To be fed up with DP obsessed with saving

[Stickystitch]

DP of 4 years has become obsessed with saving money and I'm getting sick of it. Because we spent tons less during the lockdown years, he's now seems sort of addicted to not spending? He's just become super tight.

We don't go anywhere or do anything anymore. He just wants to spend all weekend watching football at home because it's free. Sometimes we get a takeaway, oh the excitement. He recently got a new job with an £85k salary (I earn £50k) but wouldn't entertain the idea of going for meal or a drink to celebrate. He doesn't want to go on any trips or holidays this year. It's really getting me down. I'm currently looking at solo holiday options.

For more context, we're lucky to have no debt (he just has the mortgage on the flat we live in). I'm very good with money, have savings, and I'm not a big spender at all. We were saving and looking to move somewhere bigger/nicer but everything locally has rocketed out of our price range so we've given up on the idea for now (no amount of saving and not going out anywhere is going to help with that by the way). Every time I try to discuss this issue of us not doing anything and the cost issue, he won't talk about it. Aibu?

Nope he sounds utterly miserable.

As its a new(ish) thing can you speak to him to get to the bottom of why? Perhaps he is anxious about cost of living even though it sounds like you're very comfortable.

Also putting loads of money into savings accounts at the moment is actually losing money given the rate of inflation Vs savings rates.

If you want to go on a solo holiday go anyway, they're amazing!!

So you're telling me he's on 85k and you're on 50k and you cant afford anything bigger than a 1 bed flat when both working from home ?! Yeah I'd honestly leave what a nightmare. Hope you're still young enough to have kids with someone else (if you want them that is) cut your losses and go.

It's no way to live. It's good you don't have any kids together. Count your losses and move on with your life.
Couldn't imagine making that much money and not enjoying it.

Well what does he say op when you tell him you think life is for living and you are deeply unhappy?

I’d honestly start going out on my own, to the cinema or a cafe. Make sure you dress up a bit. Tell him you are off because you are not staying at home again watching football. See if he cares.

I agree with the other comments. The deal breaker for me wouldn't even be the thriftyness it would be the refusal to talk about it. If he had an aim like FIRE or was just worried about money you could at least discuss it and make a joint decision but his assumption he gets overall control of your finances and life would be a deal breaker.

Agree with the comments that if I was earning a joint £135k salary the idea of spending the rest of my life (or even the next x years) wfh in a one bed flat with a takeaway as the only occasional treat I'd be wondering what the point of it all was. You can't take it with you, only have one life to live etc....clichés but they're true!

is this in a joint account?

or all going into hs account?

as you said DP i sincerely hope you have not put your savings in his account, you have zero protection as you are not married

I'd have to tell him that I was deeply unhappy with this existence, that you want a nicer lifestyle as we prepared to go it alone to get it. And see what he says. I couldn't life like this OP.

And were that should say

Tell him there's no pockets in a shroud.

How have you approached the conversation? If you haven’t tried already maybe try taking an interest in how much has he managed to save so far and reframing the conversation as to what the goal is for saving and whether there is a joint dream that inspires you both. It might get him to open up about his attitude to money.

I would suggest building a budget together that includes a balance between what you both want, based on a goal to be obtained for the savings.

I think the redundancy scared him.

Some people (more commonly men) can live very simple lives, he might not really be seeing the problem.

I like the idea of building a budget together, that should help the discussion that you obviously need to have.

If, after explaining how staying home and doing nothing was affecting me, things didn't improve in a time frame I set for myself (I'd probably give it three months), I'd be moving out. Is this how you want to live? And if not, is your partner worth giving up on a life with fun and experiences?

You're on 50k. I'm not sure what your savings are like or where you live but given how expensive the area you live is, I'm guessing London. On 50k with enough for a deposit and legal fees, you could buy a one bedroom flat in the outer areas of London. You'd be paying into your own property and it sounds like you'd have more of a life than staying with someone who appears to be sucking the joy out of life with his extreme saving.

Lockdown made me the opposite - desperate to travel and go out, enjoy life and seize the day.

saving is good but you cant take it with you so you need to have some fun as well.

Post a thread saying “been made redundant but have no savings as we wanted to live” and see what value is placed on savings then.

But there is something in between no savings and savings..op wants to go out for a nice-ish meal for her birthday. Or a takeaway every now and again. The little things matter.

Oh I agree. It’s just there are people calling him mean and abusive without knowing any of the details.

True, we only know what op has posted here.

I think this is really difficult, because the other side of this is that once something like going out for dinner doesn't give you any pleasure, because all you can think about is the cost, it's quite difficult to get out of that mindset. I have phases like this about different things and it's really hard to change that once it's started but the only person that impacts is me.

Is there a compromise to be had where instead of talking about each individual thing, you both sit down and do a budget where you give each pound a job (a phrase from YNAB), set up amounts you want to save for the short term boring stuff (car services etc), short term fun stuff (holidays), medium term stuff (redundancy concerns, replacement car) and then once you've worked out what those are, your essential bills (including allowing enough for a mortgage rate increase) and then see how much you could comfortably allow for dinners out etc. I find I'm much more able to enjoy going out for dinner if I know my savings were taken care of the day after pay day (often called paying yourself first) because after that and all my DDs on the first of the month all the other spending is then discretionary other than food and petrol. I have some friends who even have a different account for food spending.

Ok - if you have a household income of £135K that gives you a potential budget of £330K (that is just my assumption of what you could borrow which is conservative, I have assumed 2.5 x your household income and it does not include any deposit you may have) So if you are unable to upgrade from a one bed flat I am assuming you are living somewhere pretty central in London.

If you both WFH and never go out what the hell is keeping you in London? Why not move out and buy a house? On that sort of income you could get a mortgage for a pretty decent sized house in many areas of the country.

He won't discuss finances with you?

I do hope you aren't paying for his 1 bedroom brick security blanket.

You have to find a way of telling him that he either listens or he lives alone. You can't live in solely in the compartments of life he allows you. That's ridiculous, infantilising, insulting. And I can't think of many other things that would put me off a life partner at the same speed.

Not read whole thread sorry. “he just has the mortgage on the flat we live in)”
does he own it on his own? Is he overpaying the mortgage at your expense? Please be careful

I’ve got a bit like that since cost of living crisis and going back to work after Mat leave, I like the feeling I get when I don’t spend any money for x days, or manage to have a bit more left over at the end of the month to put in savings, makes me feel good. HOWEVER we have two DC and are on less that you between us so we kinda need to save, I’m also not so obsessed that I’d compromise too much on days out or occasional treats. On £135k between you and no dependants I’d def be going out for meals, treating myself and saving as well…sounds miserable

It sounds like the redundancy put the frightners on him. It does scare when I think of the 'you're only 3 months without work away from being homeless' type scenarios'. Perhaps just remind him that spending £30 on a takeaways shares the wealth and keeps others in jobs too. A little spending in the right places keeps local communities afloat, and you get to enjoy yourselves a bit too!

Sounds extremely boring. It wouldn't work for me.