How often should you see someone in a new relationship?

Supernova23 · 2023-01-12T17:01:51+00:00

I have been seeing someone for the last 2 months or so. I am happy with seeing him once a week at the moment, as I work more than full time with very long hours. I also need to make time for my friends, family, and sorting out life admin, the house.....as well as having some quiet time to myself. He seems to hint that this isn't enough but in a pleasant way. He also works full time but does more "normal" hours than me. AIBU? should I be making the effort to see him more than once a week?

MRSDoos · 12/01/2023 17:18

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to see him once a week at the moment whilst your relationship is in the beginning stages.

I didn’t see my (now DH) much more than that at the beginning. I had a normal working hour full time job and his hours were all over the place. He ended up leaving and now has a normal working hour full time job.

You have given a list of people and things you need to make time for, which is understandable but at the same time do you think you’ll be able to see him anymore than once a week in the future as I am assuming you’ll still be needing to make time for these people / these things even if your relationship progresses. If you can’t make time for more than once a week now, will you be able to in 3 months time? Or could it be the fact that the relationship is still fresh and for you right now, you don’t want to make the extra time.

Divebar2021 · 12/01/2023 17:22

It’s entirely up to you obviously but personally that would not be enough for me so I understand where he’s coming from.

FairyLightAddict · 12/01/2023 17:24

It wouldn't be enough for me but everyone is different 🤷‍♀️

Merryoldgoat · 12/01/2023 17:26

if I was single with no children (I’m assuming that’s your situation as you haven’t mentioned children) I would want to see a boyfriend more than once a week.

Original poster

Supernova23 · 12/01/2023 17:34

For context I'm out of the house for work including commuting times for roughly 50-64 hours a week. I do want a relationship and eventually children and he ticks a lot of the boxes but as you can see I am time pushed. I want to have more time but I've so exhausted even on days off I'm not always in the mood for "more" than I'm giving.

OP posts:

PrincessConstance · 12/01/2023 17:36

We saw each other 3-4 times a week, went on holiday after 2 months, then after that, we knew we couldn't be apart. So we moved in together.

Cyberworrier · 12/01/2023 17:51

This is interesting OP, I’ve been wondering about this. I am in a slightly complicated situation as have ended up in a new relationship far sooner than expected after a break up with alcoholic husband last summer. I’ve been seeing new boyfriend for four months, we generally see each other once a week, sometimes twice- I do wonder what the progression will be… how do you go from dates once a week to moving in together, for instance?! Obviously it’s early days for me and I’m being deliberately fairly cautious/slow because of my personal circumstances. But I do find it interesting! I’m in my mid thirties and no children (but a busy job and lots of life admin to sort gah).

herbaltea21 · 12/01/2023 17:55

I think everyone so different and you just have to figure out what works for you.
I've been single for almost 3 years now and I have 2 young children.
I often pine after a relationship, I'd love someone to love me and I love them and have someone to share things with.
But at the same time I just have no time to give... maybe that's because I'm used to being on my own and I need the space.
But I don't think I could commit now, I would feel overwhelmed.
Just have a think about what makes you happy and how much you can take on and see if it matches him.

PoTayToes80 · 12/01/2023 17:58

Hey @Supernova23 I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable but it sounds like you both have different expectations.

I also wonder if you were genuinely excited about him whether you’d be up for seeing him more often? You don’t sound very excited and if I wasn’t excited by someone at 2 months I’d probably be moving on, especially if they wanted more that I didn’t want to give.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 12/01/2023 18:02

I used to see my partner one night in the week for dinner and then stay at his Saturday night going home Sunday tea time then it was Friday and Saturday night then Sunday night aw well and then we moved in together

SpinningFloppa · 12/01/2023 18:04

Wouldn’t be enough for me

Susanthehappytrottingelf · 12/01/2023 18:05

For me it would depend on what that once a week is like - if it's a post work dinner and then off to work the next morning, that's not a lot, if it's dinner on Friday then most of Saturday, fine

PrincessConstance · 12/01/2023 18:12

Cyberworrier · 12/01/2023 17:51

This is interesting OP, I’ve been wondering about this. I am in a slightly complicated situation as have ended up in a new relationship far sooner than expected after a break up with alcoholic husband last summer. I’ve been seeing new boyfriend for four months, we generally see each other once a week, sometimes twice- I do wonder what the progression will be… how do you go from dates once a week to moving in together, for instance?! Obviously it’s early days for me and I’m being deliberately fairly cautious/slow because of my personal circumstances. But I do find it interesting! I’m in my mid thirties and no children (but a busy job and lots of life admin to sort gah).

