To be revelling in playing my newly acquired 'well I work full time too' card!

[broomers]

At the end of last year I went back to work full time after having done 3 days a week and 2 stints of may leave over the last year.
DH is pretty good round the house but it's more the mental load/mothers load that I'm currently offloading some of onto him!
Little things like tonight he said we need to get DS hair cut (which he hates) and thinks we should get a mobile hairdresser to the house, previously statements like this would see me take that on to arrange so I simply said yes let me know when it's booked for, his face looked so confused 😂 it's been happening like that for the last month and obviously I still do my fair share but having help out with cleaning and school drop offs etc and general life admin has been a real eye opener at how much mental capacity it takes.
Somewhat lighthearted but guess my AIBU is should I enjoy it as much as do when I get to play the I work full time too now card!

I've been trying to let my husband know about all of this stuff. I've been part time since 2017 working 2.5 days a week, in the next year I am going to start an extra professional qualification and likely have my work hours increase - I am looking forward to this but also dreading the increased juggle. I keep saying to him it will be more chaotic and mean more for him too but he's not really taking it in, thinks it will all just be grand. I'm also wondering where I am going to find a special pot of extra energy I shall require. haha.

@ComfortablyDazed @Waspsnbees because the ILs start making comments like "oh we didn't get a Christmas card from you this year" to the girlfriend. Message loud and clear - "now you are a couple you send the cards" kind of thing.

Gifts are a bit stickier, the first year I got a gift and card from my MIL for Christmas I of course reciprocated, but somehow that became the gift from both me and DH to MIL and yet I was organising it, and also my own family on top.

I downed tools the following year and explicitly said that all cards and gifts to his side need to be bought and organised by him and I would sort out my own family.

All the best op

Bit confused by this, tbh. If you love and like each other, why don’t you just sit down and talk about division going forward, instead of playing games. Living likes it’s a competition must be tiring and not great for your relationship in the end.

Great to read, OP!

Came as a horrible shock to (now ex)h that he had to contact the mechanic to book his own MOT and service, and I seem to remember a lot of him messaging me while I was at work for the mechanic's contact details, name, working hours etc etc, none of which I could answer as I was working in a school and all mobile phones had to be kept off and in your bag. Twat.

I'm divorced now and do everything, obviously. My life hasn't changed a bit (apart from twatty ex not being around). Exh complains to adult DC about 'all the jobs' he has to do.

I figured that this would crop up, so here's where I get to use my trump card. About two years after this conversation DP got seriously ill, to the extent that I spent a year and a half doing everything, and I do mean everything. DP was bedbound, needed help to wash, sometimes to go to the toilet etc.

For me, the kids stuff was the easy part. It's so routine, you don't have to think about it. You chuck everything on the calendar, make sure you've got enough cash out for school dinners, karate etc. make sure the ironings done, that she's fed, find something fun to go and do on a Saturday. I spend my working life in a role where I'm basically herding cats, so this was no different.

The bits that were stressful are the unexpected, the boiler breaking, the car breaking down at an inopportune time. That was all the stuff I already did anyway, but that for me was where the mental load was.

I'm not saying that theres not inequality in a lot of relationships, and that in most cases the majority of the mental load falls on the woman. I'm saying that in our case, we were fairly even and just not seeing the work the other person put in.

Write a list of everything as you do it and show him it in a few weeks time then tell him he will be helping with it.

I'm trying to do this with DH as I went full-time in November after working 3 days for 12 years. The latest was his complaining that we haven't gone out together as a couple in a long time. 'Great' I said. 'Pick a date and organise the restaurant/activity. Once we have a booking I'll sort a babysitter.' (Our regular babysitter is my friend so I don't mind doing this)

He has mentioned this at least 4 times since and every time I say 'I would love to go out. Pick a date and organise the place'. Still no date night in the diary🙄.

This thread is a good kick up my backside to stop doing everything just because it's quicker if I just do it. Next up.... Dinner: It doesn't just magically appear.

Me too!! After 17 years of working around kids 🙌Loving it!

"Spearhead" is awesome. I'm going to use that on my teens.

I wouldn't have the time or patience to play puerile games - I left school a long time ago.

However, we do have a cleaner and a local handyman for DIY/decorating but if something needs doing I just get on and do it and I don't feel the weight of patriarchial oppression nor do I harbour a longing for the 1950's.

Oh this sounds familiar!

my DH is retired and I work away from home 4 days at a time. To start with I kept coming home to piles of paperwork, school forms etc to do when I came home. Taken him a while to realise he’s capable of filling in forms too.

The best bit was when DH questioned that mobile hairdressers tend to be women though, I replied so? And he then shut up. It's funny how his mind works that we women must have some secret language we all use to communicate and organise things with each other! On the flip side we're having an extension done and it's me who took on dealing with multiple quotes and tradesmen.
Other pp's saying it's silly game playing I guess it is but I always remember someone saying to me once those who don't listen need to feel to learn. I think DH learns better this way

Your situation is definitely not typical then, and I imagine with a seriously ill partner to look after, reasonably enough, the other stuff may have seemed less of an issue in comparison.

