Would you accept this offer if you were me?

[strugglingwithitall23]

DH has started a new job working away (one week away, one week home), and I'm struggling. We have a non sleeping toddler and I also work myself. DD was sleeping through the night a couple months ago when we made the decision for DH to take this job, and has since entered some kind of horrendous sleep regression - sods law!

The upshot is l - I am really struggling to hold it all together due to the level of sleep deprivation and trying to keep up with my job and home life by myself. I had an emotional breakdown at work this week and my boss told me to take some time as I'm not in the right headspace to do my job. My mental health is also sliding (I've suffered from depression in the past and this is hugely exacerbated by lack of sleep/ rest).

I have no support close by. My only living parent (my DF) lives just over 100 miles away (2 ish hour drive). He's offered to take toddler DD overnight to give me some respite while DH is away. My issue is that my DD hardly knows him and has seen him only around 10 ish times since she was born (she's almost 2 now). This is because I've been the one to have to make the effort to sustain the relationship and travel to him, which financially and logistically we've only been able to manage about once every other month, so she would know him even less if it hadn't been for those efforts on my part. Anyway. That's sort of irrelevant. The point is that she barely knows him really. Also the only times she's stayed overnight at DF's have been with me also there. For this reason I'm worried that she wouldn't settle and I'd be 2 hours away so not exactly close by to collect her if she wasn't settling. My DF is insisting that she would settle and be fine, so I should bring her so I can get some rest.

Also, to add to this, my DD has been waking in the night crying for "Dadda" and also asks for him during the day. She gets upset after FaceTime calls etc. So his absence has clearly unsettled her and I don't want to add to her confusion by sending her to a house that is not very familiar to her without me there.

However, all that said, I am also desperate for some rest and support, as the lack of sleep is now affecting my job and my mental health.

WWYD? I'm so torn about what to do for the best.

@diddl

Yes sister works, she's a single mum and no father on the scene. I don't want to mess that arrangement up by asking DF to come to me, it's not fair to her.

Are you sure that the way you are feeling is down to the lack of sleep and not due to underlying issues? You say this is only the 2nd time your DH has been away, so I guess he was there as normal til 3 weeks ago, away for a week, back doing you say an amazing job of taking over the week he was home, then gone away again for just a few days? I’m not dismissing your feelings but to have your mental health and your work be so badly affected after only a week and a bit of lack of sleep and being on your own suggests that more might be going on? I do understand as I had a child who never slept and was a single working parent at the time, I did end up practically psychotic with lack of sleep but it took a few unrelenting months for me to get to that stage.

I'd accept the support, it could be good for your daughter to get to build that relationship with her granddad especially with him being hands on with her cousin. I'd also look at the bigger picture here, can you take some time off work? I notice you said your MH is deteriorating, the one thing you can control at the moment is the pressures of work. Would a few weeks off whilst things got more settled help? This will pass and your daughter will get into her routine but I think you trying to juggle so many plates when you already feel low in mood is even more difficult.

My husband recently took a role that involves him being away for a proportion of the week, it massively unsettled my middle daughter who has ASD but now we're two months in and she's fine with it and back to sleeping through. I hope you manage to get some rest 💐

@strugglingwithitall23 Can you Dad come Friday night after his commitments to your sister and stay till Sunday, you then get time with your DD and your Dad can take her out in the day and you can go back to bed or just relax.

One night of rest isn't going to help really, not if you have a 4 hour round trip and then the worry of if she will settle or not. You're suffering from fatigue and unfortunately 1 nights sleep isn't going to solve that.
When your husband is home, can you sleep in another room so your sleep isn't disturbed and you can properly catch up. Then your toddler co-sleeps with daddy.
When he's away, like a PP poster said - you need to get yourself to bed really early and try and get a few hours in that way. Focus on sleep for now and do the bare minimum of housework. You / DH can worry about that at the weekend.
With toddlers sleep... would going back to white noise or something like that help? Lavender sleep spray on pillow, wind-down time with no tv / iPad....just anything you can think of to promote sleep!
My kids are 4 and 6 now and still like to listen to rain sounds to fall asleep to. I'm sure things will settle - sounds like the change in routine is affecting her sleep. It really doesn't take much at that age does it!

