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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't fair to a two year old.

65 replies

dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 21:21

My partner and I split up just as my daughter turned one. He moved out and left to live 40 minutes away.

He sees her regularly pretty much every weekend. He wants her in the week too, but he works difficult hours (sometimes he will be working late or really early) on the few occasions he has had her in the week, he's ended up having to call me to collect her and I've had to drive the 40 mins to her house at 5.30pm only for her to be dropped off at nursery at 7.30am in the morning.

I don't think this is fair to her, as she also goes to nursery full time. Also, at my house she has a bath and her own cosy bedroom. My ex has tiny one bedroom flat and hasn't put a bed/cot up for her as apparently 'she never settled' he also doesn't have a bath! He is constantly going on and on about having her in the week to stay over, but I genuinely think it's more about controlling me than what's best for our daughter. I've put my foot down time and time again and would say he could pop over to see her in the evenings. However, now she is a bit older when he pops round for a couple of hours it really unsettles her and then I spend hours in the evening trying to get her back down.

He also expects me to FaceTime with her every night. Today I had put my phone on silent as I was in the office and when I got home I didn't hear him call. I put her to bed and then saw more missed calls and messages asking me if everything was ok and that he'd tried to call me and I had my notifications turned off.

I responded saying I had put my phone on do jot disturb hence I missed the calls and added at the end 'not that I need to explain myself' and he wrote back 'unbelievable'. I find him wanting to know my every move and expecting me to FaceTime him all the time and making me feel guilty when I don't really controlling.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to suggest going forward we each do every other weekend, rather than shared weekends and he can FaceTime 3 x in the week? I can't live the rest of my life constantly on edge that if I don't FaceTime or allow him round my house I'm going to be made to feel awful.

OP posts:
1hyuny · 11/01/2023 22:00

You posted about this before with all the facetiming etc. I never understand why people post the same sort of thing again 🤔 either way just say no and keep saying no. But I cant see how him facetiming her for a bit means it takes you hours to resettle her? Maybe she needs a bit of sleep training.

Threeboysandadog · 11/01/2023 22:02

Can the two of you sit down and make a plan for the next 6 months/year re. how it’s going to work and what’s not going to happen. He can tell you what he would like and you can say what you would like and work out an arrangement that is agreeable to you both. You may need a friend each or someone to mediate if you think it may become heated.

Original poster
dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 22:04

@1hyuny in answer to your question. I don't have loads of support or many people to reach out to. You can always read and choose to ignore.

Maybe she does need sleep training. Will look into it

OP posts:
Original poster
dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 22:05

@Threeboysandadog yes! This is a great idea though I think it would need a professional mediator x

OP posts:
Original poster
dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 22:07

@1hyuny also it's not the FaceTiming it's when he pops round for an hour or two in the evening that means she takes ages to resettle

OP posts:
bumpytrumpy · 11/01/2023 22:11

Can he come and collect her early from
Nursery when he has worked an early shift? So pick her up mid afternoon and return her in good time to settle before bed? That would seem best for midweek contact at the moment, then every other weekends like you suggest.

TimeToFlyNow · 11/01/2023 22:11

Sod that, if he wants her in the week then he needs to sort out his hours .

I'd do every other weekend and a couple of face times in the week .

Doesn't sound like ge wants quality time with her though if he keeps bringing her home

Copperoliverbear · 11/01/2023 22:12

Refuse more than what you think is best for your child. X

Original poster
dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 22:17

@bumpytrumpy this is a really good idea. He doesn't work shift work. He has a full time job, which sends him travelling around the country. Mostly near to home but sometimes further afield.

OP posts:
Original poster
dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 22:18

@TimeToFlyNow thank you! This is how I feel. At weekends he's always bringing her home a few hours early than arranged, which is why I feel it's about control. I'm not trying to stop contact I just want stability and routine for my little girl.

OP posts:
Bbqchicken · 11/01/2023 22:20

In a separation the Child should be put first by both parties. Children do need routine but they also benefit from the love and care of both parents and unfortunately you will have to put yourself out to do what is best for the child, its not ideal but thats the situation you are in. You need to put your personal feelings aside as hard as it is and focus on working with him not against him for him to see his child and he needs to do the same for you. Facetiming every night is unreasonable, but it does show he cares and misses her.

I don't understand the bringing her home at 8pm and putting her in and out the car 3 times. This makes no sense to me why wouldnt either of you have just taken her in to bed.

Nothing wrong with a 1 bed flat, He needs a travel cot or a bed for him in the living area when she is there all very workable. The lack of bath...sorry thats just nitpicking, silly things like that shouldn't even be a concern. I think in situations like this if it went to court and you got 50/50 then you would look back on this time and wish you had been more accomodating. I would as I'd want my children with me as much as possible, id rather be inconvenienced a few times driving about if it meant I had then 80% of the time.

SecretVictoria · 11/01/2023 22:23

YANBU to want some sort of routine.

YABU to complain he only has a 1 bed flat. Maybe that’s all he can afford?

Original poster
dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 22:27

@Bbqchicken I did try to take her off him and he kept taking her to the car. He got very aggressive.

