To think you can want to have kids on a basic level, but not want to *raise* kids?

[bdbd1996]

I'm in my mid-20s. Partner and I initially said we wanted kids, our relationship is moving forward steadily and recently we decided that we most likely won't have kids.

This actually came about quite randomly. I think I want kids on a "that would be cute" level and I always imagined I'd have kids. I didn't think I'd meet a man who wouldn't want kids, I just assumed it would be a passage I'd go down.

However, I have no desire to raise kids. This particular concept was literally the pinnacle of my decision.

Whilst I like the idea of having a child as an abstract concept, I have to be honest with myself that the sacrifices that come with having a child are not things that would make me happy. My desire to retain certain aspects of my lifestyle, the realities of actually raising a child and my personal circumstances outweigh everything.

First, I'm bipolar and I hate feeling trapped. I know I can fluctuate, I move around a lot with my partner, we have no plans to stay settled in one country and I know this kind of lifestyle wouldn't fit in with the average child. On a more everyday level, I am also a very spontaneous person. I don't necessarily think this is because I am bipolar when it comes to an everyday level, but I love last minute things and plans and when I feel trapped or don't have this spontaneity, my mental health suffers. I can't even stand being in jobs that are not flexible or don't give me the ability to manage my own time.

Second, my chosen career is a tough one, and I haven't even qualified yet. I don't want to be too outing, but whilst it comes with good compensation and a high level of prestige, it's incredibly stressful, hard to plan and one of those careers were last minute things always seem to pop up. Some nights I can be there until ten. I know woman can "have it all," however I don't realistically see how I can maintain my dream career to the level I do now whilst also raising children. It would be hellish.

I recharge alone. I'm an extrovert, but I need time alone to refresh. I get frustrated and impatient if I can't be alone for at least part of the day and I know if I had children, I would never have the same level of alone time that I have now. My weekend lie-ins are a large part of my mental health routine- stupid as that sounds- and I use the weekends to recharge from my job. I can't imagine having to get up early Saturday and do various activities such as clubs or sports for children. That would severely impact me mentally and I'm already bipolar, which is hard enough.

Lastly, the cost. Even with a potential well-paying career, childcare is so extortionate. Plus the bigger house. And everything that comes with that. I live in central London right now, which is obviously expensive. If I move, it will be to another large, non-UK city.

Essentially, the idea of raising children and the reality of that is not something I want. Giving up my disposable income, flexibility and free-time is something I know will make me unhappy and is just completely at odds with my personality, my lifestyle, my mental health needs and even how I am happiest. However, despite this, I feel an almost type of milder grief that I won't have children. I suppose I'm being realistic myself and what is best for me, but as much as I feel sad that I've come to this decision and a weird kind of sentiment for the path I've chosen not to go down, I feel a very resolute, final sense of relief.

AIBU to think you can want to have kids, or like the idea of having kids on a more abstract level, without actually wanting to raise children or definitely have kids? Or just want kids but realise the reality doesn't fit in with your lifestyle or the reality isn't something you'd realistically enjoy?

Also, FWIW, my partner and I's original plan was to have kids in our mid-30s. We got onto this conversation as we both kept making comments about how we'd "have to stop X then" and then we had the conversation(s) that lead to this decision.

And further, if anyone wants to know why I'm on Mumsnet, I used to be a nanny and would follow threads here for advice. I love children and I loved the children I cared for, I certainly don't dislike children, I'm just not sure I want them permanently in my life!

*where

I’m glad you thought it through
I think a lot of people like the idea but don’t think through the reality.

All your reasons are completely valid.

If you don't want them then it's fine to not have them.

I do read bits of what you have said and it screams that you are both just not ready yet but could be if you wanted to be one day.

Don't close the door completely but whatever you decide is right

Yes, makes perfect sense. A lot of people aren’t able or willing to override the biology, though.

