Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Im leaving him what do I take?

76 replies

Bestlife · 18/01/2023 21:24

Please help!
I'm leaving my partner, i have been planning for weeks. He going away for work next month. What should I be taking.
I have 2 children, 1 is his. I have a place set up staying with a friend.
It cant all be in 1 go, it has to slowly (think ring doorbell, cctv) so school bags, work bag etc.
Im not leaving the country but I need take things that can help us till he leaves (its my home, NO making him go isn't an option till we are gone)
thank you

OP posts:
KateofGhent · 18/01/2023 23:08

OP, this may have been mentioned, but could you disable the ring doorbell, to make your escape easier?

tara66 · 18/01/2023 23:23

It's your house! If you want to move out for a few days - OK - but also move his stuff into storage and changed the locks to your house so he can't get in. Tell him it;s over and he needs to find somewhere else to live and send him details of his storage. Get advice from police and Women's Aid. Get legal advice too regarding whether he has any claim on your property.

Mariposista · 18/01/2023 23:34

medication, passport, bank documentation, any other admin paperwork related to you or the children, school uniforms and some clothes for you and kids, work/personal laptop, phone and charger, toothbrush and wash kit. Any pets. Very little else. Most 'things' can be replaced.

VanGoghsDog · 18/01/2023 23:39

Say "ooh, while you're away I'm going to do a post Christmas declutter" get some bin bags or boxes, stick big notes on them saying things like "charity - kids clothes", "charity - toys" and "check with Sharon if she wants these". Do one for him too so it doesn't look sus.

Then go about filling them and taking them to your car. But obviously fill them with the stuff you want to take.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/01/2023 23:51

Your dc’s prized possessions. Anything you’ve kept and gives you pleasure, could be a lock of baby hair. Electrical/ electronic items if expensive. A favourite game for the kids. Toiletries. Toothbrushes. Please take care of yourselves.

Nat6999 · 19/01/2023 00:00

When he goes away are you moving back in? Get the locks changed so he can't get back in & give him a date & time his belongings will be outside. He has no legal claim against your home, don't give it up.

Nat6999 · 19/01/2023 00:04

Whe you get back in speak to the police & get a tag on your phone number, this means if you ever dial 999 you are a priority.

SandraDeee · 19/01/2023 00:11

Bestlife · 18/01/2023 21:43

these are in process but we need to leave before their served/issued. its

OP, I am a DS in the police. I have previously worked with the IDVA team to go to court for a non-molestation order on a specific date, when we knew the suspect would be out of the way for several hours.

There is no need for you to leave your house, contact your local domestic abuse support team (through your council) and explain the situation, then ask them to assist you in attending court for a non-mol order on the day your partner goes away. Our local courts were serving them via WhatsApp/text message during Covid, check if this is an option.

When granted, you can get the locks changed before it is served and leave his belongings with a mutual friend for him to collect.

Aphrathestorm · 19/01/2023 08:41

Given you are worried about your safety take anything he could use to blackmail you.

Photos, any documents with personal details, anything he could sell use to fake your ID like passports and birth certs.

If he has PRR for your joint DC you have to tell the school/nursery as he could go there, collect them and keep them until you get a court order for access (this could take weeks). It's a worst case scenario but in the most vicious splits this is what can happen.

The police/sw will not return your DC to you without a court order unless there is rock solid evidence of a risk to them eg he has a charge of child abuse against him.

Be very very careful and take advice from women's aid etc.

Bestlife · 19/01/2023 09:32

Thank you all, sorry I can only reply as and when its safe.
I spoke to womens Aid and it was them that suggested I get us safe then deal with him after.
It solely my home and its rented.
Charity shop run is a great idea thank you.
He will be away for a week (another country) so timing is everything.
I am very greatful for all your advice and will reply when I can
Thank you

OP posts:
fuggyatmosphere · 19/01/2023 09:36

underneaththeash · 18/01/2023 21:35

Don’t be daft, if it’s your house and you’re not married, just bag up his possessions and take those to your friend. Then change the locks.

‘Don’t be daft, just…’

Ever been threatened intimidated with a beating, rape, sex pictures taken against your will… for not behaving as the aggressive partner wants you to behave?…

maria1984m · 19/01/2023 09:42

Some great advice given already op I just want to say good luck and I hope it all works out safely and calmly for you
it’s easy for others to ask why you are doing this the way you are and say “just do this” but you know your situation and I hope everything goes well you are very brave xx

Rainbowqueeen · 19/01/2023 09:45

Best wishes OP. Will be thinking of you.

Spare chargers. Photos

Can you wrap valuable or fragile stuff in clothes so he doesn’t see them when you do your “charity shop run”??

Orangesare · 19/01/2023 09:53

Cling film or bubble wrap over the camera lenses. Cling film, a few layers is better as it just makes everything look blurry.
Depending on the type of cctv you will know if it works at night or in a power cut ie has back up batteries. How long are the images stored for ? So if it records without the wifi would he then be able to access the images once the wifi is back on.
You’ll be able to find details/instructions for the cctv on line.

