Teenage sexual assault - big deal or no deal?

[TiredButNotGoingToSleep]

So when I was 14 I was taken into an allyway by a homeless man I'd got chatting to. He kind of walked me that way and I was too scared to say, 'hang on, I don't want to go down here". When we were. Out of sight at the back of the ally he pushed me up against a wall and touched me all over. Tried to undress me. He was very forceful and I couldn't get away. He was so syrong. He was kissing me and I couldn't get his lips away. I thought he was going to rape me. I finally freed my mouth and screamed. There was commotion at a window above the ally and he stopped what he was doing, put his arm round me strongly, and walked me out of the ally and told me not to tell anyone. I never told anyone. Thats about it.

Anyway, I'm having therapy about something else and want to raise it, but I honestly don't know if this is a big deal thing or something not that big of a deal. It feels a big deal to me, but he didn't rape me. Nothing really happened other than I was touched up a bit, slightly undressed and was scared I would be raped.

What will the therapist think? Is this like a big deal or not really? If this happened to you, do u think it would effect you? I'm trying to make sense of it all but I feel like I'm so used to people using me, especially in the past, that I don't really know how I feel or what would be normal reactions to this event (which happened 30 years ago!)

A very similar thing happened to me. I honestly don't give it head space. Yes at the time it was horrific. But I don't dwell on things and I have largely forgotten about it now it's other people that make this bigger in my head than it needs to be

People are different

I think it’s worth you having this conversation with your therapist. I think an important part of therapy is that you don’t try and curate your emotions and thoughts but can explore whatever comes up.

As well as helping you process the issue I think if you raise the question you have asked here with your therapist it will help you build deeper trust and help you go deeper in your process and help you get the best out of therapy (eg. even though you have experienced a traumatic event you are worried that you will be judged).

I’m incredibly sorry for your experience and to others who have shared similar and I hope therapy helps you find some peace.

I think what some posters are trying to say is it’s okay for you to feel it was a big deal but it’s okay for you to feel like it wasn’t. There is a moral judgement on women who aren’t damaged for life by sexual assault. But saying that your feelings or lack of are valid isn’t minimising what a disgusting crime this was. It was committed against an innocent child by a foul and dangerous man who hopefully is in prison or dead.

It is a big deal to you. When I was 18 I was on a near empty train in the evening when about 7 boys around my age got on, surrounded me on the 6 seater I was sitting on. Tried 'chatting me up' when I didn't comply, touched me all over before getting off. I was terrified. I didn't want to get off the train as a dark platform seemed worse, I couldn't call for help as if I got my phone out they might have taken it. In the end they got off it long after. I have never been so scared. I didn't report it. I wish I had. I am still traumatised by it 16 years later. It is a big deal. It doesn't have to be rape to be traumatic.

I think you should tell your therapist exactly like you’ve just told us. Explain you’re concerned you’re making a mountain out of a molehill etc (I don’t think you are by the way but this is all still relevant information for the therapist). Just make sure your therapist is qualified to a high standard and not unregulated, that would be my suggestion.

Do you have any daughter OP? If so just imagine your DD (or any young girl you love) telling you about this happening to them. Your feelings will tell you exactly how big a deal it is. Just imagining my DDs telling me this makes me want to simultaneously cry and kill the man. And when you were being so open and kind as well ☹️ the sexual assault is awful in itself, but the violation of your innocent trust is probably also something that will have stayed with you. And the fear, must have been terrible. Please do tell the therapist and talk it out. Did you talk to anyone about it at the time?

Moreover, and this is important, therapy is for YOU, not anyone else. It's so important you really embrace that and not hold your feelings up to some arbitrary standard of what "other people" might feel or think. Your feelings are valid and they matter. This is your space to work through them with the support of the therapist whose job it is to listen, to empathise and to support you to evaluate on your own terms what matters, why it matters, and what they say forward is. Not to tell you what you should and shouldn't be bothered by.

Take care of yourself OP, you deserve it x

I think you need to work on, and think about why you are even questioning it as being a 'big deal'?
Why do you not trust that this was a horrible episode that was truly terrifying for you. It does not matter if it was now big shakes for someone else (I am struggling to imagine anyone being okay with this) it is how you feel about it that counts, and your feelings are entirely valid and concrete.

What it also indicates to me, is that you have had much worse things happen perhaps in your life, so in the scheme of life maybe it is lower than other things that have affected you more perhaps? But that does not make this event any less important, just because worse things happened elsewhere/to other people. At least you were not actually raped etc.

Some things live with us, they are not processed, or they are ignored or buried - and they sit there alive for many years within us. I think you would feel much better discussing this, and giving yourself permission to feel what you felt/feel about this event in your life, that has never been forgotten in a safe place.

I was groomed and sexually assaulted as a teenager. I tried to carry on and move forward with my life, but it has stayed with me. I look back and realise how much of an impact it has had on me. I wish I’d got help earlier. I definitely recommend talking to your therapist about it. You were sexually assaulted by that man.

I think it is a big deal. I think we should all speak about these assaults and should normalise the conversations around them. It is likely that every time you are in a position where you feel vulnerable, you are returned to this feeling of fear.

Maybe some people would brush it off and see it as water under the bridge but maybe they felt safe, were able to talk about it at the time, were listened to so it had less impact.. or maybe they push it down and live with the impact of it.

You have given yourself the gift of unravelling all of the things that have led you to where you are today including the fact that this plays on your mind. Maybe by talking about it, by being heard, by exploring your thoughts and feelings about this, it will have less of an impact on your future, maybe you will need to talk about some more.

