to be a bit put out when my manager looked at me like I had two heads when I said I'd be returning to work full-time when I have my baby?

[HalleBerrysBikini]

Ok,

The SAHM v WOHM debate has prompted this post as it reminded me of a conversation last week.

I told my manager I'm pregnat and explained that I would be coming back to work full time after maternity leave. DH and I really can't afford to do it any other way - there's a possibility I might be able to go down to 4 days a week but I think even that is unlikely.

Anyway, my manager works full time, has 2 DC although she only worked part time when she had her first. She basically told me that she didn't know anybody who worked full time when she had her first DC and that if I go back full time I won't have any friends from my NCT course or anywhere else because they will all be off socialising without me as none of them will be full time working mothers.

I must stress, she said it in a very nice, kindly advice type of way, but I'm wondering if she's totally right? I mean, just because she doesn't know any full time working mothers doesn't necessarily mean I won't, does it? Also, she said if I didn't have one day off a week I would never build a "network" with these people. But surely if they are all SAHMs and I only have, say, Mondays off, then I will miss out on any activities they do Tues-Fri anyway?

Just to say - oops, sorry, really didn't mean to belittle anyone's network there at all or to say they are all cliqeuy. Just not sure it's for me...

I moved just before having my dd so I didn't keep up with anyone from my ante-natal classes at all. i didn't really make any friends who had babies locally until my dd went to nursery and then they started going through the school together! It didn't bother me unduly but i have a tendency to be anti-social anyway (through shyness). Babies don't need to be in a huge social circle to feel loved.

IME you do need some kind of network. Normal people are not interested in the effect that eating sweet potato has had on your baby's poo (hard to believe, I know, but there it is ). And later on it helps to know that behaviour is normal (I suppose there's Mumsnet for that) and to have people who you can have sensible adult conversations with when you go to, say, a soft play centre (normal sensible adults do not hang out in soft play centres for fun). It doesn't need to be some overdeveloped cliquey school gate thing.

I was never a networky person either (am still not) but you will be genuinely amazed at your need to talk poo with ( Dingdong & PortandLemon) other people in the same mess (literally sometimes)! Not sure I would ever go on a girls day out with them or share my intimate secrets, but there is a whole other world about to open up to you -and it is a very different planet to the one on which you have lived so far!! It can help to have some others as lost as you! (Can always come here of course!)

All good advice. Thanks girls

I feel a lot better now. Like I say, I'm not adverse to meeting a couple of new people. It's good to hear that people who work full-time still managed this.

i went back to work full time when DS was 6 months. i then moved when he was 2, but still keep in touch with NCT mums and am beginning to make friends through the nursery network. TBH, much as i love the company of the other mums at parties etc i'm not lonely either, too busy at weekends to miss other mummy friends, have DS, DH, housework, admin, the shopping and non mummy friends to keep me busy. When i still lived in my old place, us NCT mums got into the habit of going to the pub some friday nights as we'd all gone back to work in some capacity, and it's the drinking buddy thing i miss the most

I went back to work full time when ds was six months and then again when dd was three months. I never expected to do anything else (I'm not especially keen on babies). I found the mummy network really important when I was at home with the babies, and then fairly irrelevant to be honest once I was back at work. I have a few very local good friends still originally from an NCT group, but the people I met through the NCT anti-natal classes although quite important in the first few months at home for the whole "my baby does this what about yours" phase of life I found in the long run I had nothing in common with (partly it's true because I went back to work and they didn't, but mainly because their lives seemed to revolve around shopping, and mine jus never has). Going to work is one way to avoid toddler gym, mums and toddlers and all that stuff where if you don't have anyone to talk to it's incredibly boring and isolating. I alwasy foudn plenty of people to talk babies to at work - even if it was often a comparison of whether babies or teenagers were hardest work!

The only advice I will give is to see how you feel. You may find your feelings are different to how you expected.

Actually, your boss sounds quite nice to be so concerned and to be supportive of you if you do decide to go back part-time. A lot of women do not have such understanding bosses.

I can understand you being intimidated by the 'network' thing. It's not for me either - my dd is 2 1/2 and I only started going to a toddler group 6 months ago. I always found the idea of other children's germs a bit off-putting (still do but trying to control it )

Don't worry, you can manage fine without having to haunt every church hall in the area, and trust me, your baby will also survive without baby massage etc!

However, I agree with the others - wait and see how you feel.

LOL greyskythinker, ds2 HATED baby massage!
Halle, I remember when I was pg with ds1 my boss asked if I would be coming back to work. He was not much older than I was, and he and his dw had a baby a year before I had ds1. I remember being put out by the question. I was a professional woman, very into my career, no baby was going to stop me! He just gave me a wry smile. And then I had ds1 and sat crying my eyes out in the hospital because I was going to have to go back to work when this baby in my arms was fully expecting that I would be there to breastfeed him, cuddle him and look after him. ( Ds1 had no such expectations of course, he was a baby, what did he know!) I did go back to work in the end through financial necessity but nothing had prepared me for the guilt and pain of separation. It only occurred to me afterwards that my boss had seen his dw, who was in the same profession as me go through exactly the same thing and she had ended up leaving her job. It did work out fine in the end btw, ds1 didn't miss me at all even though I missed him dreadfully, he had his breastmilk in a bottle and once he was warm, fed and changed he was a happy bunny.
I think maybe your boss is just letting you know in a roundabout way, that if you feel differently after the birth, then that will be fine with her and that she will support you, whatever you decide. She sounds lovely!

