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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you accept this offer if you were me?

71 replies

strugglingwithitall23 · 19/01/2023 09:26

DH has started a new job working away (one week away, one week home), and I'm struggling. We have a non sleeping toddler and I also work myself. DD was sleeping through the night a couple months ago when we made the decision for DH to take this job, and has since entered some kind of horrendous sleep regression - sods law!

The upshot is l - I am really struggling to hold it all together due to the level of sleep deprivation and trying to keep up with my job and home life by myself. I had an emotional breakdown at work this week and my boss told me to take some time as I'm not in the right headspace to do my job. My mental health is also sliding (I've suffered from depression in the past and this is hugely exacerbated by lack of sleep/ rest).

I have no support close by. My only living parent (my DF) lives just over 100 miles away (2 ish hour drive). He's offered to take toddler DD overnight to give me some respite while DH is away. My issue is that my DD hardly knows him and has seen him only around 10 ish times since she was born (she's almost 2 now). This is because I've been the one to have to make the effort to sustain the relationship and travel to him, which financially and logistically we've only been able to manage about once every other month, so she would know him even less if it hadn't been for those efforts on my part. Anyway. That's sort of irrelevant. The point is that she barely knows him really. Also the only times she's stayed overnight at DF's have been with me also there. For this reason I'm worried that she wouldn't settle and I'd be 2 hours away so not exactly close by to collect her if she wasn't settling. My DF is insisting that she would settle and be fine, so I should bring her so I can get some rest.

Also, to add to this, my DD has been waking in the night crying for "Dadda" and also asks for him during the day. She gets upset after FaceTime calls etc. So his absence has clearly unsettled her and I don't want to add to her confusion by sending her to a house that is not very familiar to her without me there.

However, all that said, I am also desperate for some rest and support, as the lack of sleep is now affecting my job and my mental health.

WWYD? I'm so torn about what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Englishash · 19/01/2023 11:05

No. Your little one doesn't understand that Daddy's working away. If Mummy dumps on her a Grandad she barely know what's that going to do to her? Do you think you'll get a happy toddler back when you collect her ? Short term gain at long term risk I'd say. Would you sleep for worrying about her when she was away ? I'd think not. If it's that bad put her in bed with you while Daddy's away. But do not send her 100 miles away in order to get a bit of sleep. You'll both regret it.

Fullsomefrenchie · 19/01/2023 11:11

Honestly I’m not sure your husband can continue in the role , you’ve become unsafe and are unable to cope . The odds of your child having perfect sleep are still some years away. I think he needs to find another job urgently

BaconMassive · 19/01/2023 11:13

How was the arrangements envisaged at the point before he took the job?

Bunce1 · 19/01/2023 11:20

Also second a childcare place at a small nursery or childminders. For a couple of mornings a week. Take her in, in joggers. Go home. Back to bed.

Fullsomefrenchie · 19/01/2023 11:24

I think also to factor in how fast this has deteriorated. It’s only Thursday now and you had a break down at work, and unsafe to drive, after maybe three nights?

I think you both need to prioritise you and your daughters safety . Your husband needs to resign and find another job asap, any job, and he needs to call in sick and come home now.

OldandTired66 · 19/01/2023 11:29

Could you take some annual leave or sick days, take child to daycare then go home and sleep? A half day off every week til she settles could make all the difference.

Greatly · 19/01/2023 11:33

Yes this does sound as though its all gone downhill very fast OP. In the nicest possible way I would speak to your GP.

samqueens · 19/01/2023 11:48

It sounds a bit as though this is a case of putting your oxygen mask on first before you help others… you need at least one night of unbroken sleep DH’s away weeks.

Someone who loves you and whom you presumably trust and love also, has offered their help - take it. If you have a good relationship with your sister let her know the situation and ask if she could keep an eye out, maybe she and her child could have tea there with your DC, so they all get to know each other better and your dad has some help to start with.

Your boss has said to take some time (a day or two?) can you take a couple of days off/annual leave to go and stay with her at your dad’s the first time? Meet up with your sister and her DC. Find all the fun things about your dad and staying at his place together. Make sure there are couple of fun toys/a tv show there that you do NOT have at your house.

I’d strongly suggest that you do avoid the video calls when your DH is away, and that you are scrupulously honest with her about when she’s going to see him. If he’s away for the week don’t say you’ll see him soon, say you’ll see him on Saturday - use it as a way of practicing days of the week etc. Are there photos of him around, could you put one in the bedroom and use the pictures when she wants to see him?

it’s more traumatic for a child to see their primary cater losing the plot than it is to stay somewhere where they are loved and well looked after for one night.

Put your oxygen mask on and lean on the support you do have.

lemonybiscuits · 19/01/2023 11:52

I can really relate to this as my husband works away for weeks at a time, we have no local family support and my daughter (3) is a really poor sleeper.

I realise there is a financial implication for some of these but things that have helped me are:

  • flexible working request to my employer to change my working hours to relieve pressure on my day. For example my daughter is in childcare (5 mins away) for 6 hours a day but I only work 4 or 4.5 hours, so I have time to make lunch, stick a load of washing on, walk the dog and once a week go to the gym.
  • planning my annual leave so that I get some days to myself while my daughter is in childcare
  • scheduling in full weekends when my husband is home to do a night away with a friend, or my husband takes our daughter to MILs house overnight
  • cosleeping, I let my daughter sleep in my bed when she wakes in the night as it means at least I can go back to sleep and she usually sleeps longer
  • ear plugs so I don't hear her snuffling and making noises next to me
  • iPad, often I will get 4 hours broken sleep and then when I'm really knackered at 5am my daughter will wake up for the day. I let her have the iPad and a cup of milk and I can sometimes go back to sleep for an hour.