We had this electric shock chemistry. If were weren't having sex we were talking all night. He booked a 4-day holiday and knew we had to move in.
So we did.
All within 3-4 months.

Bananalanacake · 12/01/2023 18:14

I go for once or twice a week, anymore to me is suffocating, I still have my friends and hobbies and I need time to myself. Moving in does not happen for a good few years, if at all, you don't have to live with someone you are in a relationship with.

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/01/2023 18:15

I think it’s fine. You’ve got loads of other stuff in your life which is a great position to be in and you should never feel pressured by someone into changing your life to fit their needs.

It also makes me he may have needy or controlling tendencies if he is pushing you faster than you are ready. I’d keep an eye on this tbh. Nothing worse than a needy bloke.

mondaytosunday · 12/01/2023 18:19

My husband travelled a lot for his job, had his kids every other weekend, worked very long hours. After the first two weeks he would come over even if for only an hour, because he wanted to see me. He was early 40s then.
If your level of interest is that once a week is all you want then fine, but I'd be thinking you were just happy to keep it at a 'dating' level indefinitely.

SleeplessInEngland · 12/01/2023 18:21

It also makes me he may have needy or controlling tendencies

Oh FFS. The use of the word ‘controlling’ on this site is, well, out of control.

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/01/2023 18:27

@SleeplessInEngland

The use of the word ‘controlling’ on this site is, well, out of control.

Sorry but having some bloke I have known for a few minutes trying to encroach really quickly on my life, work and friendships seems really needy and red flaggy to me.

If he’s a keeper he will respect her boundaries and like the fact she has an independent life. If he’s trying to dictate how she spends her free time he doesn’t have her best interests at heart.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 12/01/2023 18:30

There is no 'should', it's whatever suits both of you or a comfortable compromise.

I sometimes see my long term partner for 3 or 4 days of the week, sometimes it's 2 or 3 weeks between meetings. We're both comfortable with that and it's of no consequence what anyone else thinks or does.

Merryoldgoat · 12/01/2023 18:31

There is nothing controlling about wanting to see a boyfriend/girlfriend more than once a week but it’s fine if you don’t.

but if my (now) DH, when dating worked 60 hours a week, was knackered from work all the time and only wanted to meet up once a week it would not be the relationship for me.

SleeplessInEngland · 12/01/2023 18:32

Sorry but having some bloke I have known for a few minutes trying to encroach really quickly on my life, work and friendships seems really needy and red flaggy to me.

It’s been two months, the op says he mentioned it ‘in a pleasant way’ and it seems many posters on here agree with him.

So no, you aren’t using the word correctly, and it’s a shame that a once-useful term has been so debased.

PrincessConstance · 12/01/2023 18:34

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/01/2023 18:27

@SleeplessInEngland

The use of the word ‘controlling’ on this site is, well, out of control.

Sorry but having some bloke I have known for a few minutes trying to encroach really quickly on my life, work and friendships seems really needy and red flaggy to me.

If he’s a keeper he will respect her boundaries and like the fact she has an independent life. If he’s trying to dictate how she spends her free time he doesn’t have her best interests at heart.

He's hinted in a polite way he'd like to see the op more than once per week. Hardly controlling.

RosesAndHellebores · 12/01/2023 18:34

I am out of date op but for the two lives of my life, we saw each other every day after very few dates.

DH and I had a date in mid Feb, I had a business trip, we saw each other when I got back, theatre then dinner. From that day we have only been apart for business trips, hospital stays, parent care, etc. Our 2nd date was nearly 35 years ago. We just wanted to be together.

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/01/2023 18:37

@SleeplessInEngland

Two months is nothing in the scope of a relationship. He’s still on his best behaviour and of course he’s going to ask “pleasantly”.

The OP doesn’t really know him from Adam and she absolutely shouldn’t be putting his wants (which probably mainly down to sex) ahead of her job, her routine and her established network of people she trusts.

He can wait for it.

Original poster

Supernova23 · 12/01/2023 18:38

See the seeing someone multiple times a week wouldn't work for me at the moment. In theory I'd like to but have to much going on and also need some me time on my own. I work in a people heavy job (A&E, which is sheer hell at the moment) and do need time to decompress.

I wonder if booking a long weekend away with him would be a good idea.

OP posts: