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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What should i do? Should I move out?

65 replies

unsureandconfusedhelp · 13/01/2023 12:53

Posting because I have no idea what to do! Any advice or perspective would be gratefully appreciated.

im 23 and still live at home with my parents. It works for everyone- I like it here and they said they like the company (i believe them when they say that, I don’t think they’re lying lol). We’re close as a family so we actually spend a lot of time together too. Im the youngest and last to move out. My siblings stayed at home for as long as they could - older than me - basically until they were out of uni, earning a good wage, and had a decent deposit saved up for a house.

ive just started my graduate job after university and am not making great money as im at the beginning of the career, but the salary in this profession rises quite quickly once you’ve had a few years experience so in a few years I should hopefully have a good salary. My plan was to stay at home for the next 2-5 years, save up like mad for a house deposit. I like being at home and my parents apparently like having me so it works for everyone. They’re in a good position financially and absolutely will not accept rent or money from me- I’ve tried transferring it and they just send it back over and will not accept it. They didn’t accept it from my siblings so won’t accept it from me, they said all they want is for me to work hard and save up so I can have the security of owning a flat/house etc especially with how unpredictable the market and renting can be.

i know on a practical level it would be sensible to stay at home and save up and im very fortunate and grateful to have the opportunity to do it. But I’ve seen so many posts here saying that it’s better to move out earlier than what I’ll be (27/28+) and that you get so many skills by moving out. I could to move out right now but not comfortably IYSWIM, and it would take a lot longer to save up for a deposit. But would I be a better all rounded person if I was independent and moved out? Saving money isn’t everything and I don’t know if it would be better to fly the nest and stand on my own two feet for a while? Or whether I should just ignore my friends teasing (they have all moved out and are renting) and stay at home and save up for the next few years?

has anyone experienced similar (either way) and has any advice? Thanks 🙂

OP posts:
Branster · 13/01/2023 13:53

OP there is hardly any skill in running a household. It's common sense. You learn as you go on. Don't make that the reason to move out because you'd miss out on responsibility of living on your own.
Simply get involved in helping your parents with the odd or regular chores, trips to the tip, food shopping, cooking, visits to the vet, changing lightbulbs, some gardening, cleaning the BBQ, washing, ironing, changing beds, hoovering, dusting etc etc. You will learn how to do these things by doing them.
Don't waste such a good position.
Your parents are happy to have you with them and are helping you to get your own place in a very sensible way.
Save all the money you can, get a weekend or occasional job as and when you can to increase your savings and you'll be OK.
I wouldn't dream of letting my children wasting their wages on renting.
Your friends making comments are showing to be slightly immature if they are making you feel silly.

Set a monthly budget for socialising and travelling though, at your age you need to enjoy life.

moose62 · 13/01/2023 13:55

My children both moved out but found they really weren't able to save, despite having good jobs. They have both moved back in and are saving like mad. We all get on well and laid out the new ground rules for 4 adults all living together. They do their own washing, room cleaning and each cook for all of us once a week. It works well. They live independent lives and save at the same time.

Wilkolampshade · 13/01/2023 14:16

@1hyuny no, 😂 sorry, yr right of course. It's the saving I meant.

toocold54 · 13/01/2023 14:34

Did you live elsewhere for uni?

I would actually encourage you to move out, even if it’s just a year max.

I moved out at a very young age and I think it was such a great experience and I will encourage my DD to do the same, even if she moves back 6 months later.

If you aren’t planning to move out until 28 then there’s a chance you could be in a LTR and looking to have a child soon.
It’s never a good idea to go from your parents house and then to sharing with your partner, as you need to learn to be independent.

I think it’s a great idea to stay at home and save for a house deposit.
But I would encourage you to move out temporarily while you’re still quite young just to learn to live independently and to have the fun experience.

PollyPut · 13/01/2023 14:42

Stay home, save your money. You are lucky that you don't have to move for your job

bonzaitree · 13/01/2023 15:20

Stay and save. Future you will be thankful!

If you feel guilty about rent then “pay” your parents by doing tasks for them.

Clean the bathrooms / cars. Make them dinner and cakes. Paint a room that’s looking shabby. You know what I mean!

Just make sure you do hobbies / get out with friends etc. you’re only young once!

Summerlark · 13/01/2023 15:28

You'd be mad to move out. I had to move cities at 22 for work and it was no fun paying high rent and knowing nobody. The ability to save money by staying at home for a few more years is a real benefit. Whatever you need to learn about life skills being on your own you can learn as easily at 27 as at 23. My son is 24 and he was at university in another city but now he's working back in his home city, he has wasted no time in moving back in.

Bonbon21 · 14/01/2023 15:41

If everybody concerned is happy then stay.
Save hard for a deposit but also open a pension.. just a small regular amount which will accumulate over the next few decades... you will barely notice the direct debit on a monthly basis but it WILL make a huge difference when you are thinking about retirement in your 60's.
Good Luck!

Mindymomo · 14/01/2023 15:48

My two sons are still at home, one single and the other has an on/off gf. Renting around here is really expensive on their own and they’ve got no wish to share. Prices of houses/flats are also way out of their league, but they continue to save. It works most of the time, luckily they both go out to work in the week, otherwise we would go crazy then being here all the time.

Haribosweets · 14/01/2023 15:50

If you are happy at home and your parents do not restict you from doing things I would stay until you have saved what you need. Despite being early 20s my parents were very very strict, wouldn't let me go out, had to ask permission etc I ended up renting. It meant it took longer to buy but was the best thing moving out and to have my life

LordSugarTits · 14/01/2023 15:51

Stay. And when your friends laugh at you ask them how much they've saved towards actually owning a home.

