boyfriends friend makes me feel uncomfortable

[Glittered]

So Im going to try keep this short
Been seeing my boyfriend for 10 months, we get on so well, Id even consider him one of my best friends. Ive never got on so well with someone Im in a relationship with
We both have kids, have met each others kids but for as long as we can we are keeping what spare time we have just for us for now

Anyway he made a new male friend about 6 months ago through a support group he goes to. i was all supportive of this, its always good to make new friends especially ones going through similar difficulties to yourself

However Ive met this friend now on 5 occasions
I cant put my finger on why but i just get a bad vibe from him. He seemed nice enough at first but I just feel something is off

I brushed this aside for the sake of being polite and giving him a chance

But i just cant shake this feeling. He comes over at short notice (if any at all) when im staying at my boyfriends. His language is foul. He seems to have an opinion on everything. fine whatever i can smile and take it with a pinch of salt

But this friend is just intruding more and more, when Im there before weve even woke up properly he voice notes my boyfriend good morning and talks and talks

If we are out he constantly phones my boyfriend.

Over xmas i stayed at his for a few dats, his friend came over unexpectedly and i was being polite and told him my boyfriend got me a foot spa. he then just was saying inappropriate things relating to mine and my boyfriends sex life (i won't go into it) but i felt really uncomfortable. again being polite i just laughed it off until he left

the next day my boyfriend was getting msgs off him saying oh just checking on you, havent heard from you never do when shes there

i was getting annoyed by now
so i mentioned it to my boyfriend, told him also i didnt like the inappropriate comments he made the night before and maybe the problem is me being sensitive but i just dont feel comfortable around this guy

this led to an argument. my boyfriend said he would talk to him and it wouldn't happen again

I said i have issue him being friends with him but i dont want to be around him and he needs to tell him about boundaries as our time together is precious

He has 3 other male friends who Ive met and i feel totally fine around them
But not this one. its my intuition
so this has led to us barely speaking the past few days

so AIBU? boyfriend wants me to give him another chance but i dont want to. i told him he can be friends with who he wants but please dont have him around me

Any one else had this issue??

Trust your instinct, OP. I would have a really honest conversation with your DP and say you have no desire to control who he sees and you want to meet and mix with his friends but this man is too intrusive. He dominates your DP's time, he hugely oversteps boundaries, he is very needy and has tried to push for his needs to be prioritised over yours (eg I never get to speak to you when she's around.

I'd say it's up to your DP, but you feel this man is domineering and instrusive and needy and you don't think he's a good influence in DP's life.

Does he really want to lose yet another good relationship due to drink related issues including befriending a mean-spirited man at AA?

Your feeling are valid. People with mental health problems often use drugs or alcohol to self medicate, and it sounds as though this is what the friend does. I'd back off from the pair of them, or at least slow down the relationship.

I see what your bf is saying as AA expects people to support each other and that's part of the deal.

I could have written this post myself several years ago. BF met a new friend through work and suddenly this guy had planted himself in the middle of our relationship. He was constantly ringing and texting and when he and I finally met, the friend was really rude and dismissive toward me. He made my skin crawl - there was just 'something' about him, needy, childish, demanding and possessive.

In my case it turns out my BF was bi (a fact he'd not mentioned) and so was the new friend. I don't know if anything ever happened between them but our relationship ended because Bf refused to put any boundaries in place and he just allowed this bloke to rule his life.

OP, that sounds positive. If this new friend is needy and demanding, your bf doesn't need that in his life at the moment. Hope you can work this out.

This ‘friend’ is a favour in disguise - now you know how the BF actually is. 10 months isn’t that long. Run.

regardless of all the good times we have had

You’ve only been together 10 months.
It should still be all good times.

He does not need to drop this friend.
It’s actually good for him to have him as a support for his recovery.

But he needs to learn boundaries and to listen to you when you are asking him to not have him around when you are there.

It’s such a simple thing to do and if he cannot respect your boundaries then you are starting to see the real him.

he then just was saying inappropriate things relating to mine and my boyfriends sex life (i won't go into it) but i felt really uncomfortable. again being polite i just laughed it off until he left
You need to learn to assert yourself. It's no use asking your b/f to speak for you - it's more effective if you do it yourself, in the moment.
"You are being creepy, shut up" would have done it here.
"Laughing it off" just gives creeps permission to keep creeping.

