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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

boyfriends friend makes me feel uncomfortable

73 replies

Glittered · 13/01/2023 17:33

So Im going to try keep this short
Been seeing my boyfriend for 10 months, we get on so well, Id even consider him one of my best friends. Ive never got on so well with someone Im in a relationship with
We both have kids, have met each others kids but for as long as we can we are keeping what spare time we have just for us for now

Anyway he made a new male friend about 6 months ago through a support group he goes to. i was all supportive of this, its always good to make new friends especially ones going through similar difficulties to yourself

However Ive met this friend now on 5 occasions
I cant put my finger on why but i just get a bad vibe from him. He seemed nice enough at first but I just feel something is off

I brushed this aside for the sake of being polite and giving him a chance

But i just cant shake this feeling. He comes over at short notice (if any at all) when im staying at my boyfriends. His language is foul. He seems to have an opinion on everything. fine whatever i can smile and take it with a pinch of salt

But this friend is just intruding more and more, when Im there before weve even woke up properly he voice notes my boyfriend good morning and talks and talks

If we are out he constantly phones my boyfriend.

Over xmas i stayed at his for a few dats, his friend came over unexpectedly and i was being polite and told him my boyfriend got me a foot spa. he then just was saying inappropriate things relating to mine and my boyfriends sex life (i won't go into it) but i felt really uncomfortable. again being polite i just laughed it off until he left

the next day my boyfriend was getting msgs off him saying oh just checking on you, havent heard from you never do when shes there

i was getting annoyed by now
so i mentioned it to my boyfriend, told him also i didnt like the inappropriate comments he made the night before and maybe the problem is me being sensitive but i just dont feel comfortable around this guy

this led to an argument. my boyfriend said he would talk to him and it wouldn't happen again

I said i have issue him being friends with him but i dont want to be around him and he needs to tell him about boundaries as our time together is precious

He has 3 other male friends who Ive met and i feel totally fine around them
But not this one. its my intuition
so this has led to us barely speaking the past few days

so AIBU? boyfriend wants me to give him another chance but i dont want to. i told him he can be friends with who he wants but please dont have him around me

Any one else had this issue??

OP posts:
Derbee · 13/01/2023 18:43

This is a car crash happening in slow motion. The fact that you have ignored all the red flags, and are walking into this eventual disaster is worrying, especially when you have children.

Velvetween · 13/01/2023 18:45

If it helps get perspective on this, consider the friends position. He is on a journey of recovery, has perhaps had to leave a lot of friends ‘behind’ and cut ties to avoid drinking. The process is very hard. He has met a supportive friend, possibly at similar stage. He is throwing everything at his friendship as perhaps it’s part of the little he has got at this stage. Who knows what demons he is unpacking on his AA journey.

Your BF is treading a similar path. He’ll be unpacking all sorts of past behaviours and trying to form new habits on his own journey. What he hasn’t done yet though is set boundaries.

He and the friend have consistently failed to set and stick to appropriate boundaries when you are around. Their needs are front and centre.

Do you really have the energy to be part of this? And allow this to go on with kids in the background. I don’t think your BF is ready for a relationship. I’d let him go.

Kittykat9070 · 13/01/2023 18:50

Jesus Christ can you all stop making out that he’s some kind of dangerous beast because he’s in AA??
He was binge drinking, he taking steps to better himself. That’s bloody brave and strong!
Correct, you’re not supposed to date within a year but like op said, they were together before he started. He meet op, liked her a lot and decided to get support so he wouldn’t repeat past mistakes.
I have a family member in AA who has an incredible job, a gorgeous family. She went to AA to deal with binge drinking and is doing great.

Original poster
Glittered · 13/01/2023 18:51

so he met my children once at the park and we had ice cream. thats all theyve had to do with each other. his child is a teenager and we took him out to an arcade with other members of the famiky
thats as far as it went and will go currently i can't remember who said it but yes he ALWAYS shuts me down when im having concerns then apologises later

OP posts:
SleekMamma · 13/01/2023 18:55

If you are physically reacting to this man then listen to your reaction.

Have you read 'the gift of fear' by Gavin de Beker? It explains why you should listen to your instincts.

romdowa · 13/01/2023 19:01

Yabu unreasonable to date an alcoholic so early into recovery. Save yourself some heartache and let this one go.

toocold54 · 13/01/2023 19:04

You have a boyfriend issue.

It’s fine for them to be friends but your bf needs to tell him he’s busy when you are around.

If he turns up your bf just needs to say he’s busy.
He can even say he’s just about to go out.

I would be concerned that he’s been sober for the length of your relationship and that he joined AA when you got together.
I would have he should have focused on recovering whilst single.

EmmaDilemma5 · 13/01/2023 19:12

It's nothing to do with your instincts. He's just an overbearing, inappropriate person.

I'd be less bothered about the friend and more bothered that my partner would want to hang out with someone who harasses him, says inappropriate things to him and you, who oversteps boundaries and is manipulative. Why would your partner want this person around him? That's what would put me off.

In addition, personally, I could never be with someone who is so early in their addiction recovery. You're playing a dangerous game.

AffIt · 13/01/2023 19:18

As PPs have said, I think that. while it's great that your boyfriend has taken steps to change his behaviours, dating a man so early in the recovery process probably isn't a good idea.

There is a very good reason why addicts are advised to avoid relationships for the first year of their journey and you're finding out why.

BustingClouds · 13/01/2023 19:28

Honestly, and with respect, he is not in recovery if he is dating. Recovery is not just about not drinking, and there is a reason why addicts are told not to start new relationships for the first year. I know you say he was already with you but tbh not for that long and if he was genuinely serious about his recovery he would put it first. It is all consuming, and if its not well then it's not recovery.
I speak from personal experience from being married to one. And it is not conductive to family life, never mind embarking on a relationship. Sorry, I know you posted to get advice on the friend situation but to me that's just a symptom of his unsuitability for you, and your children.
Best of luck.

