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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you accept this offer if you were me?

71 replies

strugglingwithitall23 · 19/01/2023 09:26

DH has started a new job working away (one week away, one week home), and I'm struggling. We have a non sleeping toddler and I also work myself. DD was sleeping through the night a couple months ago when we made the decision for DH to take this job, and has since entered some kind of horrendous sleep regression - sods law!

The upshot is l - I am really struggling to hold it all together due to the level of sleep deprivation and trying to keep up with my job and home life by myself. I had an emotional breakdown at work this week and my boss told me to take some time as I'm not in the right headspace to do my job. My mental health is also sliding (I've suffered from depression in the past and this is hugely exacerbated by lack of sleep/ rest).

I have no support close by. My only living parent (my DF) lives just over 100 miles away (2 ish hour drive). He's offered to take toddler DD overnight to give me some respite while DH is away. My issue is that my DD hardly knows him and has seen him only around 10 ish times since she was born (she's almost 2 now). This is because I've been the one to have to make the effort to sustain the relationship and travel to him, which financially and logistically we've only been able to manage about once every other month, so she would know him even less if it hadn't been for those efforts on my part. Anyway. That's sort of irrelevant. The point is that she barely knows him really. Also the only times she's stayed overnight at DF's have been with me also there. For this reason I'm worried that she wouldn't settle and I'd be 2 hours away so not exactly close by to collect her if she wasn't settling. My DF is insisting that she would settle and be fine, so I should bring her so I can get some rest.

Also, to add to this, my DD has been waking in the night crying for "Dadda" and also asks for him during the day. She gets upset after FaceTime calls etc. So his absence has clearly unsettled her and I don't want to add to her confusion by sending her to a house that is not very familiar to her without me there.

However, all that said, I am also desperate for some rest and support, as the lack of sleep is now affecting my job and my mental health.

WWYD? I'm so torn about what to do for the best.

OP posts:
user1471517900 · 19/01/2023 09:29

Could you stay at a nearby hotel? Then if needed you can get round easily. Also saves you a couple of long drives.

Elemenohpe · 19/01/2023 09:33

Yes I'd accept,good chance for them to develop a closer relationship.

Original poster
strugglingwithitall23 · 19/01/2023 09:33

I could I suppose, but then I'd not be able to sort anything out at home or go to work etc. I'd fall further behind with things. It's also the cost of the hotel to factor in.

OP posts:
Ofbollocks · 19/01/2023 09:36

Sounds like you need this. If the only thing putting you off is that they don't have a close relationship, then that will be solved by the sleepovers too.

Mnusernc · 19/01/2023 09:39

I would start going to bed at 7pm to get ahead of the broken sleep. I don't think you'll sleep better as you'll worry if she's away, plus she'll come back grumpy and tired. Maybe get a babysitter at the weekend in the day so you can nap? Also a cleaner if you can.

HP87 · 19/01/2023 09:40

Yes I would accept as long as your dad says he will 100% manage anything that happens (bar an emergency of course) but if he says he will manage with her asking for mummy/daddy etc then go for it.
I'd also think about the face time with daddy, my husband has often been away for a few days (OK not as long as a week) but they kids say bye and then just see him when he's back, they don't really think about him when he's not here, which stops them getting upset that he's not here (age 7 and 2)

flabbygoldfish · 19/01/2023 09:40

Could DF not stay with you for a couple of nights to begin with at least so it is just one change?

Lovemylittlebear · 19/01/2023 09:42

Sorry if this isn’t helpful but just some ideas as I think I would be looking to try and outsource as much stress as possible to get through the rough patch:

could a cleaner take care of house work etc so you don’t have to think about that for a couple of months.

Can DD nursery/ childcare setting do all the meals for now so you just pick up and either bath story and bed or play story and bed etc.

if she stays in childcare an extra hour would that give you time for counselling or to do something nice for yourself to help you well being.

can you buy in healthy ready frozen meals for you like all plants. You then only have to bung in the oven.

decent coffee to help you through the rough patches.

I have 4 DCs and very very limited support but husband is around and takes half the hard nights so it is manageable as we tag team it. At the moment there isn’t much spare money to outsource help but I’ve found the money for a fortnightly clean again as it’s making a huge difference to my mental health.

be kind to yourself as it’s not easy parenting by yourself a lot of the time and also working x

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/01/2023 09:43

Could your dad come and stay with you to do the Night Shift for a couple of nights rather than your Dd going to him? Then your Dd wouldn’t be uprooted.

MolesOnPoles · 19/01/2023 09:43

I’d do it. She’ll be fine - possibly upset, but fine.

On the other hand you don’t sound fine, and you need some help to sort that x

2chocolateoranges · 19/01/2023 09:44

No I wouldn’t accept the offer, she barely knows him. I wouldn’t be able to settle knowing she may be upset and cry for her mum.

your dh needs to step up, time to look for a job where he is at home every night.

CatOnTheChair · 19/01/2023 09:46

I would outsource stuff locally, or get your father to come to you.
I wouldn't do 8 hours of driving (2 there, 2 back, 2 to collect, 2 back) for a good night's sleep - and I had a none sleeping toddler and DH working away.

