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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH, MIL and golf.....

88 replies

BaconAndAvocado · 16/01/2023 15:21

When my MIL comes to stay (she’s a widow) DH will often go and play golf, leaving me to entertain her.
Last year it happened a few times and I told him I wasn’t happy about it and so he said that he would be at home when she’s there. She probably comes to stay for 3 nights once every 6 weeks.
Yesterday he said that we should invite her to stay at the end of the month (she stayed at Christmas) and I said, don’t forget our discussion about your golf?? He went a bit quiet and I get the impression he thinks I’m being unfair and should let him go and play.
Am I?

OP posts:
SomethingLessIdentifiable · 16/01/2023 15:41

Win win for him, isn’t it.

He gets the kudos of being such a wonderful son by frequently having mum to stay over, whilst fucking off to play golf, leaving you entertain her.

I’ll bet you do all the prep - shopping, cleaning her room, fresh bedding, cooking, etc - for her visit too, while he doesn’t lift a finger.

What you need to do is plan a full day out by yourself every time she visits and leave them alone for some mum and son quality time. I think you’ll find he’s suddenly not so keen on having his mum stay so often.

AtomicRitual · 16/01/2023 15:49

My DH sometimes goes out to play golf when my DP's come to stay, but we all enjoy it as it gives my DPs time with just me (they do like my DH, but they also like one-on-one time with their daughter), but he'd never dream of inviting his DPs over then going out and playing golf to leave me with them.

You need to book an appointment of some sort during MIL's stay, even if it's just an "appointment" with a good book in a local cafe!

Motelschmotel · 16/01/2023 15:54

He wants to be nice to his mum, but is outsourcing the “work” element of that to you. In favour of his own hobby, at that - it’s not like he’s out delivering meals in wheels. Not ok.

JudgeRudy · 16/01/2023 15:56

YANBU - it's his mum and he should be there. I'm sure she's a nice enough person (you keep inviting her back) but it's still a chore snd a burden shared is a burden halfed. Hope you remind him of your plans for that day 😉

Hbh17 · 16/01/2023 15:56

Well, apart from the golf, having her to stay for 3 days every 6 weeks sounds way too often.... could you start by negotiating her visits down to just 2 or 3 times a year?

NSA2103 · 16/01/2023 16:24

LTB, for being a golfer!

CoffeeChocolateWine · 16/01/2023 16:31

I had a similar issue with my DH but a different hobby and it's when we go and visit his parents. His hobby is a water sport and they live near a beach. We would all go to visit them and then he would bugger off for half the day to do his hobby. It used to make me so bloody angry as he would take the car, leaving me stuck in their house (nothing to do) with them (not the easiest company), the DC going stir crazy but not able to go anywhere that wasn't the immediate area (so basically a naff playground - my oldest is 14!) He thought I was being unreasonable for saying I didn't want him going off for hours on end when he was in such a great location to do him hobby! He didn't comprehend that we were there to visit his parents not do his hobby! Anyway it's not an issue anymore...I no longer go with him unless it's a special occasion and then he is under strict instructions that he's not going anywhere!

Anyway, back to you and your issue...YANBU. His mother, he needs to be there. You, on the other hand, don't. Next time you should book yourself something and go off for a few hours. See what he thinks about that!

user432900976 · 16/01/2023 16:59

Have you posted about this before OP?
And he wasn't spending any quality time with his DM?

AcrossthePond55 · 16/01/2023 18:59

user432900976 · 16/01/2023 16:59

Have you posted about this before OP?
And he wasn't spending any quality time with his DM?

@BaconAndAvocado

I was wondering the same. Is this the MiL who speaks no/little English and tends to follow you around in the house?

Original poster
BaconAndAvocado · 16/01/2023 19:02

AcrossthePond55 · 16/01/2023 18:59

@BaconAndAvocado

I was wondering the same. Is this the MiL who speaks no/little English and tends to follow you around in the house?

Show quote history

No, that’s not me.

The point about me leaving him with my parents whilst I go out to pursue a hobby hit a nerve.I would NEVER do that but that’s exactly what he’s doing!
And yes, I do all the prep work, cleaning, change bedding etc.
Grrrrrr!

OP posts:
Iamwhatiam52 · 16/01/2023 19:02

What a CF! So he's ticking the 'what a good son I am to have mother stay with us' box when he's expecting you to do the entertaining?! Er...no.

Plan a day or night away with your family or friends when she stays; see if he likes that!

