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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this isn't fair to a two year old.

65 replies

dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 21:21

My partner and I split up just as my daughter turned one. He moved out and left to live 40 minutes away.

He sees her regularly pretty much every weekend. He wants her in the week too, but he works difficult hours (sometimes he will be working late or really early) on the few occasions he has had her in the week, he's ended up having to call me to collect her and I've had to drive the 40 mins to her house at 5.30pm only for her to be dropped off at nursery at 7.30am in the morning.

I don't think this is fair to her, as she also goes to nursery full time. Also, at my house she has a bath and her own cosy bedroom. My ex has tiny one bedroom flat and hasn't put a bed/cot up for her as apparently 'she never settled' he also doesn't have a bath! He is constantly going on and on about having her in the week to stay over, but I genuinely think it's more about controlling me than what's best for our daughter. I've put my foot down time and time again and would say he could pop over to see her in the evenings. However, now she is a bit older when he pops round for a couple of hours it really unsettles her and then I spend hours in the evening trying to get her back down.

He also expects me to FaceTime with her every night. Today I had put my phone on silent as I was in the office and when I got home I didn't hear him call. I put her to bed and then saw more missed calls and messages asking me if everything was ok and that he'd tried to call me and I had my notifications turned off.

I responded saying I had put my phone on do jot disturb hence I missed the calls and added at the end 'not that I need to explain myself' and he wrote back 'unbelievable'. I find him wanting to know my every move and expecting me to FaceTime him all the time and making me feel guilty when I don't really controlling.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to suggest going forward we each do every other weekend, rather than shared weekends and he can FaceTime 3 x in the week? I can't live the rest of my life constantly on edge that if I don't FaceTime or allow him round my house I'm going to be made to feel awful.

OP posts:

PotatoCatkin · 11/01/2023 21:24

I think that sounds more than generous and a much better idea than your current set up.

Original poster

dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 21:27

Thanks. The way he talks to me and about me you'd think I was one of these parents who never lets him see his daughter. I've tried everything to be fair, but I will not allow weekend night stays as it's not fair on her (or to be honest me, if he lets her down). Also, if she had her own bed let alone bedroom, she would have her own space. It's not set up for a baby

OP posts:

PotatoCatkin · 11/01/2023 21:29

He sounds horribly controlling by insisting on FT every night. You're completely within your rights to say no to that.

MuggleMe · 11/01/2023 21:29

If he wants evenings he needs to ask work to finish at a consistently early enough time to have a decent evening with her and stick to it.

TimeSlipMushroom · 11/01/2023 21:32

ExH used to insist in phone calls all nights of the week. I put a stop to it and realise now it was to control and keep tabs on me rather than for contact.

PeekAtYou · 11/01/2023 21:34

No court would make you do FT every night. Not unreasonable to have a pre-arranged slot once or twice a week.

Original poster

dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 21:34

@TimeSlipMushroom this is exactly my thinking. I can understand a few FaceTimes in the week but not every night. Also, why the aggressive texts to me? How was he when you stopped doing it? I'm so not into confrontation anymore or being told I'm the controlling one (no I'm the parents that shows up 100% of the time for our daughter l)

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jessthemess33 · 11/01/2023 21:34

Very controlling and you're correct, it's not fair on dd. So many people prioritise their own wants over the best interests of the child. A young toddler needs stability and routine. Very chaotic to be going from place to place at his whim especially when he doesn't have proper sleeping arrangements for her.
She absolutely should see her dad but for her sake (and yours) there should be a routine. Have you actually explained this to him?

Original poster

dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 21:35

@PeekAtYou thank you. I have no experience with court but want to suggest every other weekend for whole weekend, rather than half weekends. If I suggest this to him he will accuse me of being controlling and stopping him seeing his daughter but I also think this is what most fair for her. As at the moment she has one night at his and a day and is then back home

OP posts:

TimeSlipMushroom · 11/01/2023 21:38

dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 21:34

Well he was a complete arse. I used a separate phone so I could switch it off and ignore him.
Google grey rock technique for strategies.
Don't be afraid to set your boundaries and stick to them. If he has an issue he can see a solicitor (and won't get what he wants anyway!)

Original poster

dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 21:41

@TimeSlipMushroom how old were your children when you split? How did he take it? Logically I know he won't get 50:50 but he constantly threatens this and it is a genuine concern if he got it. Not that he can afford the childcare etc he barely pays maintenance

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 11/01/2023 21:41

he's ended up having to call me to collect her and I've had to drive the 40 mins to her house at 5.30pm

Why couldn’t he drive her?!

Redblanky · 11/01/2023 21:41

I do think your "not that I need to explain myself" was unnecessarily antagonistic. Obviously face timing every night is not reasonable, but if that's what you were expecting/that's become the norm and then all of a sudden you couldn't make contact wouldn't you be frantic?

