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Original poster

Teenage sexual assault - big deal or no deal?

92 replies

TiredButNotGoingToSleep · 16/01/2023 22:49

So when I was 14 I was taken into an allyway by a homeless man I'd got chatting to. He kind of walked me that way and I was too scared to say, 'hang on, I don't want to go down here". When we were. Out of sight at the back of the ally he pushed me up against a wall and touched me all over. Tried to undress me. He was very forceful and I couldn't get away. He was so syrong. He was kissing me and I couldn't get his lips away. I thought he was going to rape me. I finally freed my mouth and screamed. There was commotion at a window above the ally and he stopped what he was doing, put his arm round me strongly, and walked me out of the ally and told me not to tell anyone. I never told anyone. Thats about it.

Anyway, I'm having therapy about something else and want to raise it, but I honestly don't know if this is a big deal thing or something not that big of a deal. It feels a big deal to me, but he didn't rape me. Nothing really happened other than I was touched up a bit, slightly undressed and was scared I would be raped.

What will the therapist think? Is this like a big deal or not really? If this happened to you, do u think it would effect you? I'm trying to make sense of it all but I feel like I'm so used to people using me, especially in the past, that I don't really know how I feel or what would be normal reactions to this event (which happened 30 years ago!)

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredButNotGoingToSleep · 16/01/2023 23:13

thepatronsaintofbubblewrap · 16/01/2023 23:10

A good therapist will never think or tell you anything you say is worthless/not important.
Yes it is a big deal. That's child molestation. It happened to me also.
Be kind enough to yourself xxxx

I'm sorry it happened to you :(

OP posts:
tootiredtodrinkgin · 16/01/2023 23:13

I think it just depends on the individual. At 14 I went to the pub and a bloke took me behind the pub and fingered me. I didn't want it to happen but didn't dare say no. My parents didn't even know I'd been to a pub, told them I was babysitting at a friends.
A few years later I stayed over at a friend of a friends house when I was drunk. Woke up with a bloke having sex with me. I know I was raped. I put it down to a bad experience and didn't drunkenly stay at a house again where I didn't know people well. There are many situations I ended up in as a teenager that were very dodgy. A lot of people would probably find them traumatic. I'm very pragmatic and find it easy to move on. A therapist is used to talking to all different sorts of people about all different sorts of things. They won't judge you. What I'd be worried about if I was to see a therapist and talk about my experiences is that it'd cause me to overthink them and actually create a problem where there currently isn't one.

Shadow1986 · 16/01/2023 23:14

TiredButNotGoingToSleep · 16/01/2023 23:09

Thanks shadow. That's helpful. Glad u found raising it was helpful. I think I will bring it up, but just feel a bit weird about it as it's not really very current and I'm the grand scheme of things it's not really impacted me that much I think

Show quote history

You can maybe just say ‘Please can I just take the opportunity to share something that isn’t relevant but I would just like to get it off my chest’ and go from there. I’m sure they will be very sympathetic.
in addition to my sexual assault, which happened twice by same man, I remember getting a lot of (unwanted) male attention when I was that age. Now I’m an adult it’s pretty grim to think about.

MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 16/01/2023 23:18

It's a huge deal. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

One of a number of things is maybe going on here

  • you're scared that if you mention it in therapy and your therapist ratifies it's a big deal, it becomes a huge deal. This happened to me when my therapist replayed some childhood incidents and labelled them as abusive. Huge shock as I don't identify as someone who was abused. I was though. Still hard to hear.
  • you're scared that if you mention it and she downplays it then the trust will be broken because she doesn't see it the same way as you will. Won't happen. She will agree it's a big deal. Anything that's important to you is important to your therapist.
  • you're not ready to mention it. That's OK, but keeping it secret from your therapist won't help your therapy.

Maybe have a think and see if any of these things apply to you? It can be huge to disclose something like this, very scary. Go slow and be kind to yourself, but you will feel better once you talk about it.

Original poster
TiredButNotGoingToSleep · 16/01/2023 23:19

tootiredtodrinkgin · 16/01/2023 23:13

I think it just depends on the individual. At 14 I went to the pub and a bloke took me behind the pub and fingered me. I didn't want it to happen but didn't dare say no. My parents didn't even know I'd been to a pub, told them I was babysitting at a friends.
A few years later I stayed over at a friend of a friends house when I was drunk. Woke up with a bloke having sex with me. I know I was raped. I put it down to a bad experience and didn't drunkenly stay at a house again where I didn't know people well. There are many situations I ended up in as a teenager that were very dodgy. A lot of people would probably find them traumatic. I'm very pragmatic and find it easy to move on. A therapist is used to talking to all different sorts of people about all different sorts of things. They won't judge you. What I'd be worried about if I was to see a therapist and talk about my experiences is that it'd cause me to overthink them and actually create a problem where there currently isn't one.