AcrossthePond55 · 16/01/2023 19:10

BaconAndAvocado · 16/01/2023 19:02

No, that’s not me.

The point about me leaving him with my parents whilst I go out to pursue a hobby hit a nerve.I would NEVER do that but that’s exactly what he’s doing!
And yes, I do all the prep work, cleaning, change bedding etc.
Grrrrrr!

Show quote history

Thanks for the clarification.

I think you are right to put your foot down and tell him it's non-negotiable, he needs to be there. It's his mum, chances are she comes primarily to see him, not you. And DGC if applicable. I'd tell him that if he's not going to be there, neither am I and he can explain THAT to his mother!

I'd point out to him that it's not a 'hardship' to give up golf for what amounts to 3 days out of 42 'possible' golf days (6 wks=42 days). That still leaves him 39 days during that 42 days in which to play to play golf. What, does he think he's going to forget how to play if he doesn't play for 3 days?

AcrossthePond55 · 16/01/2023 19:13

And yes, I do all the prep work, cleaning, change bedding etc.

And bullshit to that, too!!! Tell him that part of the 'new plan' is that HE is going to pitch in and help with the prep, etc, too. For HIS mother's visit. Problem is that you've allowed this situation to develop over time (like the boiling frog analogy). Now you want to change his very comfy status quo. It's going to be an uphill battle, but one worth fighting.

AffIt · 16/01/2023 19:16

@BaconAndAvocado

And yes, I do all the prep work, cleaning, change bedding etc

Then, for the love of all that holy, fucking STOP.

Jesus Christ, I will never understand these endless posts from women who think their role in life is to do stuff for other people.

Just stop. What's the worst that will happen? Will people die? Probably not.

So just stop, and find a time-consuming hobby (preferably one that requires traveling a vast distance) of your own.

Daleksatemyshed · 16/01/2023 19:18

Just a thought Op, does your DH arrange his DM's visits and then go out to golf, or does he arrange the golf first and make sure he slots his DM's visits in to be at the same time? If it's the first that's not good but if it's the second he's a proper CF

Original poster
BaconAndAvocado · 16/01/2023 19:37

AcrossthePond55 what’s DGC?

OP posts:
Original poster
BaconAndAvocado · 16/01/2023 19:38

Daleksatemyshed · 16/01/2023 19:18

Just a thought Op, does your DH arrange his DM's visits and then go out to golf, or does he arrange the golf first and make sure he slots his DM's visits in to be at the same time? If it's the first that's not good but if it's the second he's a proper CF

He plays golf every weekend.

OP posts:
BeenPurple · 16/01/2023 19:39

Fuck that shit. Nope.
Twll him if he thinks that’s fine then he can do all the hosting and housework and bedding stuff

SomethingOriginal2 · 16/01/2023 19:41

BaconAndAvocado · 16/01/2023 19:02

No, that’s not me.

The point about me leaving him with my parents whilst I go out to pursue a hobby hit a nerve.I would NEVER do that but that’s exactly what he’s doing!
And yes, I do all the prep work, cleaning, change bedding etc.
Grrrrrr!

Show quote history

You need to stop that too. He doesn't do it when your parents come does he. It's not your job. If he wants his parents to visit then he hosts. Just like you host your parents. I'd take yourself off out for the weekend.

jmh740 · 16/01/2023 19:42

BaconAndAvocado · 16/01/2023 19:37

AcrossthePond55 what’s DGC?

Dear grand children

Eastereggsboxedupready · 16/01/2023 19:48

How old are your dc? Imo they need a fold membership as soon as they are old enough
.
Mil can hire clubs.

Daleksatemyshed · 16/01/2023 19:53

If he goes every weekend then he's being unreasonable anyway. Tell him if he invites his DM it's not your job to entertain her. I'd make sure I was going out at the same time so he doesn't get a chance to leave her with you.

fishonabicycle · 16/01/2023 19:55

Why are so many golfers c*NTS?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/01/2023 19:56

This is so shit. It's easy to be generous with time when it's actually your time he is offering her not his. It's a bit like if you offered your friends a lift but just assumed he would do it, or invited friends round for dinner but just assumed he would cook

And why on earth are you doing all the cleaning and tidying and making beds up etc? It's his guest, I'm sure he can figure it out

pictoosh · 16/01/2023 19:57

Eh?? Would he like to sit with your mum for a few hours while you go to your hobby?
I'm going to say he would not.

Flick your guilt away.