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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What should i do? Should I move out?

65 replies

unsureandconfusedhelp · 13/01/2023 12:53

Posting because I have no idea what to do! Any advice or perspective would be gratefully appreciated.

im 23 and still live at home with my parents. It works for everyone- I like it here and they said they like the company (i believe them when they say that, I don’t think they’re lying lol). We’re close as a family so we actually spend a lot of time together too. Im the youngest and last to move out. My siblings stayed at home for as long as they could - older than me - basically until they were out of uni, earning a good wage, and had a decent deposit saved up for a house.

ive just started my graduate job after university and am not making great money as im at the beginning of the career, but the salary in this profession rises quite quickly once you’ve had a few years experience so in a few years I should hopefully have a good salary. My plan was to stay at home for the next 2-5 years, save up like mad for a house deposit. I like being at home and my parents apparently like having me so it works for everyone. They’re in a good position financially and absolutely will not accept rent or money from me- I’ve tried transferring it and they just send it back over and will not accept it. They didn’t accept it from my siblings so won’t accept it from me, they said all they want is for me to work hard and save up so I can have the security of owning a flat/house etc especially with how unpredictable the market and renting can be.

i know on a practical level it would be sensible to stay at home and save up and im very fortunate and grateful to have the opportunity to do it. But I’ve seen so many posts here saying that it’s better to move out earlier than what I’ll be (27/28+) and that you get so many skills by moving out. I could to move out right now but not comfortably IYSWIM, and it would take a lot longer to save up for a deposit. But would I be a better all rounded person if I was independent and moved out? Saving money isn’t everything and I don’t know if it would be better to fly the nest and stand on my own two feet for a while? Or whether I should just ignore my friends teasing (they have all moved out and are renting) and stay at home and save up for the next few years?

has anyone experienced similar (either way) and has any advice? Thanks 🙂

OP posts:
1hyuny · 13/01/2023 12:58

Stay at home, save up and buy a place. But don't miss out on 'real life' in the mean time. Meet people, travel, enjoy yourself and don't just stay in with your parents all the time.

Justcallmebebes · 13/01/2023 12:59

If everybody is happy and the arrangement works then I would stay put and save for your own place in the future. You're still pretty young.

I think when people talk about adult children moving out, it's usually because the arrangement is not working. Yours is, everybody is happy so I don't see the problem. You're actually very lucky

Nevermind31 · 13/01/2023 13:00

If you are comfortable stay were you are. Just behave like an adult and do your share of chores.
you may meet someone who you might want to move in with before your five years are up, you might feel the need to move out in a couple of years time.

7Worfs · 13/01/2023 13:01

That’s a tough one in this climate… I moved out at 18 for uni and it’s great for independence and learning how to run a household. On the other hand, being trapped in renting well into your 30s isn’t great either.

On balance, I’d stay put and be extremely frugal so that I have the deposit ASAP. And start contributing more with household stuff to develop the skills.

(Unless you have good friends you can house share with for cheap - that’s worth moving out for).

TabithaTittlemouse · 13/01/2023 13:02

If it’s working then stay and save. Your parents sound lovely and very sensible.

NotSorry · 13/01/2023 13:02

My nearly 25 y/o dc is only just moving out, I still have 2 other 20-somethings here - I’ve never pressured them to go, go when you’re ready

Peridot1 · 13/01/2023 13:03

Stay where you are if it works for everyone. Which it seems to.

I am Irish and a lot older than you and it was much more common for all my friends and family to do what you are doing. I know these days more people like to move out early but with house prices as they are now it really makes sense to stay and save as much as you can.

SchrodingersKettle · 13/01/2023 13:04

the teasing will be on the other side of your friend’s faces when you have your deposit together!

stay with your lovely family for now. Plenty of years ahead of you… surely your friends also moan about how crap it is renting … moving out means bills and hassle and poverty!

Original poster
unsureandconfusedhelp · 13/01/2023 13:05

Peridot1 · 13/01/2023 13:03

Stay where you are if it works for everyone. Which it seems to.

I am Irish and a lot older than you and it was much more common for all my friends and family to do what you are doing. I know these days more people like to move out early but with house prices as they are now it really makes sense to stay and save as much as you can.

That’s interesting, maybe it’s a cultural thing. I’ve had to accept a 0% chance of ever living comfortably in Dublin- I could sell my kidney and live at home for 40 years and doubt I’d be able to afford it!

OP posts:
Original poster
unsureandconfusedhelp · 13/01/2023 13:06

NotSorry · 13/01/2023 13:02

My nearly 25 y/o dc is only just moving out, I still have 2 other 20-somethings here - I’ve never pressured them to go, go when you’re ready

It’s so nice to read that there are other 20-something- year olds still at home- I was feeling like the odd one out!

OP posts:
Wilkolampshade · 13/01/2023 13:08

If you're happy and they're happy just stay! Save like a bastard though and/or pay your parents a regular rent so when you apply for a mortgage they can see you are credit worthy.
You'll know when it's time to go.

