How often should you see someone in a new relationship?

[Supernova23]

I have been seeing someone for the last 2 months or so. I am happy with seeing him once a week at the moment, as I work more than full time with very long hours. I also need to make time for my friends, family, and sorting out life admin, the house.....as well as having some quiet time to myself.

He seems to hint that this isn't enough but in a pleasant way. He also works full time but does more "normal" hours than me. AIBU? should I be making the effort to see him more than once a week?

You just don’t sound that into him tbh. At the early stages I would have thought you would want to be ripping his clothes off way more than once a week..

If you’ve magically discerned he’s that terrible you should be advising the op to break up with him straight away, never-mind stick to once a week.

I've been seeing dp for 2 years and we still get together once a week, though it's for between 24 and 36 hours. It's increasingly hard to be apart so much but it also still suits us. There's an enjoyable aspect to missing him - I've never missed anyone before.

If you’re really into him and know you’d like a longer term relationship with him, could you perhaps incorporate some of your friends/family time with him. Kill two birds and all that..

@SleeplessInEngland

I’m not saying he’s terrible. I’m saying it’s never a good idea to prioritise the whims of a new partner over your needs, your friends and your instincts.

The OP has made it clear this isn’t what she wants at this early point and I think she’s right.

Once a week would be enough for me. It's about the quality of the time that you spend together rather than the quantity.

I have hobbies, friends, interests, life admin etc, and sometimes I want to just chill out on my own, have a bath and read a book. It would do my head in to be with someone who had no life outside of seeing me.

I have 3 kids and am a lone parent. We see each other once in the week and all day Saturday to Sunday lunch. Obviously we see more of each other if we have other plans and we go away together regularly. Whilst I have children at home this is enough as I don’t plan to blend families. Been together 2.5 years.

Exactly. So stifling. Urgh.

If you meet someone and you just KNOW, you don’t need ‘me’ time.. you need ‘us’ time. That might be being together, it might be texting or FaceTime. It’s wonderful 💕. IYKYK

I don’t know. As when I met my partner (now H) we did anything really to see eachother even if only for an hour or whatever. And we both worked and I had children. Obviously I still made time for me and house or whatever 🤷🏻‍♀️😆But at first it’s so lusty on both sides I don’t think once a week would be enough.

i loved the excitement of those first few months before it developed into something deeper.

Doesn’t sound like you are THAT into him.

I often get messages asking to meet up after work. I’m not home from work until 21:00, and would need to shower, change, and then go out again. After a 13 hour shift, that is not going to happen. I know he means well but then I feel like the bad one, when he knows full well I don’t want to go out after a 13 hour shift.

I couldn’t disagree more with this. Strong and healthy relationships depend on people keeping something of themselves intact and getting swallowed up in “us”.

This is a high road to dependency and claustrophobia.

Keep the “me” OP. You never know when you want it back.

I actually do really like him. I fancy him and he ticks most of my boxes. I am also at the point now where I really need to settle as I would like to have children in the next few years. But I don’t know if our expectations match at this point I guess. Baring in mind I’ve only been seeing him since November.

Yes. I think a big problem with me is that I am financially independent and personally very independent. I am the opposite of needy. I am social and love good company, but also really need my own space.

Rubbish. That sounds like a total nightmare to me. I would be utterly suffocated

How would a relationship be able to progress, given your current schedule? I.e. if in the future you moved in with a partner, there would have to be something in-between seeing someone once a week, and them moving in. I sounds like he feels like he likes you enough that he wants to move to that next step.

@Supernova23 you do you. You sound like a strong and independent person with good boundaries and instincts and you're in the best possible position to have a good relationship but while maintaining your own identity. It sounds like a good recipe for life tbh.

I am a firm believer that good relationships depend on maintaining a strong sense of self and not getting swallowed up in the relationship. He sounds like a fundamentally decent bloke as far as you can tell but don't let him push you to go faster than you want to go and don't ignore your instincts.

Well obviously it levels out. 🤷‍♀️. Anyway.. here we are, 30 years later.

When I was in my 20s and 30s I was always out of the house for a minimum of 60+ hours per week including commuting, I thought it was quite normal really. I would definitely have wanted to see a boyfriend more than once a week and would easily manage to do so.

Of course you should not have to see him more than you want to, but equally he can decide that it isn’t right for him either. I would not waste my time on somebody that couldn’t make more time for me.

That last line would have me walking away permanently.
He knows you don't want to go out but he still asks anyway, making you feel guilty.
Nope, nope and thrice nope.

If you've only been seeing him 2 months that's probably 10 dates max so not a long term relationship but I'd sayvhe now qualifies as your boyfriend and I'd be thinking about the next step and seems he does too. For me this would be more about doing 'nothing' together, so Weds evening he comes over but you might well be sitting there in your tracking bottoms folding your laundry and making tomorrow's pack up. I'd also be making plans for a mini break spring or a holiday in the summer. Does that appeal?
That's me though. Do what feels comfortable for you. If the only thing holding you back is your working hours maybe now is the time to think about your work life balance.

I would wonder if you were that into me if you only saw me once a week?

When I met dh we were seeing one another probably once during the week then all weekend by 2 months in - we couldn’t get enough!

As a new relationship I'd be wanting to spend more time with someone. Doesn't sound like you're that in to him. Do you get excited counting down the days until you next see him ?etc etc

You sound very analytical OP - does he gives you butterflies?

If you’ve been seeing each other two months or so then in my experience it’s the best time when you want to see each other as much as possible and yeah rip each other’s clothes off!

Id have dumped any guy if we had been together two months and he would only see me once a week. I’d be thinking he wasn’t that into me, wouldn’t make me a priority and didn’t care that much.

I don’t think you are ready for kids and family right now, not with him anyway. These things take over your entire life.