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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

boyfriends friend makes me feel uncomfortable

73 replies

Glittered · 13/01/2023 17:33

So Im going to try keep this short
Been seeing my boyfriend for 10 months, we get on so well, Id even consider him one of my best friends. Ive never got on so well with someone Im in a relationship with
We both have kids, have met each others kids but for as long as we can we are keeping what spare time we have just for us for now

Anyway he made a new male friend about 6 months ago through a support group he goes to. i was all supportive of this, its always good to make new friends especially ones going through similar difficulties to yourself

However Ive met this friend now on 5 occasions
I cant put my finger on why but i just get a bad vibe from him. He seemed nice enough at first but I just feel something is off

I brushed this aside for the sake of being polite and giving him a chance

But i just cant shake this feeling. He comes over at short notice (if any at all) when im staying at my boyfriends. His language is foul. He seems to have an opinion on everything. fine whatever i can smile and take it with a pinch of salt

But this friend is just intruding more and more, when Im there before weve even woke up properly he voice notes my boyfriend good morning and talks and talks

If we are out he constantly phones my boyfriend.

Over xmas i stayed at his for a few dats, his friend came over unexpectedly and i was being polite and told him my boyfriend got me a foot spa. he then just was saying inappropriate things relating to mine and my boyfriends sex life (i won't go into it) but i felt really uncomfortable. again being polite i just laughed it off until he left

the next day my boyfriend was getting msgs off him saying oh just checking on you, havent heard from you never do when shes there

i was getting annoyed by now
so i mentioned it to my boyfriend, told him also i didnt like the inappropriate comments he made the night before and maybe the problem is me being sensitive but i just dont feel comfortable around this guy

this led to an argument. my boyfriend said he would talk to him and it wouldn't happen again

I said i have issue him being friends with him but i dont want to be around him and he needs to tell him about boundaries as our time together is precious

He has 3 other male friends who Ive met and i feel totally fine around them
But not this one. its my intuition
so this has led to us barely speaking the past few days

so AIBU? boyfriend wants me to give him another chance but i dont want to. i told him he can be friends with who he wants but please dont have him around me

Any one else had this issue??

OP posts:
watchfulwishes · 13/01/2023 17:35

Support group for what? I wold be wary of a new and intense friendship from someone in a support group, there is a risk they have issues?

YANBU. This guy sounds like a PITA. Your BF needs to install some boundaries.

Original poster
Glittered · 13/01/2023 17:36

Edit: i told my boyfriend i dont have an issue with him being friends with him but to not involve me in the future

OP posts:
Original poster
Glittered · 13/01/2023 17:38

Its AA, i personally only drink if on holiday/special occasions but early on my boyfriend disclosed to me he is a serious binge drinker and has lost so many relationships from this. he is now 9 months sober.
his excuse for this guys weird behaviour is he is in recovery but i said i dont care. we all have our demons

OP posts:
DogBowlsAreMyWeapon · 13/01/2023 17:43

I thought you weren’t supposed to get into a new relationship in the first year of AA?

way too much, way too fast OP. Back off and think of your kids.

Nicanabanana · 13/01/2023 17:46

This is all wrong OP. You need to put proper boundaries in here. That guy sounds like an absolute narcissist. Love bombing phase with your BF.

Original poster
Glittered · 13/01/2023 17:47

i met him before he started AA, he started it a month into our relationship
i didnt know much about AA but he said he didn't want to mess us up
Im only a social drinker anyway
Ive seen him grow and change so much and the other friend Ive met that he made there seems like a nice normal guy.
maybe Im naive

OP posts:
Original poster
Glittered · 13/01/2023 17:49

I dont want to make him choose between me and his friend but in have a horrible feeling about this new friend i just cant shake it

OP posts:
Ragruggers · 13/01/2023 17:51

Take this relationship very slowly much too early.His friend is very needy and is trying to push you away.Take care.

Original poster
Glittered · 13/01/2023 17:52

like i would never want to be on my own with him, might be being dramatic but there's something about him that creeps me out

OP posts:
Upsidedownagain · 13/01/2023 17:54

I don't know much about the alcoholism side of things - I guess you need to be very wary of that though. But the 'friend' does sound very inappropriate - very needy of your bf's support, I presume, to the extent he intrudes on a personal relationship. Either he is very unaware or is intent on sabotage for some reason. I'd expect a bf to put his gf first, over a friendship, and most people would be wary of stepping over those boundaries.

Pawtucketbrew · 13/01/2023 17:54

It's great that he's getting help but weird friendship aside, I would step away from this one as you have kids. You started dating him as he sought help for his alcoholism. He needs to focus on that and you need not take on this baggage at the start of a relationship.

LIZS · 13/01/2023 17:55

It is quite possible his friend has other issues going on and apparently has no sense of boundaries. How does your bf respond to this behaviour? If your bf is a recovering alcoholic you may want to be cautious about him meeting your dc.

piedbeauty · 13/01/2023 18:01

Listen to your gut. It's telling you this for a reason.

Maybe your bf's new mate has other issues too. Alcoholism often goes with other addictions. Tell your bf how you feel about him, see what he says.

But I agree you should avoid him. Sounds like he has no boundaries.

Well done to your bf though. Recovery is hard.

TheNeverEndingOver · 13/01/2023 18:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

canfor · 13/01/2023 18:03

Whatever you do, respect your intuition. You weren't wrong to raise this and you would hope that any boyfriend would listen to and respect your reasonable concerns 10 months in.

catsnore · 13/01/2023 18:05

Trust your gut. You don't have to be friends with this guy or spend time with him.

Chikapu · 13/01/2023 18:09

Your boyfriend needs to tell him in no uncertain terms that he can't come over when you're there and intrude on your time together. If he wants to see him outside of that time then that's up to him but you don't have to be involved.
If your boyfriend doesn't agree to that then bin him off.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/01/2023 18:10

The red flags are everywhere, op, and you're ignoring them. Your boyfriend has serious issues on many levels and it's very alarming that you are bringing an alcoholic into your children's lives.

You should be running for the hills.

watchfulwishes · 13/01/2023 18:10

Aquamarine1029 · 13/01/2023 18:10

The red flags are everywhere, op, and you're ignoring them. Your boyfriend has serious issues on many levels and it's very alarming that you are bringing an alcoholic into your children's lives.

You should be running for the hills.

This is exactly what I was going to say.

This has got car crash written all over it.

crosspusscrossstitcher · 13/01/2023 18:17

Aquamarine1029 · 13/01/2023 18:10

The red flags are everywhere, op, and you're ignoring them. Your boyfriend has serious issues on many levels and it's very alarming that you are bringing an alcoholic into your children's lives.

You should be running for the hills.

Agreed.

Run, and don't look back.

Original poster
Glittered · 13/01/2023 18:30

so he just phoned me and said he hasnt been sleeping well since we had our discussion
he said I come first and if i want him to he will drop him out and cut ties with him
but at the same time doesnt want to as he is part of his recovery journey
i just said im busy and cant talk now

OP posts:
Catoneverychair · 13/01/2023 18:34

You have children and they've already met your alcoholic new boyfriend? Blimey... that's very irresponsible.

LIZS · 13/01/2023 18:38

Glittered · 13/01/2023 18:30

so he just phoned me and said he hasnt been sleeping well since we had our discussion
he said I come first and if i want him to he will drop him out and cut ties with him
but at the same time doesnt want to as he is part of his recovery journey
i just said im busy and cant talk now

Drop friend or the group as well? Doubt it would be that easy either way.

tillytown · 13/01/2023 18:39

How did you telling him you felt uncomfortable around one of his friends, who made inappropriate comments about you, turn into an argument? Does your boyfriend normally shut your concerns down like that?

InsomniacVampire · 13/01/2023 18:41

Ok, so he's like, you come first, but at the same time I won;t drop this weird friend with zero boundaries.
I think this is a write off. Either your BF has no boundaries himself, or likes someone obsessing over him. The weird friend fills a void in his life.