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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being an arse or is my husband?!

98 replies

FrustratedWoman · 11/01/2023 16:27

So me and my husband have decided to separate - no children.

I know he is probably hurting and lashing out but he wanted to go NC during Christmas which I understood. But on Christmas day, I thought I would send him a "Merry Christmas". No reply. I done the same thing on New Year. No reply. He always said he had alot of respect for me and wants this to amicable and for us to be friends. Okay, I didnt expect us to be besties but he is just being nasty. I am suprised after 15 years together.

He said he was taking Christmas to think about us and after much self-reflection... he has told friends this, he is happy to be out of a toxic and unhealthy relationship. He has told other friends who have told me, that "I've moved on" and he "doesnt give a shit" all because he saw me with a male colleague (who is gay by the way!!!) having a coffee in costa!!

I have heard from a source (who matched with him) that he is on tinder too - with our wedding as his profile picture! Splitting up is the right thing to do but I feel like I have been respectful. If people have asked, I have said we both werent happy. Yes, it was a little unhealthy at times but no one needs the details. It certainly wasnt toxic and I am hurt he is telling people this. I also think using our wedding picture as his profile is hurtful too.

He has now instructed me to move out asap as he wont live at his mum and dads forever. I've told him I cant buy until we sell. He has told me he will look at buying me out but wants me out. He said I am to base all of my mortgage promises on worst case senario - this being the lowest amount I'll get - but when I have been doing this all my mortgage promises are extremly low. The house has appreciated significantly over the years so it is estimated I will get alot more than he is estimating.

He said he wants to move on and cant date others until he has his own place as they cant exactly go back to his mum and dads. So I asked if he was actively dating, and he is ignoring me now. We only offically seperated weeks ago. I understand the need to sell up and for us to move on but to put this as a reason is hurtful.

I know I am being extremly petty and I need someone to talk me down. But...

My friend sent me a picture of him on tinder - would I be unreasonable (I bloody know I am!!!) to give this to the solicitor and say I would like to go down the adultery route.. I can play nasty too, although I dont want to, I am just hurting as he is being cold and treating me horribly.

I dont care he is moving on but he is treating me like I am a stranger when it was his actions that led to all of this. Saying things like "I didnt miss you once over Christmas, just our cat, which is very telling, you are shit company and a disgraceful person". He keeps reminding me what we agreed to before Christmas - "remember, you get the cat, and you cant claim my pension, savings or house deposit". I originally said fine but this list keeps getitng longer and I dont know if I am shooting myself in the foot. However, I have been the one to look after our cat during his move to his mum and dads so what chance would he have to contest ownership. Someone please help talk me down and tell me I am being stupid??

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 11/01/2023 17:09

Tripofalifetime343 · 11/01/2023 16:57

I don’t think you disrespected the boundaries by sending him a cheery message at Xmas and YN. You were being civilised.

Of course she did. There’s nothing civilised about deliberately ignoring the very clear boundaries someone has drawn, it is disrespectful.

gamerchick · 11/01/2023 17:11

Stop the contact, stop the petty stuff and see a solicitor to see about your rights. No more talking to him until you've done that OP.

anythinginapinch · 11/01/2023 17:12

He thinks you're with other men already, too. Did anyone tell him that guy was a colleague? I notice you found that funny not regretful that your ex had been wrongly upset about something about you.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/01/2023 17:13

Tripofalifetime343 · 11/01/2023 16:57

I don’t think you disrespected the boundaries by sending him a cheery message at Xmas and YN. You were being civilised.

It's really so hard to grasp that he wouldn't want a fucking "cheery" message from the woman who is divorcing him? He wanted space and the op pissed all over it.

Unicorn717 · 11/01/2023 17:14

You have no reason to contact him so not sure why you did when you agreed that you wouldn't.

He's clearly happier without you. You can both do what you want. You might be pissed off with him but he has no reason to speak to you or do what you expect anymore. Leave him to it.

yorkshirepudsx · 11/01/2023 17:21

euff · 11/01/2023 17:09

@yorkshirepudsx - No contact

Thank you!!

Ryin · 11/01/2023 17:22

OP you've already posted this but it wasn't a gay man in Costa, it was someone you had been in contact with before you split (but nothing happened) and then you've had him over at your house over Christmas but your husband seen it on the ring doorbell. You were worried he was going to go down the adultery route, but now you want to do that to him instead?

Unbridezilla · 11/01/2023 17:23

Personally, I wouldn't feel bad for going after a fair financial split via a lawyer, despite what you agreed before Christmas (which basically amounted to throwing yourself under the bus). After all, he said he wanted it be be civil and now he has changed his mind, trying to bully you out of the house ASAP, with an unfair financial settlement. Asking you to only take the "worst case" wrt the house?! Wtf!

Put your tin hat on and go into battle, don't be passive and make financial decisions you will regret for the rest of your life.