Is DH working the week he is at home? He needs to do most stuff then, and leave you with a very light week when he is away.
Personally, I'd stop the FaceTime calls. It was more hassle than it was worth.

mindutopia · 19/01/2023 09:51

I think I would actually look to see what your dh can do to support you. I can't imagine that 4 hours driving just to drop a toddler off for the night would improve your exhaustion rather than worsen it. Can your dh take some leave from work for the short term or request to wfh for, say, a month? Could you look to hire a night nanny for a few days a week for the next month or so? Given the cost of fuel it would take to drive to your dad's plus a hotel (if you took that option), you could probably just have someone in overnight for say 2 nights a week.

abigailsnan · 19/01/2023 09:51

I'd ask your dad to come to you if it is possible for a couple of months until little one gets to know him better then arrange stay overs after that its worth a thought.

Soapnotshowergel · 19/01/2023 09:51

Could he come to stay with you at least to start with? That might be easier to get them both used to it but chances are she'll stop again as soon as you put something in place because that's what they do. I'd definitely take some time off and try to rest, your manager sounds supportive.

Agree with PP, stop the facetime. My DH works away regularly and it's out of sight out of mind for us (I've got a 5yo and a 2yo). It's not worth the upset.

Original poster
strugglingwithitall23 · 19/01/2023 09:53

Thanks for all the replies.

Just to answer a few questions:

  • my dad can't come to me as he also helps out my sister who lives locally to him with school runs a few times a week (he's retired but he's a "young" retired if that makes sense, early 60s). So him coming to me would mess up my sister's childcare.
  • when DH is home he massively pulls his weight. He takes all the burden of the night wakings and does housework / shopping etc. the minute he steps through the door he takes over. Can't fault him on that. He's also at the end of the phone when he can be, around his long working hours, to offer emotional support etc. I'm not sure what much else he could do at this point.
  • re the FaceTime calls, I guess they're as much for DH as for DD. We thought it might help, but I don't think it is anymore. This is new to all of us - he only started this in 3 weeks ago, The first week he went away (this is the 2nd one), the calls seemed to help and DD wasn't distressed. But this time she's upset and I think it might be because she's seen him last week at home as normal and now he's gone again? 😢
OP posts:
Original poster
strugglingwithitall23 · 19/01/2023 09:56

She's a few months away from turning 2 so she's still really tiny and not able to articulate her feelings. She doesn't have the words to say "where's daddy? I miss him" etc so it makes it even harder as I can't explain it to her. When I picked her up from nursery earlier this week she was repeatedly saying "Dadda?" when we were driving home. I keep saying "dadda's at work sweetheart, you'll see him soon" etc. Then she moves onto something else and is easily distracted. It's just the nights and the FaceTime calls that are harder, when she gets upset asking for him.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 19/01/2023 09:57

Stop the video calls, it only upsets very young children. She won't settle with your Dad, perhaps he's thinking of just leaving her to cry it out. Have you carried on with the calls even though it's upsetting her?

Original poster
strugglingwithitall23 · 19/01/2023 09:58

@Ponoka7

The upsetting calls have only been the last couple of times this week. As I explained, the first week he went away she was fine with them.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 19/01/2023 09:59

X post, your DH will have to make do with videos of her playing etc sent instead. It's selfish to keep upsetting her. I've done childcare for my DD while she's been away and I wouldn't do it if she insisted on calls.

Original poster
strugglingwithitall23 · 19/01/2023 09:59

mindutopia · 19/01/2023 09:51

I think I would actually look to see what your dh can do to support you. I can't imagine that 4 hours driving just to drop a toddler off for the night would improve your exhaustion rather than worsen it. Can your dh take some leave from work for the short term or request to wfh for, say, a month? Could you look to hire a night nanny for a few days a week for the next month or so? Given the cost of fuel it would take to drive to your dad's plus a hotel (if you took that option), you could probably just have someone in overnight for say 2 nights a week.

A night nanny would be amazing and I really wish it was affordable for us! But sadly it's not.

DH can't do his job from home unfortunately.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 19/01/2023 09:59

I don’t know about the staying with dad thing, in that I don’t know either way whether it is a good idea or not. But I honestly think that your husband needs to rethink this job. I think it is putting far too great a burden on you at the moment, and I know I know there are single mothers that manage, but you are not a single mother and don’t need to do this voluntarily.

Diablocircus · 19/01/2023 10:01

In your position I’d probably try co-sleeping with DD just to try and get a full night sleep

Original poster
strugglingwithitall23 · 19/01/2023 10:04

Diablocircus · 19/01/2023 10:01

In your position I’d probably try co-sleeping with DD just to try and get a full night sleep

We do already co sleep. She still wakes multiple times. 😣

OP posts:
diddl · 19/01/2023 10:05

Can your dad look at rearranging with your sister so that he can stay with you for a couple of days?

Does she also work-is that why he does the school run?

Can the kids father do it for a couple of days?