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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this abuse? What is it?

60 replies

TheStandardLife · 15/01/2023 19:28

Partner and I have a awful relationship, I've tried to leave serval times over the years. Even today he smirked in the kitchen and said how will I leave, I can't.

Yesterday we were out shopping child free, partner was annoyed because I wouldn't engage in a conversation he wanted to have about if he won the lottery and gave me half, how I'd leave him, and he would end up homeless and I'd take our child.

I kept asking him to stop, I kept saying this is ridiculous and I kept walking away.

I picked up a glass vase that I liked and he came over, he said I could have it for my birthday.

He then tried to start this ridiculous conversation again about winning the lottery and me leaving him, I asked him to stop and walked away with vase in my hands.

As I walked away he tried to trip me up, kicking both ankles and swiping my feet from behind, how I didn't fall over crushing the vase I don't know. I tripped forward and luckily got my balance again as I went into some clothing rails.

I was shaking and in shock he just tried to make me fall in public, he said it was a joke and "something he does with his brothers".

He muttered sorry and walked off. I've been crying about it ever since.

OP posts:
daisy46 · 15/01/2023 20:39

LEAVE. No more excuses.

MinistryOfTragic · 15/01/2023 20:39

You need to leave, you could have seriously injured yourself if you had fallen on that vase. He knew you were carrying it, and still did it. Get some advice, make a plan, and leave. As everyone else has said, these things only escalate. I am so sorry you're going through this.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 15/01/2023 20:51

OP, what has stopped you when you have tried to get away before? Can you contact Womens Aid. He tried to trip you up when you were holding a glass object - this sounds really dangerous. Yes, it is abusive.

Sagealicious · 16/01/2023 09:36

If he's willing to treat you like that in public I shudder to think what he's like behind closed doors. As others have said you need to make plans to leave and then follow through with those plans.

billy1966 · 16/01/2023 09:46

He assaulted you be kicking your ankles and trying to trip you up so you would fall, while holding a glass vase.

He sounds utterly vile.

You poor woman.

Contact Women's aid for support.

TimeSlipMushroom · 16/01/2023 09:52

If you were out shopping alone and a stranger did this to you and gave the same explanation, would that be OK? Would you then want this stranger in your home? Your bed?

This man is nasty, dangerous and abusive. There is support out there to help you leave him and there is a better future for you without him 💐

GerbilsForever24 · 16/01/2023 10:05

He did this in PUBLIC. what does he do in private?

ObsidianBlock · 16/01/2023 10:05

Physical and emotional abuse. You could have got really hurt.

10HailMarys · 16/01/2023 11:02

I think you are fully aware that this is definitely abuse. You need to get away from this man NOW.

Goodread1 · 16/01/2023 11:08

He is 100 per cent Arsehole
Please 🙏 find a way to get rid of him out of your life for good....

For ever

He is potentially very dangerous,

What if you had fallen and smashed your head on glass

Get as much support as possible

Don't let on that you want to leave him for good.

SleeplessInEngland · 16/01/2023 11:09

Is this a wind-up thread? Are you sincerely asking if this is acceptable?

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 16/01/2023 11:12

He sounds like an utter wanker. Very immature, and yes abusive.

id be thinking of the best way to get out asap.

SlinkySienna · 16/01/2023 12:37

SleeplessInEngland · 16/01/2023 11:09

Is this a wind-up thread? Are you sincerely asking if this is acceptable?

Sometimes when people have been abused for a long period of time they become unsure of what is OK and what isn't. This can be the case in even quite extreme circumstances. I don't think belittling the OP when she is asking for help is particularly useful.

mamakoukla · 16/01/2023 12:58

It’s not acceptable. Please don’t doubt yourself. You deserve to be respected and loved, as does your child

ICanHideButICantRun · 16/01/2023 13:03

He sounds absolutely awful.

You have one life - don't spend it with a man like this.

Think practically. Do you rent or have a mortgage? If there's a mortgage, whose name is it in? Same with a rental contract - whose name is on the tenancy?

I notice you're not married. Do you work full time? Does he?

BunchHarman · 16/01/2023 13:32

That is chilling.

You have to find a way to leave.

NewFoxOldTricks · 16/01/2023 13:43

even apart from the rest of it

"a conversation he wanted to have about if he won the lottery and gave me half, how I'd leave him, and he would end up homeless and I'd take our child."

fucking idiot, how would you have enough to home yourself if he gave you half and he wouldnt!

but yes...
As I walked away he tried to trip me up, kicking both ankles and swiping my feet from behind,
this is abuse and you dont have to put up with it

dontleaveitthere · 16/01/2023 13:53

Fuck that

I'm sorry. How are you feeling today?

You have kids? How old?

Yes it's abuse. He's a twat but it sounds like you already knew that

There are some amazingly wise people on here to help with practical steps for leaving. Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to too?

2bazookas · 16/01/2023 14:13

Its abuse. It will escalate If you stay, your child WILL be damaged for life either as a witness your abuse, or by being abused in person. Physically, emotionally.

You CAN leave with DC and should. Contact a womens shelter.

LimeTwists · 16/01/2023 14:25

He didn’t do it as a ‘joke’, and he knows full well that he didn’t. He did it as a threat to give you a little taster of his anger if you found the strength to leave him. That’s why he mocks you whenever you say that you will leave and also why he interrogates you about you potentially leaving. All disguised as ‘banter’ to disguise what he’s trying to do which is unsettle and intimidate you. It’s an unhappy relationship. You get one life, OP. Get out of it.

neurospicygal · 16/01/2023 14:30

Hello OP, sorry you are going through this, yes it is abuse with clear intent to hurt you physically and to belittle you in public . He is a sick nasty individual. Please seek help via women's aid, friend, family, solicitor , however you can xx

GemJewels · 16/01/2023 14:37

Yes, it's abuse and just the start of it.
If you don't get away asap, that abuse will be ramped up.

Look at it this way, most men would try to avoid their loved ones tripping up, yours purposely tries to trip you up.
Not only risking harming you, but to make you feel foolish if you would have fallen.
You can leave, countless women before you and worse off than you have left their abusive relationship and moved on to a better life.
Don't worry about finances, roof over your head, worry about the further abuse that's to come if you stay.

Nameneeded · 16/01/2023 14:59

Sounds like he has anger issues, and was controlling the situation. He took his frustration out on you, physically. Abuse often escalates and starts off with incidents like these.

Nameneeded · 16/01/2023 14:59
  • Trying to control the situation (and you)
AL1424 · 16/01/2023 17:37

This is emotional abuse/physical abuse re; tripping you up - if you are scared or worried about leaving have a look at Womens Aid, Rise and Refuge. They have a number you can call for advice and support as well as lots of resources online and can help you with a safe plan to leave.

Sorry you are going through this, it is horrible and I hope you manage to leave. You deserve so so much better xxx