Am I being an arse or is my husband?!

[FrustratedWoman]

So me and my husband have decided to separate - no children.

I know he is probably hurting and lashing out but he wanted to go NC during Christmas which I understood. But on Christmas day, I thought I would send him a "Merry Christmas". No reply. I done the same thing on New Year. No reply. He always said he had alot of respect for me and wants this to amicable and for us to be friends. Okay, I didnt expect us to be besties but he is just being nasty. I am suprised after 15 years together.

He said he was taking Christmas to think about us and after much self-reflection... he has told friends this, he is happy to be out of a toxic and unhealthy relationship. He has told other friends who have told me, that "I've moved on" and he "doesnt give a shit" all because he saw me with a male colleague (who is gay by the way!!!) having a coffee in costa!!

I have heard from a source (who matched with him) that he is on tinder too - with our wedding as his profile picture! Splitting up is the right thing to do but I feel like I have been respectful. If people have asked, I have said we both werent happy. Yes, it was a little unhealthy at times but no one needs the details. It certainly wasnt toxic and I am hurt he is telling people this. I also think using our wedding picture as his profile is hurtful too.

He has now instructed me to move out asap as he wont live at his mum and dads forever. I've told him I cant buy until we sell. He has told me he will look at buying me out but wants me out. He said I am to base all of my mortgage promises on worst case senario - this being the lowest amount I'll get - but when I have been doing this all my mortgage promises are extremly low. The house has appreciated significantly over the years so it is estimated I will get alot more than he is estimating.

He said he wants to move on and cant date others until he has his own place as they cant exactly go back to his mum and dads. So I asked if he was actively dating, and he is ignoring me now. We only offically seperated weeks ago. I understand the need to sell up and for us to move on but to put this as a reason is hurtful.

I know I am being extremly petty and I need someone to talk me down. But...

My friend sent me a picture of him on tinder - would I be unreasonable (I bloody know I am!!!) to give this to the solicitor and say I would like to go down the adultery route.. I can play nasty too, although I dont want to, I am just hurting as he is being cold and treating me horribly.

I dont care he is moving on but he is treating me like I am a stranger when it was his actions that led to all of this. Saying things like "I didnt miss you once over Christmas, just our cat, which is very telling, you are shit company and a disgraceful person". He keeps reminding me what we agreed to before Christmas - "remember, you get the cat, and you cant claim my pension, savings or house deposit". I originally said fine but this list keeps getitng longer and I dont know if I am shooting myself in the foot. However, I have been the one to look after our cat during his move to his mum and dads so what chance would he have to contest ownership. Someone please help talk me down and tell me I am being stupid??

Jesus Christ. Some people on MN are ridiculous. You spent 15 years together. You amicably split. You’re not fucking evil for sending him a ‘Merry Christmas’ message.

YABU to say that he’s committed adultery. You already know that. YA also BU to not go after his pension, savings and house. You are entitled to this. He’s being a prick. Do it

So why not ask him to claim you committed adultery? Problem solved you. Both get a quickly divorce and since you don’t care about it, you are the named cause.

Get solid legal advice about separating assets fairly.

Stop contacting him.

Don't agree to anything without legal advice

A dating profile wouldn't really be proof of adultery, unfortunately. Honestly, a year will pass faster than you know it. He left before Christmas, so that's almost one month gone already. Start your application in December. Make it a Christmas present to yourself. It doesn't sound like he is going to be reasonable, so just go through a solicitor with regard to the financial settlement.

Keeping a cat doesn't mean he keeps his pension and all money. Everything's on the table for negotiation in divorce whether he likes it or not, and trading a cat for a pension isn't one of them 😂

Your ex sounds spot on when he described your relationship as toxic. I understand it must be very unsettling when a long term relationship ends. Could it be that you've had bust-up and Fallings out before but it's just dawning on you that this one's for real. We're you hoping for a response at Xmas? When none came you messaged again. Why? It's wasn't 'a nice thing to do'. Neither is falsely accusing him of adultery (think you'll need more than a Tinder pic)
Get legal advice and start proceedings if he hasn't already done so. Seek financial advice and consider how/where you're going to live. Plan for a new life without your ex.