I've been in a similar position in the past with a DP who worked away and a baby, then baby and toddler to manage. I can still remember the sheer exhaustion of those days when you just can't catch up on sleep - and I wasn't working at the time either. So even harder for you.
Oh, and stop the FT calls. Send your DH pics and videos instead x

@Nothinglikethebest

I get what you are saying but it's not as you say "a bit of lack of sleep". I can deal with that. In the past 3 nights I've averaged 3-4 hrs broken per night. I'm actually starting to become disoriented and unsafe, eg I almost crashed my car driving to work as my reactions are so off. I did mention in my OP about my history of depression and at the time the psychiatrist who treated me told me that sleep deprivation was one of the major factors in my mental health decline at the time. I was becoming almost delusional and almost admitted to a psych hospital at that time. I suppose I just react very badly to several nights of awful sleep.

She's never going to get to know him if she never sees him.

I think you should be trying to make things easier at home. You can't be doing that driving every week your partner is away, not while working.
Are you working full time? Could you possibly drop a day, or even a few hours.
My partner is away sporadically at the moment and is about to start 2 weeks on 2 off and we're planning for me being a lone parent on those weeks. I also work full time. So we're going to get a cleaner 2 hours a week (this is about £30 a week), and we're also going to get a meal delivery service 2 nights a week for me and the toddler (about £15 a week). This will take the pressure off a little bit and means we'll have more time in the evenings.
You need to have a good routine in place and from experience I'd say stop waiting for them to come home, it will make you wish away the days and suddenly your living half your life just trying to get to the next week.

Also op, what's your daughters sleep routine like? Perhaps she needs some adjustments?

If she doesn't settle, do you think your dad will put up with a sleepless night or will he call you to come and get her?

Anyway, bigger picture - your husband's job isn't working. He needs to find something else ASAP.

You need to outsource everything else - cleaners, ‘cook’ ready meals … sole attention on your child and your work, at least until you get through this bad sleeping phase.

long term is this how you want your family life to be? could you move to where your husband is working?

You really need to get to bed as early as possible, everything else can wait. It's not safe to drive that far when you're tired. I have been there, 7pm bedtimes are the only thing that helped.

Also, is she needing to drop her nap?

I wouldn’t send her, I don’t think it will make things better as when she comes back she could be more clingy and upset as she would have wondered where you went as well as her dad. To me, sometimes these type of solutions end up making it harder for yourself even though the intention was to make it easier so I probably would not go for it. It’s a lot of upheaval for it possibly not to end up helping.
stop the face times, and you have the time off work to take a few slow days with her - I think that will actually help more for you both to rebalance and reset, rather than sending her

@strugglingwithitall23

(((HUG))

I would thank him for his kind offer & day you might take him up on it later, but for now, DD doesn't need another change to her routine.

in your situation is go to bed early with DD. When she cries for Daddy I'd just keep repeating what you've said 'Daddy is at work, he'll be home in x days'. they understand SO much more than you think & whilst she won't understand '3 days' over time that will have some meaning to her.

just make life as easy as you can for his 'away' week. Get the housework done, batch cook & don't worry about housework while he's away- just keep on top of the dishes 'Do dishes Daily'. It makes a huge difference.

it will probably take another trip or two away for DD to start to trust Daddy will come home!

keep talking to her & look after yourself!

Could you do additional hours on his home week & reduce your hours his away week? Or do 9/10?

does your husband HAVE to do this job? If not, I would not be agreeing to it.

Your fragile mental health and young family are not compatible with a husband who is away for a whole week.

Of course, if he has no choice and is desperate for the job, it’s understandable but if there is wiggle room then he needs to look for a new job ASAP.

Sleepovers with FIL seem like a desperate solution. The long drive the disruption. I wouldn’t. It’s a quick fix that sounds unsustainable and would be upsetting for your baby. I wouldn’t bother.

Sleep train your DD, start it 3 days before your husband returns and then he continues while he’s is home. You’ll have to see it through and it will be tough but it can be done.

Not surprised you are struggling OP.

I wouldn’t drive 8 hours for a night’s sleep, or even two, especially when being left with someone she doesn’t know could actually make her worse when she comes home.

When my DD was that sort of age she had two separations from me that were two weeks each. She stayed with my mum and we agreed that we would only Facetime if DD actually requested to speak to me. I don't think it's beneficial for young children to facetime a parent who's away really.

It sounds as though your DF has plenty of recent experience looking after young children and that your sister is close by. These two things would make me think it's worth doing for your DD to have a few days away.

I'd feel differently if your DF hadn't dealt with children since you were little yourself and if he didn't have a support network but in the circumstances you describe I'd go for it.