In most cases, as you acknowledge, where there are two healthy working parents, most of the admin/organising crap falls to the mum (including often the likes of emergency plumbers etc, not just kid stuff). Often it's because her time/job is perceived as less valuable than the man's.

I hope your partner's health has improved now.

This is why I went back to full time. Condensed, but that just means I have less spare time in the evenings than him 😁

Love this. My fav since being going back to work after mat leave

Dh 5mins before leaving on a monday "my work stuff hasn't been washed"
Me looking confused "what? is the washing machine not working?"

I wish I could do this with my exh. I worked part-time when we were together and took on the majority (all) of the housework, shopping, mental load for house/kids.

We divorced and I went full-time (he specifically stated I should be doing this to his solicitor) yet I still do all the mental load for the dc. He takes them 40% of the time but does non of the thinking about parenting any other time.

It's relentless and I never feel I get the 'time off' he gets.

Honestly, I had to have quite a serious chat with my DP about paying in to the bill account and keeping an eye on our finances after a huge argument i had with him. It’s like their life and work only matter at times.

I check this every Friday and have to constantly remind him to transfer his share to the bill/mortgage money (he gets paid weekly, I transfer the full amount of mine on my monthly pay day)

In November, I said to him that I was sick of chasing him for it as it’s more mental load for me, and he needs to take more responsibility for it.

Imagine my ‘I’m about to end our relationship’ FURY when I checked our account on the second week of January to find his last weekly bill contribution was on the first week of DECEMBER besides him being out of the home more throughout December working extra nights to provide for us?! he was behind a full month and of course, can’t possibly catch up and pay this back now.

He won’t be doing it again at risk of how sick I went I can assure that.

Anyway, we received a large inaccurate energy bill last weekend, so I said to him we need to provide a meter reading to them can you do it this morning as I don’t want to get charged more than we owe.

Sure, he said. Then he took the readings and told me them. And then walked off. Started doing other jobs.

An hour later I said have you sorted those readings? He said ‘yes I told you them’.

Cue me exploding on how I ‘wasn’t his secretary’

He eventually took responsibility for them and hopefully a massive lesson learned on taking accountability for our shared duties. Rather than leaving it to me.

I have always worked full time, so I can’t even pull that card out for the first time, occasionally he will drop ‘I know you work too’ so he is aware and I will hint back about this mysterious ‘woman’s mental load…’

I check this every Friday and have to constantly remind him to transfer his share to the bill/mortgage money (he gets paid weekly, I transfer the full amount of mine on my monthly pay day)

Tell him to set up a weekly or fortnightly or monthly standing order. Stand over him if needed. Then at least you’ll never need to have this conversation again.

None of that is hard. I don't understand you and i'm trying to.

Boiler breaks, I look on google and give a plumber a ring. Car breaks down, I call AA or if I can limp it home, google a mechanic with good reviews near me. Insurance, I type my details into go compare... 😂

How is any of that such a triumph over everyday stuff?

Or, just say next time you stop paying towards your family you find somewhere else to stay until you’ve caught up. You’re not sick, you’re not disabled, you just think the boring shit like PAYING OUR BILLS should be my job, presumably because I’m not important and my time doesn’t matter.

@Igotthegoose sounds beyond tedious, would it not benefit you more to live separately to the boyfriend and just date him? Sounds like a lighter, more enjoyable lifestyle than fighting with some bloke who thinks you’re lesser.

Imagine my ‘I’m about to end our relationship’ FURY when I checked our account on the second week of January to find his last weekly bill contribution was on the first week of DECEMBER besides him being out of the home more throughout December working extra nights to provide for us?! he was behind a full month and of course, can’t possibly catch up and pay this back now.

@Igotthegoose despite your fury it sounds like you’ve under reacted to this bit. What’s all the extra money he earned in December being spent on while he’s made zero contribution to the bills? Sounds like you’ve got bigger problems than who does which tasks.

Really? Because the list you gave are mostly annual jobs that don't really take that much time at all (I mean you can crack out sorting the broadband in a lunch break) particularly in comparison to the daily kids stuff.

I find it very odd that she was 'begging' after a month unless every single annual thing needed sorting within that month

Trust me it wasn’t just me going mad at him for it, I was ready for heads to roll and for at leave one of isn’t be walking out of the door. Usually he is quite good apart from being frustratingly forgetful (he has adhd). However situational circumstances in the background with a few other unexpected debts cropping up, Christmas, depression, a change in job etc it came down to a case of him burying his head in the sand and not communicating to me about how much he was struggling.

@ThePear no, we have a family and a mortgage.

@NoSquirrels The direct debit is a great idea I will mention that, thank you!