Yeah, maybe this, maybe I just chalk it up to experience... Maybe I'm better not bothering to raise it. Oh I don't know!!

(Btw, I'm so sorry you were raped.)

OP posts:
Original poster
TiredButNotGoingToSleep · 16/01/2023 23:21

MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 16/01/2023 23:18

It's a huge deal. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

One of a number of things is maybe going on here

  • you're scared that if you mention it in therapy and your therapist ratifies it's a big deal, it becomes a huge deal. This happened to me when my therapist replayed some childhood incidents and labelled them as abusive. Huge shock as I don't identify as someone who was abused. I was though. Still hard to hear.
  • you're scared that if you mention it and she downplays it then the trust will be broken because she doesn't see it the same way as you will. Won't happen. She will agree it's a big deal. Anything that's important to you is important to your therapist.
  • you're not ready to mention it. That's OK, but keeping it secret from your therapist won't help your therapy.

Maybe have a think and see if any of these things apply to you? It can be huge to disclose something like this, very scary. Go slow and be kind to yourself, but you will feel better once you talk about it.

Thanks. Maybe some or all of that! Haven't figured it out yet. Will think it through. Thank u

OP posts:
MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 16/01/2023 23:21

Nothing really happened other than I was touched up a bit, slightly undressed and was scared I would be raped.

I feel that my spellcheck gets bored with the word patriarchy, but omg patriarchy. Only in a patriarchal world would 'nothing really happen' proceed a sexual assault and near-miss rape.

FOJN · 16/01/2023 23:22

What will the therapist think? Is this like a big deal or not really? If this happened to you, do u think it would effect you? I'm trying to make sense of it all but I feel like I'm so used to people using me, especially in the past, that I don't really know how I feel or what would be normal reactions to this event (which happened 30 years ago!)

It's not your therapists job to determine what you are allowed to be traumatised by. You experience sounds terrifying. I had a similar thing happen to me in the hallway of a block of flats when I was 17, I just remember screaming and no hearing me, it was a very big deal.

Please tell your therapist the truth, including what you have written about your confusion. The paragraph I've quoted feels significant to me but I'm not qualified to comment further. I hope your therapy helps bring some clarity and peace.

maddy68 · 16/01/2023 23:24

It's a big deal of you consider it to be a big deal. If you don't then it isn't

I guess many if us have had similar experiences and it's how it affects us that varies

YukoandHiro · 16/01/2023 23:25

This is a big deal OP. Definitely explore it.

HotWashCycle · 16/01/2023 23:37

Please don't minimise this to yourself, OP. It is a big deal indeed for a child to have the shock of what happened to you and the sense of broken trust etc. If it is in your mind now, as it seems to be, it is something to tell your therapist about. It has resurfaced for a reason. Hope you can move on from it when the time is right for you, but that won't happen by ignoring it. Think well of yourself and be outraged that your boundaries were crossed without your will when you were so young. Be angry about it, and tell that therapist! Wishing you well.

Original poster
TiredButNotGoingToSleep · 16/01/2023 23:38

maddy68 · 16/01/2023 23:24

It's a big deal of you consider it to be a big deal. If you don't then it isn't

I guess many if us have had similar experiences and it's how it affects us that varies

I'm not even sure it has effected me. I just find it a bit confusing and wish I had a guide as to how I'm meant to feel! Eg. (Sorry this sounds a bit socially inept, but I'm trying to make sense of my emotions!) - I know if someone dies you are meant to feel some degree of sad, depending on how close you were etc... I dont always feel sad when someone dies, so I can see that's a bit weird, but I at least have some socially accepted guideline to compare to (Ie. I don't feel sad but probably should). With this, I don't know how I'm meant to feel and don't really feel anything, but don't know if that's weird or not? Maybe I do feel something, but not sure what it is and if it's normal?

