To think MIL's comments are tone deaf

[teomama]

I'm back to work after a year at home with my twin daughters. Although I'm quite sad to be back, my MIL said that's really the best for me, as it would help me maintain my independence. Although I do agree, I feel that's a bit tone deaf, as the said MIL never worked and is currently paying DH's sister bills and monthly expenses so she doesn't need to go to work while writing a novel.

I'm someone that's been working throughout uni and never had more than 2 weeks between jobs. Her teaching me about financial independence just felt horribly misplaced, especially given that she has an entirely different standards for her own daughter. AIBU? Maybe I'm just tense post mat leave.

I think you're being a bit sensitive. She's right isn't she? Just thinking of something to say, it's maybe a little patronising but not worth getting upset over.

She's in the position where no matter what she says it would be challenging as you've made fundamentally different choices - I don't think she's done anything wrong from what you've said

I mean, she's right but I imagine there's context here that adds a slant to what she said?

Perhaps she’s speaking from a position of experience, knowing that not having financial independence can be hard. I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily tone deaf.

@ComtesseDeSpair, she's inherited some money from her parents which always granted her independence. Moreover, her daughter's never had a job either (apart from a part time charity job > 10 years ago). That's what really triggered me.

I’ve encountered a few people who never worked and were supported by partner yet love to lecture others about hard work etc. Maybe she’s like that. But from what you’ve said it might just be saying something not meaning offense. Just stating the obvious for conversation

I would be bit annoyed, but what can you do. Ignore.

Your MIL is correct.
She can't help her inheritance.

Ignore. You can sit and be smug - you actually go out and earn your money through hard graft, rather than her or her daughter who get money by sponging off someone else.

Sounds like she's speaking from experience having never enjoyed that independence. I would take it in good faith.

(Inheriting money may make you independent to a point but it's not self-made, which probably imbues a different feeling.)

I wonder if she is just letting you know she supports your decision but in a clumsy way

You're talking as if she's lecturing you or suggesting you need advice. I'd say that she's just voicing her approval of your choices....I'm assuming you don't have the luxury of an inheritance or financial parental support so it's good to be able to support yourself.
Also it's quite acceptable to advise someone to the opposite to what you've done eg work hard and get a good education.

Maybe she wishes her daughter were more independent, so is approving of your choices.

I would say she was trying to affirm your choices. She might even be aware her daughter lacks independence.

I think she was trying to compliment you? Maybe? It’s a bit clumsy though. At least she’s not judging you for not being a SAHM (even though you don’t have a choice bc you can’t afford to live off one income)…that has been my experience 🥲

Maybe she is just trying to be supportive, show that she understands your choice and supports it despite it being different to her own

I wouldn't take that as a negative or strange comment. I assume you were independent before going on mat leave and she's encouraging you to carry on being so.

To me it sounds like she trying to be supportive. She's showing empathy and letting you know that she understands that it's important for you to go back to work to be financially independent. It doesn't sound like she's trying to teach you anything. I think she's probably very proud of you.

She’s right though. What’s best for you doesn’t mean it’s best for her daughter, who is entitled to her money should she choose to give it, you are not.

I don’t think she’s done anything wrong you are just upset you need to work

You dislike her and resent her for having an inheritance. Shes lucky. She light think you are lucky as you are financially independent. She hasnt said anything bad or wrong.

harsh, I don’t think sponging means what you think it means as no one would call loosing a loved one and receiving an inheritance sponging off them.

sponging off someone means taking advantage off them so you can live off them. You can hardly take advantage of a dead person. They clearly need to be alive

you also don’t know if the daughter is taking advantage or imposing on the Mother or if the mother is happy to support. So not sure what you were aiming for, but used the wrong word.

It sounds as though you are more annoyed that your MIL hasn’t offered you any financial assistance in the same way she has offered it to her daughter. I’m not sure what else she could have said when you told her you were going back to work? I think it’s a positive comment and she probably wishes she’d also maintained her independence after having children.

Is it possible that she doesn’t think that either her or her daughter’s situation is ideal? Taken at face value this is a supportive comment. Unless there’s a huge backstory the comment isn’t nasty!

Poor woman can't win. She literally said she agrees with your choice and thinks it's a good decision and you've still decided to be offended. Imagine how offended you'd be if she hadn't explicitly said she thinks you're doing the right thing! Honestly OP, what on earth could she have actually said to not upset you?!