He is hurt and he is ghosting you. Just put the house up for sale and stop texting him. You are not mates and when this sad chapter is over he will be your ex, all done and gone. If he is on tinder trying to get a rebound fling, that is up to him, stay strong and head up - it’s about moving up not down into the gutter with nasty games in court.

Don’t pretend to be the adulterer. He’s using your wedding photo on tinder. Just divorce him and force the sale properly. Don’t let him lowball you. Get proper (high) valuations done and accept nothing less than half.

He’s being spiteful - to badmouth you and say you’ve “moved on” and then pressure you about the house. Yuck.
he’s showing you who he truly is, and the way he’s acting will eventually help you heal. Not showing himself to ne much of a Prince, is he.

keep your cat. And all funds are on the table. Don’t make amicable agreements with an asshole who only wants “amicable” as far as his pocketbook goes, all the while badmouthing you.

he’s playing you to “stay friends” and then telling you horrible things, and telling others you had a toxic relationship?!
i think he’s the toxic one, and you’ll be able to be healthy when he’s gone.

I voted YANBU. Do whatever you need to do for YOURSELF and your well being. To hell with him. Men who act like this need to be left out in the gutter with the trash.

i don’t know why posters are saying the op should claim against his pension and savings. If they don’t have children the op should have a pension of her own

The best thing you can do is go no contact with him and seek legal advice. Do not leave the house and don't agree to anything re finances etc. If he keeps badgering you about making an agreement, just reply that all discussions about the separation and divorce have to go through your solicitor and then don't engage any more. This guy is not your friend , your marraige is over and he is not going to do you any favours by the sound of it.

Divorcing and stating adultery will only antagonise things

any conflicts you can double your solicitors fees

You are being an arse, not your husband.

I don't see what the OP is doing wrong or how she has been an arse.

Don't move out of the house, he doesn't get to tell you to do that.

Make sure you get good legal advice.

You don't need a reason to divorce nowadays. You need to find a family solicitor to advice about the legalities of your situation.

Don't bother with adultery. Stop pandering to his demands about the house and settlement. Tell him you will take advice from a solicitor about a fair settlement. Do not move out unless it suits you to do so. Don't promise anything about his pension etc. Just say you will be ensuring you get what you ate legally entitled to. Then go grey rock and don't respond to him either.

Stop trying to be his friend, being amicable and being friendly are two different things when it comes to divorce

Forget the adulery thing, a profile pic on tinder wouldn't wash anyway, all it will do is draw out the process and cost more money

Get 3 valuations on the house (the middle will likely be the value that's places on the house for divorce proceedings)
Get both your pension statements
Bank statements for both of you if you can
Savings (both of yours)
Debts (both of yours)
Instruct a solicitor to kick off the divorce
Don't move out
Don't agree to any financial settlement

Keep it as transactional as possible and remove the emotion (I know it's difficult)

Ask friends to stop telling you what he's saying, true friends won't believe him.

She can't just get divorced. That's not how it works in Scotland. Unless she can prove adultery, or he has become a woman, they will have to wait at least a year before they can divorce. (Or 2 years if he doesn't agree to divorce.)

I wouldn’t move out without speaking to your solicitor first. Giving him ownership of the house whilst you live elsewhere may give him a greater legal right over the house.

you need to find out what your rights are financially, get three separate house valuations and if he wants to buy you out he pays you the market rate for your portion. You don’t move out before then. Equally he has a choice of living at the former marital home or not, he has as much legal right to as you do presumably.

block him on all social media, ask friends not to tell you what he’s doing unless it will have a material affect on your divorce and leave him alone, don’t text him or speak to him unless it’s necessary.

Yabu. You have split. He is trying to get on with his life. He wanted NC. You contacted him. That's not respect that's the opposite

He's perfectly entitled to use his own picture on tinder. He's perfectly entitled to date. That's not adultery that's normal.

You can't have your cake and eat it.

Sorry you are going through this op.
You can't be friends. You have deal with all of this now as you would a business transaction and try to put any emotion to one side, difficult as it is. He can't instruct you out of the home you both own and that he left. Get advice from your solicitor and try to hold it all together. Ask him to communicate by text and keep records of all communication.