To have snapped at colleague

[Ididnthityouharold]

Well I didn't shout or anything, just told him firmly. I've posted here previously and been told that he's mansplaining, but sadly the situation hasn't improved and it's getting me down.
It's a care home I used to work in and I've recently returned in the last couple of weeks. Granted a lot of the residents are new as to be expected, but I've gotten to grips with learning new names, needs and likes etc. Now which is great.
I don't claim to be absolutely perfect at it, nobody is, but surely the manager wouldn't have hired me again if I were bad and I'd have had complaints from here and other homes.
This man started a few months ago, I think some of this may be a language barrier to an extent too. Last week it was constant "You're new, you're a learner, you're new."
Our paperwork is relatively straightforward to fill out, I initial it so if I'd been doing something wrong I'd have surely had comments now, but honestly it's relatively foolproof. However sometimes when I'm doing mine he'll hover over me watching and ask "Did you put X?" Twice. I always tell him clearly "Yes, I did."
Care work is hard but it doesn't really change. There's no revolutionary new way to change someone's pad or to wash them. I'm sick of hearing "Right, this is what you do now, this is what we're going to do, this is how you do X."
I KNOW. Yesterday, he tried to tell me how to put a towel down. I just told him, 'Yes, I already know how to." And he went, "You know?."
It's just the constant rude, patronising "no no no, wait wait, I'll do it/let me do it."
"make sure he doesn't fall off the bed."
I'm not going to let somebody fall off the bed, I've successfully managed not to in 2 years.

When I'm changing someone: "Slowly, Slowly, gently."
I'm hardly going to rip someone's clothes off them.
Last night I'd had enough and I told him "It's ok, you really don't need to tell me everything to do."
Our resident who has capacity actually agreed and told him "Yeah, she's no stranger to this, she's already worked here you know!"

He's nice otherwise but I'm starting to feel gaslighted and like I'm rubbish at my job. I am totally open to guidance e.g. "Margaret prefers X way of being changed." Etc. But that's not what he's doing. Other carers there seem to trust me. They might say "can you help me change John" or whatever but not talk to me like I'm an idiot.

I often just smile, nod and grit my teeth but I've told him several times that I don't need constant mentoring from him.
It's a shame as he's nice otherwise, I do think it's just his way though.
The other night he was telling me how to do a theory test and how to do driving lessons. I didn't ask for his help on any of it, I did my bloody theory in 2009.

I actually really enjoy the job apert from him. I also have a problem with the way he speaks to residents sometimes. Very patronising and rude.
Last night a man simply asked "Can I have my shower now?" The colleague started saying, "It's not all about you, you're not the only person here, that's not how it works." So I defended him. So rude and unnecessary. Him and another resident with capacity have told me they don't want him caring for them. I haven't passed it on as I felt unfair to him but I can see why.

Is he from a country that doesn’t see women as competent? In much of the middle east men see women as kind of like children, in need of constant instructions and guidance. John sounds like a lot of men I met out there.

I think you need to be clear with him.
”John, can I have a word with you? I like working with you, but there is a problem. The problem is you are constantly giving me advice and instructions. This is not needed and is becoming extremely irritating. I have worked here before and the job is not difficult. If I need help I will ask for it from the manager. But please stop telling me what to do because it is disrespectful, undermines me in front of customers and it is not how things are done here.”

Has he been told by a manager or similar that you have experience?

If there is a language barrier and he's been told you were starting work there, he may have interpreted that as your were new to the role not that you were returning in this facility.

He may think he's supporting you in learning a new job 🤷🏻

Or he could just be an arse.

Eitherway, I'd speak to a line manager or similar and say he either needs to be told you know what you're doing (you aren't a trainee) or that you know what your doing and he needs to stop mansplaining.

I don't want to say which country he's from without being accused of racism or anything :/

He knows from me and other staff that I've worked there before, that information isn't new to him.

Maybe he does think he's supporting me and being helpful, when we're on the floor he's generally nice and friendly. I'm worried about speaking to management as I don't want to come across as a troublemaker.

You didn't snap, I think you were relatively polite.

Do you have a mutual manager? I would redirect to the manager to explain to him that you're competent and don't need a hand hold (and if the constant directions continue then you'll have to take it further)

Don't take it up with him directly FFS. He already sees you as someone who needs to be told what to do. He's not going to entertain pushback from you.

