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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have fallen out with old friend over her recent behaviour towards me?

56 replies

christmaspixie · 05/02/2008 15:16

Mmmm, not sure really if I'm over-reacting. I'm 30 weeks pregnant (and rather anxty!),and have a two yr old. Last week me, Dh and toddler had planned a London trip for work to cover two very stressful and packed work days (one for Dh, one for me) I had asked a very good old friend of mine who lives in London if we could stay with them for just one night. (Her and her partner recently came for 2 days free on hol with us, and I put my friend up numerous times when I was the one living in London) All was planned and fine, I spoke to her two nights before and it was all arranged. At 2.30 pm on the afternoon before we were due to go (at 5am next morning) she emailed me to cancel. Only citing that her DP had a busy day at work the following day, and could we find somewhere else to stay. I was pretty livid, and perhaps over-reacted, I emailed back a few choice words asking why she hadn't called me to explain personally. I was having a stressful day already preparing for the work meeting in London, and had to spend the afternoon phoning hotels to find one that was available. Her DP then called me to have a go at me, saying she was crying and I'd better ring her to apologise ?!!! That just flipped me over the edge and I was rather rude to him, I'm afraid. I spent much of the rest of the day in tears! Since then I have emailed and apologised for being rude, but explained how let down at the last minute I felt. She has only contacted me to say how rude she felt I was, no apology, nothing. I feel like not speaking to her for a very long time! Perhaps as she has no kids she doesn't appreciate the stress of combining pregnancy/ toddler and work trip... but even so I think she should have called. Am I being unreasonable? And pregnantly hormonal?

OP posts:

speak2deb · 05/02/2008 15:20

I don;t think you should blame this on your hormones. I would be furious if a friend did that to me.

She knew she was doing the wrong thing otherwise she would have called rather than chickening out and emailing.

needahand · 05/02/2008 15:23

YANBU cancelling at 2pm the day you are supposed to arrive IS rude. So ok you probably shouldn't have been rude but you have apologised for this.

Rantmum · 05/02/2008 15:26

YANBU. She should have given you more notice or had an actual reason other than dp is working hard. She was very rude to cancel at such short notice. I am sure she does not understand the pressures on you, but imo what she did would have been out of order even if you were single and childless.

Have you found a hotel? Just go to London and enjoy your trip as best you can.

If you think that the friendship is important enough, get in touch with your friend and apologise that you responded in a manner that was rude but explain that her cancellation has made this trip extremely difficult for your family. In future you now know that she is not reliable and you should not make plans that rely on her.

onebatmother · 05/02/2008 15:26

nope yanbu.
and pathetic to get her dh to call for her!

ConnorTraceptive · 05/02/2008 15:26

The fact that she emailed you to cancel is very rude let alone cancelling so late on. Her excuse sounds pretty lame too. If she didn't want to put you up she should have made her excuses when you first asked.

S1ur · 05/02/2008 15:29

her behaviour was naff. she could've called at least. And as for dp calling on her behalf that's just a bit odd, a bit like a parent might Just how rude were you in your emial???

TheFallenMadonna · 05/02/2008 15:31

How choice were your words?

In these situations, electronic communication is the work of the devil IMO.

crokky · 05/02/2008 15:31

There must be more to it? How does her DP having a busy day at work stop you staying over? You were hardly coming to spend the whole night drinking and making noise.

If she really wanted to cancel (and there may have been a valid reason?) then she should have phoned and apologised and given a bit more of a better reason. To email and give a pathetic excuse is not really on. If she has got a problem, she can't tell you what it is so is the friendship worth it?

Chequers · 05/02/2008 15:35

Message withdrawn

dittany · 05/02/2008 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kimi · 05/02/2008 15:40

YANBU.
God I hate these people who go running to their other half's to fight their battles.
I think she could of at least phoned to say she was unable to put you up, and I think her reasons were a bit silly anyway.

Baffy · 05/02/2008 15:41

She knew she was in the wrong and that's why she emailed you at the last minute instead of calling.

Not sure how choice your words were, so can't comment on that Perhaps you were a little ott - but that's not unreasonable in this instance!

How valuable is this friendship?

As she seems to prefer written communication, I'd e-mail one last time, along the lines of 'As said before, I apologise for the rude comments, however I hope you understand that at 30 weeks pregnant, with a toddler and stressful job, the last minute cancellation caused me unnecessary stress and upset which you do not seem to have acknowledged. Please can you explain why your DP having a busy day at work was a good enough reason to let us down at such short notice. And finally, do you understand why I was so upset?!?!'

This gives her every chance to acknowledge that she was in the wrong too, and apologise.

I would expect her to apologise for the cancellation at short notice.

And if she doesn't give one I'd be wondering whether the friendship was one worth keeping.

Original poster

christmaspixie · 05/02/2008 15:46

Oh phew, thanks so much for these replies!! Due to her total lack of apology/ response to me trying hard to smoothe things over I was starting to think maybe I was in the wrong, and being pregnant I do keep crying all the time etc anyway....my email to her contained the phrase 'for F*'s sake, couldn't you ahve let me know last night/ and or called me?' But I did email to apologise for my very hormonal reaction. And that I was shocked by her behaviour.

I've even asked her if there was more to it/ anything else wrong. She said no, just that I was the rudest friend ever because of my response. Perhaps her DP is behind it, jsut don't know. Not sure what to do next. Don't want to lose her friendship, but don't want to be walked all over either!!