Plenty of people follow this route, though - you do come across as a tiny bit smug, like you and your boyfriend are the only people to have foreseen that raising children is stressful, tiring and expensive 😂

Sounds fine but you’re in your 20s… not wanting kids in your 20s is normal

I get frustrated and impatient if I can't be alone for at least part of the day and I know if I had children, I would never have the same level of alone time that I have now. My weekend lie-ins are a large part of my mental health routine- stupid as that sounds- and I use the weekends to recharge from my job. I can't imagine having to get up early Saturday and do various activities such as clubs or sports for children. That would severely impact me mentally and I'm already bipolar, which is hard enough

This. I have ADHD, undiagnosed at time of having 2 very much wanted children, and I hadn't realised how much alone time I had factored into my life to recharge. It's definitely a struggle no longer having that time - I'm sure it's one of the main reasons I ended up getting diagnosed, I wasn't coping with having to be "on" all the time.

Just a different view about clubs - I actually find the clubs a bit easier (if I haven't had to being the other child with me) as I can usually get a little bit of brain space.

Good on you for thinking it through and being honest.

I don't have children, either. I was the local go-to babysitter and childminder growing up in a village and I later spent several months as an au pair. I had a a far less romantic idea of what being a mother would be like than many of my peers.

I recognise all your reasons for not wanting to raise children. I hope you find a happy life regardless of your eventual choice and whether it matches your current feeling.

what I will say is that I 100% recognise myself in all of your points, apart from the career and central london parts. My need to be free and introverted-ness has never aligned with employment in any way that’s worked.

What I will say is that you are seemingly not pushing back against the idea of having or raising a child, but the idea of having and raising a child in the way that you might assume is correct/have been taught is right/have experienced with other families.

There is no one way to raise a child. I have friends who home educate, friends hip who travel the world with their DC, friends with high flying jobs and nannies, friends who emigrate not once but every few years to a different country with their dc, friends who send their dc to boarding school each term and write actual letters to them.

I have 3 DC. I manage my alone time by having regular days and holidays without them. I manage my late nights at work by taking them with me to work. I manage the cost of childcare by not paying for childcare. I am spontaneous and become endlessly frustrated by friends with children when they will not commit to plans because of the dc, because of our stage of life there is no one to be spontaneous with as they are all at home raising kids. So I am spontaneous with my DC, we go all over at all hours and we have a mantra of saying yes to all opportunities. We’ve wild camped on a mountain with a baby, I’ve gone camping on my own with 3dc on a bus because we fancied it, I’ve woken them up at 4am to go on an adventure to see the sun rise, I’ve taken them up a volcano, I’ve partied in a field in knee high mud at a festival with them until 2am, eaten tapas till Dawn, climbed mountains, we’ve been on 1000+ mile road trips, been lost at sea!

Raising actual children happens for perhaps, max 15 years. Then you get, actual people. Expensive people, sure - but there is more to it than the child stage, it can be hard to see.

it’s fine not to want kids. But don’t let the idea that having them means you have to do a certain thing and live a certain life stop you, because the great thing is about being the parent - you get to choose. You can travel the world and never be tied down. You can outsource the child rearing and see them once a week. It’s mostly, all up to you.

I think you make a lot of sense op and are very wise.

I think you can probably have a full on career with dc but not if you need to refuel at weekends. Parenting is relentless. Also, how keen your partner is to parent and how hands on they are makes a massive difference.

And I feel the opposite to a previous poster who mentioned raising people at 15 years, not children. While this is technically true I wouldn’t underestimate how much emotional input and practical support that teens need. Tbh I found parenting much easier when my dc were small.

Good luck to you and your dp whichever decision you make.

I felt much like you OP. I come from a large family and always liked the idea of dcs.

However I had an absorbing international career, visiting multiple countries in a month, no routine. And absolutely no domestic tendencies.

That changed when I was 40 and I went on to have ds, adjust my career, and take to being a mum, and all the routine that is required, without missing any of it. It was odd but seemed completely natural. DS is 14 now and it hasn't been a problem.

So maybe it is just something to leave for another 10 years.

