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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this abuse? What is it?

60 replies

TheStandardLife · 15/01/2023 19:28

Partner and I have a awful relationship, I've tried to leave serval times over the years. Even today he smirked in the kitchen and said how will I leave, I can't.

Yesterday we were out shopping child free, partner was annoyed because I wouldn't engage in a conversation he wanted to have about if he won the lottery and gave me half, how I'd leave him, and he would end up homeless and I'd take our child.

I kept asking him to stop, I kept saying this is ridiculous and I kept walking away.

I picked up a glass vase that I liked and he came over, he said I could have it for my birthday.

He then tried to start this ridiculous conversation again about winning the lottery and me leaving him, I asked him to stop and walked away with vase in my hands.

As I walked away he tried to trip me up, kicking both ankles and swiping my feet from behind, how I didn't fall over crushing the vase I don't know. I tripped forward and luckily got my balance again as I went into some clothing rails.

I was shaking and in shock he just tried to make me fall in public, he said it was a joke and "something he does with his brothers".

He muttered sorry and walked off. I've been crying about it ever since.

OP posts:
NEmama · 15/01/2023 19:30

Ltb

Patchworksack · 15/01/2023 19:30

So how are you going to leave him? You need a plan. Who owns the house you live in? Do you have somewhere else to go? He could have seriously injured you, it’s not normal behaviour.

Casilero · 15/01/2023 19:32

Who the fuck does that? Leave him. I bet there's a hell of a lot more going on.

MolesOnPoles · 15/01/2023 19:32

He’s an arsehole.

What’s stopping you from leaving? Because he’s making you (and presumably your kids) miserable, so I can’t see why you’d stay.

Inkyblue123 · 15/01/2023 19:32

See a lawyer. What an arsehole. Also speak to a domestic abuse helpline who can help you make a plan.

CheeseDreamsTonight · 15/01/2023 19:33

Wow I don't usually say this but you need to leave as he is dangerous.

Notwavingbutsignalling · 15/01/2023 19:33

Oh this is horrible. Please take the good advice on here from experienced posters.

My heart breaks for you.

StubbleAndSqueak · 15/01/2023 19:34

Christ , it's emotional and physical abuse. Who can you speak to in RL ?

Zombiemum1946 · 15/01/2023 19:34

Contact women's aid, plan it, do it, don't look back. This won't be the last time he pulls this crap.

HPLikecraft · 15/01/2023 19:36

Yes it's abuse. And the thing about abuse is that it ALWAYS escalates if you don't put a stop to it. By leaving.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

LynetteScavo · 15/01/2023 19:41

I would have smashed the vase into his face (not advisable!) How very dare he! Yes it is abuse. You need a plan.

Sussexlass84 · 15/01/2023 20:13

Yes it's abuse & you don't deserve this.

It scares me that he's willing to be so blatant about physically assaulting you in public, what would he do in private?

Please, please make plans to leave immediately.

SomethingOriginal2 · 15/01/2023 20:16

Yes it's abuse. And it only gets worse. You need to leave.

larchforest · 15/01/2023 20:18

I agree with everybody else. He is an abuser.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 15/01/2023 20:19

What a fucking arsehole. And him talking through the lottery scenario is verbal / emotional abuse. Hope you can make a plan to leave.

Twillow · 15/01/2023 20:21

Emotional abuse. He sounds lie an arsehole, very immature.

3luckystars · 15/01/2023 20:21

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 15/01/2023 20:21

Yes, it fits the definition for physical and emotional abuse. Get out.

Cherrysoup · 15/01/2023 20:25

Seriously, get rid of him. Making you trip? What an arsehole.

SeenAndNot · 15/01/2023 20:27

That’s abuse yes. What a vile and malicious nasty man.

SlinkySienna · 15/01/2023 20:30

Hi OP. I work in domestic abuse services. This most certainly is abuse. I would suggest you contact women's aid and discuss with them what has been happening. Ask them about leaving, and how to do so safely. You can leave even if you don't have much money. I left my ex in the middle of the night with my 3 month old thanks to mumsnet (thank you mumsnetters, you saved my life), I had no money, no possessions, nothing. Just the clothes on my back. Women's aid helped me to leave safely.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Please keep posting and know that most men like this do not change.

GlassBunion · 15/01/2023 20:31

Yes he's abusing you both physically and mentally.
I'd go so far as to say he's goading you so that he can sit back and say 'what? Me?'

You need to , calmly if you can, prepare to leave him. Asap.

xsquared · 15/01/2023 20:32

Your very first sentence:

Partner and I have a awful relationship, I've tried to leave serval times over the years.

Is already a reason why you need to leave him.

What happened in the shop is just weird, childish behaviour and yes, abuse. He tried to humiliate you, he physically abused you, and minimised what happened as a joke.

You deserve so much better and I hope you manage to leave him. You could be so, so happy without him.

SlinkySienna · 15/01/2023 20:35

xsquared · 15/01/2023 20:32

Your very first sentence:

Partner and I have a awful relationship, I've tried to leave serval times over the years.

Is already a reason why you need to leave him.

What happened in the shop is just weird, childish behaviour and yes, abuse. He tried to humiliate you, he physically abused you, and minimised what happened as a joke.

You deserve so much better and I hope you manage to leave him. You could be so, so happy without him.

Yes, and OP remember most people in abusive relationships try to leave many times before they actually do. Don't be upset with yourself over this, I think the average number of times someone tries to leave is 7 (but could be wrong, vaguely remember that from some training I had years ago). This just solidifies the fact that he's an abuser even more, as people trying to leave non abusive relationships tend to do so on the first or second attempt.

Liz1tummypain · 15/01/2023 20:35

Hope you can get away soon

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