I'm in my mid-20s. Partner and I initially said we wanted kids, our relationship is moving forward steadily and recently we decided that we most likely won't have kids.
This actually came about quite randomly. I think I want kids on a "that would be cute" level and I always imagined I'd have kids. I didn't think I'd meet a man who wouldn't want kids, I just assumed it would be a passage I'd go down.
However, I have no desire to raise kids. This particular concept was literally the pinnacle of my decision.
Whilst I like the idea of having a child as an abstract concept, I have to be honest with myself that the sacrifices that come with having a child are not things that would make me happy. My desire to retain certain aspects of my lifestyle, the realities of actually raising a child and my personal circumstances outweigh everything.
First, I'm bipolar and I hate feeling trapped. I know I can fluctuate, I move around a lot with my partner, we have no plans to stay settled in one country and I know this kind of lifestyle wouldn't fit in with the average child. On a more everyday level, I am also a very spontaneous person. I don't necessarily think this is because I am bipolar when it comes to an everyday level, but I love last minute things and plans and when I feel trapped or don't have this spontaneity, my mental health suffers. I can't even stand being in jobs that are not flexible or don't give me the ability to manage my own time.
Second, my chosen career is a tough one, and I haven't even qualified yet. I don't want to be too outing, but whilst it comes with good compensation and a high level of prestige, it's incredibly stressful, hard to plan and one of those careers were last minute things always seem to pop up. Some nights I can be there until ten. I know woman can "have it all," however I don't realistically see how I can maintain my dream career to the level I do now whilst also raising children. It would be hellish.
I recharge alone. I'm an extrovert, but I need time alone to refresh. I get frustrated and impatient if I can't be alone for at least part of the day and I know if I had children, I would never have the same level of alone time that I have now. My weekend lie-ins are a large part of my mental health routine- stupid as that sounds- and I use the weekends to recharge from my job. I can't imagine having to get up early Saturday and do various activities such as clubs or sports for children. That would severely impact me mentally and I'm already bipolar, which is hard enough.
Lastly, the cost. Even with a potential well-paying career, childcare is so extortionate. Plus the bigger house. And everything that comes with that. I live in central London right now, which is obviously expensive. If I move, it will be to another large, non-UK city.
Essentially, the idea of raising children and the reality of that is not something I want. Giving up my disposable income, flexibility and free-time is something I know will make me unhappy and is just completely at odds with my personality, my lifestyle, my mental health needs and even how I am happiest. However, despite this, I feel an almost type of milder grief that I won't have children. I suppose I'm being realistic myself and what is best for me, but as much as I feel sad that I've come to this decision and a weird kind of sentiment for the path I've chosen not to go down, I feel a very resolute, final sense of relief.
AIBU to think you can want to have kids, or like the idea of having kids on a more abstract level, without actually wanting to raise children or definitely have kids? Or just want kids but realise the reality doesn't fit in with your lifestyle or the reality isn't something you'd realistically enjoy?
Also, FWIW, my partner and I's original plan was to have kids in our mid-30s. We got onto this conversation as we both kept making comments about how we'd "have to stop X then" and then we had the conversation(s) that lead to this decision.
And further, if anyone wants to know why I'm on Mumsnet, I used to be a nanny and would follow threads here for advice. I love children and I loved the children I cared for, I certainly don't dislike children, I'm just not sure I want them permanently in my life!