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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Im leaving him what do I take?

76 replies

Bestlife · 18/01/2023 21:24

Please help!
I'm leaving my partner, i have been planning for weeks. He going away for work next month. What should I be taking.
I have 2 children, 1 is his. I have a place set up staying with a friend.
It cant all be in 1 go, it has to slowly (think ring doorbell, cctv) so school bags, work bag etc.
Im not leaving the country but I need take things that can help us till he leaves (its my home, NO making him go isn't an option till we are gone)
thank you

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2023 21:18

Jellycatspyjamas · 19/01/2023 14:02

You will have a good idea of what you can cope with re moving out/staying in your home. I trust you when you say it’s safest for you to leave and then deal with everything from a place of safety and with the support of your friend.

Can you start moving things out bit by bit.

I’d get all your documents in order first, birth/marriage certificates, passports, financial papers.

Then focus on what your kids need - anything precious to them and anything they need for sleep eg precious cuddle toys and pjs etc.

Then what you need - anything sentimental, clothes, comfort items, things that help settle you and help your well-being.

Change passwords on all email account, bank apps, shopping apps etc. It may be helpful to have a clean, new bank account and email address. The day you leave start an application for universal credit using your clean email and bank account (if you don’t already have a claim in - if you do change your email and bank details on there).

Redirect your mail to your friends house, use the clean email address as contact details so confirmation doesn’t come to the house.

Check your phone, electronic goods, and any apps to ensure there aren’t tracking apps/location services on there. Also consider a new mobile number/phone, transfer all your contacts onto the new phone so you’re not worrying about him phoning and harassing you. You could block but having a number he doesn’t know might be quite liberating.

Let the police know you’re fleeing domestic abuse in case he contact them saying you’re missing.

Let school know you’re separating and fleeing abuse, they can’t refuse to hand kids over if he has parental rights, but if they know the background they can disuade him/contact the police if he does appear.

Its a very scary time but you can do this, wishing you courage and good luck.

^^ This is a good list.

I'd add that if he has access to your passwords, don't change them until just before you leave, or in your case, once he's safely out of the country. Otherwise he'll just demand the new ones or it might make him suspicious that 'something's going on' (which it is) and he'll double down on surveillance or even cancel his trip.

I second the new bank account, especially if your current account is at the same bank his is or is a joint account. Use a different bank. And do this soon if there is a chance he could cancel your ATM card.

I'm not in the UK, so am not sure, but I think I've seen on MN that if there is a mail redirect a letter goes to the 'old' address to advise of the change. I know there's some kind of domestic violence policies in place to avoid this, but I don't know more than that. I'd suggest you contact the post office/Royal Mail and ask them how sending the verification letter can be avoided.

As far as a Ring doorbell, ours does NOT 'go dead' if you turn off the wifi. It uses 'cellular backup' for a period of time. So you need to be sure that turning off your router does indeed fully disable the Ring video capability. Ours is battery, so if we wanted to 'go stealth' we'd remove the battery. But if you can't fully disable the Ring or CCTV, if he's in a different country, wouldn't it take him quite some time to arrange to fly back (if he even could)? Or are you worried about him calling in friends or family?

As far as mobiles & devices, you can take them to a repair shop to be scanned for spyware and tracking software. Or check with the police to see if they'll do it (ours does if you've reported stalking or DV). If you don't get a chance to do this the day he leaves, get a cheap Pay-go phone to use until you do. Then power your devices down and only power up to access them when you are in a safe public location.

When my friend fled her home, it only took us 4 hours to remove half the contents of a 3 bed 2 bath home with NO head start. There were 4 of us and 3 vehicles so if you can rope in people you trust, do so. Also, trash bags are your friend. Don't worry about packing boxes for other than precious or breakable things. Clothes, towels, toys, bedding, pots pans, kitchen goods, and lots else can be put in trash bags and quickly moved. Granted, her new place looked like a refuse collections point, but she got out super fast. Once she was safely out, she took the time to reorganize and pack things away neatly.

You can do this.

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