OP posts:

dal21 · 05/02/2008 15:51

YANBU at all. She was in the wrong. But I doubt that she thinks she was in the wrong - and even if she does, she will have her DP in the background nit picking and winding her up about your 'rude email'.

You have apologised and she hasnt.

Let the dust settle; the ball is in her court. You say you dont feel like speaking to her for a very long time. Then don't.

She has caused you extra stress and upset at a time when you dont need it - concentrate on you and your pregnancy.

In time - if this friendship is valuable to her - it will get back on track. If it isnt and she doesnt contact you - then you know where you stand.

dittany · 05/02/2008 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twiglett · 05/02/2008 15:53

it really isn't you being rude and you need to make that perfectly clear to her I think

the fact that anyone would email on the afternoon of the day to change arrangements is totally out of order .. a phone call is just about acceptable

I think I'd find myself emailing something along the lines of

"I am ashamed of myself for using bad language and have apologised but I really don't understand why you feel you have any right to feel aggrieved: our stay was pre-arranged and pre-confirmed; you neither had the grace to call me to cancel personally nor did you offer any reason for putting my family at such an inconvenience and expense at the very last minute.

It seems to me that you are happy to accept our hospitality but not happy to return it.

I am sorry you feel upset, but you are not half as upset as I am over this.

I only hope we can, over time, find some way to put this behind us. Some form of apology or excuse for your actions would be a good start.

I hope I hear from you at some stage. "

Sunshinemummy · 05/02/2008 15:54

Agree YANBU. And I believe her DP was unreasonable calling you and having a go at you.

BirdyArms · 05/02/2008 16:12

YANBU and I think that Twiglett's email is good. I do think there must be something more behind it, like she had a row with her dh eg he didn't want to rearrange something for your stay, which escalated into her saying 'OK I'll tell them they can't come then'. Also think it's odd her dh calling you, find it harder to imagine the scenario for that as not something that my husband would ever do. Regardless she should apologise.

Kimi · 05/02/2008 16:21

Well said twig

Original poster

christmaspixie · 05/02/2008 16:23

Thanks, I agree with all those thoughts, I did find it odd that her Dp rang me too, not something my DH would do either. So maybe he was behind it all. I have said something along the lines of what Twiglett said when I apologised to her for being rude and being hormonal. She's obviously certain that it's me in the wrong, because she has not uttered one word of apology. She doesn't even seem to get how much strain it put me under. She did send me a link to a hotel in her 'cancelling' email, but obviously forgot to read the blurb that I would have had to collect the keys from North London by 2pm that day by myself with toddler and buggy. (We were in Central London) I just don't think she gets that having a toddler and being heavily pregnant makes being in London a total nightmare! I'm pretty upset by all of this, as I considered her one of my closest friends and I don't want to fall out over it. But it's in my nature to want to put things right, and I am not a doormat!! Should I call her? Post her a link to this page? (That would probably inflame things even more, but gosh it's tempting!!). Otherwise I guess I will try hard to WAIT for her to make a move of reconciliation. Could be a long wait.

OP posts:

Flllightattendant · 05/02/2008 16:27

I have a feeling she was probably really hoping to see you, in a theoretical way, but it dawned on her that a midweek stayover, including a small child, would be really hard for them to handle especially with work commitments the next day. It would have been easier at the weekend perhaps, for them. Obviously not having kids they haven't got used to the sleep deprivation (not that anyone ever does, really!) and perhps never even considered that you might find it hard putting her and her bloke up, which is a bit pathetic really - she should have thought about that before accepting your hospitality!

But that doesn't excuse her saying it would be fine and then cancelling the day before you were due to travel. I think she realised it was wrong, she was trying to put her partner first, and knew he couldn't handle a visit, so was afraid to tell you because of your potential reaction. Thus the email.

I'm not defending her, just trying to put another perspective as I don't think it's helpful to demonise - more constructive to understand. I'm sure she would really have loved to see you but was stuck as it was awkward. Was it really only arranged the previous evening? If so perhaps you need to allow for the fact she gave an answer while excited and wanting to see you, before thinking it through. It might have been better to have had contingency in place before 2 nights before the trip!

I can see perfectly that you must be really stressed out at the moment, I know I would be, but perhaps you took out your frustration a bit too firmly on her when you found the email - I would have said FFS to my computer screen and then thought it over before trying to contact her. Cross yes, but she did have to think on the spot in the first place and maybe thought she was doing you a favour by saying yes, when you were leaving in two days? She might have thought you were desperate iyswim and then realised later that it was just really impractical on that particular night.

I hope I don't come across as critical but I want you and her to patch it up and have a giggle about it, you both know no harm was meant...don't you?

Flllightattendant · 05/02/2008 16:27

Flllightattendant · 05/02/2008 16:32

Btw I really think she should have called, but was probably too scared...no excuse obviously.

Perhaps if you had turned up without having seen the email, she would have been quite pleased? Especially if her DP was the one complaining...

Original poster

christmaspixie · 05/02/2008 16:34

It was arranged over a week in advance, but we just talked to confirm all the details the previous night. You're probably right FA (big sigh)but I'm still really upset and fed up and oh, even more fed up about it x thanks for tea....

OP posts:

Flllightattendant · 05/02/2008 16:39

Ah well that changes everything. She is a silly bint and you need to get her by the ears and shout at her, very loudly!!!!!!

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