To not want to be hugged/kissed by partner after baby climbing all over me all day

[BeckyBoo16]

DS is 7 months old and very active, crawling everywhere and constantly trying to climb up me during the day when we’re playing etc. I happily let him, I don’t have a problem with it but it is tiring. As is being with him all day while DH is at work. DS is also teething so he’s extra clingy at the moment.

DH comes home from work and I’m usually starting bedtime routine. After bedtime I cook, wash up, wash and sterilise bottles, tidy the living room, kitchen etc. Then we eat and usually DH wants a hug or a cuddle or a kiss etc which is fine but if I push away etc he just moans that I never show any affection etc. I don’t think he understands that I’m just exhausted and after having DS all over me all day I just want to be left alone for a few hours in the evening.

Am I being unreasonable about this? Or do other mums know what I’m talking about?

Poor bloke!

Do you mean you literally push him away? Would you be okay if he did that to you?

You’re a mum but you’re still also a person and so is your husband. You were married before you became parents. You’re on the fast track to no marriage if you carry on like this.

Yep you're touched out. It's definitely a thing.

@BeckyBoo16 totally allowed to feel like that! You're touched out and exhausted. If you explain that to him and he doesn't get it, it's him with the problem not you. If you can maybe make some time just the two of you without the baby.

Why isn't he helping with dinner and the washing up etc?

After bedtime I cook, wash up, wash and sterilise bottles, tidy the living room, kitchen etc.

What is your h doing all this time?!

@AnneLovesGilbert no I don’t physically push him, he gets a hug/kiss but he just always wants to seem to keep doing it through the evening and it’s usually when I’m in the middle of doing something as well. I’ve told him before if he lets me finish what I’m doing I’ll have more time but that’s not good enough apparently.

@Inkpotlover he’ll usually have more work to finish or the old “need a poo” but always takes 30/40 minutes weirdly! So I just get on with the stuff that needs doing while I wait for him.

@scooterbee32 happy someone gets it! I have tried to explain to him that I just need some time to myself for a little bit - I take care of our son all day and then it’s like I have to take care of DH too! I don’t know what I’ll do when I go back to work, be completely burnt out by then I imagine!

This is a real thing OP - don’t let your DH (let alone bloody MNers!) make you feel bad about it.

The psychology of being ‘touched out’

You definitely need to talk to your DH about it - explain what’s going, and balance both your needs.

@AnneLovesGilbert he also does do it to me, if I want to snuggle and watch a film it’s almost always a no. But when I do it to him he has a tantrum about it 🤷🏼‍♀️

You are not being unreasonable. It’s a thing. If he gave you some space to chill on your own for an hour or so would that help?

@ComfortablyDazed thank you for attaching that! I think I’ll send it to DH to read as well. That is definitely what’s happening to me, much appreciated xx

Op, YANBU. You have been touched all day and are just ready for some time to yourself. This means you don't want to be catering to anybody else's needs after catering to baby's all day. The crux of it is you're exhausted by this point of the day. Tell your dh when he is off if he takes baby while you have some time to yourself, you'll be up for intimate time later on!

Oh yes I remember this well! I had 2 little ones hugging, touching me all day I literally use to be so ticklish but I lost that as totally touched out! They're older now and I don't think I'm as ticklish but I do like a good hug now!

OP touched out is deffo a thing so much so that when I had a baby under 1 even the clingy cat wanting a cuddle after the baby had gone to sleep, wound me up 😂😂😂 bless her.

The feeling does fade though as they get bigger and a little bit more independent.

I don't think men get it if they're the ones out the house, it is a thing and sometimes you just don't want to be touched at the very moment you just go to relax (or deal with the huff that ensues).

Actually, your DH sounds selfish. You wouldn’t be the first woman to lie to yourself your just touched out when actually there is a deep lying rage at being treated like a maid and the only parent responsible for grunt work. I think this will get a lot bigger than you just feeling touched out.

in any case I’d karate chop him in the gonads for getting in on my space when I’m tired, emotional and feeling like everyone wants a piece of me (that some have no right to demand).

I saw your thread title and was like YES! THAT'S ME!

We started putting a 30 minute break into the routine for me. That really helped. Just 30 minutes of being alone

"DH comes home from work and I’m usually starting bedtime routine. After bedtime I cook, wash up, wash and sterilise bottles, tidy the living room, kitchen etc."

WTF? So you are parenting his child, doing all the domestic chores, and then what, you have to be his sex slave as well?!

He needs to pulling his weight, whether that's doing bedtime or cooking, washing up and tidying up. Maybe the two of you could take it in turns so one does baby's bedtime and the other does the domestic chores, then next night you swap.

The last thing I'd want to do after all that is get intimate with him, I'd be seething with resentment tbh.

Why do women put up with this shit?!

Being touched out is definitely a thing.

He needs to be pulling his weight in the evenings. Are you returning to work? If so what happens then? He just stays in his routine and you'll end up doing it all.

Plus the more he helps with housework the more you're going to generally find him attractive

Really glad the tone of responses has changed from the first couple.

Yes! If he backs off and you carry along through these years it'll be ok. I went through a full touched out- even , later on, with two toddlers, talked out, phase. Thankfully dh backed off. Their older now and intimacy resumed three fold.

So if he makes a physical sexual move on op she's not allowed to say no or stop him?? Yes, she's a person and she has the right to decide she doesn't want to be touched!!

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I feel you op. He should be helping once he's home.

Make sure you get some you time at the weekend. You're using bottles so he can do everything you do.

You need a proper sit down and chat about the fact you're both feeling rejected when you want affection, and you're working hours after he gets home whilst he poos and sits about.

Just like to say thank you for the last few responses! It’s just nice to know that people have been through it and know what I’m on about and don’t just think I’m shrugging off my husband!

I think I will have a serious chat with him tomorrow about it and hopefully he’ll get where I’m coming from. @AnotherEmma sometimes he doesn’t get home till 7.30ish depending on traffic so bedtimes been and gone by then but if he’s home before he can definitely do a lot more of them.

Again thanks so much for understanding, it was lovely reading all the positive replies 💐