It's a big deal. Yes other people would be effected by it. You're not making a mountain out of a molehill at all. If this happened to your daughter, neice, friend etc you'd be horrified.... you need to feel the same kind of concern for yourself. Hope you can find peace and healing x

I was a sexually abused as a child and as an adult - technically the incident as a child was less sexual so to speak but I was more frightened and more afraid for my life so it has affected me more. I think the idea of a therapist is you can tell them anything and explore your thoughts. It’s not about what has happened or not happened - it’s how you feel about it.

I’m echoing those who correctly say it’s a big deal - a lot of women and girls just push it down and try to not think about it and get on with life.
Im one of those - pushed down childhood SA, multiple terrible things done by drunk/just old creepy (insert any “excuse”) men and a rape.
It casts a shadow no matter how we think it doesn’t.
A therapist saying “you must feel X” is an opening for you to say “not really” or “definitely not” etc.
In my case it wasn’t until I was 44 and assaulted by a doctor that I completely broke. I’ve had a lot of therapy, am very glad I did, and although I still wish I hadn’t reported the doctor (because the reporting is a whole other world of trauma) I know I’m doing the right thing by fighting for justice (still) because when you look at the stories coming out about the police officers who rape and assault with no consequences I fear for the people who never get the chance to speak up.
A therapist should be a safe person to open up to: I don’t think therapy makes things worse (in terms of feeling) in the long run. It can be extremely difficult and uncomfortable to initially discuss and explore but in the end it will be worth it

I’m so sorry it happened to you. It is a big deal and you were so young. When I was 18 a homeless man grabbed my breast when I was coming out of the metro and yelled gibberish in my face. He was clearly unwell and it was over in seconds. Obviously that is so minor compared to what you endured but my point is that I can still feel his hand on me more than 20 years later. I hope your therapist can help.

Most importantly- What happened is itself a big deal and many women do not experience that kind of assault, it isn’t an everyday experience. Some women might ‘brush off’ traumatic things as a way to cope, I did for years, but if you have the safety and motivation to change old patterns through therapy then you are trying a different strategy, and talking over old brushed off things that you feel like you want to bring up is part of that.

Also - What could have happened, the fact that you thought he would rape you, is also significant, it isn’t irrelevant just because thankfully it didn’t go so far.

Less importantly- In therapy it can be useful to talk about the things that are coming up as feeling significant even when they aren’t the biggest things in your life. It’s not about proving to the therapist that you have experienced something that legitimises being in therapy, it’s about unpicking how you see your past and present and how you feel and act. I’ve had some big stuff happen too but I found one of the most beneficial therapy sessions I had was talking about a fairly innocuous conversation with my mum as a child! This event is in your mind, it is a big deal but even if it wasn’t it’s ‘coming up,’ so there’s something that you do want to think and talk about in there.

I used to ask myself that question. Shame kept me quiet, plus It happened so long ago that I thought that it was too late to do anything about. But the older I got the angrier I got, & I wanted to see justice served. Whilst having therapy for something entirely different the therapist asked me if I’d ever been abused. I was shocked & like a fool asked how they knew. They said they’d have to inform the Police. He went to prison for a long time, I wasn’t the only one that he abused. People would ask how it effected me, I told them I didn’t know as I’d never known any different. I’m not continuing therapy as I don’t think that to keep going over it is doing me any good. I’ve done what I set out to do, which was to stop him, get him to admit what he did, & everyone knows what he is, now that is a big deal.

Yes I would say that's a very big deal for anyone of any age

It is a big deal. At the age of 10 I was in a park, ironically, on a Sunday School trip, and this old man exposed himself to me.
Apart from the friend who was with me, I've never told anyone. I can still see his face and attire in my mind's eye (thankfully not the gross bit) and I'm 60!
Obviously, I don't think about this every day but there are triggers!
Definitely talk to your therapist about this.

Op, I'm other people, right? I do see this as a big deal. If this had happened or would happen to my DD I'd be extremely concerned and would get professional help to help her deal with it. You were sexually assaulted, op and you were still a child. Even if he didn't rape you, it must have been very scary to think that he might and I can imagine that a traumatic experience like that leaves a scar.

Having said that op, I can understand that you are worried that the therapist might think it's not a big deal (though they definitely will think it is a big deal in this situation) but therapy isn't just about big trauma or obvious trauma. If it's something that bothers you then you can and should mention it to your therapist. Sometimes a lot about how we think and feel can be revealed in seemingly small and insignificant details and these can help your therapist understand you better and therefore be able to help you better. In general, if it bothers you (or causes some sort of reaction in you) then it is a big deal irrespective of whether it might be to others or not.

Jordan Peterson not everyone's cup of tea but I found this really interesting how he validated her experience of sexual assault and talked about the proximity of malevolence. From 1:18.

It’s a crime and bloody disgraceful.

It doesn't matter if it was 30 years ago or 30 minutes ago. You were sexually assaulted. It's a MASSIVE deal. It will have affected you deeply, throughout your life. Many people (myself included) won't seek help for their trauma, but I take my hat off to you for realising that this does require professional help to heal. I wish I was brave enough to face my demons. 💐

@Pollysprocket

goodness what a terrible thing to say. Absolutely zero empathy. Some people can be concerned about poking a sleeping dog in therapy. Your comment is very sad.

This is your lived experience, so try not to worry about what others think. You have probably minimised this event in your mind as a coping mechanism. It’s common to do this. Your therapist will no doubt be shocked a young girl endured this attack. They will help you unpack it all and make sense of it and help you deal with all the emotions that will come with looking back over this frightening ordeal.

Your concern about what others think is something you should also raise and explore with your therapist. Tell them why you held back from sharing. It is perhaps impacting your journey with your therapist if you are holding back because of fear of judgement? Consider if this therapist is the right one for you, and good luck 💐