OP posts:
thepatronsaintofbubblewrap · 16/01/2023 23:49

RE your last post, OP: your unease and not sure how to feel and whether it has affected you or not is therapy territory. That's what they do.
And they help untangle it so you can digest and manage it.
I think, almost all the time, it is better to bring it up and it's very unlikely to make it worse. I hope you get the help you need xxxx

tootiredtodrinkgin · 16/01/2023 23:56

I think that's part of the trouble op, people think they should feel certain things about certain situations. Like when everyone tells you it is a big deal, so you start thinking "well if it's a big deal then shouldn't I be feeling like this or this?"
This is why I know therapy wouldn't be good for me, I don't want to be made to feel things I don't. I saw a counsellor once to work through some infertility issues. I went to one session. It wasn't for me. I don't know if I had a bad counsellor but the minute she said to me "that must make you feel.." then said a particular emotion, it pissed me off, because I didn't feel like that. But I think some people would have been influenced by what she said.

The main thing is though op, they won't judge you and if you feel it'd help you to get it off your chest, then talk about it. There's no right or wrong.

Bowbellsx · 17/01/2023 00:05

It’s a big deal I was 10 when sone boy who lives near me him and his brother trapped me in a alley his big brother made me boy (same age as me) touch me in private places he was 17 he knew it was wrong. I tried to block it out but I think something happened to me that day I don’t trust men….. it’s a big deal sorry this happened to you xx

3beesinmybonnet · 17/01/2023 00:17

Yes it is a big deal.
"I'm so used to people using me especially in the past" . This can be as a result of being abused.
My older brother did similar to me repeatedly when I was a kid. Like you I squashed it down for years because he never raped me. But it has negatively affected me so much as an adult. I finally faced up to it, worked through it and went NC with him 12 years ago. Best thing I ever did but I would agree with a pp that it can be painful since no one wants to think of themselves as being a victim of abuse.
Please tell your therapist, even if its only because its playing on your mind.

Aprilx · 17/01/2023 05:11

TiredButNotGoingToSleep · 16/01/2023 22:58

But would other people see it as a big deal? I don't want to raise it if she thinks it's just life and I should really be over it now? I don't think it's effected me in anyway, I just never told anyone about it and I think about it quite a lot

Show quote history

No of course it is not just life! It is a terrible thing to happen and I think without exception would have found that terrifying for anyone.

freshlybakedbread · 17/01/2023 07:26

Part of what stands out is the worry about how you "should feel " rather than how you actually feel.
I understand you, I worry excessively over whether or not my feelings/ anxiety/ pain is "justifiable" and also can quite easily be swayed one way or the other. I somehow put other people's opinions above my own, even when I am the subject.
I lack in self belief and it shows. Maybe you could explore a bit about why you can't trust your own judgement.
I would say that most experiences are in general relative to the individual. So what one individual might find really difficult and significant, another might quite easily brush off and move on.

freshlybakedbread · 17/01/2023 07:27

Just like to say though that for me this would be a traumatic thing to get over.

Scautish · 17/01/2023 07:32

I think those of you saying “if it’s a big deal to you then it’s a big deal” are giving a terrible message - and adding to OP’s further anxiety and self doubt. You also appear to be minimising what she went through.

OP - it’s a huge deal. It’s an awful thing to have happened and any decent therapist will support you through this. I was also sexually assaulted as a child and it is always with me.

talking through mine with a therapist helped. Though the first therapist I talked to was useless, the second (15 years later) was amazing.

i hope you find some peace and I am so sorry you had to go through what you did.

Neolara · 17/01/2023 07:34

I think that is a very big deal. If that happened to my teen DDS now, I would be horrified and get the police involved.

Unfortunately, I think 30 years ago, girls were just expecting to put up with a lot more without complaining. That didn't make it ok then or now. The fact the man told you not to tell indicates he clearly know what he did was not ok.

I would definitely bring it up in therapy if you want to.

Meatballsforever · 17/01/2023 07:37

I'm sorry this happened to you OP.

Please tell your therapist and let her help you work through this.

Eyeofthestorm7 · 17/01/2023 07:40

Sorry I clicked the wrong vote because I was so outraged that you are thinking being made to go through something so utterly abhorrent and frightening should be just got over. It must be so hard if you are worried to talk to your therapist, but please know that you are not alone. I am appalled how many women are afraid to speak up for themselves and made to feel powerless. You are worthy of a strong and beautiful life and I hope you can find the courage and right help to move through all the worries and confusion to a place of security and peace.

FrostyFifi · 17/01/2023 07:43

OP to be blunt. This isn't just a big deal if you think it is. It was a serious sexual assault by a stranger on a minor.

mrshenny · 17/01/2023 07:46

You were 14 and he was a grown adult who sexually assaulted you in an ally, it was a big deal. You have no idea what could have happened if there was no rustling at the window. He knew he did wrong that's why he said for you to not tell anyone. I would explore this with your therapist for sure.