And don't think anymore about the messages, his true colours were going to come out at some point, so at leastbyiu know now. And also, just after splitting is a weird time, everything feels wrong, so you are bound to accidentally fall back towards to the old normal occasionally

Blueblell · 11/01/2023 17:26

Why is it you that has to move out and not him?

AffIt · 11/01/2023 17:27

Blueblell · 11/01/2023 17:26

Why is it you that has to move out and not him?

The OP's ex-husband has moved out and is living with his parents.

I presume he wants the OP to move out so that their house can be sold and profits split to allow them to both move on.

euff · 11/01/2023 17:30

@AffIt @Blueblell

Op said this about moving -

He has now instructed me to move out asap as he wont live at his mum and dads forever. I've told him I cant buy until we sell. He has told me he will look at buying me out but wants me out. He said I am to base all of my mortgage promises on worst case senario - this being the lowest amount I'll get.

He said he wants to move on and cant date others until he has his own place as they cant exactly go back to his mum and dads.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 11/01/2023 17:46

Can you not just alter the date of separation to make it so you have been separated a year and you're only just applying for divorce?

Stopthebusplease · 11/01/2023 17:48

OP, can I just reiterate what someone else has said, please DO NOT go down the route of agreeing who gets what, without your solicitor being involved. I was like you, wanted everything to be amicable, as basically we'd both just outgrown the relationship. Stupidly agreed to the things he asked for, and he basically stabbed me in the back. So let your solicitor get everything they can for you now, otherwise you WILL regret it given time, as I know to my cost.

Yellowflowerr · 11/01/2023 18:03

This is literally what I said (as it reads the exact same as that other story you’ve quoted) but OP has denied that’s them

Yellowflowerr · 11/01/2023 18:04

Ryin · 11/01/2023 17:22

OP you've already posted this but it wasn't a gay man in Costa, it was someone you had been in contact with before you split (but nothing happened) and then you've had him over at your house over Christmas but your husband seen it on the ring doorbell. You were worried he was going to go down the adultery route, but now you want to do that to him instead?

Sorry meant to quote this one! Op has denied that that’s them

Notmyyearthisyear · 11/01/2023 18:08

skippy67 · 11/01/2023 16:31

Why did you message him over Christmas when you knew he wanted to go NC? So much for being "respectful"

Oh Please don’t be ridiculous

saraclara · 11/01/2023 18:14

It's clear then that you're posted a different version of this very same story. So based on that, I'll say that you're the (dishonest) arse.

declutteringmymind · 11/01/2023 18:15

He is rewriting the narrative to suit him and has obviously decided to go defensive. He doesn't want to be amicable, so best just to concentrate on yourself and not get involved in any drama related to him. Just carry on telling people who ask that you wanted to stay in touch but he doesn't want to and you are respecting that. That's it.

Notmyyearthisyear · 11/01/2023 18:15

The official boundary protection society on MN is out in hives… you are not being u reasonable OP (beyond the parts you have already recognised yourself ie the adultery aspect) and you got a really shitty response here… you are expected to behave like a perfect adult by everyone here but your STBX is not 👌

Ryin · 11/01/2023 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/01/2023 18:18

It wasn’t sensible to message him over Christmas. Makes him feel in the driving seat.

However you are foolish to go by what “he says”. Get some time with a lawyer, whether they do a free half hour or if you have to pay for it: it’s worth spending on. Find out what you are entitled to.

Then take him to court for the divorce and get the house sold. Don’t mess about waiting on “what he says” or what he will give you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/01/2023 18:23

Stopthebusplease · 11/01/2023 17:48

OP, can I just reiterate what someone else has said, please DO NOT go down the route of agreeing who gets what, without your solicitor being involved. I was like you, wanted everything to be amicable, as basically we'd both just outgrown the relationship. Stupidly agreed to the things he asked for, and he basically stabbed me in the back. So let your solicitor get everything they can for you now, otherwise you WILL regret it given time, as I know to my cost.

Also this

pizzaHeart · 11/01/2023 18:23

If course be polite and friendly, like you would be with a colleague from the office somewhere upstairs whom you see occasionally in the corridor. At the same time take legal advice and look after your interests quietly.
Nothing wrong that you’ve sent him Happy Christmas but now when you’ve seen his attitude to you behave accordingly.

GrumpyPanda · 11/01/2023 18:24

Forget about the adultery nonsense, or about the texting. Stay put where you are, find really good legal support, and don't let him rip you off - forget what he may have railroaded you into "agreeing." It'll take as long as it'll take.

Whatonearth07957 · 11/01/2023 18:31

It's not amicable and two one line messages after 25 years is hardly trampling boundaries!

As others have said time to put on hard hat and take legal advice. Any verbal agreement won't stand up get what is legally possible and don't move out but wait for the sale. If adultery goes quicker list it, you don't have to name names.