It's when we do the 'doubles' it's the constant 'no no no no' 'wait wait wait' sooo rude and patronising. I don't have this from any other carer

Funnily it's usually me who does the doubles with him even though there are 2 other carers available. Maybe they don't want to work with him knowing what he's like.

“John, I am a professional with years of experience. I don’t appreciate being micromanaged by a coworker.”

He seems to think he’s a manager of some sort, and needs to back off.

You were wrong to say what you did in front of a resident.

I can be quiet and lack assertiveness so maybe he's seen me as someone he feels he can boss about. The saving grace is that I'm starting as a senior soon so he won't be able to anymore plus I'll rarely be on shift with him! But still will sometimes.
In our meeting the manager complained about how some carers are speaking to residents and I thought of him immediately

I don't think I said anything rude, I was just firm.

WTF?

You haven't passed it on? IT IS YOUR DUTY TO PASS THIS ON.
Why are you worrying about unfairness to this man -but allowing his to get away with being unfair to residents?
Please keep a log of his inappropriate interactions with residents, & report asap.

Back to your own problem - I'm glad you snapped at mansplainer, & suggest, going forward, that you do a lot more of it. I suggest the "Broken Record technique" - you choose just one phrase, & repeat it ad infinitum.
Something like "stop telling me how to do my job" would do.
He'll soon get the message.

In short - you need to be way more assertive in your workplace, & you need to PROTECT YOUR RESIDENTS from verbal abuse. This man is not the right stuff for the job, keep a firm eye on him, & document his behaviour.

I'm worried about speaking to management as I don't want to come across as a troublemaker.

Oh that's ok then, just forget all about the residents' discomfort.

Obviously it's FINE for you to ignore the two separate appeals you've had for John not to be their carer anymore. Who do these residents think they are - are their needs really more important than you being too much of a wet lettuce to speak up for them & call out poor staff behaviour?

”I often just smile, nod and grit my teeth“
^
maybe you need to start being more blunt and direct. “Stop telling me how to do my job. I don’t need advice from you”. Maybe as he’s so blunt he would respond for more direct blunt communication.

I had a colleague who was similar, very nice but consult had a rude/patronising tone. I do think it was partly cultural with her as several other people I met from the same country were the same. Just very direct and blunt language:

If you are stepping into Senior shoes you need to work on your assertiveness.
Buy yourself a present - www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

You are mistaken in thinking that your new status will protect you from this man bossing you about. A title won't do that job for you - you need to do it yourself. See link above.

Your manager just gave you a perfect opportunity to highlight concerns.
Can you not see that her comment was an active invitation to discuss carer attitudes & your concerns?
I would be VERY disappointed in you if I later discovered that you have been sitting on information which management needed to know about. It would make me question why I had promoted you.
Part of your role is SAFEGUARDING. Stop worrying about Mr Bossyboots & start doing your job.

You absolutely do need to speak up to your manager here. How can you defend the residents who are relying on you if you don't?

This man is patronising to you and rude to residents, as evidenced by the shower incident and by those who have said they don't want him caring for them. He may well be in the wrong job.

Yes you're right, I do need to report that asap.

Does he do this to other staff or just to you?

It's best not to snap at colleagues however irritating they are. I work in the NHS so yes we get that a lot. It's better to go to your line manager and express your concerns about his attitude to you and the residents and get them to sort it out. That's what they are there for.

I think a sharp word is required.

Say to him (outside hearing of the resident) “John I know very well what to do. Please stop telling me. If I have a question I will ask you. I don’t want this to get in the way of our working relationship.”

I would repeat this to him again once a shift until he gets the message.

Be polite but blunt. Don’t be overly concerned that this might take him outside his comfort zone. He takes you outside your comfort zone every shift after all and doesn’t give a shit.

Report to your manager that you’re having these conversations.

Look him right in the eye and say "you do it" and walk away.

Meantime get on to your manager and tell them that it must stop. Now.
Start looking for a new job.

Don’t think of it as “mansplaining” or any such nonsense.

Think of it as an unprofessional colleague who is difficult to work with, and act accordingly ie raise with your manager

also tell your manager that for the rest of your time before you move on you don't want to have shifts with him. And defend your residents, they deserve dignity, not that shit he spouted.

Talk about bull in a china shop

why is that bull in a china shop? if he knows better and it would be better for the resident, he can do it. It doesn't have to be loud, it doesn't have to be obtrusive, it just has to be done.

but OP won't anyway because she is a complete pushover and not what the residents need