Page 4 | To be revelling in playing my newly acquired 'well I work full time too' card!

broomers · 2023-01-18T19:25:11+00:00

At the end of last year I went back to work full time after having done 3 days a week and 2 stints of may leave over the last year. DH is pretty good round the house but it's more the mental load/mothers load that I'm currently offloading some of onto him! Little things like tonight he said we need to get DS hair cut (which he hates) and thinks we should get a mobile hairdresser to the house, previously statements like this would see me take that on to arrange so I simply said yes let me know when it's booked for, his face looked so confused 😂 it's been happening like that for the last month and obviously I still do my fair share but having help out with cleaning and school drop offs etc and general life admin has been a real eye opener at how much mental capacity it takes. Somewhat lighthearted but guess my AIBU is should I enjoy it as much as do when I get to play the I work full time too now card!

StarsSand · 20/01/2023 12:38

👏 👏👏👏

lieselotte · 20/01/2023 12:45

ComfortablyDazed · 20/01/2023 10:15

Right…….?

This was never something I had to stop, because I never did it in the first place.

I don’t even understand how a random girlfriend (because all wives start out as girlfriends) even takes over this role in the first place……………….?

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I've never understood this either.

And if ILs said "we don't get cards anymore" to me, I'd just say "well speak to your son about that". My DH has always done his own cards.

If ILs tried the "but we're all one family now" card I'd just say not in relation to cards and presents, he is responsible for you and I am responsible for my family.

SophieLaGeroff · 20/01/2023 12:47

ComfortablyDazed · 20/01/2023 10:15

Right…….?

This was never something I had to stop, because I never did it in the first place.

I don’t even understand how a random girlfriend (because all wives start out as girlfriends) even takes over this role in the first place……………….?

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Not very long into our relationship (maybe 9 months or so), MIL said 'it's great that he's got you now, as he's terrible at getting birthday presents and cards sent on time.'

JimHensonWasAGenius · 20/01/2023 12:48

YABU

AdoraBell · 20/01/2023 12:49

YANBU.

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/01/2023 12:52

This is one of the things that drove me over the edge with my ex.

Every conversation we had at all relating to our daughter would begin with him saying: "You need to....". And then a long list of things which needed to be done for/to our daughter.

I worked FT (and still do) and brought it more money than he did by a factor of about three and at no point did it ever cross his mind that he might need to.

ClawedButler · 20/01/2023 12:53

Lol, it was sort of the other way round for me. I was working full time with a long commute, so was out of the house for 12 hours a day, and my DH was doing all the pick-ups, making tea, laundry all that. Then I was made redundant and was HORRIFIED to discover that he was looking forward to me doing some of it! Like we're some kind of team with joint responsibility for our child or something

Soothsayer1 · 20/01/2023 12:57

SophieLaGeroff · 20/01/2023 12:47

Not very long into our relationship (maybe 9 months or so), MIL said 'it's great that he's got you now, as he's terrible at getting birthday presents and cards sent on time.'

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That would be my cue to have nothing whatsoever to do with birthday presents and cards 😁

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 20/01/2023 13:01

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 20/01/2023 10:35

I figured that this would crop up, so here's where I get to use my trump card. About two years after this conversation DP got seriously ill, to the extent that I spent a year and a half doing everything, and I do mean everything. DP was bedbound, needed help to wash, sometimes to go to the toilet etc.

For me, the kids stuff was the easy part. It's so routine, you don't have to think about it. You chuck everything on the calendar, make sure you've got enough cash out for school dinners, karate etc. make sure the ironings done, that she's fed, find something fun to go and do on a Saturday. I spend my working life in a role where I'm basically herding cats, so this was no different.

The bits that were stressful are the unexpected, the boiler breaking, the car breaking down at an inopportune time. That was all the stuff I already did anyway, but that for me was where the mental load was.

I'm not saying that theres not inequality in a lot of relationships, and that in most cases the majority of the mental load falls on the woman. I'm saying that in our case, we were fairly even and just not seeing the work the other person put in.

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Why didn't you explain this in your original post? You call it a trump card, I'd call it at least a drip feed - or else trying to trick posters and get one up on them. Why not just be open from the beginning?

TiddleyWink · 20/01/2023 13:01

SophieLaGeroff · 20/01/2023 12:47

Not very long into our relationship (maybe 9 months or so), MIL said 'it's great that he's got you now, as he's terrible at getting birthday presents and cards sent on time.'

