To not want to be hugged/kissed by partner after baby climbing all over me all day

[BeckyBoo16]

DS is 7 months old and very active, crawling everywhere and constantly trying to climb up me during the day when we’re playing etc. I happily let him, I don’t have a problem with it but it is tiring. As is being with him all day while DH is at work. DS is also teething so he’s extra clingy at the moment.

DH comes home from work and I’m usually starting bedtime routine. After bedtime I cook, wash up, wash and sterilise bottles, tidy the living room, kitchen etc. Then we eat and usually DH wants a hug or a cuddle or a kiss etc which is fine but if I push away etc he just moans that I never show any affection etc. I don’t think he understands that I’m just exhausted and after having DS all over me all day I just want to be left alone for a few hours in the evening.

Am I being unreasonable about this? Or do other mums know what I’m talking about?

Is he saying no for revenge? That would make him even more selfish.

"Need a poo" would be one and done for me. I've never had a partner detail
his toilet habits, nor will I ever.

How utterly unattractive.

🤣🤣🤣 Jesus this made me laugh.
My DH announces the build up to his toileting, followed by then telling me all about it when he's done.

Not to derail. Being touched out is absolutely a thing. My DH wasn't huffy at all about it to be honest, but I have noticed a significant increase in his understanding AND contribution to household stuff in the evening, by leaving him with DD whilst I've been on KIT days. Funny how a little glimpse into the life of sometimes puts things into perspective!

It's ok for you to set a boundary that you need some solitary time after the baby goes to bed so that you can have time to mentally transition between the baby's needy touch and your husband's romantic touch. Unless your husband wants your mind to subconsciously associate his body with a needy infant. He just needs to show a little restraint. I suppose the question is whether he'll find himself able to do that, or if he really is so needy that having to go without physical affirmation for an hour or two after work is too much for him.

YANBU X

Yadnbu!! First few replies are ridiculous!! Yes you are a person too, and can absolutely decide when you get touched!!

After bedtime I cook, wash up, wash and sterilise bottles, tidy the living room, kitchen etc
Even without being touched out, I’d struggle to find the affection for a DH as lazy as yours – this is stuff he should be doing, 40-minute poo or not, while you’re doing bedtime. You could have some alone, not-being-touched-or-talked-to time while he’s doing it.

DH comes home from work and I’m usually starting bedtime routine. After bedtime I cook, wash up, wash and sterilise bottles, tidy the living room, kitchen etc.

DH should be sharing all of those.
By the time he gets home, you've done a full day's work too.

Yanbu. And your husband is being an arse.

You’re on the fast track to no marriage if you carry on like this.

Why has this comment made me laugh so much 😂 even more so in the context of the later info that the guy is taking a 40 minute shit while OP gets everything done. Wonder if the big bad No Marriage monster will be after him for that.

So glad there are other supportive messages
On this thread. The non supportive ones are either male posters or women who had easy babies and very, very supportive husbands.

My ex was little help when we had our baby. It was all about him and that made me even less
Likely to want to hug and kiss him! When you are sleep deprived and mentally exhausted, the last thing you want is to be groped on the arse whilst cooking, or to made to feel guilty for not kissing them. A few month after the birth my ex complained we weren't having sex. Considering my body was still healing and I cried every time I went to the loo, I told him I wasn't ready. His response was 'you should have healed by now.' I will never forget this, and his lack of compassion to what I was going through. It lead to our breakup.

If the OP's husband is acting like a man child let him! We don't live in some handmaid's tale world where men rule! Sending support your way OP! Do not let the negative posts on here make you feel shitter! There are always those mumsnetters who's hobby it is to make some posters feel even worse about their situation! Never understand that xxx

Use his 'I need a poo' time to sit down and enjoy a break from being touched (and in a year, talked/screamed at!). When he emerges, you can greet him with a cheery "Ah great, you're done! Now we can get on with the remaining chores. Do you want to do the dishes or laundry?".

