to be a bit put out when my manager looked at me like I had two heads when I said I'd be returning to work full-time when I have my baby?

[HalleBerrysBikini]

Ok,

The SAHM v WOHM debate has prompted this post as it reminded me of a conversation last week.

I told my manager I'm pregnat and explained that I would be coming back to work full time after maternity leave. DH and I really can't afford to do it any other way - there's a possibility I might be able to go down to 4 days a week but I think even that is unlikely.

Anyway, my manager works full time, has 2 DC although she only worked part time when she had her first. She basically told me that she didn't know anybody who worked full time when she had her first DC and that if I go back full time I won't have any friends from my NCT course or anywhere else because they will all be off socialising without me as none of them will be full time working mothers.

I must stress, she said it in a very nice, kindly advice type of way, but I'm wondering if she's totally right? I mean, just because she doesn't know any full time working mothers doesn't necessarily mean I won't, does it? Also, she said if I didn't have one day off a week I would never build a "network" with these people. But surely if they are all SAHMs and I only have, say, Mondays off, then I will miss out on any activities they do Tues-Fri anyway?

Message withdrawn

I think it's very difficult to make that decision now. Even if you think you can't afford it now, you could be surprised at what you'll sacrifice so as not to have to leave the baby, or to have some time at home, when the time comes.

I found that the money a saved by not working (eg childcare, buying lunch, fares, paying people to do jobs I might otherwise have done myself, takeaways and other convenience food) was a lot more than I thought it would be.

Whatever the picture you have in your head is of how things will be after baby comes, the only thing that is certain, imo, is that it won't be like that. I don't mean that unkindly, it's just that it's such a major life change, that I think it's impossible to know how you will feel now. I wouldn't make any decision final/public until you have to (4 weeks before you want to go back?)

I think it was just a shock because I kind of expected her, as a full-time working Mum to not be totally askance at the idea.

Also, then I felt I had to justify it - I explained we only recently bought our house so have a large mortgage - that prompted her to ask me if the baby was planned

I kind of thought that people would understand that given the current state of the housing market (and the fact we had no equity when we bought our house) or just general lack of money means that working part-time or being a SAHM is just not an option for some.

Must stress she's a really nice lady and I really do get on with her - she just made feel like a bit of an outcast!

Thanks perpetualworrier - it's not the advice per se that I mind. It's the being told that I would basically be abnormal because nobody else returns to work full-time after their first child.

I'd just like to point out that in the eight months I was off with DD2, I NEVER built a social network with any other mums, of the SAH variety or otherwise! I just never really gelled with anyone at toddlers or etc. So if you're anything like me, you won't be missing out on a great deal if and when u go back to work...

P.S doing 4 days a week will mean I bring home £420 less every month. That's a LOT of takeaways, even with the cots of childcare we'll still be a lot worse off.

PuppyMonkey I'm so glad you said that!

I am really lucky to have some very, very good friends, and I'm really happy with them. I wonder if I will really bond with anyone anyway. My manager said it was important to have a "network" and I can see that it's useful but it also just seems a little bit mercenary - kind of "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours". The only angle that appeals to me in terms of the 4 day week is spending more time with my baby. So I just found it a bit strange that the argument was that it was so I can spend more time with other Mum's. IYSWIM.

If it makes you feel any better, I went back to work full time after both my dc (now 7 and 5) and I still keep in touch with some of the parents I met while dropping them off at nursery.
Also helped that we were all in the same boat - always rushing from nursery to work and back again!
We still take it in turns to have each others children in the school holidays, so you can build a support network even while working full time, if that's what you want.

After I had DS I came back to work f-t when he was 7 months old.

Yes I agree it is hard, and I'm tired a lot of the time, especially now I'm pregnant again, but it's very rewarding. I enjoy my job and my time at work, and I also enjoy the time I have with my son. TBH when I have been at home with him, I've found that more demanding than my job.

In addition, I am still very very close with one mate who I met through NCT, and our sons are best friends. The others I have lost touch with but that's mainly because I've moved away (NCT friend moved to be close to us). The girl I'm still friends with works four days but we still see each other as often as we can.

You can make it work.

Just play it by ear as far as making new friends is concerned. If you make new ones, good for you! You'll probably still get to see them at weekends and stuff anyway...

Never was any good at mummy type groups. Everyone else there always seems to have known each other, gone to school together or in some other way known each other for millions of years. They're always v. nice and polite etc, but I never seemed to get the invites to coffee or a play date. Oh well, like u say, already got some good friends anyway.

It depends. Do your existing friends have any bubs? None of mine do - and I have found that by starting just one local playgroup - I am making new friends who are a similar age to DS. And it is lovely. None of my friends can really have the baby conversations with me - and I wouldnt expect them too. But I do want to have those conversations. And currently one playgroup on a Tues involves a few of us doing lunch afterwards - either out or at someones house and we have a good natter.

I was recently looking for something for DH and DS to do together on a weekend - swimming classes or something as DH would like to have something like that to bond with DS and there was nothing. I was shocked.

So unless your existing social scene has lots of children and you dont need to change it - then wouldnt worry. But you may be surprised by how little you have left in common with your friends once your LO arrives. Thats my experience anyhows and I can see where she is coming from.