Agree you need.to set some firm arrangements and stick to them.

I don't think leaving his at 5:30pm and going out at 7:30am next day or not having a bath at Dad's is a reasonable argument for her not going. There may be good reasons, but those aren't them.

Original poster

dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 21:42

@Shinyandnew1 because it would have been an hour and half until she got to his on a weeknight and would have meant she got back from nursery at 8pm rather than closer to 7pm. I was doing him a favour

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 11/01/2023 21:42

I suppose there's two sides. I would want to see my child during the week esp with being so young. I'd missed them so much.
If he has a rota pattern then he need to work out if feasible for her to stay during the week. You can drop her off at 6pm but then he has to get her to nursery the next morning. And that he at least gets a travel cot. Not having a bath isn't a huge issue.

vintagechristmas · 11/01/2023 21:43

Is he a good man? Does your child like spending time with him?

Another perspective to think of it from is- what if it was the other way around? I couldn't imagine my child being with their father and being unable to see and FaceTime them each day.

If/ when he has overnights do you expect to not contact them and completely leave them to it? No FaceTime or calls then either?

Original poster

dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 21:45

@Hankunamatata personally I don't think it's fair on daughter.. she is young and needs stability. No she doesn't need a bath, but I do think she needs her own bed at least. He has never stuck to any routine with her and it has a massive impact on her.

OP posts:

UsingChangeofName · 11/01/2023 21:48

YABU (not the facetiming - but the rest).

She has two parents and it is right that she spends as much times as she can with each of them.

Original poster

dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 21:48

@vintagechristmas he is a Disney dad. dad loves him as he's fun and does all the fun stuff. Is he a good dad? He pays f all, he didn't come and meet me at hospital when I had to take her to a&e in the middle of the night, he always expects me to take time off work whenever she Ill, she was crying for me the other night at his and so he drove round and dropped her off at mine T 8pm (even though I told him on the phone she'd be fine) once he got to mine she didn't want to say goodbye to him so he put her in and out of her car three times until I said enough. Do I think they are signs of a responsible, stable father? No!

OP posts:

Suziesz · 11/01/2023 21:49

It’s very easy in these situations to ‘other’ the father and claim it’s only ever control, that they aren’t putting the child first etc but that’s easy to say when you are the resident parent who gets to spend the majority of your time with the child.

Imagine if you were suddenly separated from your DD? You were only allowed to see for for short periods of time on the weekend, dictated by the other parent usually. Would you not be dying to see your DD? Even on face time?

It sounds like you aren’t that long separated and it’s still in the transition period of a adjusting away from him living with DD.

I’m not saying you have to be tired to face timing him every night but the ‘not that I need to tell you’ when you missed the call was really unnecessary and as PP said it was antagonist so you can’t then make him the bad guy for replying ‘typical’.

Original poster

dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 21:51

@Suziesz when you say 'suddenly separated' this man left me and my daughter when she was 10 months old and choose to move nearly an hour away! I don't have that much sympathy for him to be honest, especially when I suggest having her for whole weekends and he says 'well I don't want her the whole weekend as I need some time to myself too.'

OP posts:

parietal · 11/01/2023 21:51

fair to a toddler is getting to spend time with both parents, not sticking always to your routine.

and the more time she spends with her dad, the more likely he is to realise that actually, having a routine and a bedtime etc does make life easier and that Disney Dad mode can't last.

Offer a set times you can manage, e.g. every-other-weekend + every-other-wednesday night. He will have to do the pickups / dropoffs to nursery for his nights etc, and no swapping at short notice. Also no FT in between because that is often very unsettling for little ones. Then let him get on with it.

Original poster

dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 21:53

Thanks @parietal sound advice! As I said if he hadn't let me down the times he was meant to have her in the week then I'd be more inclined to agree to his demands but it's not fair on me or DD
To mess her around

OP posts:

Suziesz · 11/01/2023 21:56

dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 21:51

I mean as shit as it is, anyone is allowed to end a relationship. It’s not fair to imply someone should stay in a bad relationship in order to see their child or otherwise ‘you don’t have any sympathy’.

So you have already asked him to do the full weekend every other weekend and he has said no?
Your OP suggested you hadn’t raised this yet.
Do you think I'm being unreasonable to suggest going forward we each do every other weekend, rather than shared weekends and he can FaceTime 3 x in the week?

Original poster

dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 21:59

@Suziesz yes, but leaving a mother still on maternity leave with a ten month old and basic mat pay to pay all rent and bills says a lot about someone's character. This was over a year ago. I do sound bitter, maybe I am... but I've had to do a lot on my own with no support.

I did bring it up months ago and he said no as he wants to see her every weekend. Again, I have to be prepared to work around if he's taking extra weekend shifts! Im just crap at boundaries I realise

OP posts:

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