Nanny0gg · 14/01/2023 16:00

Do you share household chores/cooking or are you waited on?

Do you have a good social life? What would be the situation if you had a steady boyfriend?

If all those situations work, stay put!

nickelbabe · 14/01/2023 16:00

Definitely stay as long as you can to increase your savings!
Rent sucks your money away.

EmptyWineGlass · 14/01/2023 16:08

ABSOLUTELY MOVE OUT. I'm so glad to have a chance to voice this opinion because I really believe in it!!!

You only live once, you're only in your twenties for a short amount of time - enjoy the freedom to meet new people, travel, take a job anywhere in the country... If you're single and child free in your twenties, the world is your absolute oyster - you can go anywhere, with anyone, do anything in a way that you just can't as soon as you have mortgage, another half or children.

Also I agree that you learn heaps, especially if you rent and house share. I learnt loads, I needed a lot of life lessons to help me grow up! It really opens your mind to the different ways of living - different ways of cooking, different approaches to housework, lifestyle choices, different takes on what counts as good/bad manners, politics even. You learn things about yourself that you wouldn't living with family.

I've lived alone, with just women, with just men, with a young family and with boyfriends. It made into the person I am now just as much (if not more) than any job ever did.

AnotherFamilyUpset · 14/01/2023 16:11

I think there's a big difference to older children living at home and mum/dad still sorting out their whole life. This might be what your friends are thinking. If you're doing your own laundry, cleaning, making meals and generally sorting out your own life while you're living at home, then you're already getting these skills.

Stay at home and save furiously.

Lilyhatesjaz · 14/01/2023 16:12

I have a similar happy arrangement with my 24 year old. I would happily have my youngest at home too but they work to far away to make it practical

EmptyWineGlass · 14/01/2023 16:14

Ps I also think that it does no harm to rent for a few years before thinking about mortgages. There's no rush to tie yourself down and a mortgage is only a tiny bit cheaper than rent.

I didn't get a mortgage until my 30s and I always worked fairly low wage jobs - 12-15k. I managed to always rent in a safe area and live a nice life. But I had v low outgoings - was worth it.

BeverlyHa · 14/01/2023 16:15

You have a beautiful life, loving family. You are working , this in itself is a real life. Don't move forced by just opinions. The friends won't pay your mortgage.

Confusion101 · 14/01/2023 16:17

Stay at home! You will be paying bills and a mortgage or rent for long enough of your life. Save and make it easier on yourself in the long run, especially seeing as everyone is happy. The fact you are concious of becoming a well rounded person means you won't become an entitled spoilt lazy brat unable to fend for themselves like some adults do so I wouldn't worry about it.

amonsteronthehill · 14/01/2023 16:39

Only in the west are children pushed out of many homes when they're still teenagers or as quickly as possible thereafter.

Mossstitch · 14/01/2023 16:42

I have three sons, the youngest any of them moved out was 27 and that was due to work. They are all really sensible with money, save loads and perfectly capable of all life admin, cooking ect when they did move........ I have a confession, the youngest is still with me and he's an NHS worker in his early 30s, works for us😂

Waspsnbees · 14/01/2023 16:44

Stay at home!!!
I left to go to uni at 18, then got a job miles from home and rented a room with strangers, then moved abroad at 24 and lived with strangers/partner renting.
It would’ve been sooooo much easier financially to live at home. I didn’t do anything renting with friends/strangers/partners that I couldn’t have done living at home.
when you buy your own house you’ll quickly learn about bills etc. it’s not hard. And does it matter whether you learn that stuff at 23 or 28? No.

HMW1906 · 14/01/2023 16:52

My husband lived at home with his parents until he was 27. He’s a well rounded individual (or I wouldn’t have married him). He was very spoilt whilst living at home too in that his mum still did most of his cooking, cleaning, laundry for him but he soon learnt when he moved out (or again I wouldn’t have married him). He’s much better at budgeting and saving money than I am and he had a decent house deposit when he moved out. I think it was the right decision for him at the time and I know he doesn’t regret it.

I, on the other hand, moved out at 18 for uni, stayed living 1.5 hours away after finishing uni so had to rent then moved to a job where I was working away for 4
months at a time then home (at my parents) for 6 weeks. I am terrible at budgeting, rubbish at saving money and still have some debt to pay off from this time. I did manage to buy a house with a minimal deposit so it doable but having the bigger deposit would’ve been far more sensible.

I’d say stick to your current plan if it works for you and your family, if I had my time again I’d probably do things differently.

pishkashante · 14/01/2023 17:28

Stay at home. I lived at home until 32, saved a lot of money for a deposit and bought a £500k house with a mortgage.

There’s no way I’d have been able to do that in a houseshare.

However, I did pay ‘rent’ of £250pm.

Fair enough if your parents don’t want rent, but you should contribute with food, and ask to take on a bills or bills. Maybe the broadband and TV bill amd TV license?

krustykittens · 14/01/2023 18:04

My daughter is 21, OP, in her last year of Uni and she is staying until she has a healthy deposit saved for her own place. She more than pulls her weight by helping with the cooking, cleaning and DIY. Once she starts bringing in a full time wage, I will charge her rent that goes into a savings account for her and she will have to pay her own living expenses such as car, mobile etc. I figure this way she will learn those life lessons. If she pays rent, she will never be able to get a deposit together. Also, we love her being here. She has grown up into a lovely person so I am going to treasure the time I have left with her until she has a family of her own taking up all her time! Luckily, we live in rural Scotland, so buying her own place is within her reach on her own. Dublin is insane! We used to live there and it seems like things are reaching crisis point again.