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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how we can become less individualistic

80 replies

DeidreData · 18/01/2023 19:26

… as a whole society?

Not a TAT, but looking at increasingly (mardy, goady) tones online plus various threads on here at any given time, how do we make a change to stop thinking “as a wedding guest I can wear whatever the hell I like/as a homeowner I can do whatever I want in my garden/as a customer I can demand whatever I want in a shop/as a parent I can expect whatever I think is right from a school”?

I know that not all of these are exactly like the other, but what are practical things we can do to encourage a sense of us living in a society? That it’s a balance of not being doormats and understanding that we all experience moments of discomfort for the greater good?

Genuinely looking for ideas, because I’m sick of feeling hopeless about it. Thanks IA x

OP posts:
Original poster
DeidreData · 19/01/2023 21:38

Thesonglastslonger · 19/01/2023 16:59

My DC are at primary school and what I see children go through, over and over again, is they build up a secure little community and negotiate thenpecking order and friendships, yet then it gets ripped away and they have to start over. Whether it’s nursery/childminder to preschool, or preschool to junior school, or junior to secondary, or a house move or change of hobby, we rip away their communities, shrug and tell them to start again. Even while they’re at the same school, they get a new teacher once a year and class members frequently come and go.

Then off they go to university: start afresh alone again. Then start a job, change job, over and over again we go into situations alone, not as a stable group with a long supportive history.

Humans are tribal and this constant restarting alone does not suit us. So people turn online to find communities- to gaming, to facebook, to mumsnet. None of it is real.

So many of us turn inward and act selfishly, or lash out.

That’s really interesting, I haven’t thought about that geographical aspect but a few posters have mentioned it and I think you’re right.

It would make a massive difference to the importance you put on family and friend ties and responsibility to community, if you’ve constantly been told “don’t worry, you’ll make new bonds”. I’ve never thought about that side of it, but financial needs and our own aspirations or wishes would have a big effect on dissolving bonds. I’ve seen it in my own family but hadn’t put those things together.

OP posts:
Original poster
DeidreData · 19/01/2023 21:54

trythisforsize · 19/01/2023 20:34

Is it a wealth thing?
The more wealthy and therefore self-sufficient/independent people become the less they seek to gain or offer support.

People with much less/no wealth are more likely to set up community support ventures such as community nurseries, community banks/credit unions, workers unions etc. generally much more altruistic.

Unfortunately this was eroded during the 'every man for himself' ethic of the 80's/90's but is perhaps creeping back since 2008, and definitely in last 5/6 years with homeless charities and food banks stretched to their absolute limits.

Adversity does seem to build community. The only constant community hubs which seem to survive political/economical peaks and troughs appear to be football clubs, pubs and volunteer-led youth organisations.

Someone was talking back up the thread about this idea of adversity forming community, and what a shame something so bad has to happen to bond communities again.

Are we lacking easy, regular access to public shared spaces where we all do things together, like swimming or singing or sport?

Very much agree that material wealth seems to mean you stop sharing help, both giving and taking it in a regular communal way (day to day living, rather than, say, volunteering work once a week).

OP posts:
trythisforsize · 19/01/2023 22:30

There was a programme on a few days ago - 'How to Live to One Hundred' and it sought out communities where people tend to live longer. The main thing these communities had in common was intergenerational social enjoyment - basically everyone getting together, children, families, adults, elders and having a drink and a dance and food - but regularly - like every week.
Our social distancing street party during covid was like this and it was brilliant - everyone relaxed and just having a nice time. Not going wild or anything - just a drink, a chat and a laugh.
The elixir being - feeling part of a community, valued and cared for.
Simple really, yet not many people (in England especially) experience it.

allthegearandnoideaatall · 29/01/2023 23:30

Thesonglastslonger · 19/01/2023 16:59

My DC are at primary school and what I see children go through, over and over again, is they build up a secure little community and negotiate thenpecking order and friendships, yet then it gets ripped away and they have to start over. Whether it’s nursery/childminder to preschool, or preschool to junior school, or junior to secondary, or a house move or change of hobby, we rip away their communities, shrug and tell them to start again. Even while they’re at the same school, they get a new teacher once a year and class members frequently come and go.

Then off they go to university: start afresh alone again. Then start a job, change job, over and over again we go into situations alone, not as a stable group with a long supportive history.

Humans are tribal and this constant restarting alone does not suit us. So people turn online to find communities- to gaming, to facebook, to mumsnet. None of it is real.

So many of us turn inward and act selfishly, or lash out.

I’m very late returning to this thread but I think it is one of best in a while. I totally agree with this too 👆

allthegearandnoideaatall · 29/01/2023 23:34

trythisforsize · 19/01/2023 20:45

I agree that this constant moving around is a surefire way to desintegrate communities. I was moved from North to South at 8 and it was so disruptive to the social security I had built around myself with friends, neighbours, family that I would actually say it took me at least 10 years to get that security back again. I was socially lost and out of my depth in a brand new southern community that was very very different to my northern childhood.

For this reason I've kept my son in the exact same geographical area moving from nursery to infants to primary to secondary with the same social networks. I could have sent him 10 miles away to a slightly better secondary but community is very important to me, and a community is built from all sorts in order for it to work. I want my son to be socially secure, well grounded, well rooted, understanding of others in all their differences and similarities.

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This resonates too. My sibling moved a lot as children and it took 10+ years to feel grounded again. For the same reason I have made
deliberate decisions to maintain the same community, et. for my children. Children need a place they recognise as home.

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