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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL's comments are tone deaf

54 replies

teomama · 20/01/2023 15:17

I'm back to work after a year at home with my twin daughters. Although I'm quite sad to be back, my MIL said that's really the best for me, as it would help me maintain my independence. Although I do agree, I feel that's a bit tone deaf, as the said MIL never worked and is currently paying DH's sister bills and monthly expenses so she doesn't need to go to work while writing a novel.

I'm someone that's been working throughout uni and never had more than 2 weeks between jobs. Her teaching me about financial independence just felt horribly misplaced, especially given that she has an entirely different standards for her own daughter. AIBU? Maybe I'm just tense post mat leave.

OP posts:
Colderthanever · 20/01/2023 15:59

teomama · 20/01/2023 15:23

@ComtesseDeSpair, she's inherited some money from her parents which always granted her independence. Moreover, her daughter's never had a job either (apart from a part time charity job > 10 years ago). That's what really triggered me.

are you jealous. Do you not want to work either and want someone to give you money ?

EmmaDilemma5 · 20/01/2023 16:01

She is absolutely right.

And I say that as someone who took a few years off with my kids. I hated it. Don't get me wrong, I was grateful we could afford it (my salary wasn't enough to pay 2x childcare) but I wasn't happy being at home permanently.

I'm much happier since returning to work. And I now know I'm on my way to being financially independent.

Did you know twin parents are more likely to divorce? I fully understand why from my own experience.

So yes, it's important to work, even if it's part time. In my opinion.

Motelschmotel · 20/01/2023 16:01

I think you’re being a bit sensitive, but I can see why.

I read it as your MIL being very aware that you are making a wise choice, and supporting that choice, given she knows that you may not have an inheritance to rely on like she did, and that she wouldn’t want you ending up like her DD….. especially not when you have 2 of her grandchildren to support.

Id take it as her being proud of you, if anything. I’d bet she wishes she could have “done it all” like you are doing it all.

But I get why you might feel the way you do.

Bellalalala · 20/01/2023 16:03

She pointed out the positives of your situation.

It sounds more like you are envious of her not working and her daughter not working. Or frustrated, maybe, that your husband doesn’t earn enough for you to stay at home.

I would spend sometime why you are so upset at this you are describing it as ‘triggered’.

Jengnr · 20/01/2023 16:04

She might not just mean financial independence. And if you’re someone who has always worked she probably thinks you would value that and is being supportive?

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 20/01/2023 16:06

Sounds like she respects you - I don't get the issue?
Theres more than financial independence going out to work - social life, friends, development, mental health benefits, and of course financial.

FarFromObvious · 20/01/2023 16:11

I think it’s great to have a mil who supports women working!

I think your reaction is due to resentment at leaving your babies. It will get better.

qwertykeyboards · 20/01/2023 16:24

Are you jealous of your SIL?

Original poster
teomama · 20/01/2023 16:37

I’m not jealous of her - wouldn’t wish to be in her life situation. Just felt like being lectured on financial independence by someone who doesn’t walk the talk.

But I’m probably overreacting! Thanks for your prospectives!

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 20/01/2023 16:43

Much depends on how she said it . Do you know how she feels about her daughter’s situation? If you really feel that she is tone deaf, rather than quite concerned at her daughter’s situation and pleased that you’re not doing the same, then I would have asked why your SIL doesn’t work, or said something like, ‘Yes, I agree - I wish SIL could find something as well ‘ or similar.
Or do you think she’d be offended?

Maray1967 · 20/01/2023 16:45

Plus I’d also ask DH why his mother made that comment seeing as she’s supporting his sister. What does he think?

Eastereggsboxedupready · 20/01/2023 16:46

Maybe she actually has more respect for you and your dps than you thought...
After all you are (raised) an independent woman juggling twins and a job.
Neither her nor sil did that.

Cheesetoastiesz · 20/01/2023 16:56

You’re being incredibly sensitive, she is right

laughingtick · 20/01/2023 16:59

Your mil might be saying "don't be like my daughter". I think your mil is correct though.

MiddleParking · 20/01/2023 17:05

I’d cringe a bit for her giving career/financial advice, but to be fair it sounds like she was trying to be kind and supportive.

SallyWD · 20/01/2023 17:07

I think she's just trying to be encouraging because she can sense you're sad to be back at work.

MushMonster · 20/01/2023 17:09

I am not getting why you are upset.
She is not teaching you anything.
You have decided to go back to work and she is supporting you in the decission, she only has pointed out to you one of the main benefits of returning to work when you are going through a bit of a wobble.
I do not think she is the problem.
Is it that deep inside you want to remain at home with your little one?
I know I did, but it was not an option to me.

Colderthanever · 20/01/2023 17:11

teomama · 20/01/2023 16:37

I’m not jealous of her - wouldn’t wish to be in her life situation. Just felt like being lectured on financial independence by someone who doesn’t walk the talk.

But I’m probably overreacting! Thanks for your prospectives!

There is nothing about that comment that was a lecture.

if not jealous then of not having to work, do you just not like her?

shard5 · 20/01/2023 17:12

Maybe it's a reflection of how she feels, plus it can't be easy supporting her dd so I think in a way she's voicing her own personal feelings to you.
I know she could always refuse to help her dd but maybe it come to be expected from her and she feels stuck in that regard too

BogRollBOGOF · 20/01/2023 17:13

It sounds like she's trying to be supportive.

Crabwoman · 20/01/2023 17:15

I would take from that, that she understands why financial independent is important for young women. And that she may be a little exasperated with her own daughter. I wouldn't have taken it badly at all, unless there is some massive backstory.

Whatnextarghhhhhh · 20/01/2023 17:19

my MIL said that's really the best for me, as it would help me maintain my independence. Although I do agree

You said yourself you agree so not really sure what the problem is.

Bellalalala · 20/01/2023 17:28

teomama · 20/01/2023 16:37

I’m not jealous of her - wouldn’t wish to be in her life situation. Just felt like being lectured on financial independence by someone who doesn’t walk the talk.

But I’m probably overreacting! Thanks for your prospectives!

Where was the lecture?

and besides, you don’t have to have done something to think it’s the better way. Often you know it’s the better way as you did (and lived) the opposite.

Odile13 · 20/01/2023 17:34

Do you think she’s just trying to say something positive? I mean, what she said wasn’t rude. I suspect most people have worked since uni (or a few years before) and not had big gaps between jobs. I don’t see your situation as unusual in that respect.

MRex · 20/01/2023 17:35

It sounds to me like she's trying to be supportive of your decision by raising the positives, so that you don't think she believes "her way" was the right one. It's really tough leaving the little ones to go back to work, even when you feel you and they are ready, so I get it that you feel sad. From what you've written that isn't her fault though, and she's trying to be nice.