I am VERY accommodating to him. I'm not sure how he would have her 50:50, he can't afford child maintenance let alone childcare. The bath is nit picking and maybe expecting a bed for my daughter is too (I personally don't think it is but can see why others disagree but I'd want more for my daughter)! I totally get what you're saying and that's why I probably bend far too much to accommodate his needs

OP posts:
Original poster
dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 22:27

@SecretVictoria yes it is all he can afford. He has. Good job, but got himself into lots of debt

OP posts:
TimeToFlyNow · 11/01/2023 22:28

dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 22:18

@TimeToFlyNow thank you! This is how I feel. At weekends he's always bringing her home a few hours early than arranged, which is why I feel it's about control. I'm not trying to stop contact I just want stability and routine for my little girl.

Yes, she needs a routine and a bed!

And a man who can't even have his child for a weekend or who brings her back whenever he feels like it isn't going to get 50 /50 he's just trying to control and scare you

And If he wants her in the week then it's not on you to facilitate it in your house

WestBridgewater · 11/01/2023 22:33

Hankunamatata · 11/01/2023 21:42

I suppose there's two sides. I would want to see my child during the week esp with being so young. I'd missed them so much.
If he has a rota pattern then he need to work out if feasible for her to stay during the week. You can drop her off at 6pm but then he has to get her to nursery the next morning. And that he at least gets a travel cot. Not having a bath isn't a huge issue.

Exactly what I was thinking.

SecretVictoria · 11/01/2023 22:36

dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 22:27

@SecretVictoria yes it is all he can afford. He has. Good job, but got himself into lots of debt

For clarity, she should have her own bed, but it’s not the end of the world to not have her own room there.

Cactusprick · 11/01/2023 22:37

Redblanky · 11/01/2023 21:41

I do think your "not that I need to explain myself" was unnecessarily antagonistic. Obviously face timing every night is not reasonable, but if that's what you were expecting/that's become the norm and then all of a sudden you couldn't make contact wouldn't you be frantic?

Agree you need.to set some firm arrangements and stick to them.

I don't think leaving his at 5:30pm and going out at 7:30am next day or not having a bath at Dad's is a reasonable argument for her not going. There may be good reasons, but those aren't them.

I agree with this.
If my husband and I split up he would want to FaceTime every night, which I completely understand because if it was the other way round I would too. We are both her parents and it’s 50/50 in our house so I think we would continue trying to do that as much as possible.
I wouldn’t think he was trying to have her certain nights to inconvenience me, just that he loves his daughter and time with her.

TimeToFlyNow · 11/01/2023 22:43

Cactusprick · 11/01/2023 22:37

I agree with this.
If my husband and I split up he would want to FaceTime every night, which I completely understand because if it was the other way round I would too. We are both her parents and it’s 50/50 in our house so I think we would continue trying to do that as much as possible.
I wouldn’t think he was trying to have her certain nights to inconvenience me, just that he loves his daughter and time with her.

Show quote history

Presumable your dh wouldn't only have your dc one night a week then and bring her back at 8pm whenever he felt like it

Cactusprick · 11/01/2023 22:44

dinkysino123 · 11/01/2023 22:18

@TimeToFlyNow thank you! This is how I feel. At weekends he's always bringing her home a few hours early than arranged, which is why I feel it's about control. I'm not trying to stop contact I just want stability and routine for my little girl.

Drip drip drip

Mydogatemypurse · 11/01/2023 22:45

Hes a prick. Hes checking up on you and using his daughter as control. Be firm, if hes not happy he can apply to court and they will tell him hes unreasonable

Cactusprick · 11/01/2023 22:47

TimeToFlyNow · 11/01/2023 22:43

Presumable your dh wouldn't only have your dc one night a week then and bring her back at 8pm whenever he felt like it

Show quote history

“He is constantly going on and on about having her in the week to stay over“

sounds like he wants to see her more than he’s able to though.
Also he comes over in the evenings for a couple of hours when OP allows him to, so he obviously really wants to see his daughter when he can

TimeToFlyNow · 11/01/2023 22:49

Cactusprick · 11/01/2023 22:44

Drip drip drip

Show quote history

Hardly a drip. It says in the first post that when he's had her in the week op has ended up having to go and pick her up .hardly the reliable type

TheBabbaCrunch · 11/01/2023 22:49

My DD's dad left a few weeks before her 2nd birthday claiming he no longer loved me. Sorted a van and was gone within a week. I have always split custody 50:50 with him (even during week) and we facetime most days when she is at the other parent's house. I would miss her too much otherwise. Sometimes he asks for a facetime and I say we are out or busy etc and he is fine with that. Once I was over the hurt and bitterness of him ending it, I realised 50:50 was the right thing for our daughter and I also enjoyed the break!

However he has always paid above and beyond his maintenance, steps in first when she's ill, still came to cut my grass before I met my lovely OH etc. So I appreciate it's a different scenario to you but just wanted yo emphasise that facetime was always important for both of us... you miss a lot when the child is at another parent's house!

Cactusprick · 11/01/2023 22:51

TimeToFlyNow · 11/01/2023 22:49

Hardly a drip. It says in the first post that when he's had her in the week op has ended up having to go and pick her up .hardly the reliable type

Show quote history

And now suddenly he’s always bringing her back early on weekends too. Just saying that paints a bigger picture than the OP painted.

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