Original poster
Glittered · 13/01/2023 20:02

SleekMamma · 13/01/2023 18:55

If you are physically reacting to this man then listen to your reaction.

Have you read 'the gift of fear' by Gavin de Beker? It explains why you should listen to your instincts.

no i hadnt heard if it but i just looked it up and ill have a read thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
Glittered · 13/01/2023 21:29

Hes never told me that they are not advised to get into relationships within a year
he told me that they are advised to not get into a relationship with someone who also is in recovery

OP posts:
Ludo19 · 13/01/2023 21:48

Would his new "friend" not fall into that category too then? I've no idea of AA OP but I'm not sure this is a healthy friendship.....or indeed a relationship for you going forward.

JusteanBiscuits · 13/01/2023 22:09

Your boyfriend's needs to speak who ever is supporting him at AA. Intense friendships in groups like that often end up messy.

JustAnotherManicMomday · 13/01/2023 22:18

Sounds like this guy is verging on being a stalker. I think boundaries are needed but if put in place it needs to be very clear your bf is the one setting them. I get the feeling this guy may thinkbits all you and turn nasty. Be careful

Mortimermay · 13/01/2023 22:26

I think you need to trust your instincts with his friend and stand your ground about not being around him. Groups like this can cause all sorts of problems and usually people are advised not to form friendships with each other outside of the group, although obviously not everyone sticks to that. The reasons being that everyone is on their own journey and there can be issues of dependency if they have no one else (which is what I think you're seeing here) and also issues if someone relapses.
It sounds as though his friend has become completely dependent on your BF for all his social and recovery needs. I think your BF sees a fellow person going through the same issues and doesn't want to let him down and probably fears what cutting contact with him would do to his recovery. Which is why people are encouraged to keep their relationships only within the group.
I wouldn't write your BF off straight away, he's done well to remain sober and is clearly working to maintain that. But he does need to put boundaries in place with his friend and if he can't do that, then you need to think about whether he really has the head space at the moment for dealing with the needs of a relationship as well as being in recovery.

JudgeRudy · 13/01/2023 22:30

Derbee · 13/01/2023 18:43

This is a car crash happening in slow motion. The fact that you have ignored all the red flags, and are walking into this eventual disaster is worrying, especially when you have children.

I agree. I'm not sure what the purpose of your thread is OP. Your BF has a ton of issues going on atm and your needs is just adding to them. Of course it's possible he could ditch the friend maybe AA too and you go on to have a great relationship......but that's incredibly unlikely.
My biggest concern is your blinkers. You were oblivious to him having a drink problem when you met. You are focusing on the 'problem' friend when it's simply that your BF is either poor at establishing boundaries or (more likely) his recovery and all that goes with it (ie the peer support) is a bigger part of his life than you realise. Recovering addicts don't just pop along to a meeting once a week. You sound very naive (at best) and a little selfish. He's not ready for a relationship but you want one. ....and just why have you introduced him to your children? Just WHY.
OP you don't want our opinion. You just want us to say you'd be better off now friend is going. Smell the coffee.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/01/2023 22:33

I'd get him to speak to someone connected to the AA (dont know enough about it but group leader? Sponsor?) initially. It doesnt sound right that you're not supposed to get into relationships with fellow addicts in recovery but that it's ok to form very quick intense friendships that effectively is the other person's primary relationship and support (albeit not in a romantic way) with a fellow addict in recovery. I have a feeling he will be advised to take a step back. Does he have counselling at all?
.

To be honest though even if you didn't get a bad feeling about this guy, your boyfriend is ignoring the red flags. The crossing boundaries, the intensity, the neediness, the frequency of contact - none of this sounds like a healthy friendship to me

RSintes · 13/01/2023 22:40

Wait whenever you raise something he doesn't like he ALWAYS shuts you down (your words and your caps) but then apologises later?

Fuck that

misssunshine4040 · 13/01/2023 23:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

misssunshine4040 · 13/01/2023 23:17

Sorry I misread and thought that it was your boyfriend in AA please ignore this

GirlsNightOut33 · 13/01/2023 23:48

The red flags are everywhere, op, and you're ignoring them. Your boyfriend has serious issues on many levels and it's very alarming that you are bringing an alcoholic into your children's lives.

100% this. Bin him off, this intense bromance is the tip of the iceberg.

Do not introduce unstable, alcoholics into your children's life OP. Just, don't.

ScrollingLeaves · 14/01/2023 00:06

DogBowlsAreMyWeapon · Yesterday 17:43
I thought you weren’t supposed to get into a new relationship in the first year of AA?

way too much, way too fast OP. Back off and think of your kids

I agree.

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/01/2023 00:14

Your bf and this weird friend are both people with addiction problems. They are replacing their previous addiction with an addiction to each other.

This is not good. Agree with PPs, red flags everywhere. And trust your gut - that discomfort is signalling something important.

Original poster
Glittered · 14/01/2023 10:59

RSintes · 13/01/2023 22:40

Wait whenever you raise something he doesn't like he ALWAYS shuts you down (your words and your caps) but then apologises later?

Fuck that

yep and this morning i am fuming I feel your all right in your own ways
he needs to deal with himself
Im tired of it, huge row last night as he really cant see the issue with his friend and put it all back on me
he shouted a lot to point spit was coming out of his mouth and he was shaking
i will not accept that and do not have the energy for it
regardless of all the good times we have had

OP posts: