To be fed up with DP obsessed with saving

[Stickystitch]

DP of 4 years has become obsessed with saving money and I'm getting sick of it. Because we spent tons less during the lockdown years, he's now seems sort of addicted to not spending? He's just become super tight.

We don't go anywhere or do anything anymore. He just wants to spend all weekend watching football at home because it's free. Sometimes we get a takeaway, oh the excitement. He recently got a new job with an £85k salary (I earn £50k) but wouldn't entertain the idea of going for meal or a drink to celebrate. He doesn't want to go on any trips or holidays this year. It's really getting me down. I'm currently looking at solo holiday options.

For more context, we're lucky to have no debt (he just has the mortgage on the flat we live in). I'm very good with money, have savings, and I'm not a big spender at all. We were saving and looking to move somewhere bigger/nicer but everything locally has rocketed out of our price range so we've given up on the idea for now (no amount of saving and not going out anywhere is going to help with that by the way). Every time I try to discuss this issue of us not doing anything and the cost issue, he won't talk about it. Aibu?

YADNBU! Life is for living.

no point in getting a lovely big payrise if you can’t enjoy some little treats!

Saving money is admirable, but your partner has become a miser and financially abusive. Sadly, you are no longer suited for each other.

I love a bit of self-competition to save but this sounds extreme. Is he anxious about money?

Is saving an excuse because he doesn't want to do anything for some other reason e.g. depression? Does he go out to free things?

Has he said what he's saving for? What does he say when you ask?

Being naturally suspicious, I'd be wondering if he's run up a debt or isn't as comfortable as he appears somehow (gambling, investment gone wrong, lost job but too ashamed to say etc).

Sounds like a tough situation OP. Is there more to it than just maintaining lockdown habits? Is there an underlying concern about losing his job? Is there a family history of financial instability?

if possible I would try and explore what’s really behind this. It may turn out to just be a weird fixation, but at least this way you’ll know.

Has he become interested in FIRE (Financial Independence Retire Early) that was very big during lockdown, and it’s a great idea if you can, but only if you’re all on the same page.

"Every time I try to discuss this issue of us not doing anything and the cost issue, he won't talk about it."

"he won't talk about it." And there's the dealbreaker for me, right there. Sorry, but it is. He wants to continue as he is and you have no say in your joint lives. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

As to the specific issue, miserliness has to be one of the least attractive things a person can be. Total funsponges, valuing money above people. Their money won't love them back!

If you don't have children together, and it sounds as if the house is his alone, I'd cut my losses. I could not contemplate a life spent at his elbow, watching football for free. No.

He was made redundant just over a year ago, along with his whole department. This could have triggered it thinking about it now like you suggest @ChopSuey2. But he got another job within weeks, and his skillset is in demand. He's not generally one to be anxious about jobs.

I'm 99.9% certain he's not in any financial trouble. He's too sensible. He hates gamling and all that crypto nonsense too.

Maybe he's had some serious anxiety triggered by the redundancy that he's desperate to prevent? People can be irrational when they're scared.

@WhereYouLeftIt Yeah it's really turned me off to be honest. My birthday is coming up and all I'd like is to go out for a nice-ish meal. But he thinks eating out is a waste and I know deep down he won't enjoy taking me.

Yes I want to live within my means, but I also want to live my life.

@Stickystitch i could not stand this. You need to speak to him and tell him his miserable attitude is ruining your relationship. He mightn’t see how far it’s gone. I think a lot of people have struggled to get back to a sense of normality after lockdowns. I could not bear to be with a miser though. Do you still have your own social life or are you stuck at home with him? I would really put it on the line and tell him you won’t be spending the rest of your life with a penny pincher.

I have the shreds of a social life. During the pandemic most of my friends either seemed to move away or have kids. I've joined a few clubs and classes this past year to try to meet new people but it has not been successful.

It probably doesn't help that we're both working from home most of the time, in a small one bedroom flat. I'm climbing the walls.

I think the lack of wanting to talk about it is worrying, however having been made redundant myself, I can imagine that having an amount saved as a cushion in case it happens again could well be a driver.

I also was able to get a job fairly quickly, but it did rattle me. Lo and behold, made redundant again a year later and this time haven't got a job straight away so very glad of savings.

Balance is the key though as one still needs to enjoy life. Good luck however you proceed.

There's a balance between being financially savvy and having a life. On those salaries I'd want to have a nice lifestyle of holidays, meals out, hobbies and activities. A 1 bed flat sounds awful if you both wfh. Do you live in an expensive area? I'd prob sacrifice lifestyle if I could have a bigger house.

What was he like before his redundancy? Also, I’ve watched certain friends and family who were known to be tight go to extremes since Covid and rising costs. It’s like these have given them a licence to be as miserly as they can. I just wonder where it is going to end for them. They don’t go out anywhere and seem to get their pleasure from saving money. Their social lives are suffering. We’re all watching our spending but life is for living. As I said they were known for being tight before. Hope he sees the light and what he could lose.

Well, he'll be very wealthy when he's dead if he won't spend now. Life's too short for all that shit.

And being picky. How can he watch football on TV all weekend as it's free. How's he viewing it?

So is he stopping you from spending your salary on holidays, fun things and meals out, or is he just not choosing to spend his salary?
What's the bills split at home?

I’d have gone insane. Can you look at moving to a bigger place for a start?

His lack of transparency and irrational approach is worrying. And sounds miserable as sin to live with.

Ah here we are
its scary being made redundant. You become very aware of your responsibilities and your lack of ability to provide for them. I’d say it’s not surprising that has been a shock and he’s chosen to save to ensure should it happen again you won’t be struggling.

the only thing here is talking. He’s not a miserly abuser as many are quick to label him, it sounds like he’s seen how quickly things can change and it’s scared him a bit

@Eyerollcentral she said further up thread they can't move as prices have rocketed. Op this is no way to live - at home all week with nothing to look forward to at the weekend and no holidays booked when you are on £135k between you ! That's madness . Does he just sit and watch tv all the time ?

Obsessive saving probably can become a pathology, similar to hoarding. Have you confronted him about it?

If you don’t mind saying, how are the bills and costs split? And what savings do you have?

I think in his position I’d be looking to build up a buffer too and wouldn’t be impressed if I was told it didn’t matter and whe should live for today and spend (I’m paraphrasing here I know)

I'm going to go against the grain here. Two things you posted jumped out at me:

We were saving and looking to move somewhere bigger/nicer but everything locally has rocketed out of our price range so we've given up on the idea for now (no amount of saving and not going out anywhere is going to help with that by the way)

It probably doesn't help that we're both working from home most of the time, in a small one bedroom flat. I'm climbing the walls.

Sounds to me like saving hard is a good thing, if it can get you out of this flat!

And, if he has been redundant before - even if he got a job quickly - it's a real shock to the system, and he's probably been made aware of the need for a bit of financial prudence in case it happens again. The pandemic/lockdown has opened his eyes to just how much he can save for both of these eventualities.

However

... you deserve a life too, and therefore it's something you need to have a serious conversation about. There has to be a bit of a compromise here!

It might be prudent to purchase your own property rather than subsidising his.

I would be looking to move out if I were you, it will only get worse.
I visited an elderly relative on Saturday (late 80’s)The outside temperature was 8 degrees and it was 11.5 degrees in his house, he doesn’t have the heating on because it costs too much.
I am sure you will say wicked Tories letting old people live like this. The thing is he has savings of £600,00k! He never earned a lot, simply saved every penny that he could all of his life. I’m sure his poor wife passed away from the cold and not being able to buy decent food.
Ive noticed as I get older more men become like this so I wouldn’t be surprised if it got worse.