know about how much a child toddler can eat, choking risk, bed times etc I feel more mature women need these roles however the pay is so poor that many don’t take the role. The older women that I witnessed in these settings usually were fed up and locking children outside in the cold as they were fed up. Telling the younger staff that they can’t cuddle the children when they fall or give hold them. Babies Locked in there high chairs or bouncers for hours on end whilst the under staffed , underpaid nursery staff change nappies and have other toddlers and babies to attend to. I’m not saying every setting is like this but I think if mums did work in a childcare setting they would have a very different view of what actually goes on in
most nurseries. Not usually the staffs fault but always to many children and understaffed. Also no training is provided to the younger staff if they have a level 2 they can automatically care for children when it is much more than a qualification.

I completely understand what you’re saying. But the risk of them being at home with your husband isn’t really better is it? I’m afraid that I, and most people, would judge you for exposing your children knowingly to such a horrible life and environment with such a man. You’ve given your youngest 2 years / well done. I would find the nursery that seems best to you (is there one attached to your school)? And take full time hours. As I said it’s only 2/3 of the year it’s not all the time due to holidays. How old is the 2 year old exactly? When are they 3?

I wouldn’t be granting a drug addict access to my children either

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 21/01/2023 10:45

I appreciate what you're saying about nurseries but there are plenty of great ones about if you do your research and get recommendations.

You sound really focused so you know you can make it happen 👍

Legrandetraitor · 21/01/2023 10:45

Also I hope you reported the things you have seen in the nurseries.

pinkyredrose · 21/01/2023 11:19

I bet he wouldn't want the kids, waste of space men always say that to stop the woman leaving.

SedatePixie · 21/01/2023 11:20

What are you studying for your Master degree?

Cherrypicks · 21/01/2023 12:25

I agree with the OP about nurseries, while I don’t agree each and everyone is the same there is a large quantity which are this way. My friends children have had these experiences and were unable to go back to the nursery, they decided to wait out until their child started school. I have also witnessed it first hand, so I understood your worries OP.

The way some of you are writing ‘the fact that you’re prepared to continue put your children through this’ OP has been clear that she has been threatened. The first step was coming here for support, it is extremely difficult if you are living in fear for yourself as well as your children. It’s clear that OP has a limited range of options, from what I can see is you’re going to have to get some sort of enforcement involved. As horrible and awful as it is, it’s going to allow you to make space to leave. Women’s aid a previous poster wrote about may be a great option, you will have to get legal authorities involved to stop visitation for the kids to go to his mothers you said? While I can see from your post it isn’t something you want to do. I don’t think you have any other option.

He has decided to take this road, the consequences should be his own. As much as you may not want to hurt his family, or even him because his is the father of your children. (I’m not saying he doesn’t doesn’t deserve to be hurt) But he’s made these choices himself, if he wanted to be a real part of his children’s lives, of your life. He could quit the drugs, get help, return to education and better himself, even with his learning difficulties.

You doing a masters amongst all this, is incredible. See it through, as hard as it is. You’ve got this. In regards to the 2 year old, finding a good nursery may be difficult but do your research and talk to those around your area of their experiences with the nurseries, you have given 2 years out of a nursery setting. It is a year before DC will be able to go to a school setting in reality that isn’t a long time.

Ladybug85789 · 21/01/2023 16:02

upadate he came in at 7am he gambled £500

OP posts:
NowDoYouBelieveMe · 21/01/2023 16:15

Ladybug85789 · 21/01/2023 16:02

upadate he came in at 7am he gambled £500

Sorry he's putting you all through this. Must be horrible.

Can you cut off his access to your savings? That's one way to limit the damage he can do, while you think about what to do next.

If you're afraid he'll get violent if you do that, then I w think you need to call women's aid asap and let them help you work out how get rid of him completely.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 21/01/2023 16:20

Oh @Ladybug85789 that's awful. What he/you say?

Duchess379 · 21/01/2023 16:26

Ladybug, he's not going to take the kids, that will involve him giving a shit & having to look after them, which he hasn't done thus far. He's now gambled £500 of your money, life isn't going to get any better. You have to act now before he fucks up your credit rating as well. And DO NOT give up the studying - you will need that in the long term to provide for your kids, because that thick degenerate isn't going to step up to the plate & do his bit. 💕

Yabado · 21/01/2023 16:46

How can someone who is clearly well educated end up with such a scumbag and stay with him as well

just why

Dontevenstart · 21/01/2023 19:01

Get rid. Be happier almost instantly.

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