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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is selfish?

60 replies

Wantsummerback · 16/01/2023 08:48

Im up with the baby probably 2 times in a night I then get up in the morning with the kids. Shower get them dressed breakfast. He will stay in bed until death nearly until it’s time to leave. He will then chuck some clothes on do the school run and usually goes out for breakfast with his brother 2-3 times a week. I’m then left at home with the same screeching baby I’ve been with for the past how ever many hours.

We run 2 online businesses together which kind of run theirselves now and to be honest I probably put more work in than he does these days. But that isn’t the issue as I enjoy work!

However I just feel that the mornings are a joke and a huge slap in the face. The mornings are so intense running around I’ve got 2 kids to sort out and a screaming baby that wants feeding and he’s just lying there in bed.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 16/01/2023 08:53

Another day, another thread about a no mark bloke who thinks having a penis gives him a get-out-of-jail-free card to do the bare minimum to raise his own children and manage his home.

Yes, he's selfish. Question is what are you going to do about it? Have you had a proper conversation with him about it?

MiniTheMinx · 16/01/2023 08:53

A lot of men can be selfish, the only thing you can do is pull them up. Demand and expect better and take no excuses.

Original poster
Wantsummerback · 16/01/2023 09:10

I have spoken to him this morning but then his argument is that he doesn’t see his brother often so he appreciates going for breakfast with him a few times a week. So I don’t know! I don’t want to feel like im controlling him but then I feel like an idiot at the same time.

OP posts:
Mummieslncorporated · 16/01/2023 09:16

Go out for breakfast on the days he doesn't.

Go early so that he has to get the kids dressed.

Do this on a regular basis.

Overthebow · 16/01/2023 09:18

Wantsummerback · 16/01/2023 09:10

I have spoken to him this morning but then his argument is that he doesn’t see his brother often so he appreciates going for breakfast with him a few times a week. So I don’t know! I don’t want to feel like im controlling him but then I feel like an idiot at the same time.

He doesn’t see his brother often but goes sees him three times per week for breakfast? Is that that a bit contradictory?

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/01/2023 09:23

Wantsummerback · 16/01/2023 09:10

I have spoken to him this morning but then his argument is that he doesn’t see his brother often so he appreciates going for breakfast with him a few times a week. So I don’t know! I don’t want to feel like im controlling him but then I feel like an idiot at the same time.

OP he sees his brother multiple times a week! I have close friends who I see four times a year. This is self serving rubbish.

When blokes say you are “controlling” it’s usually shorthand for the fact they resent you having boundaries and not tolerating them doing whatever they want.

You know he’s taking the piss. Call him on it and say if he won’t step up he needs to leave.

billy1966 · 16/01/2023 09:24

OP, unfortunately he's a loser and you have really low standards to accept this treatment and to have continued to have children with him.

I feel most sorry for your children that they have such a waster for a father.

He's lazy, sees you as a mug and treats you like one.

He's a horrible role model for those children.

He certainly doesn't really love or even care for you, he couldn't possibly do and treat you so badly.

This is your life until such time as you decide you deserve better than this loser.

I feel very sorry for you and any woman who settles for so little from a man.

Good luck though.

RPost · 16/01/2023 09:28

Men are crap with newborns and kids. My husband slept in the loft for 6 months when we had our second and I took both the newborn and our 3 year old. He then spent most days of his parental leave napping...
It has got much better as the kids have got older.

breatheinskipthegym · 16/01/2023 09:31

He’s misdirecting you though, there’s no reason why he can’t continue to have his breakfast trips with his brother and either help overnight, or in the morning, or take baby with him to breakfast.

What would happen if you took the crying baby to him and said “I need a hand, you take this one while I’m sorting the older kids”?

LivingOnAPrayerYes · 16/01/2023 09:40

@RPost Men are not crap with newborns and kids. What a rediculous thing to say. SOME men can't be bothered to put the effort in if their partner will do it all.

Pearlygates · 16/01/2023 09:47

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/01/2023 08:53

Another day, another thread about a no mark bloke who thinks having a penis gives him a get-out-of-jail-free card to do the bare minimum to raise his own children and manage his home.

Yes, he's selfish. Question is what are you going to do about it? Have you had a proper conversation with him about it?

It's like clock work. MN needs to open a new topic for this sort of stuff.

MRex · 16/01/2023 09:48

Time to set up a schedule together. At a minimum, you both get one morning staying in bed, possibly one partial lie-in each with the baby until school run. Then either you split responsibilities by day, or by activity type, but make it fair to both of you. It's not worth arguing about one morning, the plan needs to be for all future mornings.