Could you pass items out of window so it’s out of sight of the cctv?

Another option is to pack everything you want inside then have the wifi failure and move everything out in one go and not turn the wifi back on.

whineybing · 19/01/2023 10:04

Please OP be aware of your neighbours. I helped a friend do this a few years ago but it was an on the day thing after her husband had left for work. One of the fucking two faced neighbours phoned him and told him what was happening. Luckily he arrived back after we had gone but I had a very awkward visit from him. I know your husband will be out of the country when you actually leave but please be careful while getting your belongings out of the house before he goes away. I don't want to worry you but just want you to cover all angles.

Good luck OP

Ohhmydays · 19/01/2023 10:35

FontSnob · 18/01/2023 22:49

There are some very naive people suggesting how easy it is to change the locks and get him to leave. Just stop, OP has said it is not an option. You have no idea of what the man is capable of, so trust that she is doing it the best way possible.

100% this. Some men don’t care about court orders, will go where their not meant to, smash windows to gain access to abuse ex partners so would be much safer not staying there full stop so i think op is very wise in her decision

JimWelshTheSecond · 19/01/2023 10:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

billyt · 19/01/2023 11:15

You can disarm your Ring doorbell while you move stuff out, as this turns the motion sensor off.. once you've finished then re-arm it. these actions are not recorded in the events.

RedHelenB · 19/01/2023 13:27

Ohhmydays · 19/01/2023 10:35

100% this. Some men don’t care about court orders, will go where their not meant to, smash windows to gain access to abuse ex partners so would be much safer not staying there full stop so i think op is very wise in her decision

So he goes to her friends and does the same? Much easier to stay in your own property, better for the children and to get a panic alarm and police involvement. Taking stuff out over time allows more chance of being caught

RedHelenB · 19/01/2023 13:29

Ohcrapp · 18/01/2023 22:41

Yep turning off wifi great idea. Could you also pretend you’re doing charity shop run with bags of clothes? Maybe say “ do you have anything to go to the charity shop I can take “ to make more believable?

And he then grabs the bag and says no I'll take it, what then? All this drama and subterfuge, ring a helpline and the police.

Throwncrumbs · 19/01/2023 13:40

Def tureen the Wi-Fi off, if he calls tell him there is a power cut

RandomMess · 19/01/2023 13:54

TBF you could just turn all your electricity off and then it's easy to blame a power cut.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/01/2023 13:57

Ohhmydays · 19/01/2023 10:35

100% this. Some men don’t care about court orders, will go where their not meant to, smash windows to gain access to abuse ex partners so would be much safer not staying there full stop so i think op is very wise in her decision

Absolutely this!

People saying “just do this” on an internet forum don’t always know what they’re talking about.

Jellycatspyjamas · 19/01/2023 14:02

You will have a good idea of what you can cope with re moving out/staying in your home. I trust you when you say it’s safest for you to leave and then deal with everything from a place of safety and with the support of your friend.

Can you start moving things out bit by bit.

I’d get all your documents in order first, birth/marriage certificates, passports, financial papers.

Then focus on what your kids need - anything precious to them and anything they need for sleep eg precious cuddle toys and pjs etc.

Then what you need - anything sentimental, clothes, comfort items, things that help settle you and help your well-being.

Change passwords on all email account, bank apps, shopping apps etc. It may be helpful to have a clean, new bank account and email address. The day you leave start an application for universal credit using your clean email and bank account (if you don’t already have a claim in - if you do change your email and bank details on there).

Redirect your mail to your friends house, use the clean email address as contact details so confirmation doesn’t come to the house.

Check your phone, electronic goods, and any apps to ensure there aren’t tracking apps/location services on there. Also consider a new mobile number/phone, transfer all your contacts onto the new phone so you’re not worrying about him phoning and harassing you. You could block but having a number he doesn’t know might be quite liberating.

Let the police know you’re fleeing domestic abuse in case he contact them saying you’re missing.

Let school know you’re separating and fleeing abuse, they can’t refuse to hand kids over if he has parental rights, but if they know the background they can disuade him/contact the police if he does appear.

Its a very scary time but you can do this, wishing you courage and good luck.

Jellycatspyjamas · 19/01/2023 14:08

So he goes to her friends and does the same? Much easier to stay in your own property, better for the children and to get a panic alarm and police involvement. Taking stuff out over time allows more chance of being caught

Not necessarily better. If the OP goes to a friends house she has support with the practical stuff, someone to call the police for her if need be, a witness to his behaviour, someone to help with the kids. Rather than sitting terrified, at home, alone just waiting for whatever comes next.

Leaving is the most dangerous time for an abused woman, services can only offer so much help. Having somewhere safe and supported to leave to is so important.