To think my husband is selfish?

[Wantsummerback]

Im up with the baby probably 2 times in a night I then get up in the morning with the kids. Shower get them dressed breakfast. He will stay in bed until death nearly until it’s time to leave. He will then chuck some clothes on do the school run and usually goes out for breakfast with his brother 2-3 times a week. I’m then left at home with the same screeching baby I’ve been with for the past how ever many hours.

We run 2 online businesses together which kind of run theirselves now and to be honest I probably put more work in than he does these days. But that isn’t the issue as I enjoy work!

However I just feel that the mornings are a joke and a huge slap in the face. The mornings are so intense running around I’ve got 2 kids to sort out and a screaming baby that wants feeding and he’s just lying there in bed.

You mean your man is crap.

Going for breakfast with his brother doesn't prevent him from getting up and doing a bit of parenting first! He's taking you for a silly bugger.

Men aren’t crap with newborns and kids. Some people are just lazy selfish arseholes. My husband was amazing, probably got up with them more than I did. I definitely think I have more than my share of lie ins!

Same here. And now that the kids are not kids anymore, he gets up with our old dog.

Meb aren't crap with newborns you settled for being taken for an absolute mug and that's how you comfort yourself!

My brother in law took 6 months off after my sister wejt back to work (much better parental leave options where we are from), did all night wakings, weaning, bath times, researched the right nursery, did all mornings and nursery runs due to the nature of my DS hours and the fact he really wanted to be a dad.

I was a teen when their first 2 were born and this set my expectation of what kind of man I'd have a child with. My DH was the one who was ready for them before I was and I made damn sure he spent time around people with babies so he knew that parenting involved more than playing with them a few hours a week. My absolute worst nightmare ending up lile this wringing my hands wondering if I am the selfish one. I despair for what example you're setting for your sons and hope to God none of mine end up marrying them.

PS send him to his brother with the baby. I'm 99.9% certain if you met your sibling or friends for lunch you'd have the baby with you. Time for baby to get to know uncle.

We really need to call this for the nonsense it is.

Do you think having a penis makes it harder for men to get up with kids? Or that there are some special hormones they produce which make them lazier?

If men do this its because they can. And that's usually because this behaviour has been modelled to them by their families when they were kids and they watched their mum being a doormat to their dad and often because they observe other men doing this to their wives and partners (and the wives and partners tolerating this).

It won't change as long as people parrot the idea that men are intrinsically crap. We do a massive disservice to other women with this.

If a man's crap its because he's crap and he needs to be told to shape up or ship out. He doesn't get a free pass because of his sex.

This isn't about his brother, from what I see. It's about help at home, at night and in the mornings. Maybe a compromise can be reached where he sees his brother some times each weekday morning. If he won't pull his weight in any department I'd get rid. Who needs an extra large child to raise.

I think what you mean here is that your DH and his children don't see the brother very often so your DH needs to take the baby with him for breakfast to foster a close bond with their uncle.

Well, he can still have breakfast with his brother but first he gets his kids up, ready for school and does the school run.

How can ‘he doesn’t see his brother often’ and ‘has breakfast with him 2-3 times per week’ coexist in the same reality?

He can help with the kids in and morning AND go for breakfast, surely?
Sounds like a lazy ass tbh

Of course it's easier now they're older. Older children don't usually wake multiple times in the night and are more independent. OP needs him to step up now, not in a few years when it's easy! Oh and men are as shit as they choose to be/as much as they are allowed to be, not just shit by default.

Nope, your husband is selfish too.

Plonk the screaming baby on him and deal with the other things.
Then go back and exchange children so he can dress. Then hand baby over again and say I need to work and an outing would do the baby some good.

I have 3 children, 7&8yrs and a 9 week old.
My dh does all the morning school runs so I can sleep in with the baby.
He will even help with the baby at night if he's particularly unsettled - even though he's breastfed.
I do all the school pick ups. That was our arrangement.
Can you not share it out between you? Even if you do 3 set mornings a week to start with and he does 2 etc.
It's not fair for you to do it all in the morning and should definitely be shared if you are both around and able to do so.

^ This

My DH and I have a similar arrangement. He does the mornings and I do the night times. Worked for us for years with no quarrels.

It's all about divide and conquer, not the woman running around doing everything!

I have spoken to him this morning but then his argument is that he doesn’t see his brother often so he appreciates going for breakfast with him a few times a week. So I don’t know! I don’t want to feel like im controlling him but then I feel like an idiot at the same time

Why does any of that mean he can’t get up earlier in the mornings? Why can’t he take the baby with him sometimes? Why don’t you go out for breakfast and leave him with the baby? Why do you never get a lie in and he sorts the kids out for school?

Honestly OP, start valuing yourself.

I didn’t bother reading the entire OP. I am fed up seeing thread after thread about lazy blokes who happily lie in bed and can’t be arsed parenting their kids. You can stop putting up with it by asking him to leave. The lack of respect he is showing you and your kids is disgusting. You being a martyr and continuing to do everything and him doing nothing whilst getting pissed off isn’t helpful. He ships up or ships out- this is not good for kids to see as they will repeat what they see as normal and nothing will ever change -

Oh and your not controlling him by suggesting he parents his kids, gets up and contributes to family life - you can make your own arrangements, see a friend for lunch, coffee and leave the baby with him. If he isn’t going to change then you can.

What does he think gives him the right to all this extra sleep and then a leisurely breakfast out? If you’re both working in the same job, how does he justify this?

You need to have a complete swap of roles - you do the school run, whilst he does the Night Shift and gets the kids ready etc, whilst you stay in bed til the last minute and then go out for breakfast.

What is the reason he isn't taking the baby on the school run and to breakfast with brother?

And why is he lying in bed while you get the dc ready for school? What does any of that have to do with him seeing his brother?

OP, what would you do with your 'time off' while he takes the baby on the school run and to breakfast? Sleep maybe? Go for a walk? Have a cup of tea and relax? You deserve leisure time, same as him.

Don't stand for the 'men are crap with kids' ' he's just a typical bloke' - it's total rubbish and not fair. There are loads of good dads out there who do more than their fair share. He should be stepping up and it's up to you how much you tolerate

This^

@Mumsnet we need a section entitled :

'People who empower lazy wankers to be even more useless and even more lazy and then ask what to do about it'

Catchy title