DH, MIL and golf.....

[BaconAndAvocado]

When my MIL comes to stay (she’s a widow) DH will often go and play golf, leaving me to entertain her.
Last year it happened a few times and I told him I wasn’t happy about it and so he said that he would be at home when she’s there. She probably comes to stay for 3 nights once every 6 weeks.
Yesterday he said that we should invite her to stay at the end of the month (she stayed at Christmas) and I said, don’t forget our discussion about your golf?? He went a bit quiet and I get the impression he thinks I’m being unfair and should let him go and play.
Am I?

Make him stay EVERY visit with his mum and watch the number of visits from her fall off of a cliff. Absolutely taking the P

@BaconAndAvocado - What I would start doing is booking things for the very weekends that you know he is going to invite his mother around.
Him - Oh I've invited mum to stay with us that weekend.
You - Ok. I've booked to do X or Y with Mary and Pat that weekend. I won't be around. You'll have to look after your mother.
Him - Ok.

Then you do whatever X or Y is with Mary and Pat and not be around to look after his mother.

She won't want to visit and stay in another house and rattle around in it instead of being in her house where she can do what she wants. He will soon stop organising trips for her to stay over and you can visit her, and then leave.

He doesn't need to be playing golf every weekend. Is is a professional golfer that he needs to keep his skills up? If he isn't, then he is shirking his parental and family obligations...spectacularly!

He's rude. No matter how lovely she may be or how well you get in with her (or not!), he should be there to see his own mother.

I note the op has disappeared, and I'm not surprised.

It would be a shock to read comments like this to what I assume the op thought was a minor quibble.

My guess is the op was like I was 20 years ago. Maybe late twenties, early thirties and thinking she's in a great relationship and is pretty cool for 'allowing' her dh so much freedom. Turns out I wasn't in a great relationship at all. Oh the benefit of hindsight.

His mum and his responsibility to entertain. Ok to nip out for an hour to the gym, or to go to work. Not ok to go out socialising or to play golf.

Then again, maybe his mum doesn’t feel like she needs entertainment, she might be happy just getting out of her own house fir a while. I wouldn’t want entertainment 24/7..

I think this depends on the MIL and the OP. For example if the MIL goes out for the day on her own, then clearly the golf is fine, but I think if that was the case the OP wouldn't have posted asking if she was being unreasonable. She specifically says she left to entertain her, which is not fair.... unlike other posters I don't think changing the beds or cooking the food is such a big deal. My MIL (also widowed) comes for dinner once a week, DH always goes to collect her and takes her home afterwards. I cook the food (for us all) and probably slightly nicer that it would be if just us (I made soup, main and dessert). I think if DH had another commitment (as its a set night of the week) she wouldn't come that week.

"Do not sulk at me. I will not babysit your mother. If you think it would be nice for her to visit them have the common decency to be here when she does"

He really doesn't get to abdicate his responsibilities to you.

Go out yourself. Leave before he does. Leave any DC behind to spend time with their father/grandparent.

Why invite his mother if he won't spend time with her?

Oh no, you need to nip this in the bud. No more prep, tell him he's responsible for that if it's someone he's invited. And go out yourself so he can't. My dad was like this and my mum would moan but never challenged him so it carried on.

He had a friend whose marriage had broken down and he was depressed. My dad thought it was kind and nice to invite him round every Sunday. Except straight After lunch dad would go out to his sports club (friend was half heartedly invited the first couple of times but evidently wasn't keen) and mum would be stuck all afternoon listening to friend's problems. Funny how the nice/kind stuff which dad thought was so important was always outsourced to someone else! Luckily friend found a new partner after which we didn't see him for dust!

Many years ago my husband (then boyfriend) would do a disappearing act every time we went to see his parents. After 5 mins he'd leave me with them and vanish with his brother who still lived at home. Either they'd be smoking in the brother's room or would slope off to the pub. After a while i refused to go as it felt like it was just me visiting his parents! The penny did drop and he stopped doing it.

Haven’t checked in for a while, been hectic here, but thanks all for advice!
Got a feeling MIL will be invited over for the last weekend in January so I’ll be telling DH that I expect him to be here or play golf another time.

Let us know how you get on there when you do.