I think lots, myself included, feel this way and never actually thought it through, as dumb as that sounds. It's the day to day, and that basically your life as you know it is over. I think because you're always told the positive things, the main one being "you'll never know love like it" (which is totally true), and for most they always assumed they'd have children, so there's always the fear you'll regret not having them. It's good now that being child free is being normalised and that people know they have the option and that if you love your life, then there's nothing wrong with wanting to keep that way. I'm not that old, but it's only been in the last 10 or so years, that people are not having children by choice in my 'circle' of family and friends

@Tripofalifetime343 2 of my dc are teens, 17 and 15 at the moment, and in very hard times, outside of what would be expected. That’s why I felt able to mention the timescale. I also have a younger child so very much not out of that phase yet.

Very sensible and well reasoned. I felt the same way as you in my mid -20’s and then annoyingly as soon as I hit 30 I was filled with the need to have a child. Biology, hormones, whatever. I was too weak to resist and I now have an 18 month old DS and pregnant with my second. I love being a mum so much, 25 year old me would be absolutely horrified. Whatever you choose to do/not do is completely fine but I’d just say you don’t need to make a final decision at this stage. A lot can happen in the next 10 years and who knows if you’ll still feel the same way.

Congratulations? Are you looking for validation on this decision?

I’m pregnant now, in my mid 30s and felt as you do - until I very much didn’t. I desperately wanted a baby and even knowing that all the things you say are true, the thought of not having one was too painful to ignore.

It’s fine to not want children but don’t feel the need to make a decision or declare or justify yourself at such a young age.

I know people who have had multiple babies to have babies. They don't actually want a spotty 12 yo pr a stroppy 15 yo.

Sensible to consider it.

I'm the opposite, I didn't want the messy birth and baby part but I love the raising humans to adulthood bit.

Completely fine to not want kids. You've put a lot of thought into it and your reasons are good ones

Oh god this is me. This is what I really don’t cope with well - not having alone time.

Lucy Worsely and Diane Morgan are good role models of women with great careers who've chosen not to have kids. They seem like they'd probably have pretty fulfilling lives.

That’s why I’m still up and will be exhausted tomorrow - I haven’t had my quiet alone time and so can’t sleep til I’ve had some.

It isn't. Plenty of people in their twenties know they want kids.

I think that you know yourself well as a person and you understand how being bipolar effects you. Your currently working towards getting qualified in a specific area. After getting this qualification you will be working long hours due to the nature of your work.
Your aware that you need alone time each day and alone time during the weekend. This helps you with your mental health.

I think that some people like the idea of having kids but have not thought of the reality that their lives will change in a major way. Some babies then can have special needs and sometimes these only show up as they get older. In some cases a parent may have to give up work/work less hours because of this. I know one lady who had to leave her job and do agency work. She needed a lot of days off due to her child's appointments and she needed to work on things with her child to improve their outcome.

I would do what suits you and your partner. Not every woman wants kids and a child deserves to have a happy mother that wants them.
I would be honest with your partner both now in the the future that you don't want kids.

You are still very young and there is a fair chance you will change your mind. But actually a lot of what you say resonates with me as a 52 year old childless woman. I did not consciously decide I did not want children, but when it didn’t happen, I can’t honestly say that I tried very hard to change that, I left it in natures hands. And I think that is because I liked the idea of children maybe more than the reality of a lifetime commitment.

I always felt the same op. There would be nice bits of having kids, having adults kids when your old could be nice and it would have been lovely to give my parents grandchildren but honestly I just don't want to raise them. I kind of always expected my biological clock to start ticking loudly and I paid attention to how I felt when friend family had kids but while I was curious and interested in them I never felt broody myself.

I don't envy parents, I thrive on lots of time alone and I know I'd feel ground down by all the effort that goes into raising kids, it's bad enough doing it for myself and dp. In myself I and happy with my choice but I know others question it or judge me.

My mum once admitted to me she loved having babies and had to stop herself having more because she realised she did only want a baby nor another child. Both my parents often get nostalgic for when we were babies and tots.

I think pregnancy literally alters your brain to maximise your interest in your child and desire to care for them which is a pretty nifty bit of biology. I suppose some women conciously don't want this change but I think it's reassuring it exists!

I think this is quite a common feeling, especially for men. I have 2 dc and I love being a mum and wouldn't change it, however even for me, one of the best parts is simply them existing - the hard part is actually raising them.