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My now SiL said similar to me. I told her that I had absolutely no intention of getting involved with his card and gift giving as I had my own family to do that for, which he was showing no signs of taking over. Fifteen years later I have stuck to that and it would never occur to him to expect me to do it. If a birthday is missed they know who forgot it.

In laws can make any assumptions they want but it isn’t hard to correct them!

bonzaitree · 20/01/2023 13:04

Reading these comments is giving me the rage! 🤣

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 20/01/2023 13:06

We're talking back in the mists of time here when Compare the market wasn't a thing, but no, sorting the broadband out isn't particularly onerous. But then I never found dealing with the kids stuff hard either. Admittedly we only had the one, I can see the logistics being exponentially worse the more you have. I just find the routine, it's Monday so this this and this need to happen far less hassle than planning Disney World or researching a new boiler or trying to work out if the garage is shafting me.

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/01/2023 13:07

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/01/2023 10:30

Bit confused by this, tbh. If you love and like each other, why don’t you just sit down and talk about division going forward, instead of playing games. Living likes it’s a competition must be tiring and not great for your relationship in the end.

As if it were that simple... it needs to be hammered home at nauseam and using shock tactics sometimes.

The thing is most men, from the ones who are incapable of wiping their own arses to the very "progressive" ones who make a big song and dance about their cleaning credentials think at some level that domestic planning and mental load is a woman's job.

It's so totally hard-wired in most men that this is a domain for the woman to lead on.

My ex was a total caveman and thought everything other than earning money was my job. My current partner is pretty domesticated and comfortable about fair division of labour but even he says things like "what are we doing about calling the council about rubbish collection?" or "what are we doing about getting the washing machine fixed?" Rather than calling either the council or the washing machine repair man under his own steam without checking with me.

What I find interesting is that a lot of them are now OK in principle with the idea that they need to do cleaning, washing, washing up, ironing, cooking etc but haven't made the jump to the idea that this is actually up to them to project manage it and do it proactively without being asked.

They still think it's up to you to initiate it and apportion tasks.

Soothsayer1 · 20/01/2023 13:23

I recall a conversation with a man that I lived with, he said 'I'll do the washing up for you' I said no don't do it for me just do it, but he found himself unable to just say I'll do the washing up and the best he could come up with was 'I'll do the washing up for us'
I was out earning him by a significant amount

Bronzeisthecolour · 20/01/2023 13:56

For us covid changed everything. Dh was suddenly working from home with 2 dc for part of the week and doing drops/ pick ups the days tgey were in. I was ft in a school (SEND- so never shut) it was a revelation that they needed feeding again! Clean clothes etc. As I had been a Sahm. Now he's still at hone and we do share more evenly.

PearTreePie · 20/01/2023 14:26

Love this post!!!

All of this “emotional labour” shit is in my head. I’ve majorly cut back how much time and effort I put into presents for inlaws!!

My sister has always refused to get involved in presents for her H’s family. She did have to sit through a mortifying Christmas where her H had bought precisely nothing for any of his family. She styled it out with “I don’t know why he didn’t go shopping for you guys this year” 😂

TiddleyWink · 20/01/2023 16:19

PearTreePie · 20/01/2023 14:26

Love this post!!!

All of this “emotional labour” shit is in my head. I’ve majorly cut back how much time and effort I put into presents for inlaws!!

My sister has always refused to get involved in presents for her H’s family. She did have to sit through a mortifying Christmas where her H had bought precisely nothing for any of his family. She styled it out with “I don’t know why he didn’t go shopping for you guys this year” 😂

Why do you do anything at all about your in laws presents? Unless you’re a SAHM with kids in school in which case I think it’s a reasonable expectation from the husband. It’s not really a feminist victory to have ‘cut back effort’!

Out of interest, was your sister’s husband mortified? As for styling it out, I’d say she was just being truthful! Making clear that it wasn’t her issue to style out!

SophieLaGeroff · 20/01/2023 16:43

Soothsayer1 · 20/01/2023 12:57

That would be my cue to have nothing whatsoever to do with birthday presents and cards 😁

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It was! DH missed a nephew birthday once and I felt bad for the nephew but he then set up a system to remember.

Ruffpuff · 20/01/2023 16:56

Power to you. I don’t know how to achieve the same outcome. I now work 40hrs a week (more than dp) and he still comes in and asks me “what’s for dinner” thanks to 4 years of being spoilt while I was either a SAHM or part-time. I’m really sick of it and it’s causing massive issues in our relationship. I’m not a wet sponge of a person, I know this is unjust and I tell him. However, if I don’t order the shopping/do dinner/cleaning/think about school stuff etc. he will literally not do it. I asked him to make ds’s packed lunch once as I had revision to do for work, he refused saying I should do the lunches as he takes ds to breakfast club in the morning. I refused, told him to get a grip (I do absolutely everything else). When he came down in the morning and it wasn’t done he told me I was “neglecting my motherly duties”. I’m still livid.

Whenever I complain he says, “welcome to working life baby” in a stupid sarcastic voice- I worked 24 hrs a week for 2.5 years before this FT job, not that it seemed to be recognised as me working. It’s not the point, but we both have to work FT now as neither of us have great earnings. Honestly, I’m so sick of it.

Motelschmotel · 20/01/2023 16:57

I’m a Sahm, and DH works long hours. We consider it fair that I do 90% of life work, while he does 10%. I have a very easy life thanks to his efforts, and vice versa for him.

HOWEVER, his face was an absolute picture when I pointed out that come retirement (he’s aiming for in around 12 years) all the home/life stuff would have to be split 50-50. I actually had to say out loud “do you seriously expect me to be doing your laundry and shopping and cooking when you’re sitting around doing nothing, until the day one of us dies?”

knobheadinlaws · 20/01/2023 17:00

I've started doing this a lot. It's rather good fun :)

DH takes it on the chin and gets on with it once he realises I'm not joking and credit to him, it's been really nice being able to pass stuff onto him.

I'm still waiting for the day he starts doing these things without me having to tell him it's a task for him but I continue to live in hope

bonzaitree · 20/01/2023 18:31

Ruffpuff · 20/01/2023 16:56

Power to you. I don’t know how to achieve the same outcome. I now work 40hrs a week (more than dp) and he still comes in and asks me “what’s for dinner” thanks to 4 years of being spoilt while I was either a SAHM or part-time. I’m really sick of it and it’s causing massive issues in our relationship. I’m not a wet sponge of a person, I know this is unjust and I tell him. However, if I don’t order the shopping/do dinner/cleaning/think about school stuff etc. he will literally not do it. I asked him to make ds’s packed lunch once as I had revision to do for work, he refused saying I should do the lunches as he takes ds to breakfast club in the morning. I refused, told him to get a grip (I do absolutely everything else). When he came down in the morning and it wasn’t done he told me I was “neglecting my motherly duties”. I’m still livid.

Whenever I complain he says, “welcome to working life baby” in a stupid sarcastic voice- I worked 24 hrs a week for 2.5 years before this FT job, not that it seemed to be recognised as me working. It’s not the point, but we both have to work FT now as neither of us have great earnings. Honestly, I’m so sick of it.

Dryer than the Sahara desert just reading that.

Soothsayer1 · 20/01/2023 19:30

I don’t know how to achieve the same outcome
surely long term you need a 'ducks in a row' type plan to rid yourself of him (and his 'stupid sarcastic voice'😒) ?

Forgooodnesssakenow · 20/01/2023 19:59

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 20/01/2023 09:34

Me and DP had this conversation a good few years ago, however it went a bit differently for her.

We've always been fairly even with most housework, do around the same amount even if some jobs were hers and some mine, so shes the only one who dusts, and I'm the one who cooks etc.

But I'll admit that most of the stuff to do with school, kids activities, kids haircuts, clothes etc. fell to her, as a holdover from when she didn't work.

We had a conversation about it, and I agreed to do more, but said that in return she needed to be more involved in things like DIY, sorting the MOT, insurance renewals, changing broadband deals, researching holidays etc.

We agreed what we thought was fair, she lasted a month before she was begging to go back to the previous arrangement.

Sometimes the mental load really is all on one person and needs rectifying, but sometimes couples take on different areas of it, and don't see what the other half is doing until they have to get involved.

Don't talk shite mate, naw ye didnae

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/01/2023 20:20

Christ, no wonder the divorce rate is so high.

Why don’t many on this thread just talk to their husbands?