To add to the consensus, it is definitely A Thing. My DCs are 6 and 8yo, and I still get this sometimes with touch especially during the holidays. More often now (almost every day) it is a mental tiredness from having small people constantly talking to/at me or asking questions. Even on school days, when I don't see them from 9-3.30, my brain hurts and is swimming by the time they get into bed. It's just so intense, as DCs are both extremely chatty. Luckily DH knows to give me space to decompress and rebalance myself.

I’m very familiar with being “touched out” and although DH understands it in theory he doesn’t really get what it’s like. Although after explaining it to him he does now get that when I say I just need a bit of time after kids bedtime it’s not personal against him.

You are touched out. And probably exhausted and a bit bored.

So you get to do all the chores everyday. And wow your OH gets everything done for him including bedtime routine, cooking, tidying - blimey you’re turning into his mother.

Play this forward OP - if he continues to expect you to carry the household and child rearing where will you be in all this?

It’s not ok that he is doing nothing. Literally stop cooking for him. When he’s having a ‘poo’ go and lie on the bed. Ask him what’s for dinner tonight. Tell him what needs doing and step back from this ‘role’ that you are stepping into and he’s carving out for you.

He needs to get home and immediately- immediately!!! start tidying cooking and straightening up the house. You do bedtime and then 30 mins rest. Come out and eat the dinner he's made. Then if he wants he can suggest a cuddle. He might say "But I'm really tired after coming straight in, I haven't had a second!!" to which you say YES! awful isn't it!

If he's an intelligent bloke you could just explain this as a thought experiment without having to actually do it.

I can relate to this even down to the 30-40 minute toileting habits of DH - which always seem to be very conveniently timed on his part.

At first he thought I was brushing him off as I wasn’t interested in him anymore but once I talked to him about it properly he was a lot more understanding and generally supportive. My 2 are now 4yr and 18 months and things are now much improved. Once my youngest started nursery and I went back to work and I was no longer being climbed on 24/7 things started to feel much better.

Feeling touched out is definitely a thing, but I also think it's important for parents to still show each other affection, which includes hugs and kisses to me. I don't like the idea that crops up sometimes that it's expected for a romantic relationship to almost disappear because a baby is on the scene.

But, and it's a big but, it's probably easier to feel more open to expressing affection when the DH does his share of domestic load though. I can't imagine wanting to be affectionate and/or intimate with someone who leaves me to do everything after I've been looking after a baby all day.

If he did his fair share of chores in the evening you'd finish sooner and be less tired. You are both working all day so both need to unwind. Maybe suggest you both have A cuppa and a chat for half an our when he comes in then you both get on with evening tasks then both have time to unwind A bit before he approaches you.

Same situation here OP. Between work, study, childcare and housework, I’m busy 90% of the time. My husband is also busy but by the time we’re both sitting down to relax in the evening, it’s 9pm or after and I’m exhausted and ready for bed.

We’re still trying to find a solution but just posting to let you know you’re not being unreasonable.

i’m sure once she’s looked after the baby all day, had no time to herself AND made tea, washed up, tidied up etc she has limited time to turn into Mrs Stepford just to ‘please her man’

what about him being ‘on a fast track to no marriage’ if he isn’t supportive of him doing v little while op lols after their baby all day while doing everything else!

There's a Crazy Ex-girlfriend line about "the long, dry marital plateau called My Kids Are Little Don't Touch Me". It is definitely a thing. MIL told me about how when her kids were small FIL would come home from work and want a cuddle and she'd be all "nice to see you but UGH GET OFF".

It's not just you. But you do have try and talk about it constructively. Good luck.

Hurrah - my time machine works! I'm back in the 1950s!

OP I do remember this, when you have little kids your body isn't your own and I did crave a bit of me back. I get it , you just need to be you for a bit. It's definitely a thing.

Being touched out and feeling as you do is quite normal. However, I think it’s also a big contributor in relationships not lasting when babies come along.

Make sure you talk to him so he understands how you feel and ensure everything that can be is divided evenly - there is no reason why he can’t spend an evening with a teething baby climbing over him.

I don’t think your being unreasonable if he wants more attention then he needs to do more share the cooking /sterilisation etc. Him going to work is not a reason for you to everything i.e all the cooking cleaning you are at home to be a mum to your baby not a housekeeper.