Good advice, thanks dal21. Most of my friends don't have kids yet, but I don't think it will be long.

I think what shocked me most, was that I can understand making the sacrifices (if it's even possible to, and given our household budget, I'm not sure it is) for the baby. It just seemed a bit funny for us to find (or go without) all that extra money just so I can naff off to coffee mornings once a week. Sorry, I don't actually mean to be flippant, but that's how it felt.

Just to give this context, meant to add that DH is doing a PHD at the moment which means he has to spend lots of time in the lab and doesn't bring home much money. Hence why my salary is so important.

You seem to be emphasising that your manager is nice/friendly etc. so she may simply be expressing concern for you based on her own experiences.

It IS hard to build a network of other mums if you don't see them. I met a few through post-natal classes - most of whom I never saw again but there is a smal circle I do know. I came back to work four days a week so I see a couple at activities on my day at home. If/when I have time off I often also see them on those days. The babies see each other quite a bit for playdates etc. when I am at work. They are not my best mates in the world - but it is nice to know them and share stuff (they are mostly SAHM), concerns, tips, moans etc. You can build a network even if you don't see people often - but you need to work at a little harder. On the whole, I would say it is worth doing.

'all that extra money just so I can naff off to coffee mornings once a week'

coffee a bonus . Personally I look on at as going without all that extra money simply so I can spend time with my children.

If you want to work full time, go ahead, there are definite bonuses in doing so money and career wise.

TBH I can see your managers point, if it's ment in a kindly way! The chance to meet up with other new mums was a lifeline for me, not that I didn't have enough to do, or made any lifelong friendships, but having somewhere to go in the day, and people to speak to- not just anyone to speak to (although I am about one step away from being that strange gibbering chatty person everyone avoids at the bus stop ) but people going through the same things at the same times, because you do forget all the intricacies pretty quickly.

tbh I think all my (w/o children) friends were glad I had someone else to go on about poo with

Even though I'm sure it'll be hard to sustain useful relationships like that once your back to the workadayweek it isn't totally impossible. Groups like the NCT have meet ups with kids up to 3 (they could do more but ime by that age most are drifting off into other groups) and there's even a few clever working mummies who organise the occasional weekend mass play dates. Remember you will have had your maternity leave to forge relationships with others, and you can decide then whether the relationships you have are worth sustaining- if not then there's the very gentle way of dumping them because you just don't have time

To conclude: she's right, in a way, that socialising and networking is easier if you don't have to work all the time (obv!) But wrong to say you are doing it wrong. You have to make the best decision that you can with the facts available to you, and if it's going back ft then that's the right decision iyswim

In the choice between the bank foreclosing on my house or putting up with a poor social circle I know which I'd choose anyway!

Thanks Ellfriend, I totally understand it will be hard to build relationships with people if I don't see them. Just wondering if it is worth making the effort or not.

At the moment, I'm not particularly bothered, although I concede that that could very easily change once the baby comes along.

FWIW, I don't really enjoy having big groups of friends anyway, I am much happier with a couple of very close friends, so this whole "network" thing is already striking fear into my heart.

But I totally agree with all the comments made that I need to wait and see how I feel before I make up my mind.

I've just realised that that's what's been niggling me about the whole conversation with my boss - it wasn't the money, or anything she said. It's this damn network thing she happened to mentioned. A few people have told me I have to "get out there and get myself a network". It's that I'm pissed of about, I just didn't realise it til I talked to you guys.

Thanks everyone for helping me see that.

Just ignore this thread!

Halle, I went back 4 days when I had dd. I had Fridays off and made no friends at all from antenatal classes or from local activities that I did with dd on a Friday.

When she was 2, I went back to f/t. Due to financial circs I will be going back f/t again when dc2 is 6 months old (due in May).

I know the other nursery parents, and dd goes to parties and playdates etc. I am the same as you though - I never wanted to form a 'network' with other mums and the thought makes me run screaming tbh...

All the chat about making sacrifices is irrelevant for me. I know that I can't afford to do anything else but work full time. Like you, I'm the main breadwinner and I've done the sums.

Your manager sounds like she means well - but I can't believe she asked you if the baby was planned!

Actually, in my area it was rather the reverse -- most first-time mothers went back to work when the baby was somewhere around 6-9 months old, and it was the SAHMs who were temporarily bereft as the mummy network they'd built up while the rest of us were on maternity leave vanished off back to paid employment (obviously they built it up again as their DCs got older and started to go to music/tumbletots/etc., but I know a couple of them found it hard to begin with).

I still kept up with several of the other WOH mothers (not NCT, oddly enough (there was a geography issue there), but people I'd met at hospital antenatal classes or at postnatal group) in the evenings and/or by email, and some of us had our DCs at the same nursery. In fact the nursery is now largely responsible for my network of parent friends -- there's an informal monthly night out, for example.

x-post HBB. Glad you have sorted that out in your head

Thanks Ruby - I'm totally not adverse to making a couple of good friends, but I kind of feel like if I "click" with anyone then we'll make the effort to see each other anyway somehow, regardless of toddler groups. My existing friends live all over the country and it still works.

It's more this mafioso sounding "network" that bothers me. I read so many threads on here about "school-gate cliques" and the like and I KNOW I really, really wouldn't enjoy that.