My two are 21 and 23 - they boomerang to and fro between rentals nd home. That's cool, it's (almost) always nice to see them...

ILoveMyUGLYKids · 13/01/2023 13:09

stayyyyyyy

Wilkolampshade · 13/01/2023 13:15

... Oh, and we're all in London OP, so buying even a studio flat is a distant dream...
However, in my DD 's first year, (well 14 months) out of uni she managed to save 19k. She worked two jobs mind, the graduate one Mon - Fri and a Saturday retail one on top. She's renting atm but when that contract ends she' ll be back for a bit... Really looking forward to it!

BadgeronaMoped · 13/01/2023 13:19

My youngest sister did that, owns her own home now. It's very individual, I moved back for 3 months after I finished university, and I couldn't stand it, I like my own space, so I rented a flat with my boyfriend and never moved back. I get on better with my parents when we're not living together. If you're hpoy and they're happy then stay put and save (renting is generally pretty shit).

SilverHydrangea · 13/01/2023 13:21

If it's working for everyone than stay put. But make sure you make the most of the opportunity to save as much as you can while you have no rent/bills and pull your weight at home.

1hyuny · 13/01/2023 13:23

Wilkolampshade · 13/01/2023 13:08

If you're happy and they're happy just stay! Save like a bastard though and/or pay your parents a regular rent so when you apply for a mortgage they can see you are credit worthy.
You'll know when it's time to go.

My two are 21 and 23 - they boomerang to and fro between rentals nd home. That's cool, it's (almost) always nice to see them...

Paying your parents rent would have absolutely no bearing on a mortgage application 🤣

Flamingogirl08 · 13/01/2023 13:26

Stay, I moved out at a young age and wasted so much money on rent, in my 30s now and only really just got back on track and about to buy. Honestly if it's an option stay and save and you'll be set for life.

Peridot1 · 13/01/2023 13:27

@unsureandconfusedhelp - yes Dublin prices are crazy! I really worry for my nieces and nephews. Can’t see how any of them will afford to buy.

Geekydeaky · 13/01/2023 13:30

I lived at home until 26, I'm like you, I have a really close lovely relationship with my parents. My dad works shifts so my mum loved the company and they loved me cooking tea as my mum works late. My partner even moved in for a year and they never accepted any rent.

You're incredibly lucky, save your butt off but go out enjoy yourself and see the world when you can. I now have an old house with a never ending list of things that need doing and two little girls but I've done all my partying and holidays when I was younger and had the disposable income! Make the most of it!

ThirtyThreeTrees · 13/01/2023 13:31

It's very much the norm in Dublin fir people in their 20s to still live at hone gugen the expense of rent & the accommodation shortage.

You don't need to move out to learn life lessons etc. There's a big difference between someone living at one where dinner is cooked for them, all washing & cleaning done etc. and totally living the dame way as they were when they were a teenager but if you're doing your bit to contribute to the overall household in non monetary ways, I think you would be mad to move out when the situation is working so well for you all & it gives you the opportunity to save.

humpty74 · 13/01/2023 13:33

The only "skills" I gained by moving into a shared house were yelling at the student flat upstairs for having all night parties, arguing with housemates who never washed up or cleaned and used my food and spending hours on the phone to useless landlords that didn't fix anything.
If you are all happy with you there then definitely stay, your parents are most likely going to be way more civilised to live with than housemates.

wowwhydoesmybackhurtwaaah · 13/01/2023 13:36

It's the norm outside of Dublin too.

OP, just learn all those skills at home! Be a proper adult there...be aware of and help out with bills, do food shopping, cook for everyone, clean and do maintenance etc. If they realluy won't accept any money, maybe set up a few charity donations and/or volunteer some time for a good cause.

You don't have to be a perpetual child just because you still live at home. It's a choice.

CitronVert22 · 13/01/2023 13:37

Stay for now, but probably worth having a talk with your parents about making sure you learn some of the things they have to do running the house. Are you making meals, helping with DIY jobs etc? Did you move out for university? That will have helped independence if you did.

Toomanysleepycats · 13/01/2023 13:40

If you are worried about being able to stand on your own two feet, you could ask your parents to show/explain how they sort their mortgage, pay bills, choose insurance, budget meals etc.

But most people learn to do this as they go along. These days with properties being so expensive, I don’t think people think twice about children in their twenties living at home. If you were 48, then …… yeah.

Stay at home and save, but don’t be a hermit and miss out on normal socialising either.

Hadjab · 13/01/2023 13:47

I moved out at 28, when my husband and I bought our house. Up until that point, there was no need to go anywhere. I lived with my mum and sisters in a very popular part of London, with great transport links. We all contributed to the running costs, and I learned all the skills I needed for running a home. My three kids, two grandchildren and daughter's partner all still live at home with me. I'm in no rush to kick them out, and they are in no rush to leave, as they can save more for deposits. They all contribute to the running costs and all know how to cook, clean, etc. It works brilliantly for us, as we are a close family. Ignore your friends, society and Mumsnet, and do what's right for you.