Ohhhhladz · 16/01/2023 09:53

I don’t want to feel like im controlling him but then I feel like an idiot at the same time.

It shouldn't be a case of your telling him he can or can't go to breakfast (or vice versa). He has a baby and two older children; he has as much responsibility for each of the children as you do. Unless you have a mutually-agreed schedule that maps out who cares for which child at what time, he needs to think ahead about how the baby will be taken care of while he's out, just as you would. Neither should assume the other is the "default parent".

2-3 breakfasts out a week should be possible if you know the days in advance, but is that the whole issue? Is it only on breakfast days that he stays in bed late? Are you the only one getting up at night with the baby, every night? You can divide specific times, days, tasks, etc. up any way that works for you both, but if you're both working roughly the same amount you should both be putting roughly equal time/effort toward shared responsibilities like childcare and housework. If he is already doing his half but you're still struggling in the mornings, figure out together how you can switch the schedule around. If you've been up throughout the night of course you're going to need a break in the morning; it's not unreasonable.

5128gap · 16/01/2023 09:53

Wantsummerback · 16/01/2023 09:10

I have spoken to him this morning but then his argument is that he doesn’t see his brother often so he appreciates going for breakfast with him a few times a week. So I don’t know! I don’t want to feel like im controlling him but then I feel like an idiot at the same time.

Its really helpful I think for women to understand how the term 'controlling' has been appropriated by men (and women who are too uncertain of their worth and frightened to upset men) to encourage women to tolerate unacceptable male behaviour.
Don't want your husband staying out all night whenever he pleases while you have the children:controlling!
Don't want him investing more time in his female 'friend' than in his relationship with you: controlling!
Don't want him to go where he wants when he wants leaving you the lions share of parenting: controlling!
It is never controlling to have have reasonable expectations within your relationship and to challenge your partners behaviour if its not meeting them.

mug2018 · 16/01/2023 09:54

Pass him the baby while he's in bed so you can look after your other 2.

Hadalifeonce · 16/01/2023 09:57

I am firmly in the camp of handing him the baby and telling him you are sorting out the other DC, the baby is up to him

Abigail69 · 16/01/2023 09:58

Most men are like that bar our son.

Goldbar · 16/01/2023 09:59

Are you breastfeeding? How old is the baby? I'm not sure whether this can be the case, but are you saying that there's a screaming, hungry baby waiting to be fed, but you can't do it because you're too busy running around getting your older ones ready for school? While there's another capable adult in the house?

Just to clarify - your tiny hungry baby is screaming themselves up into an exhausted frenzy (in the way hungry babies do) and all this unnecessary stress to their system could be avoided if he got his arse out of bed and dealt with the older ones while you fed the baby? And he's content to lie there and let the baby scream?

Deadringer · 16/01/2023 10:00

He has a lovely life doesn't he. Business that runs itself, a lie in every morning, breakfast out several times a week, the pleasure of having dc without any of the effort. Why would he want to change anything, he has it made.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 16/01/2023 10:03

Open bedroom door.
Depost baby.
Close door..
Sort dc.
And stop being a martyr..

SBHon · 16/01/2023 10:06

RPost · 16/01/2023 09:28

Men are crap with newborns and kids. My husband slept in the loft for 6 months when we had our second and I took both the newborn and our 3 year old. He then spent most days of his parental leave napping...
It has got much better as the kids have got older.

Your man is crap. And you put up with it. Don’t encourage the OP to suffer the same.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/01/2023 10:06

I think it's absolutely fine for him to see his brother for breakfast a few times a week
But that doesnt stop him taking turns getting up with the kids and getting them sorted, or taking the baby with him, surely.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/01/2023 10:07

Not all men are crap! My husband got up with the baby, shared paternity leave etc

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/01/2023 10:09

billy1966 · 16/01/2023 09:24

OP, unfortunately he's a loser and you have really low standards to accept this treatment and to have continued to have children with him.

I feel most sorry for your children that they have such a waster for a father.

He's lazy, sees you as a mug and treats you like one.

He's a horrible role model for those children.

He certainly doesn't really love or even care for you, he couldn't possibly do and treat you so badly.

This is your life until such time as you decide you deserve better than this loser.

I feel very sorry for you and any woman who settles for so little from a man.

Good luck though.

Harshly put, but spot on I’m afraid. Either stop putting up with it, or continue as you are, your choice..

RedHelenB · 16/01/2023 10:09

Eastereggsboxedupready · 16/01/2023 10:03

Open bedroom door.
Depost baby.
Close door..
Sort dc.
And stop being a martyr..

This.