Hes never told me that they are not advised to get into relationships within a year
Your b/f is flouting AA principles by embarking on a new romantic relationship before he's been sober a year.
alcoholrehab.com/alcohol-recovery/romantic-relationships-in-recovery/

he shouted a lot to point spit was coming out of his mouth and he was shaking
You say you are not going to accept this. Good.
A man with a temper like this is not a man you should be dating.

Are you going to finish with him now?

OP's b/f isn't a partner, he's a new b/f she's only known for 10 months.

In that time, he has misrepresented (to OP) the rules AA like members to follow about romantic relationships, allowed his new mate to intrude on their time together, shuts OP down whenever she has something important to discuss, & lost his temper at her to the point he was shaking & spitting.

The new mate isn't the problem here.
OP's recoving alcoholic b/f with an unmanageable temper is the problem. OP need to get shot of him.

I had a neighbor like this. He had no friends/family/girlfriend of his own and would pounce on my ex boyfriend everytime he came home from work, making him come into his house. He was awful and screamed at me once. He couldn’t keep a girlfriend because of his temper. I’d tell your boyfriend he needs to put boundaries with this needy man.

OP's b/f isn't a partner, he's a new b/f she's only known for 10 months.

Stop being pedantic, as if “partner” has some kind of official meaning the way husband does. He’s her partner of almost a year.

Oh my god. Shaking and spitting with fury. He cannot regulate his emotions at all and he probably has far more in common with the weird, pushy, needy, boundary-crossing friend than with you.

Please feel confident enough to end this relationship. The good times were a small fragment of the big picture, which is not pleasant.

@Glittered if you decide to stay with your BF after this it won’t be because of a problem with his friend or a problem with your BF it will be because of issues you have yourself with being primed to tolerate utterly shitty behaviour and you will have to address that at some stage if you want to have a mainly happy life. We put up with mistreatment because somewhere along the way we have been taught by someone that this ok for others to mistreat us.

Your boyfriend's mask has slipped. I really hope you're smart enough to dump him.

A partner is somebody who commits to you & wants to make your lives better together.

This man is not a partner.

You can’t just make up your own definitions of words based on how you feel. It means one half of an unmarried couple. He’s still her “partner” even if he isn’t a good one.

Merriam-Webster

noun
part·ner ˈpärt-nər
also ˈpärd-

1
a: one associated with another especially in an action : ASSOCIATE, COLLEAGUE

b: a person with whom one shares an intimate relationship : one member of a couple

You’ve not liked him From day 1
her swears and in a lot of contact with your boyfriend and opinionated

to me sounds Lonely and no personal skills

i think most of use have someone in our partners friendship circle we don’t/like or get a long with

I don’t think barring contact when he’s with you is the way forward
tbh are you jealous of the time he spends with him

^^

@Glittered

"Im tired of it, huge row last night as he really cant see the issue with his friend and put it all back on me
he shouted a lot to point spit was coming out of his mouth and he was shaking
i will not accept that and do not have the energy for it
regardless of all the good times we have had"

Truly this man sounds utterly awful. Don't waste any more time trying to reason with him about this friend and just leave. Move on, block him, whatever it takes to get him out of your life. He's horrible, abusive and violent.
Do you have support in RL to get out and move on?

He's not your 'partner'.

@Glittered

Don't whatever you do plan to have babies with this cretin.

It will absolutely not make the situation better.

You don't get to tell your bf anything about how he interacts with his friends when you're with him. You can however leave if you feel uncomfortable and that's what I'd do if his friend was being inappropriate. Do you think you might be feeing a bit jealous of your bf having another close friend who understands his issues?

Have you ended it now then OP?

Hope so.

You deserve better x

Sorry I’m late to the party. The friend will have an AA sponsor to whom he should be going to with his issues. He can share and have support at his groups. You are not responsible for any of their recovery. Just because the friend is in recovery doesn’t make him either sober or a good person.

he clearly is not following the steps with regard to his behaviour.