To think this isn't fair to a two year old.

[dinkysino123]

My partner and I split up just as my daughter turned one. He moved out and left to live 40 minutes away.

He sees her regularly pretty much every weekend. He wants her in the week too, but he works difficult hours (sometimes he will be working late or really early) on the few occasions he has had her in the week, he's ended up having to call me to collect her and I've had to drive the 40 mins to her house at 5.30pm only for her to be dropped off at nursery at 7.30am in the morning.

I don't think this is fair to her, as she also goes to nursery full time. Also, at my house she has a bath and her own cosy bedroom. My ex has tiny one bedroom flat and hasn't put a bed/cot up for her as apparently 'she never settled' he also doesn't have a bath! He is constantly going on and on about having her in the week to stay over, but I genuinely think it's more about controlling me than what's best for our daughter. I've put my foot down time and time again and would say he could pop over to see her in the evenings. However, now she is a bit older when he pops round for a couple of hours it really unsettles her and then I spend hours in the evening trying to get her back down.

He also expects me to FaceTime with her every night. Today I had put my phone on silent as I was in the office and when I got home I didn't hear him call. I put her to bed and then saw more missed calls and messages asking me if everything was ok and that he'd tried to call me and I had my notifications turned off.

I responded saying I had put my phone on do jot disturb hence I missed the calls and added at the end 'not that I need to explain myself' and he wrote back 'unbelievable'. I find him wanting to know my every move and expecting me to FaceTime him all the time and making me feel guilty when I don't really controlling.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to suggest going forward we each do every other weekend, rather than shared weekends and he can FaceTime 3 x in the week? I can't live the rest of my life constantly on edge that if I don't FaceTime or allow him round my house I'm going to be made to feel awful.

@Cactusprick to be fair I could write down every single time he's let me down/refused to help, brought her back early, conveniently said he couldn't have our daughter anymore when I'd told him I had plans, wouldn't take time off work to look after her etc etc

Not saying you should, just that there has been a clearer picture of your ex painted now since the first post x

The facetiming he is too much.
Your comment to him was unnecessary.
It doesn't matter that he doesn't have a bath.

He sounds like he's wanting to play a big part in her life just like you do, you can't knock him for that.

@Cactusprick thanks x appreciate my post isn't the most clear. I am feeling particularly sensitive today after a stressful work day and then getting the snarky messages just made me more stressed. Posted on her for so advice, comfort and different perspectives. No story is black and white and I genuinely want my daughter to have a solid, stable relationship with him... he's chaotic and leads a chaotic lifestyle and I don't want that to rub off onto my daughter at this young age.

@dinkysino123 it sounds like you've been very reasonable and fair despite how unfairly your ex has treated you (not to mention the timing of your break up... I've been there and know how difficult it is with a baby in the first year, physically and mentally).

Toddlers need routine, stability and emotional security. They start to become sponges at this stage and soak up more than they might show outwardly.

IMO you need to do what's best for your daughter and you as her main caregiver, even if that means setting a few harsh but necessary boundaries with your ex. It was his decision to walk away.

I’m sorry, I hope I haven’t added to your upset. We all get those extra tough days. See what you decide to do after you’ve got some more views on your situation and then stick to your guns when you’ve decided. Hope your week gets better x

Look up grey rock don't say anything more than us needed to be said don't respond to anything that doesn't need a response

Eg, I can have her next Friday but not Saturday so you can't shag your boyfriend like the whore you are response can either be Friday night is fine are you collecting or am I dropping off? OR it can be how dare you insinuate that you bastard etc etc

Choose your battles

But I do agree structure and routine is the key to parenting constantly chopping and changing helps no-one

He walked away from op, not from their child. You're basically saying be harsh because he dumped you. That's categorically not what's best for the child.

I do however think boundaries can be healthy, and improve co parenting relationships as everyone knows where they stand. But I would consider op, as others have said, how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, and what you would accept as the non resident parent. Would it really be eow?

He CHOSE to move far away and he CHOOSES to drop the child when it is inconvenient no loving parent would return there child because they are whinging about wanting the other parent

We don't know that it was really a choice. It was more likely based on affordability but I appreciate that doesn't fit your "punish him with your child" narrative.

It's funny because on a few threads I've seen dad's be berated for not dropping off small children who miss their mother. I don't condone it, mind you. But it's hardly the crime of the century. If he wasn't arsed at all im sure he wouldn't see her as frequently as he does?

No @Ineverwannabelikeyou I'm saying it wouldn't be unreasonable for OP to set boundaries, even if those boundaries are perceived by her ex (or others) as harsh, if that's what's necessary, to allow OP as the main caregiver (because let's face it the main caregiver's mental state does have a massive impact on a young toddler's development) and her daughter stability and structure, which I think is what OP wants but seems conflicted by trying to be overly accommodating and considerate of her ex's wants and needs when the ex seems to only prioritise himself.

She needs to make the choices in her daughter's best interest though, not in response to him dumping her.

YANBU

Children need stability and he needs to stick to a routine.

I disagree about the weekends though, at this age little and often will be best for your DD. It's not fair for her to only see her dad every other weekend and it's a long time for her to be away from you too. It would be in her best interests to have a weekend day with him every week and a day with you.

I think it would be ideal for you to facilitate him seeing her in the week if possible, but again he needs to stick to any agreement and take responsibility for getting her to/from childcare etc.

This.
And keep a written record of what the arrangements are and what actually happens so you can show to a court what he asks for and you accommodate and what then happens.
And no to Facetiming more than two or three times a week, preferably at pre-arranged times when you call him. You could agree you'll try him three times at the given time and if he's not available he'll have to wait until the next pre-arranged time.