DH, MIL and golf.....

[BaconAndAvocado]

When my MIL comes to stay (she’s a widow) DH will often go and play golf, leaving me to entertain her.
Last year it happened a few times and I told him I wasn’t happy about it and so he said that he would be at home when she’s there. She probably comes to stay for 3 nights once every 6 weeks.
Yesterday he said that we should invite her to stay at the end of the month (she stayed at Christmas) and I said, don’t forget our discussion about your golf?? He went a bit quiet and I get the impression he thinks I’m being unfair and should let him go and play.
Am I?

Honestly op. You have an EXCEPTIONALLY low bar. This really isn't good. The exclamation marks after the 'of course I do all the work for it too' comment are bad. It isn't funny. It isn't funny at all.

When your mum comes to stay does he do all the housework and then entertain her whilst you go on a spa day?
Ludicrous isn't it? So why do you do it?

I would suggest it's because you both think you are there to please him. Which really really isn't good.

Stop facilitating he's selfish behaviour. As PP said, no one will die if you stop doing everything.

pictoosh “Flick your guilt away” You’ve hit the nail on the head here.

Great post.
Wise words.

Surely MIL comes to see him? I’m sure she doesn’t mind to see you and loves to chat with you but he is her child whom she wants to see. He’s very rude towards her.

By the way he plays golf EVERY weekend???? So is he just part time DH:Mon to Fr?

😂😂how are you even questioning this?!

If you are ever wondering if you're being unreasonable, flip it round and see how normal it would sound for him to entertain your mother for 3 days while you went off to do something on your own. That would be ridiculous right? Then why is it your job to entertain your MIL?

Our rule is, if it's your guest you prepare for their arrival, you make plans for the meals and sort any activities or outings and you engage with them for their entire visit, no disappearing off to the shops or nipping in to work. Funny enough my in laws' visits are restricted to when my DH has the energy to do all this and likewise with my side. My in laws are great and I will often offer to cook a meal if we haven't seen SIL for a while and he is working too much to organise a visit. There is zero expectation on me and any help I offer is much appreciated. It's really nice and I'm happy not being taken for granted.

He sounds resoundingly selfish, poor you and his mother, how she must feel knowing her son won't change hobby day once now and then to see her.

If he were my son I'd be having words and possibly reducing the frequency of visits.

Unless you and MIL are exceptionally close then I don't think it's fair for him to sod off playing golf when he has invited MIL to visit (assuming you are not married to a pro golfer of course!)

A short activity (eg under an hour) would be acceptable I think but golf generally takes a lot longer than that

Its kind of an unwritten rule that the person who the visiting relative(s) belong to needs to take the lion's share of responsibility for entertaining guests.

Yep just to reinforce, DH cleans makes up the bed and does majority of rhe cooking when ILs are visiting. He didn't used to, but a few nudges shamed him into it - basically I copped onto myself and stepped back. I may have issued the odd "reminder" to begin with but now it happens as a matter of course.

And yes, I do all the prep work, cleaning, change bedding etc.

I would stop that too.

In all likelihood she comes to see her son more than spend time with you therefore he should at least have the decency to spend time with her. of course it would be nice if you spent time with her too but only if you enjoy her company and vice versa. Yanbu, don't let him weasel away.

NC as controversial opinion- is it really that much of an issue? If he doesn’t want to spend time with his mum then it is likely to makes his mum think he’s a bad person, I guess but do you really need to get involved?
could you just not organise your own activities?
do you have to ‘entertain’ her? If you don’t want to spend time with her, I think that’s completely fair enough, but if he doesn’t want to either, seems like it’s gonna be his problem when she is like why on earth did you invite me? Maybe she just likes hanging out for dinner? Or being around?

His poor mum, if I had to travel to see my son, and only saw him every 6 weeks, I would be devastated if I realised that he would rather play golf, I get on well with my sons partner, but it is not the same. It is like he is doing what seems appropriate, but doesn't really love her.

It seems to me that he is treating you as he has always treated his mother, as someone useful to him, who just needs to be placated with the least possible effort from him. What a bastard!

Why is it YOU doing this prep work?

Maybe if your H stopped spending every single weekend on the golf course, he could start contributing to not only domestic chores, but family life?

I would tell him what needs doing for his mother's visit & expect him to do it.
If he doesn't, or does it to a poor standard, I'd be telling MiL exactly why.

What hobby or free time do YOU get to take for hours every weekend OP?

Does he at least cook for his mum (and you) when he comes back from golf?

You already know the answer to this question don't you?
My bets are on - no he doesn't!

Oh and this selfish waster you married is setting you up to be her carer when required.

That's how little regard he has for YOU.

He treats you like a mug, because he thinks you are dim mug........and then you behave like one🤷🏻‍♀️

Golf every weekend with children?🙄

Are you a SAHM that he has such a doormat made out of you?

Have a think OP, you deserve better.

Depends on the MIL and your relationship I suppose.
When my MIL comes through its heaven. She mucks in with the kids for hours, wouldn't even notice if me and DH aren't there, sometimes kicks us out to get time alone with the kids. She cooks, she cleans, she irons... I forget we even own an iron.

All that walking does make you tired!..

So true! Bless him!

Bugger that. His mum, he can be the greeter/chef/entertainment committee.

Fast forward 20 years, @BaconAndAvocado , when his Mum is needing some serious care. Where will he be then? Where will you be?

How many hours does he put in at the golf course over the average weekend? Do you see him for any meals?

You’re not in the wrong at all, he’s guilt free cos he’s mums not lonely and coming to see you but not actually taking responsibility to do things with her, it’s unfair on you. He should take her out for the day, just hun and her, maybe do something together another time. It shouldn’t be down to you.

Seems pointless her coming so often if he doesn't want to see her.

Was it something that started when she became a widow?

Does he ever visit her?