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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with DP obsessed with saving

72 replies

Stickystitch · 17/01/2023 01:19

DP of 4 years has become obsessed with saving money and I'm getting sick of it. Because we spent tons less during the lockdown years, he's now seems sort of addicted to not spending? He's just become super tight.

We don't go anywhere or do anything anymore. He just wants to spend all weekend watching football at home because it's free. Sometimes we get a takeaway, oh the excitement. He recently got a new job with an £85k salary (I earn £50k) but wouldn't entertain the idea of going for meal or a drink to celebrate. He doesn't want to go on any trips or holidays this year. It's really getting me down. I'm currently looking at solo holiday options.

For more context, we're lucky to have no debt (he just has the mortgage on the flat we live in). I'm very good with money, have savings, and I'm not a big spender at all. We were saving and looking to move somewhere bigger/nicer but everything locally has rocketed out of our price range so we've given up on the idea for now (no amount of saving and not going out anywhere is going to help with that by the way). Every time I try to discuss this issue of us not doing anything and the cost issue, he won't talk about it. Aibu?

OP posts:
maeveiscurious · 17/01/2023 20:00

Balance is important, getting the budget recorded is important including holidays. After you have recorded all your savings and spending you know what's realistic to enjoy each month.

Saving is as important as enjoying your life

userxx · 17/01/2023 20:02

He's earning £85k and living like he's earns £8500. He sounds joyless and tight-fisted.

Cracklingfire1 · 17/01/2023 20:04

@Stickystitch
If you are both working from home, and you have no social lives, why not move to an area which is cheaper? Can't believe that with a joint income of £135k and savings, you can't afford more.

Paq · 17/01/2023 20:05

I don't think you are compatible anymore.

SunlightWINTER · 17/01/2023 20:33

Sticky stitch

I've got 3 holidays booked for this year, so far. More to be planned later
Plus a holiday booked for 2024

We also go on random days out too

We do have savings

When people are older, they sometimes say
I wish I had visited x place
I wish I had done X
They never say that they wish they watched more TV !

Please don't let this be you !

Book the holidays, go to new places, meet new people, try new things, laugh, eat, eat strange things, extreme, wonder...

Life is too short to be bored every weekend, with nothing to look forward to

You have a job & your youth, make the most of it !

Patineur · 17/01/2023 21:05

It seems to me the refusal to discuss this is almost worse. I'd suggest that tell him that if he isn't prepared to have a constructive discussion you will have to consider ending the relationship, because really this is no life for you.

Zosime · 17/01/2023 21:06

OP, can you go back to the office, or find a new job which isn't WFH? You'd benefit from spending less time within your four walls,, and also meet new people.

RockGirl · 17/01/2023 23:02

You are being ridiculous. Move house:

Trinity65 · 18/01/2023 16:48

YANBU

As my Nan used to say "No point being the richest body in the graveyard"

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/01/2023 16:57

What is he actually saving for? Money is a tool not an end in itself.
Has he got an emergency fund figure eg 3-6 months expenses saved?
What else is he saving for?
Does he have a clear budget?
Do you contribute to his mortgage without having a share in the property?

I am a saver and a planner but I always budget something as fun money. Money I have permission to spend on whatever I want.

Suprima · 18/01/2023 16:59

You’re paying off his mortgage and living in a boring, lacklustre relationship with no dates whilst he builds up his nest egg?

I bet you do 50/50 bills as well

GoldilockMom · 18/01/2023 17:04

I agree you aren’t married, living in his flat, no doubt paying for his mortgage!

Please have a look at your own situation - and then go party with your friends!!

Suprima · 18/01/2023 17:10

Suprima · 18/01/2023 16:59

You’re paying off his mortgage and living in a boring, lacklustre relationship with no dates whilst he builds up his nest egg?

I bet you do 50/50 bills as well

Oh and not married either

he builds up his war chest and won’t even take you out for a meal your birthday! 🤡

he’s looking out for number 1 and building up financial security which you have zero entitlement to

Snowy19 · 18/01/2023 21:57

You say you’re absolutely sure he doesn’t have a gambling problem. Only they can be so unbelievably secretive. What’s his attitude to buying you gifts? A close friend found out her partner had a serious gambling problem. For years she’d been going at it alone e.g.social life, he earned loads but she never saw a penny of it. Would get really cheap gifts for birthdays etc with no thought whatsoever and he was so secretive if she ever confronted him about it. Does he spend a lot of time on his phone? You earn such a huge salary between you I just find this really hard to fathom. If your name isn’t on the flat why not, and can you look into getting your own property even as an investment if not to live in, if you’re not going to leave him. Financial independence is so important. Defo go away on your own, you can’t let him stop you from doing what you want you’ll never forgive yourself if it doesn’t work out.

Northernlass99 · 20/01/2023 09:59

I have also become a bit like this since post-lockdown. I think it is just noticing how expensive everything is now. I still go out for meals but not nearly as often - spending 70 quid for a fairly standard pub meal just doesn't seem worth it to me. But then I am northern ;-)

How about setting a budget for going out - a certain amount each month. Then you can choose to spend it wisely on several things, or splurge on a big meal or activity.

TinyTear · 20/01/2023 11:09

knows the price of everything and the value of nothing...

sometimes a small thing can give pleasure, look at the lipstick effect of make up sales going up in recession... a little something to bring joy...

ok not to go out burning money but a birthday meal is a birthday meal...

whitebreadjamsandwich · 20/01/2023 11:19

Op, are you the one stuck in that flat due to a cladding issue?

Christmasbaubleswithtinselon · 20/01/2023 11:32

My in laws are like this. It’s a family story that MIL is a spender but the reality is she just wants to go for a coffee can cake now and again, and dinner and theatre occasionally. She has now grand designs but every financial decision is made by FIL. It’s draining for us to watch. He moves the goal posts offer ; promises trips and then doesn’t do anything and changes his mind. After years of disappointment she’s given up. She has her own social life but wishes she could do more. It’s a sad existence.

Museya15 · 20/01/2023 11:45

That’s sounds like a waste of life, especially on both your salaries.

CatJumperTwat · 20/01/2023 11:57

We were saving and looking to move somewhere bigger/nicer but everything locally has rocketed out of our price range so we've given up on the idea for now (no amount of saving and not going out anywhere is going to help with that by the way).

You're on a combined £135k with no children. What are you looking to buy, Buckingham Palace?

KittyCatChat · 20/01/2023 12:08

Make new friends and go out without him. Are you in London.

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