To have snapped at colleague

[Ididnthityouharold]

Well I didn't shout or anything, just told him firmly. I've posted here previously and been told that he's mansplaining, but sadly the situation hasn't improved and it's getting me down.
It's a care home I used to work in and I've recently returned in the last couple of weeks. Granted a lot of the residents are new as to be expected, but I've gotten to grips with learning new names, needs and likes etc. Now which is great.
I don't claim to be absolutely perfect at it, nobody is, but surely the manager wouldn't have hired me again if I were bad and I'd have had complaints from here and other homes.
This man started a few months ago, I think some of this may be a language barrier to an extent too. Last week it was constant "You're new, you're a learner, you're new."
Our paperwork is relatively straightforward to fill out, I initial it so if I'd been doing something wrong I'd have surely had comments now, but honestly it's relatively foolproof. However sometimes when I'm doing mine he'll hover over me watching and ask "Did you put X?" Twice. I always tell him clearly "Yes, I did."
Care work is hard but it doesn't really change. There's no revolutionary new way to change someone's pad or to wash them. I'm sick of hearing "Right, this is what you do now, this is what we're going to do, this is how you do X."
I KNOW. Yesterday, he tried to tell me how to put a towel down. I just told him, 'Yes, I already know how to." And he went, "You know?."
It's just the constant rude, patronising "no no no, wait wait, I'll do it/let me do it."
"make sure he doesn't fall off the bed."
I'm not going to let somebody fall off the bed, I've successfully managed not to in 2 years.

When I'm changing someone: "Slowly, Slowly, gently."
I'm hardly going to rip someone's clothes off them.
Last night I'd had enough and I told him "It's ok, you really don't need to tell me everything to do."
Our resident who has capacity actually agreed and told him "Yeah, she's no stranger to this, she's already worked here you know!"

He's nice otherwise but I'm starting to feel gaslighted and like I'm rubbish at my job. I am totally open to guidance e.g. "Margaret prefers X way of being changed." Etc. But that's not what he's doing. Other carers there seem to trust me. They might say "can you help me change John" or whatever but not talk to me like I'm an idiot.

I often just smile, nod and grit my teeth but I've told him several times that I don't need constant mentoring from him.
It's a shame as he's nice otherwise, I do think it's just his way though.
The other night he was telling me how to do a theory test and how to do driving lessons. I didn't ask for his help on any of it, I did my bloody theory in 2009.

Leave the resident with someone who the OP says talks disrespectfully to the residents.

Walk away from what you’re meant to be doing because you don’t like the way your colleague is talking to you, potentially leaving the resident and your colleague in difficulty

and start looking for a new job

Bull. China shop.

You obviously don't understand the context. When you are working together changing a client you can't say 'you do it' and walk away. The OP is working with this man, holding onto an adult while they change their dirty pants. Can you imagine the humiliation for the resident? They are being lifted onto a changing table, stripped, wiped and changed. The OP cannot walk away during this process, it would be gross misconduct and she would be fired for leaving a resident in an unsafe situation. What if they rolled off the changing table?

Right down to the learning to drive mansplaining this is exactly the same behaviour of a former colleague of mine.
I’d put money on knowing what culture he’s from- fortunately we were on different teams but I had seniority to him so I fed back very clearly. And again at his exit interview when he left to manage an all women’s team.

Ignore @Brefugee

Walking away from your caring duties and leaving a vulnerable resident would be reckless and negligent

You absolutely need to pass this on.

For your sake and the residents. That is definitely extremely unreasonable!!

But in regards to the "snapping"? No, not at all.

You were not unreasonable imo. Sounds like you were polite and very restrained.

You could have been rather more assertive and still remained polite and professional imo!

Op you can’t be a senior if you can’t bring yourself to speak to a manager about residents not wanting him to provide their care. You’re not respecting their dignity or acknowledging their discomfort. Do something about it. You need to speak up. If you can’t do that, don’t be a senior.

Also to the poster who used the term “changing table”. WTF?! How about “bed”?!

I've had this. In then end I literally just started fake exaggerated yawning and saying "not this again Mike"

it did work!

It's not that he doesn't understand. He wants to be your boss. It gives him an ego boost to tell you how to do things. Don't back down or he'll do it even more.

If residents have expressed to you that they don't want this man caring for them then you should be passing that on to your manager. That may open up discussions higher above about how he is in general.

This. I remember your other thread. Tome to be firm and direct. If it doesn't change, complain to management

It definitely needs addressing (just not in front of the residents).

I remember your post. You've been polite and that hasn't worked. It seems overkill to report to management so I'd be inclined to go down the unprofessional root.
lt sounds to me like he believes hes being helpful or even protective. Either tell him in no uncertain terms to piss off or tell him you're not a princess and don't need a Knight in shining armour to protect you. I think culture may play a part and this will embarrass him particularly if you say "people are noticing how you're treating me lime a princess". OK bit manipulative but subtle isn't working!

A changing table is not a bed. It is a padded table that can raise and lower and is used with a hoist and is usually situated in a bathroom/shower room.

I think you have posted about this before? It's horrible when a colleague is nasty

Anyone wonder whether the OP followed by having”snapped” at her colleague with a fart?

Some people are just like that, usually men (sorry but).

My boss does this. I've worked for him for 5 years using excel templates to analyse data.

If he makes a slight change to the template, rather than saying "I've moved x to y" he'll set up a 2 hour meeting with me and begin with "This is how you use excel", "This is how you use the template", "This is where we keep the data"

I know I've been using it for 5 years, get to the point!!!

Because I've worked with him so long I just tell him straight that he's wasting my time. And he apologises and says "you probably know this but..". Like he knows I know, but he feels he has to explain it anyway, maybe more for his benefit than mine?

After all these years I don't think he thinks I'm crap or stupid, he's just a stone cold mansplainer.

The colleague started saying, "It's not all about you, you're not the only person here, that's not how it works."

Please pass that on.

I would have been heartbroken if my dad had been spoken to like that & the other carer said nothing.

This guy definitely has an attitude problem (just can't accept you are competent despite all evidence that your are). Stand your ground op and deal with it professionally - discuss with manager and don't protect him from the residents complaints, their voices are so small as it is and you sound lovely and respectful which they must be grateful to be able to trust.

This in a nutshell.

And if it doesn’t improve take it higher up.

I think your response has been more than reasonable tbh and if anything you could have pushed back harder.

Wow OP did we used to work with the same guy? (Also care). Good god the description is uncanny. In the end I literally threw a toilet roll at him in anger and I can honestly say I have never behaved in such a way at work. He stopped with his shit after that. I apologised to our resident and informed my manager of the incident. The resident said he deserved it 😂.

Stand firm OP, so so many bullies working in care. I left now before my integrity went even further down the pan. Good luck.

@MissWings did his name begin with D?

Also work in care, I don't think you were rude and were right to be firm. Keep on being firm and just be yourself be confident and take no notice of him. Ignore his comments and get on with the job. He probably is annoying to work with in general and enjoying the fact you're newly back and trying to have a little power trip 🙄

Are you the op @Greengables4 ?

Two people with capacity have said that they don't want to be cared for by him. You have to pass that on. It shouldn't even be a case of getting someone in trouble, people sometimes just don't gel and any care/healthcare situation should be used to accommodating that. You know that residents are in a really vulnerable position and if they have preferences it's your responsibility to advocate for them (as you clearly have been from your post- you sound like a great carer but don't let worries about getting other people in trouble stop you from supporting your residents wishes).

On the basis that you needed mumsnet posters to tell you that he should be reported for the way he treats residents… you are clearly very inexperienced OP