Your husband sounds like a reasonable man who understands what you’re dealing with in his absence. Can you explain re. Facetime the drawbacks outweigh the benefits for DD - at the moment, just, it won’t be like this for much longer. It’s a shame and ironic cos if she was less bothered about Dada he could FaceTime her as much as he wants. Could you go in silently when she’s asleep or else send him video clips of her when she’s playing about? She won’t forget him in seven days, especially if she’s asking for him all the time. Also, it won’t be long before she’ll grow out of this stage and realise what it’s all about, they develop really quickly at that age.

In all honestly it sounds like your MH is more of a pressing matter. Could your dad come for a trip to you on one of your solo weekends so you can get a big rest and DD gets a chance to get used to her GF in her own familiar surroundings? Be like ‘it’s soo exciting! Papa is coming to see all your toys and bring you (things she likes to eat).’ Or if not could DH bring her to GF house on one of his at-home weeks and see how DD gets on? That way you won’t have to do all the driving alone and there’s two of you there in case it goes tits-up or she doesn’t settle.

We left DS with his grandparents for a night or two for the first time when he was one and a half. He couldn’t speak much either and they were super-nervous and concerned he’d freak out at bedtime, because it was similar to you in that we saw them about five times a year max. I was fully expecting a phone call the first night but he ended up staying for six days! They had to buy him more clothes! He stopped taking a bottle at bedtime! It was great! Every day I asked him on the phone if he was finished being at GPs he said nononono. They had a dog, and a tractor, and lots of bath toys 😂If DD has got cousins there that would also be a big draw, no? She might love going to see GF and auntie and so on and if so it will enrich her life.

If it works out could your dad meet you somewhere in the middle and hand DD over? One hour there and one hour home each? It’s still not great as you’re exhausted but at least on the first journey it’s just sitting in the car listening to music knowing you’re ultimately going home for a kip and time alone, and on the second you’ll have had the benefit of that.

We found being with family without us to be really good for DD and DS, especially as we were otherwise quite isolated, they got a lot out of it. Remember it’s also for DD’s benefit, she needs her mum to get a rest. All things must pass, OP. X

No I don't think I would but I'd probably put dd in her own bed in her own room during a week when your dh is home, drop the nap and see if that helps her sleep. I'm old though. Nothing wrong with cosleeping as long as it works.

Can you put DD in nursery and you sleep during the day? What happens when your DD wakes at night? If you're cosleeping she would be safe if you just ignore any crying? I think going to your dad's would unsettle her more potentially?

I don't think a night at your dads will help she will likely be distressed and your 100 mile journey could be a lot longer if the roads are bad which would add to your stress . Are there any staff at her nursery that would do babysitting so you could sleep ? My dd works at a nursery and if one of the mums told her what you told us I'm sure she would either go to the house and play with the child downstairs or take them out to the park /soft play so mum could sleep.

@strugglingwithitall23
@Lovemylittlebear
Has given excellent advice. Cleaner yes. Even if it's only for 2 hours a week.
I would add - this too shall pass - it's a transition for her. Maybe do FT call only on the evening before he comes home.
Do your shop online. Get a take away delivered one night. Go to bed with her for the whole of next week to catch up on your sleep.
I think taking her to your dads - however well meaning isn't the answer.
Good luck. I've been there and it's hard.
Try some relaxation exercises when you're lying on bed before you drop off xx

I wouldn't be facetiming him at all. It's not helping anyone. She will get used to it but it hasn't been a long time yet.

I also would use the time when he is there to organise for the week he isn't. So when he's there, get him to help. Washing up to date, house clean and tidy when he leaves. Get your freezer filled so you don't have to cook (at least short term).

Do you get sick pay? I would be considering taking a week off work (at least)where your daughter is in childcare but you are at home. Catch up on your sleep and try to figure out how you can make the whole thing less stressful in the short term.

Going forward hopefully your daughter will get better at sleeping and you should consider going back to the doctor.

In the longer term if it doesn't work then your DH will need to rethink his job.

I do get it, I had awful PND and a husband that worked away most weeks and I worked. You just have to prioritise right now.

Housework is right out, survival means eating as well as you can, sleeping as much as possible and reduce stress as much as you are currently able to.

Sounds like your dad's heart is in the right place but what he's offering is not really going to be much help right now.

This shall pass, I hope you are ok. You sound absolutely frazzled.