I had the opposite comments from my boss when I told her I was pregnant with DS1 and said that I couldn't imagine I would go back to work when he was born. She swore blind I would be back and that I wouldn't be able to stick it at home. I never did go back.

I think people tend to project their experience on to you and assume your life is the same and you will react in the same way as they did, which obviously isn't the case.

As for a network of friends, yes you will have time to build one if you want to, or at least meet people in the same boat as you, having had your first babies. I think you are right though that once you go back to work you don't necessarily need those people any more. It is, ime, unusual for mothers to get together at the weekends unless they are really good friends. If you aren't the sort who feels comfortable with having a huge network of friends then I doubt this will matter in the least.

Most people want to spend time together as a family at weekends, they are not off at the weekends socialising with their baby friends. Any baby-related friends you do make will probably be those you meet at nursery or the child minder or later, as a result of your DC making friends and being invited out. They won't be people you have had to consciously 'network'.

Thanks greyskythinker, she IS extremely nice and supportive. Please don't read this as a thread about what a bitch my manager is - I've tried to stress that the opposite is true.
Thanks for your advice though - it's very sound.

Halle - not really read all the responses to your post but just wanted to add my experience. I met some lovely ladies through a group my HV organised (really by chance, only because I wanted to go to the resucitation course she was running). We are all now working - some part time, some full time. We're all on different days. I went back to work after 6 months, others had a whole year off.

But we still all meet up occasionally and try to make the effort to go out for a girly night out every few months.

So I suppose what I am trying to say is that, if you're going back to work, it doesn't mean you can't have a 'network' (awful word - I just have friends!)!!

My dh is always telling me to remember that when people give you advice like this, it's sometimes a justification to themselves of what they chose to do. It's a good thought really....

Good luck with everything.

I thought more people went back full time after their first baby than second or subsequent ones - because that is when the childcare costs and sheer logistics start to get trickier.

I know you say that your boss is really very nice but she shouldn't be projecting her own experiences on to you. Only you will know how you feel about going back to work. I went back full time when ds was 6 months old and tbh I was ready to go back - not everybody wants or needs a "social network" of other mums. I missed out on NCT classes for various reasons but I don't feel like I am missing anything in my life. In fact the cynical view might be that I have also missed out on falling out with people that I have nothing in common with apart from babies or listening to endless conversations about has ds done this yet, or my ds is better than yours type of thing. My existing friends and family have been great and I haven't felt like I needed anything else.

I guess what I am trying to say is that everybody feels differently and there is no point worrying about it now - only you will know how you feel once your baby has arrived!

Just a thought. If your manager is so keen on you developing a network, why not play on that?

I work full time over 4 days so no reduction in pay. I work a longer day in return for Wednesdays off. I do have to do some work from home but generally it works well and I get to do toddler groups etc on the day off.

I, like you, was keen to return full time. I met some great friends through the NCT and we all agreed to get a Wednesday off to meet up. We don't all meet every week, but generally there is someone to knock around with. I do get a lot of support (and hopefully return the favour) from my new friends.

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No problem!

We don't have any kind of flexible working policy, so I could definitely only do 4 days if I took part-time hours. A real shame actually, when I come to think of it.

You don't really need a policy though, as you have a statutory right to request flexibility. My organisation has a policy but it does not dictate how that flexibility might work.

My advice would be to look at your job and look at your personal circumstances and construct a business case for flexible working that outlines exactly how the work will still get done. I made a commitment to work on my "day off" when it was absolutely necessary and I ensured that I found childcare that was flexible enough for this. I also am very clear about my outputs and objectives so I can demonstrate that the work is being done.

It helps that I work in an internal consultancy role so to an extent I can arrange meetings and workflow to suit my hours but this is a fine balancing act. I never tell at work that something can't happen because I don't work on Wednesdays. I merely mention something about another commitment that day.

We have good IT support so as long as I have an internet connection I can work from anywhere and you wouldn't realise I wasn't at the office as I access all the systems etc.

You just need to think flexibly. Work isn't somewhere you go, it is something you do.

That's my experience, anyway. I find the Wednesday really handy to chill out, potter around at home, go to Toddler Group and do lovely things with my son.

And yes, you are thinking Under Milk Wood!

I had a similar conversation with my boss but like you need to work full time for financial reasons. I feel like many of the other mothers on here that I only really started making a network of mummy friends when dd started nursery, and they are mainly other working mums. Before that I just hung out with my baby and friends from previous life, before dd. I would say if you need to, go back to work full time. You make friends when you go along to birthday parties with dc's, classes at the weekend and even people you meet in the park.
Hope it all works out for you.

Thanks Indiechick,
I guess I'm just worrying about how we're going to afford it all. We don't have an extravagant lifestyle at the moment - no nights out/holidays just have one car. At the moment we genuinely only spend money on bills and groceries so I don't really know where I'm supposed to find this extra money. We'd budgeted for childcare and can afford that as some debts will have been paid by then. Our fixed rate on our mortgage ends at the the end of this year and I think that's going to cost us at least another £100 a month too.

I think it was just the idea of finding money from nowhere so I could meet people that I honestly at the moment am not sure I really want to meet that was stressing me out.

Don't worry about it all. It all works out OK in the end.