It's really hard and I have every sympathy for you.

littlemousebigcheese · 19/01/2023 11:58

By the time you've factored in petrol you'd be better off using the money to pay for a few hours of babysitting - we found local childminders who offer babysitting, or call a local nursery and ask. Use the money to 'buy time' and sleep or rest.

Crumpledstilstkin · 19/01/2023 12:28

Always take the help if it's offered.

Speak to your sister and say can she arrange something for a couple of days so he can visit - she may well say that's no problem and an friend can cover for a couple of days.

Ask work if you can adjust your hours short term or go off sick for a couple of days to catch up on sleep. I did compressed hours to give me a day where I could catch up on things.

What can you cut back on? Sometimes you just need to lower standards temporarily so eat healthyish ready meals or clean less.

Can you husband work away longer at a time? Week on week off is dreadful for unsettling the kids but the adjustment period is similar for longer stints.

If it doesn't settle it's ok to just say the job isn't working out and look elsewhere.

comfyshoes2022 · 19/01/2023 12:32

MolesOnPoles · 19/01/2023 09:43

I’d do it. She’ll be fine - possibly upset, but fine.

On the other hand you don’t sound fine, and you need some help to sort that x

Exactly!

Toddlerteaplease · 19/01/2023 12:35

Could your dad come and stay with you for a few days. And he does night duty?

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 19/01/2023 13:18

No. I wouldn't do this. If your dad wants to help he needs to come to you, not send your DD 100 miles away (how would that work? How would she get there and back?)

LanternGhost · 19/01/2023 13:32

No OP, I don't think this is practical given the distance or healthy for your daughter during this transition time. But i understand you're exhausted and at your wits end so looking for a solution! In the short term can you take a few days off and just nap while your daughter is at nursery? With some sleep in you things will be a lot easier to plan.

ChocChipPancake · 19/01/2023 13:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on OP's request.

Kerzehmet · 19/01/2023 13:49

I think the decision over your dad is a red herring.

From what you've said, your manager is supportive. Can you take some time off sick so that work and travel to work is no longer a stressor.

Then DD can continue to go to whatever usual childcare is in place and you get the days at home to rest and get back on top of things.

And your DH sounds fine, you know as soon as comes time he will pick up the reins so you only have to manage solo for a week at a time?

It sounds like this is a transition for all of you - her sudden sleep regression is likely linked to all the changes so may settle again soon. By which time you will have regrouped and everyone will be used to this new routine?

Mythreeknights · 19/01/2023 14:06

I'd also refuse this offer - really nice of your dad, but how relaxed will you be after driving her 2 hours there, 2 hours home and then worrying about whether she's upset or not. I know that would not work for me. There are some great ideas in the chat boxes above - I'd explore some of those, and good luck! You are in a tough spot and I hope you find a way of making it work for all of you (not just your DH) soon.

Youcunnyfunt · 19/01/2023 14:27

That sounds really tough, OP.

With all things considered, could you try any of the following?

Stop facetiming while DH is away until she is older and has got used to the new routine
Ask your dad to visit for a morning or afternoon in those weeks while DH is away so that a) little one gets used to him and b) he can take over for a few hours so you can sort the house / relax / sleep... instead of driving 8 hours for an overnighter. Would that impact your sister less too? If he visits for a few hours, it makes it more worthwhile the 4 hours+ of driving for a roundtrip, and less disruption than taking the child to him and having to pack an overnight bag etc. Does your dad drive?
Take a day off in the weeks DH is away (in the short term), so you can catch up with sleep and manage your time until little one is used to the new routine
Stop co-sleeping, could this be hindering her getting better sleep? Is it possible you are waking her without realising?

Original poster
strugglingwithitall23 · 19/01/2023 15:14

Thanks everyone.

I've decided not to accept DF's offer for now and maybe look into taking some time off work sick. I do worry that the list of things I need to get done at work will just get longer and longer and that won't help my stress levels when I go back. But I'm at a point now where I feel something has to give.

I've had quite a productive day considering I'm not in a good place mentally. I've made a chicken curry in the slow cooker for our tea and I've taken DD into town to get her feet measured and some new shoes. However my boiler has now broken, so waiting on the landlord sending a plumber as I have no hot water or heating, which is just great when it's 2 degrees and snowing! 🙈 Feels like one thing after another...

Thanks all for the comments and advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
strugglingwithitall23 · 19/01/2023 15:20

I also came across a lovely lady in town who almost made me cry. I was trying to pay for my parking using my debit card and the machine wouldn't read it properly, tried a few times. I was starting to panic as I had no cash in my purse so the only way I could pay was with my card, and it's a multi-storey with a barrier so I'd have been locked in with DD. A lady was waiting behind me and I apologised to her and said it's not reading my card, I'm worried we'll be locked in. She told me not to worry and said she would pay my parking if it didn't work - but thankfully it worked on something like the 6th try! I had tears in my eyes as I thanked her and just thought to myself how lovely some people can be. She had no idea how much the kindness of a complete stranger meant to me in that moment. Something small but so very much needed!

OP posts:
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